Animals as teachers

I am continually in awe of what a positive impact animals can have in our lives.  I have always believed animals come into our lives to help us to learn and grow but each time I witness it, I am no less astounded by it, no less humbled by it.  

In my work with animals and their guardians, I continue to see evidence that our animals know what we need to learn . . . and then give us the opportunities we need to learn that lesson. 

Sometimes that opportunity comes in what appears to be a "behavioral issue" with the animal and this is part of the reason I am so in awe of animals.  They are willing to look like the "bad guy" for a while, for the sole purpose of helping us learn something.  Several of my clients who have a difficult time setting boundaries or standing up for themselves or making themselves a priority have had animals who pushed them and pushed them until they finally learned what they needed to learn . . . that they were important too.  While it may have been difficult while they were going through it, in the end EVERYONE was happier.  The person felt more empowered and was happier, the animals behavior "improved" and the household became harmonious again.  

Sometimes the lesson comes by an animal experiencing medical issues as a way for us to learn what we need to learn.  My own Lucky can be single-handedly (pawedly) credited with everything I learned about holistic medicine, alternative healing methods, the mind/body connection.   She is the reason I am a reiki practitioner and an animal communicator. Unfortunately, I didn't learn all of that because she said "Hey mom, check this out!"  I learned about all of that because I was determined to help her find a way to recover from all the trauma she had experienced as a puppy.  She took on an enormous amount of pain so that I could get on the right path in life.  (For that, I will be forever grateful).  

I have had clients who learned that they were stronger and far more capable of handling difficult things than they ever though because of what they went through with their animals health.  I have had clients who learned to take time out to be still and stop "doing" all the time, when they realized their animals injury wasn't healing because their animal couldn't stay still either.  I had a client whose animal had cancer and she learned everything she could about alternative treatments and several years later, her animal is still thriving . . . and a year ago, when she got her own cancer diagnosis, she wasn't afraid at all because she had already done all the research and knew how she would approach her healing . . . the same way she had approached healing with her cat.   I had another client who didn't believe in herself or have much confidence, and when she adopted an animal that had the same issue, and helped him believe in himself and become self confident, then she could see how she could do the same thing for herself.

Whenever a new client calls me about a problem they are having with their animal, the first thing that comes into my mind is "I wonder what the animal is trying to teach their guardian." They are almost always trying to teach us something.  I think I will always be in awe of animals and the selfless way they set out to help us be better versions of ourselves.  I think it's only fair that we pay as much attention as possible.

Healing Crisis?

Last weekend, I was sure Lucky was going to be leaving me any day.  For several days, she had lost all bladder control, after a few days that seemed to improve but then she couldn't keep anything down for two days, even throwing up water.  The vomiting finally subsided but was replaced by diarrhea.  For a week, it seemed as if her body was giving out and I was doing my best to prepare for the end.  

But after all those scary days, something strange happened . . . Lucky seemed to improve.  She could keep food down, she could let me know when she needed to go potty.  I began to wonder if maybe she had been experiencing a 'healing crisis' in those previous days.  I searched the internet trying to find information on healing crisis in animals but couldn't find much information.  Certainly not anything that explained what I had witnessed.  All I could go on was my own observations. 

What I noticed was that Lucky's tumor was smaller and softer after our rough week of no bladder control, vomiting and diarrhea.  That was something I couldn't ignore.  Is that proof that what she was experiencing WAS a healing crisis?  I don't know if it's "proof" but it certainly leads me in that direction.  But even if it was a healing crisis, what does that mean?  I don't think it means her cancer is gone, because her tumor is still there but maybe it bought us some more time.  Maybe it's a sign that the new things I am trying (essential oils, mushrooms, etc) are making a difference.  I am encouraged enough to keep using them.   

The other things I observed was that Lucky seemed happy, a few times she played with squeak toys, she was interested in eating, she looked happy and alert when we went out in the car.  I can only interpret that as, at the moment, Lucky feels good and she's content.  It still doesn't tell me how much time she has - something I try not to worry about - but it's easier said than done.

One of the things I have realized is that we never really know . . . we don't know if we're going to get results from the medicine we try using to help our animals (whether it's traditional or alternative), we don't know how much time we have.  There is so much we don't know - and for me - a person who liked to understand things and know things - this has been a challenge for me.  It's hard to trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen.  I try to stay in trust and be present and just enjoy every moment I have with her and still, sometimes the 'not knowing' gets to me.   

Maybe that's the gift that Lucky is giving me.  Maybe she's trying to show me that I don't have to 'know' all the time and that I would be happier if I was in the place of trust more often.   I am going to give it my best shot . . . to trust, to be present, to enjoy the now.  If that is what she would like me to learn, I want to be a good student. I'm also trying my hardest to quiet the voices of "what if, what about tomorrow, etc."  I know I need to just appreciate this precious german shepherd while I can.  There might be some more things she wants to teach me, so I am going to continue to pay attention as much as I can and be a good student.  

Preparing for the end

This week, Lucky's health took a turn for the worse.  It was such a dramatic decline, it was like getting slapped in the face with reality . . . a reality I have, on some level, been avoiding.  I had rationalized that if I started to "prepare" for the end (i.e. figuring out what I was going to do with Lucky's body after she passed, and the mechanics of how all that was going to work), that I would somehow be putting a message out to the universe that I was ready, that I wanted it to happen.  And I have been anything but ready, so I have put off thinking about any of the details.  Some of my resistance was almost child like in a way . . . the "If i don't think about it, it won't happen" mentality but I think my biggest fear was that Lucky would think that I WANTED her to go if I was making preparations for her departure.  

Thursday night was such a long and scary night for us, I was finally forced to confront all the things I didn't want to face.  I had "the talk" with her . . . where I told her it was OK for her to go. I explained that I didn't want her to but that I understood that she was going to have to leave me at some point and that if she was ready to go, I would honor that.  I told her that she didn't need to stay on my account and that I would be alright if it was time for her to go. I did an enormous amount of crying that night . . . as I told her how much she had meant to me, how much I had learned from her during our almost 13.5 years together, how grateful I was that she had come into my life to be my guardian, my teacher and my best friend.  I slept on the floor with her that night, not able to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time, for fear that she wouldn't be breathing when I woke up and I didn't want to be asleep when she made her transition.  Miraculously, Friday morning came and she was still here.  She actually seemed better than she had been the night before and I wondered if maybe it was just a bad night and not a sign she was getting ready to leave.  But I also knew that was wishful thinking on my part.  My intuition tells me the end is near . . . I don't know if it's going to be days or weeks, but I know our time together is limited.  

Friday afternoon, I focused on getting prepared.  I contacted a pet cemetery that I know of that does cremations and gathered all the information I needed, i.e. their hours of operations, details about getting her body there, information on costs, how individual cremations are done, what the options are for attending a cremation, etc.  If felt good to have the information I needed and to have a better understanding of how all that worked.  I then tried to think through the mechanics of it all . . . a place I have not wanted to go . . . but I knew it was a necessity.  My biggest fears were that I may not be able to get her into the car by myself and that I may be too emotional to safely drive her to the cemetery.  It is moments like this that I struggle with being a single woman.  For the most part, I am able to handle just about anything by myself but when it comes to losing Lucky, I have found myself wishing I had a husband or partner who would help me with these types of things.  

Rather than wallow in self pity on that, I decided to figure out how I could get the help that I needed without running out to try and find a husband on short demand.  I emailed two male friends of mine who both happen to have flexible hours and ask them if they would be willing to help me with these two issues when the time came.  They both responded saying they would be more than happy to help and to just let them know what I needed.  I shouldn't have been surprised. They are both incredibly kind and generous.  I knew they would help me. The problem lies with me and my hesitancy to ask for help sometimes.  

With all those details worked out, I was amazed at how much calmer I felt.  I was glad I was able to get those details figured out and now there aren't any more unknowns . . . well, there is one more unknown, and it's one I am still having trouble facing completely.  My wish is that Lucky will pass on her own, without any medical intervention on my part. I have talked to her about it and let her know how I feel.  There's no way of knowing if she'll be able to honor my request but I am praying that she can.  We don't currently have a veterinarian and if Lucky needed assistance passing, I don't know what we would do.  I hate the idea of having a stranger come and give her a shot to help her pass.  I hope it doesn't come to that, because I feel much more comfortable with the idea of Lucky going peacefully on her own but I guess only time will tell on that one.  

So, I was feeling pretty good about where we were.  I had faced reality and had survived.  I reminded Lucky and the Universe that it didn't mean I WANTED her to go, but that I was ready and at peace about it for when the time came.  I didn't realize I still had something else to address until I got on the computer and read my emails tonight.  

I have recently been in touch with an old boyfriend of mine from college.  We broke up in 1984 and until a few days ago, we hadn't been in touch since.  Twenty five years is a long time to go without speaking and we've had a lot of catching up to do.  I have been feeling grateful to reconnect, and feeling blessed that there are no hard feelings between us at all.  Our break up wasn't ugly, we didn't dislike each other or fight.  In fact, we both still respect one another a lot. Our break up was more an issue of distance than anything else. 

When I got on the computer tonight and found an email from him, something in his email hit me like a ton of bricks.  He said that he realized through our relationship how challenging long distance relationships were because we spent what precious little time we had together dreading the fact that we would soon be apart again, which put a big damper on our time together. Reading that line, I felt like someone slapped me upside the head and I realized how truly important his words were.  

Even though he was talking about us, I could see that it was also a message for me right now . . . and how I was feeling about Lucky.  I had made my peace with the fact that she is leaving soon but I was doing exactly what he and I used to do . . . being more focused on how sad we were going to be when our visit ended, instead of enjoying every moment of our visit.  I have spent the last two days feeling the sadness of Lucky's imminent departure instead of really enjoying my time with her.  I have let myself get overwhelmed with grief over how I'll get through my morning routine without her there, or how much I will miss going to the park and seeing all her friends after she is gone or how depressing it will be to run an errand without her in the car with me.  I have been thinking about how sad I am going to be when she is gone, rather than letting myself enjoy her company now.  His email was a major wake up call to me and I am determined to adjust my attitude right now.  

I am going to embrace every day, every hour that I have left with Lucky.  I am going to make sure I am appreciating this precious time that we have and letting her know I am still happy that she is here with me.  

I can't help thinking I am getting some cosmic guidance here.  To hear from my old boyfriend out of the blue after 25 years and to get the guidance that I really need and that he probably didn't even realize he was offering me seems like more than just a coincidence.  The timing is certainly interesting.  I am grateful that he got in touch with me and grateful that he was able to give me the push that I needed to adjust my attitude.  I am now going to get back in the other room with Lucky and have some fun with her.  

Communication challenge

People often ask me "If my animal can understand everything I say, why won't they always do what I ask them to do?"  The honest answer is "because sometimes they don't want to do it." 

It's not that they are being mean or disrespectful.  Often times, it's just a case of their desire to do something being stronger than their desire to honor our request.  

Many people will argue that animals just want to please us, therefore it makes sense to them that an animal would do whatever they could to make us happy.  I believe that while they DO want to please us and in most cases will do whatever they can to make us happy . . . they are still thinking, feeling beings with their own wants and desires.  

Animals aren't much different than children that way.  A parent may ask their child to not do something (i.e. don't jump on the couch) but regardless of their desire to please their parent, the fun they get from jumping on the couch out-ways their desire to make their parents happy. 

I have several clients who are struggling with this and I am struggling with it as well.  I have one client whose dog keeps licking her paw.  She has licked it so much that it is a huge open sore now and her guardian and I are both worried it is going to get infected.  Regardless of how many times we have explained to her that the licking is only making it worse, how many times we have asked her to please stop licking it and give it a chance to heal, she continues to lick it and the wound continues to get worse.  Another client has a cat who has started to refuse to use the cat box.  We talked to her about how important it was for her to use the cat box. (that didn't work) Then we thought it was a medical issue or a mental (dimensia type) issue but it's difficult to categorize the behavior as either of those, because she will walk right up to a cat box and past it, and then go potty on the floor a foot away, or her guardian will put her in the cat box and she'll refuse to go potty, but she'll step out of the cat box and go potty 6 inches away.

In these cases, we often have to resort to other means . . . such as e-collars to keep them from licking themselves or confining an animal to one room so they don't go potty all over the house. But it can bring up a lot of frustration with guardians . . . especially when the solutions aren't as easy as an e-collar or confining an animal).  

My current issue with Lucky is her intense desire to "clean up after herself" when she has a poop accident.  I have talked to her about it repeatedly, told her how upset it makes me when she eats her own poop, told her how I don't mind cleaning up when she has an accident and to please leave it for me, I have reminded her of how upset her stomach gets when she eats her own poop . . . but the challenge continues.  Lucky has accidents from time to time, and when she does, she will attempt to 'scarf up the evidence' before I get a chance to clean it up.  

I know part of the issue is a matter of pride for her.  She is embarrassed that she has these accidents from time to time, which she and I both know she doesn't have any control over.  She wants to 'clean up' so she doesn't have to be embarrassed that it happened. She also thinks she is saving me the hassle of cleaning it up if she does it.  I have talked to her about both of those things and I try to be as understanding as possible but it continues to be an issue with the two of us. 

Yesterday, I had a long talk with her again, about how I understood the pride issue, and her desire to make things 'easier on me' but reiterated again how strongly I would like her to let ME do the clean up when she has an accident.  I was hopeful that I had gotten through to her. 

Unfortunately, last night when we were out in the yard for her last potty break before bed, she managed to grab a piece of her own poop that was in the yard, that I hadn't yet picked up and woof it down before I even knew what was happening.  For a moment, I was furious . . . as this didn't fit the description of a "pride issue" or a "I don't want mom to have to clean the carpet issue."  The only answer I could come up with was that her desire to eat her own poop outweighed any desire she had to honor my request or "please me."  I sense this is going to continue to be a struggle for us because I don't know how to lessen her desire for one or increase her desire for the other.  

I guess sometimes we just have to accept the fact that these thinking, feeling, intelligent beings we share our lives with really do have minds of their own . . . and from time to time, what they want is not going to be in harmony with what we want.  

Trust

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the struggle I was having . . . feeling like I had hit a dead end when it came to treatment options for Lucky's tumors.  I mentioned that I wanted to believe that if there was another option, it would come to me without me having to work so hard to find it. I also mentioned that while that was my belief, I still had trouble being patient enough for those answers to come. 

Within a week of writing that post, two of my clients, who I also consider friends (and earthbound angels) approached me with ideas on things I could try that I hadn't tried yet.  It was as if the dark cloud hanging over me had receded and I felt hopeful again.   We knew there was no guarantee that any of these options would help, but we also knew there was no harm in trying.  And I always feel better when I am doing SOMETHING so I felt inspired to have something new to try.

The first option was essential oils.  I currently use essential oils on Lucky to deal with pain, and I have used flower essences to help with her anxiety in years past, but I didn't know essential oils could be used to address tumors.   There were many different recommendations on which oils could be used and my friend brought over all the ones she had so I could figure out which ones would be best for Lucky.  I read everything I could about using essential oils on animals, so that I could be sure I didn't make any mistakes. Animals are more sensitive to oils than humans are, so you have to be much more careful about how much you use, how much you dilute them, etc.    I read information about how animals KNOW what is best for them.  The recommendation was that you open the bottles one at a time and wave them near the animal so they can smell it.  Then based on their reaction, you will know if the animal thinks it would be appropriate or not, i.e. if they continue to sniff and seem interested, that is a good sign.  If they turn their head away or get up and move away, it's not an oil they want you to use on them.  

It made perfect sense to me, so I opened each of the bottles and let Lucky get a whiff.  She "picked" three . . .  frankincense, myrrh and lavender.  It felt good to know we were working together to figure this out.  I mixed up the appropriately diluted amounts of each and began by putting one drop of each on her tumor, 2 times a day.  They recommend three days on and three days off . . . and today is our 3rd day off . . . so we'll start again tomorrow for another three days.  Lucky doesn't mind at all when I rub the drop of oil on her tumor, so that tells me she is comfortable with what we are doing.   It's too soon to tell if it is going to work but for the moment, it feels like the right thing to do.   

A few days after I had started the essential oils, my other friend came by with seven different supplements that could be possible treatment options for Lucky.  At first I was overwhelmed looking at all the different bottles because I wasn't getting a strong intuitive hit on which ones would be best for Lucky.  Then I remembered how we had selected the essential oils and decided to let Lucky make the selection again.  I put all the bottles down on the floor next to her.  I explained that I wanted her to help me figure out which ones would help her.  I reminded her that it was OK if she didn't want/need any of them but asked her if she could let me know if she did want to start using any of them.  She sniffed each of the bottles, then very clearly, she picked out two. She picked them out by pawing at them with her front paw and then trying to pick them up with her teeth.   Just to be sure, I picked them all up, then put the two she had picked, plus two she hadn't picked back down on the floor in front of her and she picked the same two again, by pawing at them and trying to grab them with her mouth.  

So, I started giving Lucky those pills as well.  I did muscle testing to figure out the right dose (which ended up being 1 of each, 2 times a day).   Again, it's too soon to tell if they are going to help make the tumor go away but I feel good knowing that I am giving Lucky things that she helped select herself.  It feels good to not have sole responsibility for trying to figure out what to do and to know I can partner with Lucky to figure these things out.  It also feels good to know that I have the support of these two wonderful ladies. 

And I keep thinking about the belief that I say I have (which unfortunately, I don't always honor), that the answers WILL come to us, without us having to work so hard.  I got proof this past week that it's safe to hold that belief and hopefully, it will help me remember to trust it more often.  I was out of options and didn't know where else to turn . . . and then out of the blue, these two earthbound angels contacted me with suggestions on things I could try, things I had not come across in my own research.  If it hadn't been for them, I would still be at a loss as to what else to try and would be feeling helpless.

In my "lessons learned" category this week, I have three very important learnings . . . that the answers WILL come if we're patient and opened, that I am not alone and don't have to figure all of this out myself and finally, that Lucky can help me determine what she needs if I am willing to listen to her.  I'd say it was a pretty productive week from that standpoint.  

They are always listening

I had someone contact me this week who was concerned about one of her dogs.  She said he had been exhibiting strange behavior lately (licking a lot) and seemed anxious.  She was curious to know what was going on with him.  

When I first arrived at her house, we visited casually, as I met the dogs and a couple of the cats. While we were talking, I asked her when she first started noticing the strange behavior in her dog.  After a long pause, she told me that it was when she had begun focusing on taking care of herself.  I was momentarily stumped, since what I know of animals is that they WANT us to take care of ourselves.  Even though it didn't make sense in that moment, I knew it was an important piece of information.  When we went inside, I sat down on a chair, then moved to the floor.  The entire time I was inundated with attention from the animals, having my face licked, having my arms pawed in an attempt to get my attention.  One of the cats even 'combed my hair' with his paw.   What I was feeling from all of them was need . . . they were all very needy, wanting attention, wanting to prove they were valuable, etc.   Mixed in with the need was fear, fear that there wasn't enough love for all of them and fear of something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I shared what I was picking up with their guardian and began asking her more questions.  I kept going back to her original comment that the one dog began exhibiting nervous behavior when she put herself on the top of her priority list.  I asked her questions about what she had been doing differently since she began "taking care of herself," how she had been feeling, what had motivated her to make that particular change, how things had changed as a result for the animals.  (I realized pretty quickly that it wasn't just the one dog who was anxious, every single one of the animals was, even though they showed it in slightly different ways.)  

I was getting little hints of what was going on but hadn't put it all together yet when she said "I have said several times lately that if I was going to truly take care of myself, I would have only one animal instead of seven."  The moment she said that, all the pieces fell into place.  The behavior of the animals made perfect sense.   They had heard her say that she would only have ONE animal if she was going to take care of herself, so every single one of them was panicked in a way, worried that it wasn't going to be them, so they had all started to act nervously.  They were all acting needy but what they were really trying to say with their overly demonstrative behavior was "pick me, pick me!"  She felt bad that she had in some way created the behavior she didn't like because of what she had said.  She confessed that she had said quite a few times that she wished she had only one animal to care for.

We spent some time talking about whether she really meant what she said.  Was she really ready to re-home six of her animals?  The truth was, she didn't want to let any of them go but their recent behavior changes had made it harder and harder for her to deal with the seven of them.  She was still taking care of all of their basic needs . . . they were being fed, walked, played with and cuddled with . . . . she was doing everything 'right' in terms of taking care of her animals but it was as if there was no way to give them enough.  They were all requiring so much attention that she had even LESS time for herself, which was the opposite of what she was trying to do, so she was starting to feel that the only way she could take care of herself was if she had less animals.  She said that she wanted to keep them all and would, if they could need less from her.  

We gathered all the animals together and I explained to them that none of them was going anywhere.  I explained how their guardian was feeling and assured them that she wasn't going to let any of them go but that we needed their help.  I assured them that there was enough love for all of them and reminded them that they were a family and that they needed to work together.  I gave them some examples of the behaviors that she was concerned about, and reassured them that they didn't need to prove anything, that they were loved and would be staying where they were.  All of the animals immediately calmed down.  Some moved a few feet away and put their heads down to rest, others just sat on the floor calmly, as their guardian and I continued to talk.  The frenetic energy that I experienced when I first got there had stopped and everyone seemed peaceful.  

I explained that the animals may need some reminders/assurances if they began to act nervous again but that I was confident that soon, they would have a peaceful household again.  Much to my delight, I got an email from the woman the next morning telling me they had had the most peaceful morning they had ever had.  No one was acting needy, no one was standing on her when she woke up in the morning, no one followed her from room to room as she tried to get ready for work.  She said everyone was relaxed and calm.   She checked in with me a few more times during the week to let me know their household was just as calm and peaceful as it had been the morning after my visit.  The animals all seemed happy and content, appreciating the attention she gave them but not being pushy for attention.   She was thrilled and I think the animals were too.  Their biggest fear had been alleviated.  They were all staying in this wonderful home with their incredibly kind hearted guardian.

I share her story with all of you as a reminder that our animals really do hear everything we say.  Many people don't believe animals have the ability to understand us when we talk but I couldn't be more certain that they do.  I believe animals learn just as babies do, by listening.  A baby's vocabulary grows as they hear the people around them speak, and I believe animals are the same.  (one caveat:  animals who aren't ever around people at all will have a far more limited vocabulary).

So, pay attention to what you say around your animals.  They are listening and they are taking it all in.   I know none of us ever purposely says things that would hurt our animals feelings or make them worry but we can inadvertently upset them if we aren't paying close enough attention to what we're saying around them.  

When do you stop?

I find myself in a very challenging position this week, trying to figure out where the "line" is.  The line I refer to is the one between two points . . . the "try everything you can to keep your animal alive" point . . . and the "accept what is" point.   

My dog Lucky has been battling cancer since last June.  For the past 10 months, we have had some successes (tumor shrinking, tumor not getting any bigger) and some non-successes (tumor getting larger).  More recently, we have been in the "tumor is getting bigger" category and I think I have run out of options.

Over the last ten months, there have been moments where I have felt empowered and thought we were truly going to beat this.  In other moments, I have felt defeated because there isn't really a clear cut answer to "how do you get rid of cancer" - you just keep trying one thing after another after another until you get the results you are looking for.  I have spent countless hours researching holistic options, trying everything I can think of to heal her from this cancer.  Each time I find a new option, I am filled with hope and encouragement, certain that this will be the thing that will make the tumors go away. Sometimes they work for a while, and then for some reason unbeknownst to me, they stop working and I'm off to find the "next thing" to try.  It's like throwing spaghetti noodles against the wall, waiting for one of them to stick.  

This week, the reality of the situation we are in has set in a bit.  I have realized that I have tried just about everything I have been able to find in the way of cancer remedies and yet her tumors continue to grow.  And so I am faced with the question of "When do you stop?" When do you stop trying to fight it and accept what is. 

Giving up is not something that comes easily to me.  I am a very determined person by nature and it has always seemed that the more life threw at me, the harder I worked, determined to not give up, determined to get to the other side of whatever it was I was faced with . . . but given that I have, at this moment, run out of options, I am wondering if I need to move into the place of acceptance.  Should I start accepting that the tumor is going to keep growing, regardless of what I do? Should I start preparing myself for the reality that cancer is going to beat us, instead of the other way around?  

It is a difficult position to be in . . . I don't like the idea of giving up, yet I also know that there are probably times where no matter what we do, we aren't going to "win."  The truth is that Lucky is a few months away from being 14 years old.  For a German Shepherd, that is an impressive age to be.  Many shepherds who haven't been faced with the health challenges that Lucky has, haven't made it to their 14th birthday.  So, I wonder . . . should I just be grateful that she has lived this long and count my blessings?  I have to face the fact that even if we succeeded in making the tumors go away, the reality is she may not live much longer anyway.

Thinking about these things makes me sad and kind of confused as well.  I still don't know the answer to the question "When do you stop?"  I try to have faith, I try to trust that if there IS another option to try, I will find it without having to work so hard.  This brings up another challenge of mine . . . patience . . . I want to believe that the answers we seek will come to us, but I have a hard time waiting for the answers to come.  I get filled with determination and will spend hours and hours doing research, trying to find new options for us to try.  

I think that part of the motivation for that drive comes from not wanting to let Lucky down.  She has entrusted me with her care and I have always wanted to do the very best for her that I could.  I think about how I would feel if she passed away and a week later I found out about another cancer treatment we could have tried . . . and that thought makes me want to keep pushing forward.  I don't want to give up too soon, I don't want to leave any stone unturned because I want to be the rock star of a person that Lucky thinks I am.

Speaking of Lucky . . . she's laying here at my feet while I type this.  She is a happy girl, in spite of the tumors.  They are making it more difficult for her to go potty and sometimes interfere with her ability to know when she has to go potty, but from what I can tell, I'm pretty sure the tumors bother me more than they bother her.  She still has a great appetite, she still plays with her toys and acts goofy, she still loves it when I lay on the floor with her and scratch her belly, or just snuggle with her . .  she doesn't seem to be unhappy in any way.  The treatments that we keep trying have not been hard on her . . . well, there were a couple that made her throw up, so we stopped them immediately, but for the most part, everything we have tried has been gentle on her system and hasn't inhibited her from enjoying life.  That was part of the promise I made to her and myself . . . I wasn't going to do anything that made her sick or interfered with her quality of life, which I why we have been approaching this from an eastern perspective instead of a western one since day one. 

She isn't telling me she is ready to go.  When I ask her if we should keep trying to fight this, the only thing I get from her is that she trusts me.  That in itself is a beautiful thing . . . regardless of how much I struggle over whether or not I am doing the right things for her, she has placed her trust in me, she believes in me, yet it doesn't stop me from getting twisted up over this question that has been lingering in my head all week . . . 

I don't know when I will move to the place of acceptance . . . as I type this, I am already thinking about going back to the internet to google some more . . to see if there is anything else I might have missed in the way of treatment options . . . so I guess I have answered my own question, at least for today.  I don't think I am ready to give up trying to find more options for treating her cancer.  I doubt it will make the question stop rattling around in my head but at least for tonight, I know what I will spend the evening doing . . . sitting on the computer and trying to figure out if there is anything else we can try. 

And I keeping thinking about what my sweet girl keeps telling me . . . that she trusts me . . . if only I could trust myself as much as she trusts me.