What Are You Focusing On?

 It is my belief that as long as we hang on to our differences to such a degree that we don't like other people or we blame them for what's happening in the world, we can end up perpetuating those types of experiences. Conversely, if we can accept that others hold a different view or belief and focus instead on what we DO agree on or what we DO appreciate about each other, we can have relationships that are much more peaceful and freeing.

This blog I wrote a few years back offers some more thoughts on the options we have to navigate the road ahead. There might be some nuggets in here for you to ponder on.

Some of my best friends from college and I were sharing our most favorite song at that particular time and while I was writing the previous blog post, a response came through from one of them mentioning U2's "Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way" which couldn't have been more perfectly timed for what I was writing.

My other friend said that his current favorites were both by Cody Jinx . . . "Hippies and Cowboys" and "Somewhere in the Middle" . . . I laughed and said "So basically songs about the 3 of us?" 

From our original gang of eight close knit friends, I have remained the closest to these two guys. Our friendship is just as strong now (maybe even stronger) than it was back then. Interestingly enough for as long as I can remember, the three of us have held different positions on a lot of things . . . . whether it was politics or religion or the music we listened to. As an example, one of us would only listen to country music, one of us would only listen to alternative music, one of us was willing to listen to both . . . One of us was a hardcore Catholic, one of us was a semi-present Catholic and one of us was raised without any religion at all. And yet, it didn't stop us from being really close friends.

While reflecting on our connection, I've realized how much things have shifted over the years. Where we used to argue and debate our stance back in the day, we've moved to a place of accepting that we have differences and it doesn't stop us from appreciating each other and the friendship we share. If we DO talk about those topics, it is usually with a desire to understand where the other is coming from, rather than looking for an opportunity to pounce and tell the other one why they are wrong. 

I've also been fascinated to observe that we've often changed positions over the years. The one who wouldn't listen to country music now loves it and the one who would only listen to country music now listens to a whole variety of music. The one who was raised without any religion ended up converting to Catholicism, while another one has moved away from religion completely. There is a fluidness to it all. I can see that nothing is ever cast in concrete and we shift and change when we want to, not because we got beat down by the opinion of others. We are free to keep shifting and changing who we are. Granted, the three of us aren't perfect so occasionally we slip back into old ways and tease each other over a difference here or there but the majority of the time, we allow for those differences to be there.

The reason I am sharing all of this is because I can sense that this is something that will help us all navigate the road ahead. As long as we hang on to our differences to such a degree that we don't like other people or we blame them for what's happening in the world, we can perpetuate those types of experiences. As long as we ridicule and shame others for their beliefs, the more unhappiness and upheaval we will likely experience . . . and the more difficult it will be for everyone on the planet.

Conversely, if we can accept that others hold a different view or belief and focus instead on what we DO agree on or what we DO appreciate about each other, we can have relationships that are much more peaceful and freeing.

It's important to remember that accepting is not the same as agreeing. We don't have to all AGREE on every single issue in order to have a respectful relationship. If we can accept that we are going to have differences and focus instead on what we have in common, where we have shared beliefs or shared hopes for the future, it will go a long way toward shifting and uplifting our relationships. If we are able to accept that everyone is on their own journey, learning and growing in their own time and their own ways, the opportunities for peace and building bridges can present themselves even more rapidly.

I feel blessed that these two guys are still in my life. Regardless of where we are different, I know that any interaction we have is going to include a ton of laughter because we seem to bring out the best in each other when it comes to wit. I also know that no matter what, we will always show up for each other because we see each other with our hearts first. 

We have that choice every day. To use our hearts to help us see. To use compassion to help us connect. To hold space for others who are on a different path. At least for me, taking that approach makes life a whole lot sweeter. 

When do you stop?

I find myself in a very challenging position this week, trying to figure out where the "line" is.  The line I refer to is the one between two points . . . the "try everything you can to keep your animal alive" point . . . and the "accept what is" point.   

My dog Lucky has been battling cancer since last June.  For the past 10 months, we have had some successes (tumor shrinking, tumor not getting any bigger) and some non-successes (tumor getting larger).  More recently, we have been in the "tumor is getting bigger" category and I think I have run out of options.

Over the last ten months, there have been moments where I have felt empowered and thought we were truly going to beat this.  In other moments, I have felt defeated because there isn't really a clear cut answer to "how do you get rid of cancer" - you just keep trying one thing after another after another until you get the results you are looking for.  I have spent countless hours researching holistic options, trying everything I can think of to heal her from this cancer.  Each time I find a new option, I am filled with hope and encouragement, certain that this will be the thing that will make the tumors go away. Sometimes they work for a while, and then for some reason unbeknownst to me, they stop working and I'm off to find the "next thing" to try.  It's like throwing spaghetti noodles against the wall, waiting for one of them to stick.  

This week, the reality of the situation we are in has set in a bit.  I have realized that I have tried just about everything I have been able to find in the way of cancer remedies and yet her tumors continue to grow.  And so I am faced with the question of "When do you stop?" When do you stop trying to fight it and accept what is. 

Giving up is not something that comes easily to me.  I am a very determined person by nature and it has always seemed that the more life threw at me, the harder I worked, determined to not give up, determined to get to the other side of whatever it was I was faced with . . . but given that I have, at this moment, run out of options, I am wondering if I need to move into the place of acceptance.  Should I start accepting that the tumor is going to keep growing, regardless of what I do? Should I start preparing myself for the reality that cancer is going to beat us, instead of the other way around?  

It is a difficult position to be in . . . I don't like the idea of giving up, yet I also know that there are probably times where no matter what we do, we aren't going to "win."  The truth is that Lucky is a few months away from being 14 years old.  For a German Shepherd, that is an impressive age to be.  Many shepherds who haven't been faced with the health challenges that Lucky has, haven't made it to their 14th birthday.  So, I wonder . . . should I just be grateful that she has lived this long and count my blessings?  I have to face the fact that even if we succeeded in making the tumors go away, the reality is she may not live much longer anyway.

Thinking about these things makes me sad and kind of confused as well.  I still don't know the answer to the question "When do you stop?"  I try to have faith, I try to trust that if there IS another option to try, I will find it without having to work so hard.  This brings up another challenge of mine . . . patience . . . I want to believe that the answers we seek will come to us, but I have a hard time waiting for the answers to come.  I get filled with determination and will spend hours and hours doing research, trying to find new options for us to try.  

I think that part of the motivation for that drive comes from not wanting to let Lucky down.  She has entrusted me with her care and I have always wanted to do the very best for her that I could.  I think about how I would feel if she passed away and a week later I found out about another cancer treatment we could have tried . . . and that thought makes me want to keep pushing forward.  I don't want to give up too soon, I don't want to leave any stone unturned because I want to be the rock star of a person that Lucky thinks I am.

Speaking of Lucky . . . she's laying here at my feet while I type this.  She is a happy girl, in spite of the tumors.  They are making it more difficult for her to go potty and sometimes interfere with her ability to know when she has to go potty, but from what I can tell, I'm pretty sure the tumors bother me more than they bother her.  She still has a great appetite, she still plays with her toys and acts goofy, she still loves it when I lay on the floor with her and scratch her belly, or just snuggle with her . .  she doesn't seem to be unhappy in any way.  The treatments that we keep trying have not been hard on her . . . well, there were a couple that made her throw up, so we stopped them immediately, but for the most part, everything we have tried has been gentle on her system and hasn't inhibited her from enjoying life.  That was part of the promise I made to her and myself . . . I wasn't going to do anything that made her sick or interfered with her quality of life, which I why we have been approaching this from an eastern perspective instead of a western one since day one. 

She isn't telling me she is ready to go.  When I ask her if we should keep trying to fight this, the only thing I get from her is that she trusts me.  That in itself is a beautiful thing . . . regardless of how much I struggle over whether or not I am doing the right things for her, she has placed her trust in me, she believes in me, yet it doesn't stop me from getting twisted up over this question that has been lingering in my head all week . . . 

I don't know when I will move to the place of acceptance . . . as I type this, I am already thinking about going back to the internet to google some more . . to see if there is anything else I might have missed in the way of treatment options . . . so I guess I have answered my own question, at least for today.  I don't think I am ready to give up trying to find more options for treating her cancer.  I doubt it will make the question stop rattling around in my head but at least for tonight, I know what I will spend the evening doing . . . sitting on the computer and trying to figure out if there is anything else we can try. 

And I keeping thinking about what my sweet girl keeps telling me . . . that she trusts me . . . if only I could trust myself as much as she trusts me.