Healing Crisis?

Last weekend, I was sure Lucky was going to be leaving me any day.  For several days, she had lost all bladder control, after a few days that seemed to improve but then she couldn't keep anything down for two days, even throwing up water.  The vomiting finally subsided but was replaced by diarrhea.  For a week, it seemed as if her body was giving out and I was doing my best to prepare for the end.  

But after all those scary days, something strange happened . . . Lucky seemed to improve.  She could keep food down, she could let me know when she needed to go potty.  I began to wonder if maybe she had been experiencing a 'healing crisis' in those previous days.  I searched the internet trying to find information on healing crisis in animals but couldn't find much information.  Certainly not anything that explained what I had witnessed.  All I could go on was my own observations. 

What I noticed was that Lucky's tumor was smaller and softer after our rough week of no bladder control, vomiting and diarrhea.  That was something I couldn't ignore.  Is that proof that what she was experiencing WAS a healing crisis?  I don't know if it's "proof" but it certainly leads me in that direction.  But even if it was a healing crisis, what does that mean?  I don't think it means her cancer is gone, because her tumor is still there but maybe it bought us some more time.  Maybe it's a sign that the new things I am trying (essential oils, mushrooms, etc) are making a difference.  I am encouraged enough to keep using them.   

The other things I observed was that Lucky seemed happy, a few times she played with squeak toys, she was interested in eating, she looked happy and alert when we went out in the car.  I can only interpret that as, at the moment, Lucky feels good and she's content.  It still doesn't tell me how much time she has - something I try not to worry about - but it's easier said than done.

One of the things I have realized is that we never really know . . . we don't know if we're going to get results from the medicine we try using to help our animals (whether it's traditional or alternative), we don't know how much time we have.  There is so much we don't know - and for me - a person who liked to understand things and know things - this has been a challenge for me.  It's hard to trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen.  I try to stay in trust and be present and just enjoy every moment I have with her and still, sometimes the 'not knowing' gets to me.   

Maybe that's the gift that Lucky is giving me.  Maybe she's trying to show me that I don't have to 'know' all the time and that I would be happier if I was in the place of trust more often.   I am going to give it my best shot . . . to trust, to be present, to enjoy the now.  If that is what she would like me to learn, I want to be a good student. I'm also trying my hardest to quiet the voices of "what if, what about tomorrow, etc."  I know I need to just appreciate this precious german shepherd while I can.  There might be some more things she wants to teach me, so I am going to continue to pay attention as much as I can and be a good student.