Our big low point this week was the rapid onset of pressure sores on Lucky's hips and then an even more rapid increase in their severity. It was difficult for me to accept at first, given that I had done everything "right" to try to prevent them, making sure she was never laying on one side for too long, massaging her legs to enhance circulation, giving her daily Reiki treatments, etc. I had a few moments of feeling like I had failed her and was frustrated that even though I had done everything "right" she still ended up with pressure sores. Fortunately, I was able to remind myself that putting my energy on beating myself up and lamenting what had happened wasn't going to make either of us feel better so I went back to putting my energy into just dealing with it.
I started trying to find ways to create a 'donut pillow" with towels so her sores weren't touching the bed or blanket she was laying on. It was a lot of hit and miss . . . if the towel was too high, it hurt her back, if the towel was too low, her sore was still touching the ground. We finally found the right level, but every time she changed positions, we were back to trying to refluff the towel to just the right level. Then a wonderful friend of mine gave me a foam pad to cut up. (gee, why didn't I think of that?) After some comical tries with scissors and exacto knives and various other household implements, I was finally able to get a hole cut in the center and get it the right size. She also found a product for me to try called Wound Honey that I am putting on her sores. The downside is that she really seems to enjoy the taste of the Wound Honey, so I am having to wrap her lower body in a towel after I put it on, so she doesn't lick it all off but I am hopeful that it will help her wounds heal. At this point, the pressure sores aren't gone but at least we've got a system in place to make it easier to deal with them and hopefully we'll start to see some improvement in their healing.
On the positive side, another wonderful friend of mine borrowed a wagon from some friends of his, so that Lucky could go on some wagon rides. He had offered his own son's wagon to us a while back but it was too short for Lucky's body. I was ready to give up on the wagon idea, but fortunately for Lucky and I, he wasn't deterred. He found a bigger wagon and brought it over to us to try. I wasn't sure how Lucky was going to feel about it, but two minutes into our first wagon ride, it was obvious that it was a fantastic idea. We are both grateful for his persistence.
Lucky looked so happy as we cruised through our neighborhood. She was looking all around, taking in the sights and smells. I swear, she literally smiles when we are out on our wagon rides although you wouldn't know it from this picture. It seems that when I pull the camera out, she loses the smile and instead gives me the look that says "Oh geez, would you put that camera away? I'm so tired of having my picture taken!" I have promised her that I will leave the camera at home from now on and just focus on the fun of cruising around the neighborhood.
I will confess, at first I wasn't enjoying the wagon rides as much as Lucky was. I would cringe when we would encounter someone out on our walks because I was getting tired of responding to the question, "What's wrong with your dog?" I wanted to say "There is nothing wrong with her, she is perfect!" but instead, I would go into the diatribe of "Well, she has hip dysplasia and compressed disks in her spine and she has cancer and she is fourteen years old, blah, blah, blah," and I was getting tired of explaining all of that. I have this problem of not being able to answer a question in any other way than honestly and I also this unbending desire to focus on the positive instead of the negative. I don't want to create any pity for us either. We're doing pretty darn well, all things considered, so I am working on a response that will work (that is positive and honest). After all, I want to remain motivated to take her out for these wagon rides.
Here is a picture I took of Lucky today, after she had another bath. She didn't use to like getting baths very much, but lately, she hasn't seemed to mind at all. It has actually been almost fun. It allows us the opportunity to just do something together that isn't physically taxing, so there's no swearing involved. :-) and we get to be outside in the sunshine, which we both enjoy very much. And of course, it involves Lucky's favorite thing, which is being toweled off, especially when I am drying her head. She makes these sweet groaning sounds when I rub her ears and she rolls around and rubs her head on the grass like it's the most pleasurable experience in the world. I keep thinking that Lucky is going to leave me soon and I think her more frequent baths lately have had something to do with that. I am almost embarrassed to admit this but I really want her to be clean when she passes. I don't know if it's a fear of being judged by the people who will handle her cremation when she goes, although I can't imagine they would take the time to make comments to one another about the terrible guardian who let her dog get so dirty.
Maybe it has something to do with the concept my mother drilled into my head when I was growing up that you should always wear good, clean underwear in case you get in an accident. I never understood it, because I couldn't imagine someone being rushed to the emergency room and the doctors saying "Oh, we don't have to try very hard to save this person's life because they're not wearing clean underwear" and yet, somehow, that message stuck in my brain. What is the purpose of making sure you are wearing good, clean underwear in case you are in an accident? Is it a parent's fear that they'll be judged as a "bad parent"? That must be what got stuck in my brain because I have noticed I am much more focused on making sure Lucky is clean lately.
Fortunately, she is enjoying the baths, so apparently she doesn't mind going along with this odd ritual and I'm still making sure I don't wear underwear with any rips or holes because I guess you just never know when that will make a difference. :-)
On another topic, our water therapist gave me a questionnaire that she got this week from a vet that her animals is seeing. It's a "quality of life" assessment and she thought I would be interested in seeing it, as it is something she and I have been discussing lately. (Her Shepherd is 13 and having a lot of health issues as well). The first question was "How many pleasures does your pet currently have in his life?" and "How many pleasures did your pet have in his life when he was feeling his best physically and emotionally?" and I realized that while the "pleasures" Lucky has experienced in the past may not be the same as they are now, she still have a lot of pleasure (wagon rides, car rides, water therapy, sharing food with me, seeing kids she knows, etc).
Another one of the questions was "How willing would you be to take on the life your pet is now living?" At first, I wasn't sure how to answer that question but after a few minutes of contemplation, I decided that I would be willing to take on her life if I had someone taking care of me like she does. It may sound like I am being full of myself but in my heart, I know it's the truth. It made me feel a lot better about the job I am doing of taking care of her, because from time to time, I can be hard on myself about that.
Ultimately, after going through the questionnaire, I feel pretty confident that from a quality of life standpoint, Lucky is still happy to be here. Not that I was really questioning it, but it was nice to get some additional confirmation. I am not in a rush to help her move on and at the same time, I am doing my best to embrace the truth that she will be moving on soon.
Until then, I will hopefully ride out the ups and downs with as much grace and ease as possible, and continue to do my best to stay present and enjoy the ride.
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