As it has been quite often lately, it was another week filled with highs and lows for Lucky and I. Regardless of the difficulty of our journey at times, I continue to feel grateful because 1) Lucky is still here and 2) my dear sweet girl is still doing her best to educate me.The "as short as I can tell it" version of the story is, one of Lucky's pressure sores was pretty bad, so I had been letting her lay with that side up more often, hoping it would have a better chance to heal. When I discovered that the pressure sore on the other side was now getting worse, I began trying to get her to spend equal time laying on the other side, but Lucky didn't agree with my plan. Every time I put her on her right side she would get fidgety and fussy and then start barking at me and barking at me until I put her back on her left side.
When I began smelling that funky smell that told me her pressure sore was getting infected, I was even more determine to get her to lay on her right side. And the more determined I was, it seemed the more determined she was to fight me on it. For those of you who know Lucky and I, you know our shared traits of stubbornness and strong wills often causes us problems and this was no exception.
I kept explaining to her why laying on both sides was so important. I told her I didn't want the other pressure sore to keep getting worse, I pointed out that she was developing edema in one of her legs because she was always laying on one side. It wasn't making a difference. She continued to fight me on the issue.
After having a vet come to see her and getting an antibiotic to help clear up the infection, I was even more concerned. He told me that fluid was starting to build up in her left lung, since she was laying on that side all the time, and that if she continued to only lay on her left side, it was just going to keep getting worse. He told me she would probably pass away from fluid collecting in her lungs. It really scared me.
I realized that pushing my desire on her wasn't getting us anywhere, as it seemed the more I pushed, the more she resisted but I also didn't want to see her lung fill with fluid if there was a way we could prevent it. I was getting so tired of the test of wills we went through every time I tried to get her to switch sides. I was feeling so frustrated . . . how could she keep refusing to do what I KNEW was the right thing for her?? and why wasn't she listening to me when I kept explaining why laying on her right side was so important??
Finally out of exasperation, I told her that she could do whatever she wanted. I explained that if she continued to only lay on her left side, her lung was going to keep filling with fluid and that she would probably pass away more quickly as a result. I also told her that if that was what she wanted, I would support her in that. I told her I wasn't going to push anymore, that it was her choice.
As soon as I finished having my "talk" with her, I felt a feeling of calm come over me. I felt at peace about it and something told me that this was the right thing to do. This was her body after all, and her life. Besides, I didn't want our final days to be ones that were filled with power struggles so I knew I needed to just back off and let her decide what she wanted to do. The rest of the day, I felt more peaceful and more calm than I had been in a while.
Much to my amazement, that night, she willingly laid on her right side. I thought it was a fluke at first but later on, after laying on her left side for a while, she willingly laid on her right side again. This all started on Wednesday, and here it is now, Sunday afternoon and she is still willing to spend equal time laying on both sides.
This "lesson" that Lucky gave me is not something that is new to me. In my years as a Corporate Trainer and Management Coach, I taught this concept all the time . . . about the ways that we create resistance (pushing and not listening) and the ways to reduce resistance (empower the other person and get them to help solve the problem). I helped people notice the signs that they were creating resistance, I gave them tools to eliminate the resistance they had created. Why wasn't I remembering the stuff that I had taught for years? I suspect that I didn't think this qualified, since I was in "mom-mode," sure that I had the right answer and that she would be alright if she would just listen to me.
It was a big shift for me to step back and stop trying to push what I wanted on her. I suspect part of her plan was to get me to remember what I used to teach and re-learn the lesson that when we push too much, we rarely get what we want.
What I was doing NOW was empowering Lucky to take some ownership for her health. I was no longer saying "I need you to do this because it's what I want you to do" . . . I was telling her that she could decide what she wanted to do. I sense that she felt respected and that she appreciated it. I think she was also relieved that I finally got what she was trying to show me.
I always say that I believe animals come into our lives to teach us and help us grow and that when an animal is hanging on as Lucky has been, it is because they don't feel their "work" here is done yet. For all the joking I do about Lucky and I being stubborn and willful, I think she didn't want to leave until I took another look at my stubborn, willful ways . . . and to get reacquainted with when it is a positive trait and when it is a trait that is working against me.
So, I got re-educated this week and it feels good to not be creating resistance. :-) I am pleased that Lucky decided on her own to start laying on her right side, but I also know that I would have been OK if she chose not to. The feeling of peace that came over me when I told her it was up to her is a feeling I won't forget. It was as if every cell in my body was saying, "Yes!" And I know that if she suddenly decides she doesn't want to lay on her right side anymore, I will accept it because it really does feel right to let the decision be hers.
On an unrelated note, Lucky and I were at the park this week and we ran into some little girls that she has been friends with for 5-6 years. They were thrilled to see her and it was obvious that Lucky felt the same.
At one point, they picked flowers to put in Lucky's "hair" - it is something they have done before, but for some reason, it touched me even more when they did it this time. They were so excited about the flowers and kept telling Lucky how beautiful she looked. When other kids came over to say hi to Lucky, they would say "Does she look beautiful?" It was just too cute.
I didn't have my camera with me that day, so I promised the girls I would take some pictures of Lucky with the flowers in her hair when we got home.
I think the thing that has always touched me was that the kids Lucky knows from the park have always treated her like she was one of the kids, instead of a dog.
The way they talk to her, include her in what they are doing, the way they invite her to their birthday parties, etc. I think I look forward to our trips to the park as much as Lucky does, and it is probably one of the things I will miss the most when she is gone . . . so I am doing my best to embrace the joy we experience each time we're at the park.
And I am also doing my best to remember that if she is as intelligent and insightful as I keep saying she is, I should always treat her that way. I shouldn't assume that "I know better" just because I am the human because I have a feeling Lucky knows a whole lot more than I do and understands things that I can only hope to one day understand.
I don't know if I have learned everything I am supposed to learn from Lucky yet. Part of me hopes that I haven't, so she'll have a reason to stick around longer . . . and part of me hopes that I have, because I want to be a good 'student' and make sure she fulfilled what she came here to do. I know she has worked hard to get me to where I am now and she deserves some peace. I'm just not sure I am ever going to be ready to say goodbye to her but I am committed to doing my best to pay attention to whatever else she is trying to teach me, so she can complete her work here on earth with me.
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