Preparing for the end

This week, Lucky's health took a turn for the worse.  It was such a dramatic decline, it was like getting slapped in the face with reality . . . a reality I have, on some level, been avoiding.  I had rationalized that if I started to "prepare" for the end (i.e. figuring out what I was going to do with Lucky's body after she passed, and the mechanics of how all that was going to work), that I would somehow be putting a message out to the universe that I was ready, that I wanted it to happen.  And I have been anything but ready, so I have put off thinking about any of the details.  Some of my resistance was almost child like in a way . . . the "If i don't think about it, it won't happen" mentality but I think my biggest fear was that Lucky would think that I WANTED her to go if I was making preparations for her departure.  

Thursday night was such a long and scary night for us, I was finally forced to confront all the things I didn't want to face.  I had "the talk" with her . . . where I told her it was OK for her to go. I explained that I didn't want her to but that I understood that she was going to have to leave me at some point and that if she was ready to go, I would honor that.  I told her that she didn't need to stay on my account and that I would be alright if it was time for her to go. I did an enormous amount of crying that night . . . as I told her how much she had meant to me, how much I had learned from her during our almost 13.5 years together, how grateful I was that she had come into my life to be my guardian, my teacher and my best friend.  I slept on the floor with her that night, not able to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time, for fear that she wouldn't be breathing when I woke up and I didn't want to be asleep when she made her transition.  Miraculously, Friday morning came and she was still here.  She actually seemed better than she had been the night before and I wondered if maybe it was just a bad night and not a sign she was getting ready to leave.  But I also knew that was wishful thinking on my part.  My intuition tells me the end is near . . . I don't know if it's going to be days or weeks, but I know our time together is limited.  

Friday afternoon, I focused on getting prepared.  I contacted a pet cemetery that I know of that does cremations and gathered all the information I needed, i.e. their hours of operations, details about getting her body there, information on costs, how individual cremations are done, what the options are for attending a cremation, etc.  If felt good to have the information I needed and to have a better understanding of how all that worked.  I then tried to think through the mechanics of it all . . . a place I have not wanted to go . . . but I knew it was a necessity.  My biggest fears were that I may not be able to get her into the car by myself and that I may be too emotional to safely drive her to the cemetery.  It is moments like this that I struggle with being a single woman.  For the most part, I am able to handle just about anything by myself but when it comes to losing Lucky, I have found myself wishing I had a husband or partner who would help me with these types of things.  

Rather than wallow in self pity on that, I decided to figure out how I could get the help that I needed without running out to try and find a husband on short demand.  I emailed two male friends of mine who both happen to have flexible hours and ask them if they would be willing to help me with these two issues when the time came.  They both responded saying they would be more than happy to help and to just let them know what I needed.  I shouldn't have been surprised. They are both incredibly kind and generous.  I knew they would help me. The problem lies with me and my hesitancy to ask for help sometimes.  

With all those details worked out, I was amazed at how much calmer I felt.  I was glad I was able to get those details figured out and now there aren't any more unknowns . . . well, there is one more unknown, and it's one I am still having trouble facing completely.  My wish is that Lucky will pass on her own, without any medical intervention on my part. I have talked to her about it and let her know how I feel.  There's no way of knowing if she'll be able to honor my request but I am praying that she can.  We don't currently have a veterinarian and if Lucky needed assistance passing, I don't know what we would do.  I hate the idea of having a stranger come and give her a shot to help her pass.  I hope it doesn't come to that, because I feel much more comfortable with the idea of Lucky going peacefully on her own but I guess only time will tell on that one.  

So, I was feeling pretty good about where we were.  I had faced reality and had survived.  I reminded Lucky and the Universe that it didn't mean I WANTED her to go, but that I was ready and at peace about it for when the time came.  I didn't realize I still had something else to address until I got on the computer and read my emails tonight.  

I have recently been in touch with an old boyfriend of mine from college.  We broke up in 1984 and until a few days ago, we hadn't been in touch since.  Twenty five years is a long time to go without speaking and we've had a lot of catching up to do.  I have been feeling grateful to reconnect, and feeling blessed that there are no hard feelings between us at all.  Our break up wasn't ugly, we didn't dislike each other or fight.  In fact, we both still respect one another a lot. Our break up was more an issue of distance than anything else. 

When I got on the computer tonight and found an email from him, something in his email hit me like a ton of bricks.  He said that he realized through our relationship how challenging long distance relationships were because we spent what precious little time we had together dreading the fact that we would soon be apart again, which put a big damper on our time together. Reading that line, I felt like someone slapped me upside the head and I realized how truly important his words were.  

Even though he was talking about us, I could see that it was also a message for me right now . . . and how I was feeling about Lucky.  I had made my peace with the fact that she is leaving soon but I was doing exactly what he and I used to do . . . being more focused on how sad we were going to be when our visit ended, instead of enjoying every moment of our visit.  I have spent the last two days feeling the sadness of Lucky's imminent departure instead of really enjoying my time with her.  I have let myself get overwhelmed with grief over how I'll get through my morning routine without her there, or how much I will miss going to the park and seeing all her friends after she is gone or how depressing it will be to run an errand without her in the car with me.  I have been thinking about how sad I am going to be when she is gone, rather than letting myself enjoy her company now.  His email was a major wake up call to me and I am determined to adjust my attitude right now.  

I am going to embrace every day, every hour that I have left with Lucky.  I am going to make sure I am appreciating this precious time that we have and letting her know I am still happy that she is here with me.  

I can't help thinking I am getting some cosmic guidance here.  To hear from my old boyfriend out of the blue after 25 years and to get the guidance that I really need and that he probably didn't even realize he was offering me seems like more than just a coincidence.  The timing is certainly interesting.  I am grateful that he got in touch with me and grateful that he was able to give me the push that I needed to adjust my attitude.  I am now going to get back in the other room with Lucky and have some fun with her.