They are always listening

I had someone contact me this week who was concerned about one of her dogs.  She said he had been exhibiting strange behavior lately (licking a lot) and seemed anxious.  She was curious to know what was going on with him.  

When I first arrived at her house, we visited casually, as I met the dogs and a couple of the cats. While we were talking, I asked her when she first started noticing the strange behavior in her dog.  After a long pause, she told me that it was when she had begun focusing on taking care of herself.  I was momentarily stumped, since what I know of animals is that they WANT us to take care of ourselves.  Even though it didn't make sense in that moment, I knew it was an important piece of information.  When we went inside, I sat down on a chair, then moved to the floor.  The entire time I was inundated with attention from the animals, having my face licked, having my arms pawed in an attempt to get my attention.  One of the cats even 'combed my hair' with his paw.   What I was feeling from all of them was need . . . they were all very needy, wanting attention, wanting to prove they were valuable, etc.   Mixed in with the need was fear, fear that there wasn't enough love for all of them and fear of something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I shared what I was picking up with their guardian and began asking her more questions.  I kept going back to her original comment that the one dog began exhibiting nervous behavior when she put herself on the top of her priority list.  I asked her questions about what she had been doing differently since she began "taking care of herself," how she had been feeling, what had motivated her to make that particular change, how things had changed as a result for the animals.  (I realized pretty quickly that it wasn't just the one dog who was anxious, every single one of the animals was, even though they showed it in slightly different ways.)  

I was getting little hints of what was going on but hadn't put it all together yet when she said "I have said several times lately that if I was going to truly take care of myself, I would have only one animal instead of seven."  The moment she said that, all the pieces fell into place.  The behavior of the animals made perfect sense.   They had heard her say that she would only have ONE animal if she was going to take care of herself, so every single one of them was panicked in a way, worried that it wasn't going to be them, so they had all started to act nervously.  They were all acting needy but what they were really trying to say with their overly demonstrative behavior was "pick me, pick me!"  She felt bad that she had in some way created the behavior she didn't like because of what she had said.  She confessed that she had said quite a few times that she wished she had only one animal to care for.

We spent some time talking about whether she really meant what she said.  Was she really ready to re-home six of her animals?  The truth was, she didn't want to let any of them go but their recent behavior changes had made it harder and harder for her to deal with the seven of them.  She was still taking care of all of their basic needs . . . they were being fed, walked, played with and cuddled with . . . . she was doing everything 'right' in terms of taking care of her animals but it was as if there was no way to give them enough.  They were all requiring so much attention that she had even LESS time for herself, which was the opposite of what she was trying to do, so she was starting to feel that the only way she could take care of herself was if she had less animals.  She said that she wanted to keep them all and would, if they could need less from her.  

We gathered all the animals together and I explained to them that none of them was going anywhere.  I explained how their guardian was feeling and assured them that she wasn't going to let any of them go but that we needed their help.  I assured them that there was enough love for all of them and reminded them that they were a family and that they needed to work together.  I gave them some examples of the behaviors that she was concerned about, and reassured them that they didn't need to prove anything, that they were loved and would be staying where they were.  All of the animals immediately calmed down.  Some moved a few feet away and put their heads down to rest, others just sat on the floor calmly, as their guardian and I continued to talk.  The frenetic energy that I experienced when I first got there had stopped and everyone seemed peaceful.  

I explained that the animals may need some reminders/assurances if they began to act nervous again but that I was confident that soon, they would have a peaceful household again.  Much to my delight, I got an email from the woman the next morning telling me they had had the most peaceful morning they had ever had.  No one was acting needy, no one was standing on her when she woke up in the morning, no one followed her from room to room as she tried to get ready for work.  She said everyone was relaxed and calm.   She checked in with me a few more times during the week to let me know their household was just as calm and peaceful as it had been the morning after my visit.  The animals all seemed happy and content, appreciating the attention she gave them but not being pushy for attention.   She was thrilled and I think the animals were too.  Their biggest fear had been alleviated.  They were all staying in this wonderful home with their incredibly kind hearted guardian.

I share her story with all of you as a reminder that our animals really do hear everything we say.  Many people don't believe animals have the ability to understand us when we talk but I couldn't be more certain that they do.  I believe animals learn just as babies do, by listening.  A baby's vocabulary grows as they hear the people around them speak, and I believe animals are the same.  (one caveat:  animals who aren't ever around people at all will have a far more limited vocabulary).

So, pay attention to what you say around your animals.  They are listening and they are taking it all in.   I know none of us ever purposely says things that would hurt our animals feelings or make them worry but we can inadvertently upset them if we aren't paying close enough attention to what we're saying around them.  

When do you stop?

I find myself in a very challenging position this week, trying to figure out where the "line" is.  The line I refer to is the one between two points . . . the "try everything you can to keep your animal alive" point . . . and the "accept what is" point.   

My dog Lucky has been battling cancer since last June.  For the past 10 months, we have had some successes (tumor shrinking, tumor not getting any bigger) and some non-successes (tumor getting larger).  More recently, we have been in the "tumor is getting bigger" category and I think I have run out of options.

Over the last ten months, there have been moments where I have felt empowered and thought we were truly going to beat this.  In other moments, I have felt defeated because there isn't really a clear cut answer to "how do you get rid of cancer" - you just keep trying one thing after another after another until you get the results you are looking for.  I have spent countless hours researching holistic options, trying everything I can think of to heal her from this cancer.  Each time I find a new option, I am filled with hope and encouragement, certain that this will be the thing that will make the tumors go away. Sometimes they work for a while, and then for some reason unbeknownst to me, they stop working and I'm off to find the "next thing" to try.  It's like throwing spaghetti noodles against the wall, waiting for one of them to stick.  

This week, the reality of the situation we are in has set in a bit.  I have realized that I have tried just about everything I have been able to find in the way of cancer remedies and yet her tumors continue to grow.  And so I am faced with the question of "When do you stop?" When do you stop trying to fight it and accept what is. 

Giving up is not something that comes easily to me.  I am a very determined person by nature and it has always seemed that the more life threw at me, the harder I worked, determined to not give up, determined to get to the other side of whatever it was I was faced with . . . but given that I have, at this moment, run out of options, I am wondering if I need to move into the place of acceptance.  Should I start accepting that the tumor is going to keep growing, regardless of what I do? Should I start preparing myself for the reality that cancer is going to beat us, instead of the other way around?  

It is a difficult position to be in . . . I don't like the idea of giving up, yet I also know that there are probably times where no matter what we do, we aren't going to "win."  The truth is that Lucky is a few months away from being 14 years old.  For a German Shepherd, that is an impressive age to be.  Many shepherds who haven't been faced with the health challenges that Lucky has, haven't made it to their 14th birthday.  So, I wonder . . . should I just be grateful that she has lived this long and count my blessings?  I have to face the fact that even if we succeeded in making the tumors go away, the reality is she may not live much longer anyway.

Thinking about these things makes me sad and kind of confused as well.  I still don't know the answer to the question "When do you stop?"  I try to have faith, I try to trust that if there IS another option to try, I will find it without having to work so hard.  This brings up another challenge of mine . . . patience . . . I want to believe that the answers we seek will come to us, but I have a hard time waiting for the answers to come.  I get filled with determination and will spend hours and hours doing research, trying to find new options for us to try.  

I think that part of the motivation for that drive comes from not wanting to let Lucky down.  She has entrusted me with her care and I have always wanted to do the very best for her that I could.  I think about how I would feel if she passed away and a week later I found out about another cancer treatment we could have tried . . . and that thought makes me want to keep pushing forward.  I don't want to give up too soon, I don't want to leave any stone unturned because I want to be the rock star of a person that Lucky thinks I am.

Speaking of Lucky . . . she's laying here at my feet while I type this.  She is a happy girl, in spite of the tumors.  They are making it more difficult for her to go potty and sometimes interfere with her ability to know when she has to go potty, but from what I can tell, I'm pretty sure the tumors bother me more than they bother her.  She still has a great appetite, she still plays with her toys and acts goofy, she still loves it when I lay on the floor with her and scratch her belly, or just snuggle with her . .  she doesn't seem to be unhappy in any way.  The treatments that we keep trying have not been hard on her . . . well, there were a couple that made her throw up, so we stopped them immediately, but for the most part, everything we have tried has been gentle on her system and hasn't inhibited her from enjoying life.  That was part of the promise I made to her and myself . . . I wasn't going to do anything that made her sick or interfered with her quality of life, which I why we have been approaching this from an eastern perspective instead of a western one since day one. 

She isn't telling me she is ready to go.  When I ask her if we should keep trying to fight this, the only thing I get from her is that she trusts me.  That in itself is a beautiful thing . . . regardless of how much I struggle over whether or not I am doing the right things for her, she has placed her trust in me, she believes in me, yet it doesn't stop me from getting twisted up over this question that has been lingering in my head all week . . . 

I don't know when I will move to the place of acceptance . . . as I type this, I am already thinking about going back to the internet to google some more . . to see if there is anything else I might have missed in the way of treatment options . . . so I guess I have answered my own question, at least for today.  I don't think I am ready to give up trying to find more options for treating her cancer.  I doubt it will make the question stop rattling around in my head but at least for tonight, I know what I will spend the evening doing . . . sitting on the computer and trying to figure out if there is anything else we can try. 

And I keeping thinking about what my sweet girl keeps telling me . . . that she trusts me . . . if only I could trust myself as much as she trusts me.

Understanding Pain

For most animal guardians, one of their greatest concerns, especially as their pets get older, is their animal's level of pain.  Of course, no one wants their animal to be in pain and we will do whatever we can to ensure our pets don't suffer.  And while I know this concern comes from a place of love and compassion and it always well intentioned, sometimes, our own fears can get the best of us.  Our worries about our animals being in pain can make us so full of fear that we over-react to what our animals are showing us. 

 

I am fortunate enough to be able to feel what animals are feeling when I touch them so it is easy for me to get a sense of an animal's level of pain.  Most of the time, when a client expresses concern about how much pain their pet is in, what I feel is the equivalent of how you would feel the morning after you worked out for the first time in months (or years).   I have felt that stiff before, I have ached when I stood up after sitting for a while or felt stiff as I tried to move certain ways, but the pain wasn't anywhere close to making me want to have someone put me down.  

One of the things I have learned is that we often overlook the fact that what we do for ourselves when our muscles are sore are often the same things our animals can benefit from . .. gentle stretching, gentle massage, warm and cold compresses.  If we can do those things for our animals, we can often relieve the discomfort they are feeling in their bodies.  

I know that not everyone has the ability to feel what their animals feel that way I do, but that doesn't mean you can't see what your animals are showing you.  Here are some concerns that my clients have shared with me and what I believe the signs could mean.

- My animal is sleeping a lot. Is that a sign they are in pain?   Usually not.  Think about when you are in pain.  How much are you able to sleep?   I believe when animals are sleeping a lot, it is their body's way of trying to repair itself.  When we're sick, we usually feel better when we sleep a lot.  I don't believe animals are that different.  They sleep because they are trying to fight off whatever it is they are trying to fight off.  I don't believe it is always a sign they are in pain.  

What I DO think is often a sign of pain or discomfort is when an animals can't sleep, or an animal can't get comfortable.  If an animal keeps moving, repositioning themselves again and again, that is something I would pay attention to.  That is more likely a sign they are having discomfort.

- My animal won't eat.  Is that a sign they are in pain?  It can be but it can also be a sign that they have an upset stomach.  Often times the medicine we are giving them to help them get better, or medicine we are giving them for pain can make their stomachs upset.  It doesn't always mean they are in pain.  Try giving them something to soothe their stomach, give them foods that are easy on the stomach/digestive system (think about what you want to eat when you are sick . . . rice, chicken broth, etc) but be careful not to automatically assume it is a sign they are in a great deal of pain.  

Don't forget you can also ask your animal directly.  Tell them how you'd like them to indicate a "yes" and  "no" - it could be "Look at me, if the answer is yes, look away if the answer is no"  or "take a step forward if the answer is yes, take a step back if he answer is no".  Then ask them "Are you in pain?"  "Is it more pain than you can handle?"  "Do you want me to get some medicine to make the pain go away?"  and if you do try pain medicine, you can ask "Is this medicine making your pain go away?"

If an animal is in pain, I think they show us through their eyes.  If you are unsure of how much pain they are in, look into their eyes.  It's hard to explain what exactly to 'look for' but I think you'll know when you look into their eyes.

The other thing to keep in mind is that animals, like us, aren't always in CONSTANT pain. Sometimes the pain is stronger in moments (first thing in the morning, when they first stand up, when they've been standing too long, etc) and not so bad the rest of the day.  Don't assume that the pain is constant and don't assume that it is "intolerable pain."  You can ask your animal if it's more pain than they can handle. 

I know with Lucky, sometimes she does have pain.  But I also know that the discomfort she feels from time to time isn't enough to make her want to leave.  It's one of the things that bothers me about how we deal with animals. I think we are often too quick to decide an animal should be 'put down' without truly understanding the true level of pain they really are in.  The next time you work out and wake up with stiff muscles, ask yourself if you think you should be 'put down' to 'get you out of pain'.   Keep that in mind when you are trying to decide what to do regarding your own animals pain.  

In my experience, animals are noble and strong.  They are here to play very important roles in our lives and they are willing to put up with a little discomfort if it means they can fulfill the promise they made to us when they came into our lives.  And I also believe they can tell us when the pain is too much and they are ready to go.