When Someone Is Grieving a Loss

When I stumbled upon the information below, it was the perfect summary of my thoughts and feelings on the topic of speaking to someone who has suffered a big loss. Knowing so many people who are dealing with loss/grief and being in the midst of it myself, I thought others might find it helpful as well.

The truth is that not everyone can handle another person's grief - there is no judgment there. It can be challenging for many reasons. Some people are just not comfortable with the emotions of grief. Some people want to avoid it because someone else's grief could trigger some of their own suppressed or not-fully-expressed grief. It can also be difficult to know what to say. For some it may feel like saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. Or offering a platitude is safer than trying to figure out what would be best for the person in grief. On top of that, sometimes we say things that seem like they will be helpful, and we do so with the best of intentions, yet the words end up not being as helpful as we hoped they would be. Basically, there are a whole list of reasons why it is difficult for some people to support those who are grieving a loss.

I found the information below to be a wonderful guide. My hope is that it might assist you the next time you encounter someone who has been hit with a huge loss. 

A guide for what you could say when someone you know has experienced a painful loss:

"Instead of saying, "I know what it feels like", let's say "I cannot imagine your heartbreak". 

Instead of saying, "You're strong, you'll get through this, let's say " You'll hurt, and I'll be here. 

Instead of saying, "You look like you're doing well, Let's say, "How are you holding up today?" 

Instead of saying, "Healing takes time", let's say "Healing has no timeline". 

Instead of saying, "Everything happens for a reason, let's say "This must feel so terribly senseless right now". 

And when there are no words to say at all, you don't need to try and find some. Love speaks in silences too." (Ullie Kaye Poetry)

Yes, Instead of assuming to know the depths of another's pain, let us acknowledge the unfathomable ache in their hearts with empathy. 

Instead of offering false reassurances of strength, let us stand by their side, acknowledging their hurt and offering our unwavering presence. 

Instead of glossing over the struggles with superficial observations, let us inquire about their well-being with genuine concern. 

Instead of imposing a timetable on healing, let us recognize its nonlinear nature, allowing space for its organic process. 

Instead of seeking explanations in empty platitudes, let us acknowledge the rawness of grief and the absence of sense. 

In moments of wordless despair, let love fill the void with its quiet, comforting presence. 

(btw: the post did not list the author. The first half has cited the source, but not the second half so if anyone knows who wrote it, please let me know as I would love to give them credit. 

Acknowledge your animals feelings

A few months back, a friend of mine who takes care of about 20 horses called me to ask for my help.  He told me they had acquired a new horse named Lorelia not long before and he was worried about her. They didn't know much about her history, all he knew was that she kept to herself, not interacting with any of the other horses and was very timid around people.  She spent most of her time standing out in the pasture away from everyone else, all by herself.  He asked if I could come and give her Reiki and see if I was able to figure out what was going on with her.  

The next weekend, I went out there.  My friend tried to coax Lorelia over to us with carrots but she only came within about ten feet from the fence and would not come any closer.  I decided to just talk to her for a while, from the other side of the fence.  I introduced myself, explained why I was there and told her about Reiki.  After about fifteen minutes, she finally came over to the fence, close enough for me to touch her.  I asked for her permission to touch her and give her some Reiki, then waited for her to give me a sign that it was alright with her.  

When I felt she was ready, I reached out and put my hands on her.  Immediately, I felt overwhelmed with sadness.  My heart felt so heavy as I felt all the thing she felt.  I didn't know what exactly had happened to her, but I knew how she felt . . . afraid, alone, and incredibly sad. I could feel tears welling up in me as I worked on her.  Her sadness was so deep.  I told her how sorry I was for what she had been through.  I told her she didn't deserve to be hurt or be made to feel she was unimportant.  As I continued to give her Reiki, I picked up more and more of what she was feeling and the words continued to flow out of me.  I told her that she was not dumb and that I was sorry she had been told she was.  I told her that the other horses would welcome her and it was safe for her to spend more time around them.  I told her she could trust my friend who worked there and that he would always take good care of her.  

After about an hour, the sadness I was picking up from her finally started to lift.  Her eyes looked a little brighter and she even held her head up a little higher.  I thanked her for trusting me enough to let me work with her and told her how grateful I was to have been able to spend time with her.  

As I was walking back across the ranch to find my friend, another horse on the property came over to the fence and tried to get my attention.  I stopped to visit with him and I could feel his concern.  I told him about Lorelia and explained that she could really use a friend right now.  I asked him if he could try to help her feel welcome and make sure she didn't spend all her time alone.  I am never entirely sure if my messages get through but I try to trust that they will understand what I am saying to them.

After my visit with him, I continued on my way, and when I found my friend in the barn, I filled him in on what I had picked up from Lorelia.  He said he had sensed she was sad as well but didn't know why.  I explained to him that we don't always need to know the details of what has happened, that it was my belief that what was most important was that their feelings be acknowledged and to let them know how sorry we are that something bad happened to them.  I asked him to keep me posted on how she was doing.  I wasn't sure if what I had done was enough to help her let go of all the sadness she held in her body or if she would need some more help.  

Two days later, my friend called me and was talking so excitedly, I could barely keep up with him.  He told me that Lorelia had been happier and friendlier since I had been there.  He said that she was coming right over to him when he called her and that he was really excited to see that one of the other horses had spent the last two days hanging out with her in the pasture.  I realized I had forgotten to tell him about my conversation with the other horse on my way back to find him that day.  I described the horse I had spoken with and asked if he was the horse who was hanging out with Lorelia.  He confirmed that it was.  I was surprised and yet at the same time, I wasn't.  I know animals are capable of understanding what we say to them and I also know they are incredibly compassionate. 

Since then, Lorelia has been doing wonderfully, continuing to interact more and more with the other horses and becoming more comfortable around people.  When I go up to the ranch, she always comes over to the fence to greet me and let me know that she is doing well.  

It reminds me how important it is, not just for animals but for people as well, to have our feelings acknowledged, to hear someone say "I'm sorry that happened to you."  I'm also reminded of how much it means to know you have a friend you can count on.