When Someone Is Grieving a Loss

When I stumbled upon the information below, it was the perfect summary of my thoughts and feelings on the topic of speaking to someone who has suffered a big loss. Knowing so many people who are dealing with loss/grief and being in the midst of it myself, I thought others might find it helpful as well.

The truth is that not everyone can handle another person's grief - there is no judgment there. It can be challenging for many reasons. Some people are just not comfortable with the emotions of grief. Some people want to avoid it because someone else's grief could trigger some of their own suppressed or not-fully-expressed grief. It can also be difficult to know what to say. For some it may feel like saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. Or offering a platitude is safer than trying to figure out what would be best for the person in grief. On top of that, sometimes we say things that seem like they will be helpful, and we do so with the best of intentions, yet the words end up not being as helpful as we hoped they would be. Basically, there are a whole list of reasons why it is difficult for some people to support those who are grieving a loss.

I found the information below to be a wonderful guide. My hope is that it might assist you the next time you encounter someone who has been hit with a huge loss. 

A guide for what you could say when someone you know has experienced a painful loss:

"Instead of saying, "I know what it feels like", let's say "I cannot imagine your heartbreak". 

Instead of saying, "You're strong, you'll get through this, let's say " You'll hurt, and I'll be here. 

Instead of saying, "You look like you're doing well, Let's say, "How are you holding up today?" 

Instead of saying, "Healing takes time", let's say "Healing has no timeline". 

Instead of saying, "Everything happens for a reason, let's say "This must feel so terribly senseless right now". 

And when there are no words to say at all, you don't need to try and find some. Love speaks in silences too." (Ullie Kaye Poetry)

Yes, Instead of assuming to know the depths of another's pain, let us acknowledge the unfathomable ache in their hearts with empathy. 

Instead of offering false reassurances of strength, let us stand by their side, acknowledging their hurt and offering our unwavering presence. 

Instead of glossing over the struggles with superficial observations, let us inquire about their well-being with genuine concern. 

Instead of imposing a timetable on healing, let us recognize its nonlinear nature, allowing space for its organic process. 

Instead of seeking explanations in empty platitudes, let us acknowledge the rawness of grief and the absence of sense. 

In moments of wordless despair, let love fill the void with its quiet, comforting presence. 

(btw: the post did not list the author. The first half has cited the source, but not the second half so if anyone knows who wrote it, please let me know as I would love to give them credit. 

No More Chances

For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that Lucky told me before she passed that she would come back to me in a few years.  When I asked how I would find her, I was told to look for a german shepherd named Chance.  Ever since then, that has been my "mission" - to find a german shepherd named Chance.

Last spring I found one and was over the moon when the guy who ran the rescue group decided I would be the perfect adopter . . . and then Chance's foster mom decided she wanted to keep him herself and well, I felt pretty "under the moon" after that.

Once I got over that disappointment, I got back on my quest and have spent the last 9-10 months continuing to look for Chance. I often wondered if I should give up and just get any German shepherd because I miss having one so much, but ultimately I decided to keep having faith and trust that it would all work out.

Two weeks ago, I found another German shepherd named Chance and it looked like it was all coming together.  As I prepared the house and yard for my new roommate, I was beyond excited thinking about how wonderful it was going to be to finally be with "Lucky Chance" (as my friend's call him) again. I didn't imagine it could fall through again . . . and yet, it did.  It felt like the ultimate smack down.

I have always believed that if the same thing happens to us again, it is because we didn't learn the lesson that was there for us the first time.  I have spent much of the last week pondering this, trying to open my mind and my heart to whatever lesson I may have missed.  I don't have any answers yet.

What I have decided is that it is time to abandon my "quest" - the information I received may have been very true and accurate at the time I got it, but a lot of time has passed since then and maybe things have changed.  Sometimes "staying the course" isn't the best approach . . . and in this case, I think it's time to change the course.  I know that once I grieve the loss of the dream, I will be able to open my heart to another German shepherd, by whatever name he or she comes with.  I'm not there yet, but maybe some day soon.

Riding Grief Waves Through Synchronicities

Sadly a client of mine has had an enormous amount of grief to deal with in the last five years. She lost one of her beloved dogs, then she lost her husband, then she lost another one of her beloved dogs. Her remaining dog was like her lifeline. He was the thing that kept her going, her reason for getting up in the morning. So, this summer when she lost him, her final dog, she was consumed with grief.

The emails she sent me and phone conversations we had in the weeks that followed made my heart heavy. She spoke of her deep despair and her fear that she had nothing left to live for. She worried that she would be consumed by the grief she was experiencing. She told me she was unable to stop crying, unable to eat or sleep or even get herself in the shower. 

I kept encouraging her to give it time, to just feel what she was feeling and give herself the space to honor and process all the things she was feeling. I honored her feelings and did my best to just be there for her and show her compassion so she knew she wasn't alone.

In one conversation we had, she asked me how I managed to still function without Lucky and I told her of the dream I had after Lucky died. In the dream, she told me she was going to come back to me as a german shepherd named Chance. I explained that it gave me something to look forward to, knowing my life would one day be filled with the love of a special companion again. It didn't immediately make her feel better, but it gave her something to think about.

Several weeks after that particular conversation, I got an email from her telling me of the exciting events that had been unfolding in her life. She ran into a gal she hadn't seen in years, who encouraged her to check out a rottweiler rescue site she knew about. She felt compelled to check out the website, even though she wasn't sure she was ready for another dog. When she got on the site, there was a rottweiler on the front page named Chance. She took it a sign and immediately filled out an adoption application.

The next weekend, she drove to the woman's house (the lady that had the rescue dogs) and much to her surprise, she and Chance didn't connect at all . . . but there was another dog there, a dog named Chuck and as she put it "it was love at first sight."  The rescue gal knew immediately that they were a perfect fit. Chuck couldn't take his eyes off my client as they walked around the yard in perfect harmony. She said she felt a major connection with him.

You could feel the excitement bubbling out of her email . . . the words sprang off the page as she wrote about the contentment she felt as she drove home with him in her car . . . how she knew they belonged together and how much joy she felt in her heart. She felt she had a purpose again, a reason to be happy and to wake up each morning. She sensed that Chuck was exactly what she needed in her life.

Since then, I have received many heart warming emails from her, keeping me up to date on the adventures she and Chuck have been having. It is so wonderful to see her happy again, to feel her joy. While she still feels the loss of her husband and three dogs, she is embracing this new chapter in her life and is enjoying it as it unfolds.

It has reminded me of the fact that for each of us, there is a 'right' time to get another animal after we have lost one. For some of us, we may need to wait months or years before we are 'ready' again and for others, the 'right' time is much sooner. No one can tell you what is right, you just need to follow your own heart and trust your own instincts. 

 I do believe we are guided to the 'right next step' on our paths . . . we just need to stay opened and pay attention to the synchronicities as they present themselves.