Dealing with Grief

Grieving the loss of a pet is one of the toughest things many of us go through.   It is difficult for many reasons . . . because our hearts ache . . . because our houses seem so empty . . . because many people don't understand how devastating the loss can be and they wonder why we aren't "over it" yet, etc.

I thought I'd share a few tips on this topic . . .  in the hopes that it can make the journey a little easier.

If you have lost a pet:

- First and foremost, I believe it is essential that we honor our own feelings.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling.  If you feel like crying, let yourself cry.  Stuffing the emotions you are feeling doesn't make them go away - they'll come up again and again until we've processed them all.  If you want to stay in bed all day and be sad, give yourself permission to do that.

- Don't let yourself feel guilty if you find yourself smiling about something. Many of my clients have confessed that they feel bad if they have a moment of happiness because they feel it somehow dishonors their pet.  I know our animals want us to be happy, so if life gives you something to smile about, let yourself smile.

- Know that it is a "process" . . . and it is your OWN process, which means, there are no rules about how it should go.  Give yourself permission to just go with the flow.  Know that you are going to have some OK days and some really bad days.  Know that things will trigger major sadness in moments when you aren't expecting it.  Let that be OK.  I always think of the grieving process like the tide . . . it comes in and goes out, comes in again and goes out again.

- Take your time.  If you don't want to put your animals things away, you don't have to.  No harm can come from leaving the dog or cat bed where it is, or leaving the water bowl out.  We don't have to put away all the reminders of our pet if we don't want to.  If you feel better putting it all away, then do that. Just know that it is YOUR process so you can do whatever feels most comfortable to you.

- Focus on what you need.  If you need to be alone, let yourself be alone.  If you need to stay busy to help you cope, make a list of things you would like to do and then start doing them. If you need to be around people who really understand what you are going through, seek out other pet lovers and give yourself permission to take a break from people who don't understand what you are going through.

- Trust yourself to decide when it's the right time to get another animal.  Many of my clients feel pressure from well meaning friends to go out and get another pet right away.  If that doesn't feel right to you, don't do it.  Honor your own feelings.  If you miss having an animal around, but aren't ready to adopt, there are other options.  You can foster an animal, you can go to an adoption event and just look at or play with the animals that are available for adoption.  There are plenty of options if you want to just get a "fix" . . . I have one client who asked her neighbor if she could come over and visit with his cat after she lost her own cat.  He was more than happy to allow her to do that.   . . . another client of mine offered to have a family member's dog come over and spend some time with her.

- Use your creativity.  Many of my clients have found comfort in writing about their pet, including things like favorite memories from their lives together.  Other clients have created collages of their favorite pictures.  Another client wrote a poem about her pet and shared it with friends.  Our creativity can be a wonderful outlet for what we are feeling.

and finally . . . be kind to yourself.  For many people, the loss of an animal is more painful that any other loss because in many cases, it is the first time that we were loved unconditionally so the loss feels even more devastating.  In time, it will get easier, but if we can be kind and gentle with ourselves as we navigate through the grieving process, the journey can be a little less bumpy.  The small silver lining in the grieving process is that it only hurts as much as it does because we loved our pet as intensely as we did . . . and we will be able to love that much again . . . when the time is right.