My mother

On Sunday, April 17th, I got a call from my dad, saying I needed to come to the hospital to see my mother, as her health had taken a turn for the worse.

On the drive to the hospital, I was hanging onto my optimism . . . after all, we had lived through health scares with my mom my entire life and every time, she managed to bounce back, even when the doctors didn't think it was possible, so I hoped that this time it would be no different.

The thing is, my mom had Lupus, a disease in which the body's immune system attacks its own cells. It cannot be cured, so Lupus patients go back and forth between flare ups and remissions, and during flare ups, my mom would be so fatigued, she could barely function, her joints and muscles would ache severely and when it got bad, various organs would start to shut down and she would be hospitalized.

When I was a little girl, her flare ups would scare the heck out of me and I spent a lot of my early life on edge, believing that any day, she could leave us . . . but I think over time, I began to think she was invincible because time and again, she would be gravely ill and then miraculously get better and go back to being her fun-loving self again.

When I walked into her room last Sunday, something told me that this time it was different. Tears welled up in my eyes as soon as I saw her and at first, I couldn't breath. My optimism began slipping away, as a reality I didn't want to face began to set in. This time, I feared she wasn't going to pull through and I felt so sad for her, and what was happening to her body. She kept saying she wanted her mother, and each time, I felt an ache deep in my heart. I knew it meant she knew that this time it was worse than any time before as well.

Over the years, our relationship was often strained. I think my mom and I probably spent too much time focusing on how we were different. sometimes in funny ways, like how she used to joke that she must have brought the wrong baby home from the hospital, since I didn't like to shop, or wear make up or change my hair style the way she did. Many of our disagreements and hurts over the years were centered on how we were different . . . but as I stood next to her bed, all I could think about was how much we were alike and how much I loved her.

It was a long week, as the family sat in her hospital room day and night, hoping and praying to see any sign of improvement, hoping the doctors would finally figure out how to reverse what was happening to her . . . and I found myself thinking about all the parts of me that came from my mom. It felt good to focus on who she was, and all the ways she had a positive impact on me and the person I have become.

I certainly got my love of animals from her. My mom loved all animals . . . and she loved them deeply. We always had dogs when we were growing up and she adopted stray cats as well. My dad was allergic to cats, so they weren't indoor cats, but she knitted beds for them and fed them and talked to them when she was outside tending to her garden. She supported every animal organization there was . . . even when my parents were having financial difficulty, my mom found a way to still support all her favorite animal organizations.

My love of gardening came from my mom as well . . . from her, I learned how therapeutic it could be to sit in the yard and pull weeds, and how much joy flowers could bring you, when you took the time to appreciate them.

My mom was also one of the friendliest people in the world. She could talk to anyone and had such an ease when it came to conversing with people. I know I learned to do that from her. She frequently struck up conversations with strangers, became friends with the check out clerks at Safeway and the sales people at her favorite clothing stores. Everywhere we went, people knew her and adored her.

Unfortunately, by Thursday, we were forced to accept the fact that there was nothing else the doctors could do for her. One by one, her organs were shutting down and this time, she wasn't going to be able to fight through it, the way she had so many times before. On Friday, April 22nd, my mother passed away. It was incredibly painful and yet it also felt like a huge honor to be there with her, as she left this world.

Amidst the grief, I find comfort in knowing that she is now at peace and free of pain. I smile when I think that she is now with her mother, who she had really been wanting to see, and that there was probably a long line of animal friends waiting to greet her when she arrived.