While she is only 13 years old, I forget that sometimes because we talk about topics like energy and healing and animal communication, which are conversations I don't have with most 13 year olds. She is very sensitive to energy and like me, she can often feel what people or animals are feeling. Back in the beginning of summer when I was worried that Lucky wouldn't make it to her 14th birthday, it was Katie that told me that she would . . . and I believed her . . . and she was right.
So, we were hanging out at my house on Friday and once we got through the initial "It feels really weird to be here without Lucky" stuff . . . we settled into some of our typical conversations about energy. At one point, she told me that she could feel Lucky's presence. I was excited for her and a little disappointed for myself, as I haven't been able to feel Lucky's presence since she left a month ago. It's one of the things that has made me sad, because I have wanted so badly to feel her around me. I hate to admit it, but I have laid in bed at night and cried, asking Lucky to please let me know she was there, but I have never felt anything. I remember in our last week together, when I spent hours on the floor with Lucky, feeling her breath on my forehead, I would tell her that it would be a good way to show me she was here . . . that if I felt a rush of air against my forehead, I would know it was her . . . and night after night, I would lay there, waiting to feel that, but never did. Still, I was happy to know Katie felt her presence and it was comforting to know that Lucky was there with us, even if I couldn't sense her myself.
Since her dad was out of town, I got to pick Katie up after school again on Monday. I was looking forward to spending some more time with her. As soon as we got to my house, she told me she had some important things to share with me. She had talked to a friend of hers, who also is very sensitive to energy and they compared notes over the weekend of what they experienced when they felt the energy of an animal that had crossed over. (Her friend had lost her beloved cat earlier in the year.) She explained how she and her friend both felt a ball of energy right in front of their heart and now she was even more sure that she had felt Lucky because it matched what her friend had felt when her cat came to visit her. She asked me if I had ever felt that and I told her that I hadn't, but that I promised her I would pay more attention from now on and would let her know if I felt that ball of energy in front of my heart.
On Wednesday, I had an appointment to give Reiki to a client whose dog had passed away in July. I wrote about her dog, Hanna several times this summer. She was such a special dog and I think I was almost as sad as Laurie, her mom, when it was her time to go. A week after Hanna had passed away, Laurie asked me to come up and give her a Reiki treatment to help her with the grief she was experiencing. It was such an incredible experience, I wrote about it in my blog that week.
Here's a quick recap: While I was giving Reiki to Laurie, we both felt Hanna's presence. It was the first, and only time I had ever sensed a spirit. I felt a chill run up my arms and all the hair stood up on my arms as well. I looked around to see if maybe a door was opened and it was a breeze or something else that could have caused that sensation, but I couldn't see any other explanation. In my mind, I asked Hanna if it was her and if it was, I asked her to do it again and sure enough, I got the chill up my arms again. Both Laurie and I were sure Hanna was there and it gave us both a tremendous amount of comfort.
I thought about all of that as I was driving to Laurie's house on Wednesday, but since it had been 4 months since Hanna passed, I didn't think we'd get to feel her presence again. Still, I was looking forward to seeing Laurie, even if I did feel a bit sad about the fact that it was the first time I have been to her house without Lucky in the car.
The funny thing is, a few weeks ago, I wrote about how Lucky was always in the car when I went into client's houses and when I typed that, I remembered that Laurie's house was the one exception. There was a time, back in June, when we were having a heat wave and Laurie was concerned about Lucky being in the car. I would normally never agree to bring Lucky into a client's house but that day I made an exception (in part because Hanna was having potty issues just like Lucky, so Laurie was already "set up" to handle it in case it happened). It was actually kind of fun to have Lucky in there with me while I gave Reiki to Hanna. Lucky was incredibly well behaved and mostly just observed, which alleviated the other concern I had about ever bringing her inside someone's home during an appointment . . . I was worried she would need something from me and it would distract me from focusing on my client. It all worked out perfectly though and I remember being very grateful to Laurie for allowing her to come inside that day.
The next time I went up there to give Hanna a Reiki treatment, Lucky stayed in the car because it was much cooler. I'll never forget how concerned Hanna was that Lucky didn't come in that time. She was worried that it was because Lucky didn't like her, which made Laurie and I both tear up. To see the way way Hanna relaxed when I explained that it wasn't the case at all, that Lucky was very comfortable with her and that I just wanted to be able to focus all my attention on Hanna that day, confirmed for me how much animals really do feel.
So, back to Wednesday, as soon as we started Laurie's Reiki treatment, I felt the chill run up my arms . . . it took my breath away for a minute, as I realized what the sensation meant and I knew Hanna was there again . . . then almost immediately I felt a ball of energy in front of my heart, exactly the way Katie had described it to me. I almost gasped and then quietly whispered to Laurie "They are both here." She opened her eyes and said "I was just sensing that myself."
I closed my eyes again to focus in on the sensations and I got flooded with information . . . thoughts, pictures, feelings . . . they all came flowing in so fast I almost had trouble sorting through them all. What they told me was that Lucky was feeling really frustrated that I wasn't able to feel her presence when she came to visit me and she was feeling discouraged because she knew how sad it was making me. Hanna told her that she'd be able to help and asked Lucky to trust her. Hanna brought Lucky to her mom's house and she assured Lucky that she's be able to get my attention because she had done it once before. I could feel Lucky's excitement and relief that she was finally getting through to me and I could feel how proud Hanna felt that she had orchestrated it all.
Laurie and I had to pause for a minute, while I grabbed some kleenex for us both and we talked quickly about what I was picking up. We were both so in awe of the fact that our girls came and that they were there together. With our hearts swelling with love, we resumed the Reiki treatment although we were both acutely aware of all that we were sensing about our girls for the rest of the hour.
Afterwards, we compared notes and it was amazing to me how we both sensed all the same things. It validated everything I was picking up when Laurie shared what she had been sensing. We talked for a while afterwards, comparing notes and just being in awe of what we had experienced. We both sensed that Lucky was laying on the floor a couple feet away from us, just watching us. She was laying in the exact spot she had been the only other time she had been in Laurie's house. The interesting thing is that I kept sensing that she was "holding the space" for us, which I just wrote about in my blog last weekend, so it made her presence even sweeter . . . my girl was "holding the space" for me. We both sensed that Hanna was moving around more, but that she finally settled on the back patio, a place that she always loved to be, where she could enjoy the sunshine but still see us.
I told Laurie about my conversation with Katie on Monday and she was as blown away as I was when I realized how perfectly orchestrated the whole thing had been. If Katie hadn't told me about the ball of energy she felt in front of her heart, I would have never known to pay attention to that, and if Hanna hadn't made her presence known last July, I wouldn't have known to pay attention to that, and if Laurie hadn't decided she needed a Reiki treatment, I might not have been able to put it all together and finally have the experience of feeling Lucky's presence. Laurie felt very strongly that it was Hanna's way of thanking me for all I did for her when she was still here on earth and I couldn't disagree with that.
The last couple of days, I have felt lighter than I have since Lucky passed away. To know that I finally know how to sense Lucky's presence is a gift for which I am grateful for beyond words. While I was writing to Laurie the other night, I could feel it again . . . the ball of energy in front of my heart and I knew my girl was there with me, enjoying the profound level of glee that Laurie and I were both experiencing. The last two nights, I have slept more soundly and more peacefully than I have since Lucky made her transition. I feel less alone, less empty. I have so much gratitude in my heart . . . for Katie, for Hanna, for Laurie and for my sweet girl who was trying as hard as she could to let me know she was around me.
I'll admit, living my life without Lucky has been a very difficult adjustment. I am doing my best to embrace this new life I have without her, but it hasn't been easy. I frequently get asked when I am going to get another dog and I have found that I bristle whenever I am asked the question. I know when people ask, they are not being unkind or insensitive. I know they care and they don't want me to be sad, they know I love animals and it's natural for them to assume that it would make me feel better if I had another animal companion . . . so I am not mad at them when they ask . . . I have just noticed that I have an edgy response to the question.
I've been thinking about this a lot, trying to understand my reaction and I've decided that it stems from the fact that it wasn't just about having a dog for me. In many ways, I felt like Lucky and I had a divine purpose for coming together and I don't know if I'll ever have that kind of relationship with another dog again. I have loved every dog I have ever had . . . but with Lucky it was different.
Maybe it was the intense "knowing" that I had as a child that I was supposed to have a German Shepherd and the fact that I "won" Lucky in a lottery, and the fact that I felt I knew her when I met her, that shifted the tone of our relationship to something more serious. From the first moment I brought her home, I felt a responsibility to her that exceeded the normal feelings of responsibility that someone might have when they adopt an animal. I always sensed there were aspects of our relationship that were divinely orchestrated and even though I didn't understand exactly what all we were supposed to accomplish together, I always sensed that it was part of some master plan and I didn't want to fail.
I also realized that it was that feeling that kept me from ever wanting to entertain the idea of euthanasia. I always sensed there were things about my relationship with Lucky that were tied to a higher purpose and I felt it wasn't my place to decide when our relationship ended. I sensed that only Lucky and maybe those on a higher plane were "in the know" about our purpose and only they would know when our time together was complete. I always tried to stay in the place of trust when it came to that . . . I didn't feel I had the right to intervene . . . that someone else was in charge of our journey together and I needed to just do my best to be a good guardian and a good student.
I remember telling Lucky in our last week together than I didn't know if I would ever have another dog again . . . that our relationship had been so profound, so amazing that I couldn't imagine having any other kind of relationship with a dog. I remember thinking about my childhood belief that I was supposed to have a German Shepherd so I told her that if she came back to me again, it would need to be as another German Shepherd but that I wasn't sure I would be ready for that for quite some time . . . but a voice in the back of my head reminded me that I can't see the "big picture" and who knows what the Universe has in store for me. Still, I have been pretty set on my belief that I "had my German Shepherd" and that that was probably it for me. I have been feeling content to dedicate myself to helping other people's animals live healthier, happier lives.
So, yesterday, I was out for a run when I remembered a card I had written to my mom when I was a little girl. She found it in 2002 and faxed it over to me because she was so tickled by what I had written to her. We couldn't remember how old I was when I wrote the note, but we're guessing I was 7 or 8 years old at the time. In the note I wrote:
“Dear Mom;
I hope you have a super Birthday! And many more to come! Thanks for not only being a super mother, but an understanding friend. I hope we’ll stay close, (even though when I’m older I’m having German Shepards). Have a GREAT BIRTHDAY!”
Love always, Maureen
As I was running towards my house, the word "Shepherds" came popping into my head . . . I wasn't thinking about the fact that I couldn't spell the word "shepherd" back then :-) . . . I was thinking about the fact that I was hearing it in my head as a plural . . . I had always remembered it as a singular . . . "shepherd" . . . but now I wasn't sure. When I got home, I ran to my office and dug through the drawers in my office until I found the file folder where I had the copy of the letter . . . and sure enough, it said "shepards" . . . plural . . . and I sat down in the chair and smiled to myself . . . as I realized that maybe I am going to have another Shepherd some day . . . and maybe if I'm lucky, it will be Lucky again.
For now, I am at peace because I finally "felt" Lucky and it gives me great comfort to know that I will now be able to sense her when she is around. Thanks to Katie and Hanna and Laurie, I finally have the connection that I was missing. To say I feel "Lucky" is the understatement of the year.
In the back of my head, I am still thinking about the note I wrote to my mom on her birthday all those years ago . . . it was definitely a plural . . . so maybe someday another German Shepherd will come into my life to teach me some more things I didn't realize I needed to learn. In the meantime, I am content to know that I don't know it all . . . and I humbly accept that when the time is right, another German Shepherd may come into my life. I can't stop thinking that maybe if I'm lucky, it will be Lucky again. I trust that the Universe will orchestrate it if it is to be.
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