It is with a heavy heart that I share that a very special dog client of mine went to Heaven on Friday. It was her time. Her guardian knew that, and I knew that, but it doesn't make it any easier. It is always difficult when a loved one (whether they are 2-legged or 4-legged) has to leave us and we are faced with the void . . . the empty hole that seems like it could swallow us up if we let it. I dedicate this weeks blog to Hanna, who I had the honor of working with the last 10 months. She was absolutely precious, as you can see here in this picture of her, snuggled up after a Reiki treatment. She helped me see what Reiki could do, as evidenced the time her mom called me, telling me Hanna couldn't stand up, so I rushed over there to give her a Reiki treatment. An hour later, Hanna got up and with her mom, they walked me to my car. She responded amazingly well to the Reiki and continued to show me how powerful and healing the energy can be. I will always hold a very special place in my heart for Hanna. Rest in peace, sweet girl. Your presence in this world was definitely a beautiful gift to everyone who met you.
I have been thinking about this sweet dog and her guardian a lot this week, in part because it hit close to home for me and also because I realize how difficult it is for people to know what to do or what to say when they interact with someone whose pet is about to leave this earth or whose pet has just left. In honor of Hanna and her wonderful guardian, I thought it might be helpful to share some do's and don't, in case any of you are unsure of what to do when you encounter someone and their aging animal or interact with someone who has just lost their pet.
Before I get to that, here's a quick update on Lucky. She is doing alright at the moment. Her back legs are still not working at all, so I am using the sling almost full time to help her walk, whether it is inside or outside the house. It creates a few challenges in getting around, as we always do better when we are moving in the same direction, it just doesn't always happen. Her front end is still so strong, she can yank me just about anywhere she wants to go. If she wants to go left, that's what she's going to do, regardless of what I might have had in mind. :-)
She is not telling me she is ready to go yet, so I am just doing my best to make sure she is happy and comfortable every day.
This week I decided to give her a bath, because she seems to like it when she is clean and smells good. :-) I bathed her outside on the grass, where she could lay down and enjoy the sunshine and she didn't have to worry about trying to stand up. I spent quite a bit of time toweling her off afterwards because that is actually her favorite part. Here are a couple pictures of Lucky after her bath. It felt good to spend some quality time with her where we could laugh a bit and have some fun. It is one of the things I have had a little difficulty with lately . . . making sure we are having fun . . . because most of the time, I feel pretty serious . . . coping with the stress of taking care of her, worrying about how much longer she'll be here, struggling on occasion to help her move when my own body hurts too much to participate fully, etc . . . all those things make it a little more challenging to be "light" so I was happy to have the chance to spend some stress-free time with her.
So, how do you support someone whose pet is nearing the end of their life? or whose pet has just passed? While it may not be easy, it is not impossible. In fact, it is probably easier than you think. Here are some do's and don't that might serve as a guide.
- DO listen . . . a person who has an aging pet is filled with worries and questions. Having someone who will just listen as you try to sort through all the decisions you are facing and the concerns you have can be a tremendous help. You don't have to fix anything for them or solve anything . . . just listen.
- DO be empathetic. Empathy is extremely helpful. If someone says, "I'm really worried about how I am going to cope with my pet's death," all you have to say is, "I can understand that." You don't have to give them a list of ways they can/should cope and you ought to avoid saying "Ya, I don't think you're going to be able to cope either." Just acknowledge what they are telling you. If they say, "I'm so sad" just tell them you understand why. DON'T tell them they shouldn't be sad, DON'T tell them they'll get over it. Just tell them you understand.
- DON'T make negative comments about the animal (or the guardian for that matter). It just isn't helpful. Today, I had someone mention several times that Lucky looked really skinny. At first I said, "It doesn't feel like it to me, when I am trying to lift her." but the person said it again, and again. It just wasn't helpful. I didn't want to discuss it or debate it. I didn't see how pointing out her potential weight loss was helpful to me. It's not like I'm not feeding her. Hanna's mom experienced some of that too when she and Hanna would be out for a walk. People would say "Oh, the poor thing, she look terrible." Personally, I don't think a comment like that can do any good. It only makes the guardian and the animal feel bad.
Before you make a comment about someone's aging pet, ask yourself, "Will this comment be helpful to the guardian?" and if it the answer is "no", it's best not to say it. On a similar note, comments about the guardian who is caring for the aging pet should follow the same rule.
I had someone tell me a couple weeks ago that I looked awful. Well, thank you very much. I don't doubt that I did. There are nights where Lucky and I don't get much sleep and sometimes, I am physically and emotionally worn out but being told that I look awful doesn't really help inspire me to keep plugging along. I don't expect people to lie either. I don't want to be told I look FABULOUS when I know I look like I have been put through the wringer. Again, if the comment isn't going to be helpful, it is best not to say anything, unless it is something like, "You look worn out, is there something I can do to help you?"
- DO offer to help the guardian, especially if it looks like they are struggling. Last weekend, Lucky and I were leaving the park and I was trying to get us to the car. I was holding her back end up with the sling, walking behind her, arm muscles shaking as I tried to hold her up high enough that her back toes didn't drag on the ground. Lucky seemed confused about where the car was and was veering left and veering right, and I felt like the last person in line on a game of "crack the whip." I didn't have a free hand to grab the leash to try and lead her in the direction of the car. My friend David saw us, ran over and said "Would it help if I steered?" "Yes!" I exclaimed . . and he immediately grabbed the leash that had been draped over Lucky's back and led her to the car, while I continued to focus on holding her back end up. It was a small gesture and yet to me, it felt monumental. I am amazed at how many people just stand and stare when someone is struggling with their pet. If you aren't sure what would help, ASK! All you have to say is, "How can I help?"
**Note: You'll get a better response to a question that is open-ended, i.e. not a yes/no question. If you say "Do you want help?" it's easy for the person to say "No" often because they are afraid of inconveniencing anyone, so asking an open-ended question increases the chances that you'll find out what help they need.
- DO accept that things like potty accidents happen when animals are older. DON'T make a big deal out of it. I have several clients who are dealing with this issue right now. They (and I) have developed a system to deal with it, towels, blankets and/or pee pads on the floor, a handy supply of clean towels to swap out wet ones when necessary, etc. Saying "Your dog just peed! Eww, your dog just peed!" only adds to the stress. You can simply say "How can I help?" or move out of the way so they can deal with it themselves.
My friend Matthew had me over for dinner last week. He decided we'd eat outside, so Lucky could join us, which really touched me. Lately, I don't often accept invitations to go out because I'm not comfortable leaving Lucky alone for very long. He put a blanket on the lawn so we could eat picnic style and I put Lucky on the lawn next to us. We were having a nice time, eating and talking . . . and then Lucky had an accident. He didn't get flustered or upset. He just said, "I'll move the blanket down a few feet and the hose is right here when you are ready for it." Ok, it helped that his cat threw up on the floor in the house when I first got there, so the expectation had already been set that we weren't stressing about our animals bodily functions, but it was so nice to have it be a non-issue. He moved the blanket, I cleaned up Lucky, hosed the grass down and then we continued with our meal.
- DO offer to lend a hand. People who are caring for ailing pets are no different than people who are caring for ailing people. They are tired, they are exhausted, they probably aren't sleeping very much or getting all the things done that they need to. Offer a specific, such as "I'll come over for a couple hours this afternoon so you can do what you need to do." It doesn't matter whether what they need is to take a nap, or to run an errand, or something else. What DOES matter is that you are willing to take over the care of their animal so they can have a break for a couple of hours.
This is another time where HOW you ask the question is important. If you say "Is there anything I can do?" the answer most of the time will be "No." It could be because the person doesn't want to burden anyone else or because they don't know what kind of help they need. If you say "Let me know if I can help" you're pretty much guaranteed you won't hear anything from them because when you are run down, sleep deprived and emotionally raw, it's not easy to come up with a list of things people could do to help you. It is much easier when someone just tells you what they would like to do to help you.
- DON'T tell someone they should consider putting their pet down. Assisted euthanasia is a serious decision and not one that guardians take lightly. Believe me, they are already thinking about it, already grappling with the decision, and doing their best to listen to their animal and listen to themselves. Having someone tell you what you should do is NOT helpful. You can ask them questions if you want, such as "What is your gut telling you?" or other questions that tap into their thoughts/feelings/observations.
When the time comes, know that the person is going to feel like someone ripped their heart out of their chest, regardless of how much they "knew it was time." This is another time where the best thing you can do is just LISTEN and let the person cry if that's what they need to do.
Grieving is a process and I believe that tears are a very important part of that healing process. When someone is crying, there is no need to say anything. Well, I had a boyfriend once who would just remind me to breath when I was crying really hard, and I loved him for that. My tears never made him uncomfortable and I always felt safe crying in his arms. But nothing really needs to be SAID. It's a matter of making the person feel comfortable to let it all out, whether that means you hug them tighter, or offer them kleenex, the most important thing is that they feel safe to just cry if that's what they need to do.
- DON'T offer cliches . . . they really aren't helpful. Being told "It will get easier in time" or "She's in a better place now" doesn't help you deal with the ache in your heart today. DO say how sorry you are for their loss. DO hug them. DO let them know their pain and sadness is normal. And then just listen . . . if they want to talk about their animal, share stories from the past, talk about how much they miss their pet or about their fears of getting through the next day and the next day without them, just listen and tell them you understand.
- Above all, let them know that they are not alone because for many people, a pet truly is their best friend. I have many clients who are single (me included) so when they lose their pet, they can feel VERY alone. DO tell them they can call you if they need some support or a shoulder to cry on. And then DON'T wait for them to call. If you haven't heard from them in a day or so, call them!
- If a guardian who has lost their pet tells you they want to be left alone, DON'T believe them. Even if all you do is send an email or leave a voicemail message saying "I'm thinking about you" - it will be a tremendous help. Hanna's mom experienced that this weekend. She was trying to be brave and strong so she told people she would call them if she needed anything. People took her seriously and left her alone . . . and she ended up feeling very alone. DO let the person know you are there if they need you. Knowing that people care can help you through some of the darkest times after the loss of a pet.
- DO help the person celebrate their animal's life. Ask questions about their pet . . . funniest story, best memory, craziest antic, etc. As with people, it helps us heal when we can honor the life instead of focusing only on the death. Offer to help create a scrapbook or some other momento of the pet's life, or find some other way to help the person focus on all the good memories.
- DON'T suggest the person get another pet right away. When a person is ready, they'll know it. There is nothing worse than being forced prematurely into another guardianship role, especially when you still have grieving and healing to do. Getting a new dog or new cat doesn't always make things better. It is best to leave that decision up to the person and let them work through the process on their own.
I hope these tips are helpful. It's never an easy time . . . for the person losing their pet or the people close to them who aren't sure what to do.
I try to remind people that they shouldn't be afraid of their grief. The amount of pain you feel is a representation of the depth of the love you had for your animal. If you can see it that way, all the sadness can be less overwhelming and instead it can be a beautiful reminder of the love you shared. When we love that deeply, I believe it helps us grow emotionally and spiritually. We can end up being better versions of ourselves as a result of a strong, loving bond with an animal.
Always remember that the animals that come into your life are a gift - a gift worth cherishing always - while they are here . . . and especially after they are gone.
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