Communication is a two way street

I'll start off today with an update on Lucky and the subdudes. Having my favorite band in town and getting to see them two nights in a row definitely lifted my spirits and I think it lifted Lucky's as well. The week was off to a really good start.

I was in heaven listening to the subdudes play both nights. Their music touches me in a way that is hard to put into words. Lucky also seemed to be in heaven when friends (fellow fans and band members) came to the car to visit her before and after the show and during the band's break half way through. She let everyone pet her and ooh and ahh over how good she looked and how happy she seemed. We stayed up later than we normally do and slept in later too.

For a couple of days, life seemed like a breeze. Our focus was on having fun and we were definitely having fun. Lucky had a great appetite, almost no accidents and my arms and back didn't hurt at all when I was lifting her or helping her walk. I can't say it was ALL thanks to the subdudes music but I am sure it was part of why we were both feeling so good. :-)

After a couple of fabulous days, reality started to set in again. I guess it is to be expected but it still was a bit of a disappointment. Lucky suddenly wasn't interested in eating. She was turning her nose up at the food I was preparing her, not interested in the grilled chicken I was mixing up with her kibble, so I started trying to get more creative. I mixed in wet dog food and cottage cheese, then after a couple of meals, that didn't work anymore. I got some baby food and mixed that in, sat on the floor with her and hand fed her and then after a couple of meals, that wasn't working either. My back started to hurt again and I was awake multiple times during the night trying to find a position to sleep in where I didn't feel the ache.

I started to slide into the place where I wondered how many days we had left together and could feel the sadness welling up in me. I noticed she was getting low on some of her supplements and I felt paralyzed to decide if I should order more and if so, what quantity. I found myself checking on her more often in the middle of the night to make sure she was still breathing. I began feeling that anxiety creep in again, the anxiety that comes with being in limbo and not knowing how long this state of limbo will last and if I'll be able to handle it.

Today, in an effort to find "center" again, I tried to put my focus back on living in the moment . . . enjoying what the day brings without worrying about what tomorrow will or will not bring.

I took Lucky out to the pool at my complex so we could enjoy the sunshine and fresh air. I gave her a bath, and as usual I spent more time toweling her off than actually washing her, since the toweling-off part is her favorite part. We did our best to act like we didn't have a care in the world. It helped a bit . . . we both felt more carefree than we have the last couple of days . . . that is until we came back to the house and I noticed once again that she is low on some of her supplements.

I got on line to order another bottle and found they were back ordered. Was that a sign? Will I not end up needing another bottle? or should I keep searching for another source? Then I mixed up Lucky's dinner, with as many "exciting" ingredients as I could find and she wouldn't eat it. I sat down on the floor with her and tried hand feeding it to her but the first few bites she just spit back out on the blanket we were laying on. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down, tried to find my center. I told her that if she didn't want to eat, I wasn't going to force her, that I would like it if she ate, but it was her choice. I went into the kitchen to wash the concoction I had created off my fingers and when I walked back into the room, she was eating. She ate until the bowl was licked clean.

It got me thinking about this idea that communication really is a two way street. Yes, I want Lucky to eat, for a whole host of reasons but I need to remember that her thoughts and desires matter too. Often times when people find out I can communicate with animals, they excitedly say "Tell my dog I want her to do this" "Tell my cat I want him to do that" but on occasion when I tell these folks what their animal has to say, they aren't as interested in hearing it.

Recently, at water therapy, there was a dog who came to swim for her first time. She was having a really tough time, thrashing about in the water so they asked me to explain what she needed to do. I did that and the dog understood but the dog also wanted them to give her feedback, to let her know what specifically she was doing right and what specifically she needed to do differently. When I told this to the water therapist, she initially looked at me like I was crazy. It's like it takes people aback for a moment when you tell them what the animal wants. Fortunately, that only lasted a minute or two and then she started to give the dog the specific feedback she was asking for.

I can't really blame people for being initially confused by their animal's responses because I remember my own experience about 12 years ago, when I worked with an animal communicator (This was before I had reconnected with my own ability) and I was trying to get help dealing with some of Lucky's debilitating fears. The feedback the communicator gave me was "Lucky likes the color green, she wants a green blanket on her bed and more green around the house, like green throw pillows on the couch."

I wasn't thrilled by the "communication' that was being shared with me. I had recently bought Lucky a new blue blanket for her bed (that matched the decor in our bedroom) and I had purple throw pillows on the couch. Was I really going to need to go buy new pillows and blankets? and was that going to have any impact at all on her debilitating fears? I couldn't quite wrap my mind around how having a green blanket on her bed was going to make her less inclined to throw up when she saw another dog that frightened her.

Over the years, I have learned that the wants and needs of animals are important, regardless of whether or not we understand why. I think that they have the ability to see the "big picture" in a way that we don't and that we might be better off if we just trust them and trust that they know what they are doing.

I have a client whose cat has been fighting cancer so I have been treating her weekly. Every time I came to the house, we always did the Reiki treatment in the same room. Then out of the blue one day, she wanted to receive her Reiki treatment in a different room. The next week, she wanted to be somewhere else in the house. I told this sweet cat's guardian that I thought we should trust her cat, that I believed there was a reason she wanted to receive Reiki in different places in the house, even if we didn't fully understand why. She was still incredibly receptive to the energy, so I knew it wasn't a case of her not wanting to get a Reiki treatment. I sensed she had a bigger plan, one that her mom and I were not privy to. It has gotten to be a little joke with us now, where we say "Hmm, I wonder where we'll end up tonight" when I come over to give Reiki to her cat. I don't know yet what her cat's reason is, but I do suspect it has something to do with exposing the rest of the house and the various family members to the energy.

I had another client who called me because she was really worried about the health of one of her cats. He has been sickly and lethargic and she was really concerned about him. When I arrived for our appointment, I was surprised to see that her cat was doing just fine. I didn't pick up anything from him that concerned me. He seemed healthy and happy, which surprised his guardian as well. As she and I continued to talk, she began to share with me some emotional and physical challenges she is currently facing. Then she asked if I did Reiki treatments for people and I told her I absolutely did. She decided to start getting Reiki treatments for herself and has been feeling better than she has in months. Is it possible that her cat only pretended to be sick so that she would call me up and open the door for her own healing? I can't say it is out of the realm of possibilities.

I continue to believe that animals know more than we realize, and that if we can trust them and trust that they have an insight into the bigger picture of life, we'll all be better off.

Animals helping humans

I was fortunate enough this week to witness several more of my animal clients trying to "help" their guardians and it is such a sweet reminder of what I know about animals. I have always believed that they come into our lives to help us, not the other way around, so when I get to see more evidence of this, it warms my heart. Animals come into our lives to be our guides, to help us learn and grow and become better versions of ourselves. And they often do it without much gratitude. One of my favorite parts of the work I do is to shine a light on this "truth" about animals so that not only can the guardian learn what their animal is trying to show them but also so that the animals can get the credit they deserve.

Often times an animal will act in a way they want their guardians to learn to act. I had two clients this week whose animals were being very pushy to get what they wanted. It was a behavior that was frustrating the guardians but after some conversation and exploration, I could see that in both cases, the guardian was having a difficult time asking for what THEY wanted from their family, friends or co-workers. It's as if the animal is saying "Look, this is how you do it!" I have learned that they will keep doing whatever that is until they can get their guardians attention.

When I am able to articulate what the animal is trying to show their guardian, it's as if they are saying "Yes, that's what I have been trying to show her, thank you so much for making sure she heard me!" Some animals will lean forward and press their forehead against mine to show their appreciation, some will lick my hands or face. Whatever way they express it, their gratitude is very obvious and very beautiful.

Sometimes, the animal helping a person isn't their pet, but a random animal that they encounter, often a wild animal. I had two experiences this week where people had odd encounters with animals that were not their pets. I have this wonderful book called "Animal Speak" by Ted Andrews that I turn to whenever someone has an encounter with an animal. The book explains what the meaning is when various animals "show up" in your life because they really do have a purpose when they cross our path. They are showing up to teach us something or guide us, or give us a warning.

I have one client who had an opossum sneaking into her house. At first she was very upset about it. It was rather scary to her to encounter the opossum several nights in a row and she couldn't figure out how the opossum was getting into her house. I told her about my Animal Speak book and asked her if I could email her some information from the book about what it means when an opossum appears in your life. She said that was fine, but I sensed she wasn't too excited about my idea that maybe the opossum had a purpose, other than terrorizing she and her cats. I was pleasantly surprised to see her response to the email I sent, where she said the equivalent of "Holy cow, all of that is right on the money!" Opossums are often providing a warning and everything that I had pulled from the book related 100% to a work situation she was dealing with and she took the warning/guidance to heart. Interestingly, once she 'got it' (i.e. got the message the opossum was trying to give her), the opossum stopped sneaking into her house. He hasn't shown up since the night I shared the information from the Animal Speak book.

I had another friend who in casual conversation was telling me how he and his wife kept encountering badgers when they were out walking. He said they kept catching his attention because they made their presence known but didn't do anything to frighten them. I asked him if I could read him some things about badgers from my Animal Speak book and while he said "yes" I could sense a "whatever" under the surface. Well, after reading some excerpts from the book to him, there was silence for a minute and then he said "All the hair is standing up on my arms right now." Things I had read him from the book hit home for some things he and his wife are currently dealing with. His next questions was "Where can I get a copy of that book?"

I hope you'll start paying more attention to the animals that cross your path and the behaviors of the animals you share your home with. I really believe they are trying to teach you something if you are willing to listen.

I had my own experience this week, when a squirrel sat on my fence and kept staring at me, fluffing his tail. I smiled and said "Hi" to him but he didn't budge. He kept staring at me, kept fluffing his tail. I stood up from the chair I was sitting in and normally that will cause a squirrel to high-tail it out of my yard but he sat perfectly still, continuing to look at me. I said to him "Are you trying to tell me something?" and he kept fluffing his tail. This continued for over five minutes and I wondered how long it would go on, but I didn't want to be disrespectful and just go back into the house so I continued to watch him and talk to him.

I told him that if he was trying to tell me something, I was very sorry but I wasn't picking it up. After some time, he finally started to walk along the fence but he kept turning around looking at me every few feet. I thanked him for stopping for a visit and once he was at the end of my fence, I went inside and pulled out my Animal Speak book. The line that caught my eye in the squirrel section was about how squirrels play as hard as they work and that often when a squirrel shows up, its to make us look at ourselves and whether we are not playing enough.

It hit home with me because "playing" is not something I have done much lately, with Lucky's health being what it is and the challenges that have come with caring for her. In fact, earlier that day, I had been feeling a little stressed about the fact that my most favorite band in the whole world, the subdudes, were going to be in town for two nights this week. I have never missed a show when they are in town but this time I was contemplating skipping their shows, as I was worried about leaving Lucky alone. Friends of mine who are fellow subdudes fans had been asking me "Are you going to the show?" and I kept saying "I don't know" because I wasn't sure I could go if Lucky wasn't feeling well.

After reading up on the meaning of squirrels, I decided it must be a sign that I SHOULD go, that I SHOULD have some fun to get my life back in balance. I am grateful the squirrel came along to give me a nudge, because I needed it. So, I'll be going to see the subdudes this week and I am really excited about it. If I have to get a babysitter to stay with Lucky, that's what I'll do although I think she would prefer to be in the car outside the venue because that's what we usually do. All the guys in the band know her and I think they would be disappointed if she wasn't there, since she's been going to the shows with me for years. I know Lucky wants me to have fun as well because if she's learned anything in the last 14 years, it's that the subdudes' music makes me very happy.

So, speaking of Lucky, she's doing pretty well at the moment. The week had it's challenges, as I discovered she has a yeast infection on her inner thighs and tummy and I have been trying to find holistic methods to help her heal. (I'm seeing some positive results already so I think we may be on the right track). And we had one particularly rough night where she was panting and seemed to be in distress and I was worried she was going to pass but after an hour or so of Reiki, she was able to fall back asleep and seemed much better in the morning. But all in all, I'd say she's still happy and still wants to be here. This is a picture of her at the park this week (still wearing her birthday scarf because we like to stretch our birthday celebrations out as long as possible.) She was watching the kids play on the playground and was obviously very happy to be there. I am trying to make sure we do things that bring her joy. It is important to me to keep honoring her so that I know if she passed that day, that it was a good day, a day filled with love and joy.

This is a picture I took of Lucky this week, using her new stuffed frog (a birthday gift) as a pillow. She hasn't used a stuffed toy as a pillow since she was a puppy and it warmed my heart to see her do it again after so many years and of course, seeing her sleeping so contently filled my heart with joy. She hasn't tried to rip its eyes or nose off, which is usually the first thing she does with a new stuffed toy. Instead, she seems content to just hang out with it. Maybe she wants him to be in good enough condition that I'll enjoy hanging out with him after she's gone. At any rate, I am blessed to have had another week with my precious girl.

If any of you reading this are interested in experiencing the magic of the subdudes' music, they'll be at Moe's Alley in Santa Cruz on Tuesday and Wednesday night this week. I promise you will not be disappointed. Their music has a way of lifting you up and filling your heart and soul. You won't be able to stand still and you may even feel 10 feet tall after the show. Now if that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is!

And remember, keep an eye out for animals that cross your path - they could be trying to show you something.

Happy Birthday Lucky

Today is Lucky's 14th birthday. Thirteen months ago when we first discovered she had cancer, I didn't think she would live to see her 14th birthday. In the last couple months, I was even more unsure that she would make it to see this day. So, I am incredibly grateful that she made it to her 14th birthday. I'm pretty sure she enjoyed her birthday. We weren't able to do some of the things we have done in the past on her birthday, like going to the beach or to our favorite restaurant, Bill's, for a special breakfast, but we did our best to make it a special day. Lucky got to have watermelon for her lunch, one of her most favorite foods and then we went to the park.

We were fortunate enough that one of our favorite families, who we met at the park a few years ago, came to help Lucky celebrate her special day. Lucky opened her gift (a stuffed frog with a squeeker inside) and Siena, who is almost 3 brought some treats for Lucky to eat, since she didn't have a cake. Siena wanted to know what kind of birthday games we were going to play with Lucky. Her parents and I were at a loss, until her dad decided we could throw Lucky's new toy around like a hot-potatoe and that seemed to please Siena.

Lucky actually got to start celebrating her birthday yesterday when she accompanied me to a party. Sixteen years ago, my department got laid off from Apple. Our group was very close but we haven't seen each other much in the last 16 years, as our lives have taken us in different directions. We decided it was time for a reunion. Dan, who hosted the party, was kind enough to extend the invitation to Lucky as well and she happily hung out in the backyard with us while we all got caught up on each other's lives. She also enjoyed some chicken when it came off the grill, so she thought the evening was a smashing success. I was happy to have a chance to do something social, that included Lucky. As I mentioned before, I have been hesitant to accept invitations to go out lately, as it is difficult for me to leave Lucky alone. Being able to bring her along made the evening even sweeter for me.

She was so tired when we got home last night that she actually snored. It's not something I have heard her do before, so for the first 1/2 hour after we went to bed, I kept leaning over the bed to check on her and make sure she was alright. When I was finally convinced that she was indeed just snoring, I was finally able to fall asleep.

I don't know how much time we have left together. I know it's not long and that thought still makes my heart ache but I am continuing to try to just see each day as a gift and make the most of it. I can't even imagine what my life is going to be like without her. For the last 13.5 years, we have been inseparable. I take her with me almost everywhere I go and the thought of going somewhere without her in the car with me is something I can't quite wrap my mind around yet.

I had an interesting experience this week though, that confirmed my belief that animals (and people too) really do come and visit us from the spirit world. Last week, I wrote about a very special client of mine, Hanna, who passed on. This week, her mom decided she wanted a Reiki treatment to help her work through her grief. Before we got started, she and I both said we had wondered if Hanna would come and visit while I was there giving her mom a Reiki treatment.

About 5 minutes into the treatment, I sensed that Hanna was there. I opened my eyes and looked around the room but didn't see anything. Actually, that didn't surprise me because I don't "see" spirits but I kept sensing her presence, so in my mind I asked her if she would give me a sign that she was there. Just then, I felt a chill and all the hair stood up on my arms. I wasn't ready to believe it though, and came up with a few other explanations for why I might have gotten a chill, i.e. the sliding glass door was opened a bit and maybe it might have been wind blowing through the opened door. About 5 minutes later, I asked again if she would give me a sign and immediately, I got the chill again and the hair stood up on my arms. It made me tear up.

After the Reiki treatment was over, I asked Hanna's mom if she felt Hanna's presence and she said that she did. She also confessed that she second-guessed that feeling, wondering if she just WANTED to feel Hanna's presence and therefore, imagined it.

A few minutes later, a friend of hers, who has a 7 month old puppy named Mocha, came over to get some help from me on some "communication" issues that she and her puppy are having. We were in the middle of discussing some of their current challenges when all of the sudden, Mocha looked past me, then barked excitedly a few times and started to play bow. The three of us 2-legged folks all looked at each other, confused as to what was going on. I wasn't sure if Mocha was reacting to me, so I moved over to the left and again, Mocha barked and did a couple of play bows in the direction of where I HAD been sitting. We were stunned silent for a minute and then everyone broke out in big smiles. We were now SURE that Hanna was there.

It was such a heartwarming experience. I was so happy for Hanna's mom, that she got confirmation that her sweet girl was coming to visit her, even though she couldn't see her. I know it gave her a tremendous amount of comfort. And it helped me too, to see evidence that animals really do come back and visit their guardians. It makes it a little easier for me to think that when I am driving around in the car after Lucky has passed, that maybe she WILL still be in the car with me and maybe I won't feel so lonely.

If you have had an animal pass and you are wondering if they are coming to visit you, ask them to give you a sign. It might not be something you can "see" as I'm not sure animals can move something on the table or pull a toy out of the toy box, but maybe if you open your mind to other ways they might be able to show you they are there, you might be surprised by what you hear, smell, or feel.

How do you support the animal's guardian?

It is with a heavy heart that I share that a very special dog client of mine went to Heaven on Friday. It was her time.  Her guardian knew that, and I knew that, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It is always difficult when a loved one (whether they are 2-legged or 4-legged) has to leave us and we are faced with the void . . . the empty hole that seems like it could swallow us up if we let it. 

I dedicate this weeks blog to Hanna, who I had the honor of working with the last 10 months.  She was absolutely precious, as you can see here in this picture of her, snuggled up after a Reiki treatment.  She helped me see what Reiki could do, as evidenced the time her mom called me, telling me Hanna couldn't stand up, so I rushed over there to give her a Reiki treatment.  An hour later, Hanna got up and with her mom, they walked me to my car.  She responded amazingly well to the Reiki and continued to show me how powerful and healing the energy can be. I will always hold a very special place in my heart for Hanna.  Rest in peace, sweet girl.  Your presence in this world was definitely a beautiful gift to everyone who met you. 

I have been thinking about this sweet dog and her guardian a lot this week, in part because it hit close to home for me and also because I realize how difficult it is for people to know what to do or what to say when they interact with someone whose pet is about to leave this earth or whose pet has just left.  In honor of Hanna and her wonderful guardian, I thought it might be helpful to share some do's and don't, in case any of you are unsure of what to do when you encounter someone and their aging animal or interact with someone who has just lost their pet.

Before I get to that, here's a quick update on Lucky.  She is doing alright at the moment.  Her back legs are still not working at all, so I am using the sling almost full time to help her walk, whether it is inside or outside the house.  It creates a few challenges in getting around, as we always do better when we are moving in the same direction, it just doesn't always happen.  Her front end is still so strong, she can yank me just about anywhere she wants to go.  If she wants to go left, that's what she's going to do, regardless of what I might have had in mind.   :-)

She is not telling me she is ready to go yet, so I am just doing my best to make sure she is happy and comfortable every day.  

This week I decided to give her a bath, because she seems to like it when she is clean and smells good.  :-)  I bathed her outside on the grass, where she could lay down and enjoy the sunshine and she didn't have to worry about trying to stand up.  I spent quite a bit of time toweling her off afterwards because that is actually her favorite part. Here are a couple pictures of Lucky after her bath. It felt good to spend some quality time with her where we could laugh a bit and have some fun.  It is one of the things I have had a little difficulty with lately . . . making sure we are having fun . . . because most of the time, I feel pretty serious . . . coping with the stress of taking care of her, worrying about how much longer she'll be here, struggling on occasion to help her move when my own body hurts too much to participate fully, etc . . . all those things make it a little more challenging to be "light" so I was happy to have the chance to spend some stress-free time with her. 

So, how do you support someone whose pet is nearing the end of their life?  or whose pet has just passed? While it may not be easy, it is not impossible.  In fact, it is probably easier than you think.  Here are some do's and don't that might serve as a guide.  

- DO listen . . . a person who has an aging pet is filled with worries and questions.  Having someone who will just listen as you try to sort through all the decisions you are facing and the concerns you have can be a tremendous help.  You don't have to fix anything for them or solve anything . . . just listen.  

- DO be empathetic.  Empathy is extremely helpful.  If someone says, "I'm really worried about how I am going to cope with my pet's death," all you have to say is, "I can understand that." You don't have to give them a list of ways they can/should cope and you ought to avoid saying "Ya, I don't think you're going to be able to cope either."  Just acknowledge what they are telling you. If they say, "I'm so sad" just tell them you understand why.  DON'T tell them they shouldn't be sad, DON'T tell them they'll get over it.  Just tell them you understand.

- DON'T make negative comments about the animal (or the guardian for that matter).  It just isn't helpful.  Today, I had someone mention several times that Lucky looked really skinny.  At first I said, "It doesn't feel like it to me, when I am trying to lift her." but the person said it again, and again.  It just wasn't helpful.  I didn't want to discuss it or debate it.  I didn't see how pointing out her potential weight loss was helpful to me.  It's not like I'm not feeding her. Hanna's mom experienced some of that too when she and Hanna would be out for a walk. People would say "Oh, the poor thing, she look terrible."  Personally, I don't think a comment like that can do any good.  It only makes the guardian and the animal feel bad. 

Before you make a comment about someone's aging pet, ask yourself, "Will this comment be helpful to the guardian?" and if it the answer is "no", it's best not to say it.  On a similar note, comments about the guardian who is caring for the aging pet should follow the same rule. 

I had someone tell me a couple weeks ago that I looked awful.  Well, thank you very much.  I don't doubt that I did. There are nights where Lucky and I don't get much sleep and sometimes, I am physically and emotionally worn out but being told that I look awful doesn't really help inspire me to keep plugging along.  I don't expect people to lie either.  I don't want to be told I look FABULOUS when I know I look like I have been put through the wringer.  Again, if the comment isn't going to be helpful, it is best not to say anything, unless it is something like, "You look worn out, is there something I can do to help you?"

- DO offer to help the guardian, especially if it looks like they are struggling.  Last weekend, Lucky and I were leaving the park and I was trying to get us to the car.  I was holding her back end up with the sling, walking behind her, arm muscles shaking as I tried to hold her up high enough that her back toes didn't drag on the ground.  Lucky seemed confused about where the car was and was veering left and veering right, and I felt like the last person in line on a game of "crack the whip."  I didn't have a free hand to grab the leash to try and lead her in the direction of the car.  My friend David saw us, ran over and said "Would it help if I steered?"  "Yes!" I exclaimed . .  and he immediately grabbed the leash that had been draped over Lucky's back and led her to the car, while I continued to focus on holding her back end up. It was a small gesture and yet to me, it felt monumental.   I am amazed at how many people just stand and stare when someone is struggling with their pet.  If you aren't sure what would help, ASK!  All you have to say is, "How can I help?" 

**Note: You'll get a better response to a question that is open-ended, i.e. not a yes/no question. If you say "Do you want help?" it's easy for the person to say "No" often because they are afraid of inconveniencing anyone, so asking an open-ended question increases the chances that you'll find out what help they need.

- DO accept that things like potty accidents happen when animals are older.  DON'T make a big deal out of it.  I have several clients who are dealing with this issue right now.  They (and I) have developed a system to deal with it, towels, blankets and/or pee pads on the floor, a handy supply of clean towels to swap out wet ones when necessary, etc.  Saying "Your dog just peed! Eww, your dog just peed!" only adds to the stress.  You can simply say "How can I help?" or move out of the way so they can deal with it themselves.  

My friend Matthew had me over for dinner last week.  He decided we'd eat outside, so Lucky could join us, which really touched me.  Lately, I don't often accept invitations to go out because I'm not comfortable leaving Lucky alone for very long.  He put a blanket on the lawn so we could eat picnic style and I put Lucky on the lawn next to us.  We were having a nice time, eating and talking . . . and then Lucky had an accident.  He didn't get flustered or upset.  He just said, "I'll move the blanket down a few feet and the hose is right here when you are ready for it."  Ok, it helped that his cat threw up on the floor in the house when I first got there, so the expectation had already been set that we weren't stressing about our animals bodily functions, but it was so nice to have it be a non-issue.  He moved the blanket, I cleaned up Lucky, hosed the grass down and then we continued with our meal. 

- DO offer to lend a hand.  People who are caring for ailing pets are no different than people who are caring for ailing people.  They are tired, they are exhausted, they probably aren't sleeping very much or getting all the things done that they need to.  Offer a specific, such as "I'll come over for a couple hours this afternoon so you can do what you need to do." It doesn't matter whether what they need is to take a nap, or to run an errand, or something else.  What DOES matter is that you are willing to take over the care of their animal so they can have a break for a couple of hours.  

This is another time where HOW you ask the question is important.  If you say "Is there anything I can do?" the answer most of the time will be "No." It could be because the person doesn't want to burden anyone else or because they don't know what kind of help they need.  If you say "Let me know if I can help" you're pretty much guaranteed you won't hear anything from them because when you are run down, sleep deprived and emotionally raw, it's not easy to come up with a list of things people could do to help you.  It is much easier when someone just tells you what they would like to do to help you.  

- DON'T tell someone they should consider putting their pet down.  Assisted euthanasia is a serious decision and not one that guardians take lightly.  Believe me, they are already thinking about it, already grappling with the decision, and doing their best to listen to their animal and listen to themselves.  Having someone tell you what you should do is NOT helpful.  You can ask them questions if you want, such as "What is your gut telling you?" or other questions that tap into their thoughts/feelings/observations.  

When the time comes, know that the person is going to feel like someone ripped their heart out of their chest, regardless of how much they "knew it was time."  This is another time where the best thing you can do is just LISTEN and let the person cry if that's what they need to do.

Grieving is a process and I believe that tears are a very important part of that healing process. When someone is crying, there is no need to say anything.  Well, I had a boyfriend once who would just remind me to breath when I was crying really hard, and I loved him for that.  My tears never made him uncomfortable and I always felt safe crying in his arms.  But nothing really needs to be SAID.  It's a matter of making the person feel comfortable to let it all out, whether that means you hug them tighter, or offer them kleenex, the most important thing is that they feel safe to just cry if that's what they need to do.

- DON'T offer cliches . . . they really aren't helpful.  Being told "It will get easier in time" or "She's in a better place now" doesn't help you deal with the ache in your heart today.  DO say how sorry you are for their loss.  DO hug them.  DO let them know their pain and sadness is normal.  And then just listen . . . if they want to talk about their animal, share stories from the past, talk about how much they miss their pet or about their fears of getting through the next day and the next day without them, just listen and tell them you understand.

- Above all, let them know that they are not alone because for many people, a pet truly is their best friend.  I have many clients who are single (me included) so when they lose their pet, they can feel VERY alone.  DO tell them they can call you if they need some support or a shoulder to cry on.  And then DON'T wait for them to call.  If you haven't heard from them in a day or so, call them!  

- If a guardian who has lost their pet tells you they want to be left alone, DON'T believe them. Even if all you do is send an email or leave a voicemail message saying "I'm thinking about you" - it will be a tremendous help.  Hanna's mom experienced that this weekend.  She was trying to be brave and strong so she told people she would call them if she needed anything.  People took her seriously and left her alone . . . and she ended up feeling very alone.  DO let the person know you are there if they need you.  Knowing that people care can help you through some of the darkest times after the loss of a pet. 

- DO help the person celebrate their animal's life.  Ask questions about their pet . . . funniest story, best memory, craziest antic, etc.  As with people, it helps us heal when we can honor the life instead of focusing only on the death.  Offer to help create a scrapbook or some other momento of the pet's life, or find some other way to help the person focus on all the good memories.  

- DON'T suggest the person get another pet right away.  When a person is ready, they'll know it. There is nothing worse than being forced prematurely into another guardianship role, especially when you still have grieving and healing to do.  Getting a new dog or new cat doesn't always make things better.  It is best to leave that decision up to the person and let them work through the process on their own.  

I hope these tips are helpful.  It's never an easy time . . . for the person losing their pet or the people close to them who aren't sure what to do.  

I try to remind people that they shouldn't be afraid of their grief.  The amount of pain you feel is a representation of the depth of the love you had for your animal.  If you can see it that way, all the sadness can be less overwhelming and instead it can be a beautiful reminder of the love you shared. When we love that deeply, I believe it helps us grow emotionally and spiritually. We can end up being better versions of ourselves as a result of a strong, loving bond with an animal.  

Always remember that the animals that come into your life are a gift - a gift worth cherishing always - while they are here . . . and especially after they are gone.