Did We Misread The Signs?

Over the years, I have observed that most people think that they communicate far better than they actually do.  :-)  

Let's admit it, clear communication is not always easy. Between our style differences and myriad of delivery options (i.e. text, email, phone or face to face) things can get muddy pretty quickly. 

On top of that, when we notice how often we make assumptions and/or how often our assumptions are incorrect, it adds another layer of complexity to something that could be pretty straightforward.  

One of my greatest learnings is that if we can continue to come from a place of curiosity, to ask questions before making assumptions (or to confirm or deny our assumptions) our chances of communication mishaps diminishes greatly. Add in some genuine compassion and the quality of our communication can get even better.

An example of this occurred over two decades ago. It has stuck with me for all these years because it made such an impression on me and has always served as a great reminder of how important it is to check our assumptions before we attach ourselves to them and how big of a role compassion can play in good communication. 

I was facilitating a 3 day off-site meeting for a team of managers that I had been working with for a few years. Several times a year, the Senior Manager of the group and I would get together and discuss challenges he was noticing in his organization. I would come up with a proposed agenda for an offsite meeting, with input from 1:1's with his team. Then together, he and I would refine the agenda to make sure it met his needs and objectives. Over the years, we worked together incredibly well and I really enjoyed working with he and his team. 

At this particular off-site, the team was unusually quiet. It dawned on me that the one person on the team who was always super engaged in these off-sites was not engaged at all. While he wasn't an official lead, he was a leader none-the-less. He was usually the first person to chime in with answers, thoughts and questions . . . and the more he participated, the more the other team members participated. Truth be told, he was my favorite person on the team, partly because he was such a nice person and also because I could always count on him to bring energy and enthusiasm to these team meetings. It was evident that he was genuinely interested in improving how their organization functioned.

During the first half of the day, he had been extremely quiet, not engaging at all and quite literally "checked out." I assumed maybe the agenda was not meeting his needs (and I had been doing some mental gymnastics over how I could have been so off-base with what we designed) or maybe he was tired of these off-sites or bored with me being the one to facilitate them. At the start of the lunch break, the Senior Manager expressed his concern to me, sharing that he also was worried about how disengaged everyone seemed to be. I told him I would do a little digging/exploring during the lunch break and see if I could figure out how we could get things back on track. I was able to check in with a few folks to ask how they were finding the session so far and they all said it was "fine" - which isn't always the response you want - LOL - but that was what they said.

I eventually found my favorite team member - who rather than eating with the rest of the team was walking around the parking lot by himself. In my head, I was trying out various conversation starters. "I've noticed you are really checked out today" felt too confrontational even though it was the truth. "What's going on with you?" also felt a little edgy. "Do you not want to be here today?' even said with kindness didn't feel right either. By the time I made it across the parking lot and was standing in front of him, out popped "Are you ok?" and then I was quiet. He said, "Ya, I am fine." but I knew it wasn't the truth. After a moment of silence I said, "Is there anything I can do?" and then added "Are we off the mark for what the team really needs from this session?"

I heard him take a big in-breath and then he exhaled loudly, like he was composing himself for what he was about to say. For a moment, I thought he was going to tell me to mind my own business or that he thought the off-site agenda was terrible so I braced myself for that . . . but then he began speaking and I was shocked by what he said. 

After gesturing his suggestion that we sit down, he told me that when he got home from work the previous night, he discovered his girlfriend had moved out. All of her things were gone, no note of explanation and no clue what had caused her to leave. He said he had tried calling her but she didn't / wouldn't answer. After a long sleepless night, he still couldn't shut his brain off, as he tried to figure out what he had done that made her so unhappy or what he had missed. Had she been trying to tell him something that he hadn't heard or understood? It quickly became apparent that he was doing everything he could to NOT cry in front of me. 

It was then my turn for a big in-breath and what I heard myself say next was a mixture of compassion, understanding and space. (In that moment, I didn't realize it was going to be so powerful and/or that it would become the way I responded most often from then on). 

Starting with telling him how sorry I was that this had happened, he attempted to wave me off, saying something like "it's not that big of a deal." I continued by saying "I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you when you got home last night - the shock and confusion." His guard came down a bit and he admitted it threw him off so much he was having trouble breathing at first. I quietly said "I am so sorry you are going through all of this." and then added "I can't believe you managed to come here today, I think I might have still been under the covers having a big cry if this had happened to me." 

That was it. Nothing fancy, just a compassionate response that matched his level of vulnerability. We sat in silence for a few more moments and then I said, "Will you let me know if there is anything I can do?" 

His response surprised me - it was as if compassion and understanding was what he needed - some "permission " of sorts to feel what he was feeling. 

He said he knew he hadn't been engaged all day and that he was sorry for that. He also added that he saw how quiet the team had been and he wasn't sure why because he knew the agenda was focused on what the team needed most. He promised to do his best to participate more the rest of the day. Assuring him that it was OK if he didn't, I reminded him that taking care of his own needs ought to be his priority while he processed his way through the shock of what had occurred the night before. 

Glancing down at my watch, I knew I needed to get myself back in the conference room and get the session restarted, so I let him know that and reminded him that he was under no pressure, that it was OK to take his time and that I would see him in the room if and when he was ready to return. As I was walking away, he said "You won't tell anyone what I just told you will you?" and I said "Of course not." Then I added "Thank you for trusting me enough to share it with me."

I offer up this example as something to consider - something to ponder. I am not saying my approach is the "right" one or a perfect one. (or that I manage to do this every time I am about to fall into the "assumption hole.") Certainly depending on the circumstances, a different approach may be needed. It is merely being shared as a way to demonstrate what kind of outcome we can get from a curious and compassionate approach. It can also help demonstrate how easy it is to fall into an assumption and how finding the appropriate question to ask is a very important step in the equation.  

The next time you catch yourself on the verge of making an assumption (or realize you just made one) maybe you can stop and ponder this:

- Am I sure this true? Or it is an assumption I am making? 

- Do I have enough information to proceed?

- Is there anything that needs to be clarified?

- Am I taking this personally when it isn't about me?

- How can I ask a question without putting this person on the defensive?

- How can I demonstrate compassion? 

And as a final point, I have found that often our best interactions aren't from where we fixed an issue or gave the person the answer. It tends to be from when we listen more than we talk and where we give the other person the room to decide what they want to share and what they want to do next. 

It never ceased to amaze me how showing someone a little compassion can open the door for them to see their right next step. I personally don't believe our role is to "fix" people or give them the answers but rather to hold space for them while they find their own way.

 

 

Focusing On What We CAN Control

I originally wrote part of this back in 2019. Since it still feels relevant, I am adding to it and sharing it again.

It's probably no surprise that I hold the belief that we should treat all living things with kindness and respect. I guess it kind of goes hand in hand with being an animal communicator and an empath. Yet I am still delighted when I receive a sweet little piece of confirmation that my approach is appreciated.

A few years ago, I was sitting at the kitchen table, working on the computer when I heard what sounded like yelling outside the house. My German shepherd, Kino, heard it at the same time as me and began to bark. With his barking drowning out the commotion, I couldn't distinguish what the sounds were exactly so I got up to look out the kitchen window.

Much to my disappointment I saw three kids bothering a crow that was on my front lawn.  They were flapping their arms and lunging towards him aggressively, while yelling "Caw Caw."  I ran out the front door. The kids ran away and the crow flew up over my house. I felt so bad for the crow. I don't ever like to see anyone (human or animal) be teased or frightened and I knew I had to say something . . . and in that moment, I knew it needed to be the crow.

I got to the edge of the walkway where the driveway begins but I couldn't see him anywhere. I had no idea if he was still around but I hoped that he would be able to hear me and began speaking to him. I told him that I was very sorry he had been treated that way and I hoped he knew he was always welcome in my yard.

I questioned for a moment whether I was crazy or not, trying to talk to a crow that may be long gone but then I heard a sound above my head. When I looked at the top of the garage there he was, walking to the edge of the roof line so I could see him. He stared at me with what appeared to be a complete recognition of what I had just said. 

Telling him again that I was sorry about what happened, I reminded him that I appreciated his presence and hoped that he was ok. After a few more seconds of eye contact, he turned around and flew off the roof of the garage. 

Satisfied with the outcome, I went back inside the house and explained to Kino what had occurred. It made me realize how well the situation illustrated the very thing that many people have been grappling with lately - which is around the importance of focusing on what we CAN control.  

I'm not going to lie - I DID have the thought that I'd like to run outside and yell at the kids for being unkind to the crow but I knew doing that would just create more negative energy and likely not change the kids behavior.  

What I DID have control over was speaking to the crow and showing him respect so that is what I decided to do. Coming from my heart in that conversation, the energy I put out was more positive and loving, which is an energy I would prefer to be in and around. 

We all get to choose, in each moment, how we are going to react and respond to things. Are we going to complain about what other people are doing or what we think they should be doing differently? Or are we going to look at what is within OUR control at that moment. I'm certainly not perfect in my responses all the time but I do know that each time I respond from a place of love instead of judgement, I feel a whole lot better. Each time I am able to focus on where my words might actually make a difference I feel more empowered.

Update: Two years ago, I lost my beloved Kino. The following day two crows showed up in my yard. Day after day, week after week, these two crows came every single day. They were there at sun up and stayed throughout the day so I began feeding them and putting out fresh water for them. 

One day, with a heavy heart I finally pushed myself to buy a watermelon. I absolutely love watermelon but it was something I hadn't been able to eat since Kino had passed because he also loved watermelon so much and the thought of dicing one up without him there under the cutting board was more than I felt my heart could handle.

That day I managed to cut up a watermelon. In honor of my sweet boy, I decided to bring some of it out back to share with the crows. They were thrilled that I shared some with them, so it was something I began doing weekly. I never got tired of seeing their excitement when I walked out with a dish of the juicy red fruit for them. Seeing their excitement over this "treat" helped me tap into joy again (and I was able to resume my addiction to watermelon.)  :-) 

I am sure it is no surprise that my love and respect for crows deepened even more in the months after Kino passed away. They were my anchor and I have no doubt that Kino sent them because he knew if any bird was already in my heart, it was the crows.

Each time I see a crow, no matter where I am, it reminds me to pause and make sure I am focusing on the things that I CAN control . . . my responses and reactions to things, my own life and my own path. They serve as a reminder to me to look at myself and what I can do - rather than looking at what others are doing (or not doing) and put any of my energy or attention there. 

Here are some questions for you to ponder if you'd like to: Where are you putting your attention? Where is your energy going? Are you focusing on things you can control? Or are you focusing on things outside of your control? Often times, observing that and making some shifts and adjustments on where we are putting our energy and attention can make a big positive difference in how we feel, how things unfold in our own lives. Would you be willing to give it a try?

Empathy, Kindness and Love Towards Animals

For quite a while now I have been following Plumes, whose real name is Loris Assadian. He is a Frenchman who plays his guitar and sings to wild animals that are in sanctuaries and wildlife preserves, etc. I have seen him sing to lions, tigers, bears, monkeys, elephants, rhinos, emus, camels, horses, donkeys, giraffes, alligators, etc.  He has fast become one of my favorite human beings on this planet. His heart is so beautiful. 

I am not sure what touches me more . . . the kindness, compassion and respect that he exudes as he sings to them or the heart-melting reactions you see from the animals. By the way they respond to the music - clearly there is something very special, very healing in what he is doing.

You can find these videos (most are short - just a few minutes long and there are also compilations that are longer, 10-20 minutes long) on Youtube, Facebook, Instagram and maybe even other social media platforms. 

I share all this - not just to encourage you to find his videos so that you can feel more joy in your heart - but also to give some context to the rest of this blog . . . Plumes (Loris Assadian) has just written his first book (in both English and French) and you can pre-order one now. 

Here is information that he just posted yesterday. I want to support him because he is someone who doesn't just talk about concepts like empathy, kindness, love and compassion - he embodies them in who he is and models them in how he interacts with animals. 

His message is one that resonates deeply with my heart so I am sharing about him in the hopes that his book will be able to reach an even wider audience.

About the book - in his words:

I’m so excited to share that my very first book, "Plumes and Rugimodor’s Hill", is coming out! 

Writing this story has been incredibly important to me because I wanted to create a tale that celebrates empathy, kindness, and love towards animals. 

Through this adventure, I hope to inspire readers of all ages to see the world through a more compassionate lens.

The book will be available in both English and French, so even more readers can enjoy the journey!

To make this dream a reality, I need 300 pre-orders for the book to see the light of day. 

If this story speaks to you, please consider pre-ordering your copy and helping bring Plumes and Rugimodor’s Hill into the world.

Pre-order yours today using this link

https://www.dashbook.fr/book/plumes-and-rugimodor-s-hill

And he also shares more about the book here:

The Book's Genesis - in his words:

For several years now, I’ve had the privilege of meeting all kinds of animals. 

Through my songs, I try to create moments of gentleness and to remind 

people that behind every animal lies an emotion, a personality that we do 

not always take the time to understand.

Plumes and Rugimodor's hill was born from that very idea.

Through the story of Rugimodor, a bull whom an entire village believes 

to be dangerous, I wanted to tell an adventure that speaks of empathy, 

listening, and compassion.

This book is also a declaration of love for animals. It invites young readers 

to look beyond appearances and to wonder what the beings around them are 

feeling, whether they have two legs or four.

What readers will find unique about this story is the central role of music. 

The hero does not fight with a sword : he uses a song. Music becomes a 

universal language capable of building bridges where words fail.

I hope this story will make children laugh, dream, and reflect, but above all, 

that it will leave a small seed in their hearts: the desire to always try to 

understand before judging, and to listen before fighting.

Because sometimes, behind the roar of a monster, there is simply a 

father’s love.

Gestures of Kindness and Compassion

I saw this short story today in a group called "Small Great Things" and couldn't stop my eyes from welling with tears. It is such a beautiful example of how every act of kindness makes a difference. It also shows us how one person's loving gesture can have such a tremendously positive impact and generate even more loving acts of generosity.

Furthermore, it also illustrates the possibility that people may WANT to make a difference but they often aren't sure how or they may feel their idea is "too small" to have an impact. It is my belief that no gesture of kindness is ever too small and taking action often inspires others to do something to support humanity as well.

IMHO - These are the kinds of things we need now more than ever. My questions for anyone reading this are: Can we look out for each other, provide help and support in whatever way we can? Is there something you could do today? This week? 

And can we do these things - not because we want to impress people or show them how great we are - but because our hearts know that this is something our world truly needs - especially right now. 

Here is the story: 

They call it “lunch shaming.” I call it cruelty. For 38 years, I watched it happen from my history classroom. Then, one Tuesday, I decided to become a quiet criminal.

My name is Arthur Harrison. For nearly four decades, my world has been cinder block walls, the smell of old books, and the drone of the 2:15 PM bell. I teach American History. I’ve lectured on the Great Depression, on bread lines and poverty, trying to make the black-and-white photos feel real to kids who live in a world of vibrant color and constant noise.

But the most brutal history lesson wasn’t in my textbook. It was in the cafeteria.

It was a Tuesday when I saw it happen to Marcus, a quiet sophomore who sat in the back of my third-period class. He was a good kid, drew incredible sketches of Civil War soldiers in his notebook margins. I saw him at the front of the lunch line. The cashier, a woman I’d known for twenty years, said something to him. I saw his shoulders slump. He was handed not a tray of hot food, but a cold cheese sandwich and a small milk carton—the “alternative meal.” The IOU. The badge of shame.

He walked past his friends, eyes glued to the floor, and sat at an empty table at the far end of the cafeteria. He didn’t eat. He just stared at the wall. In that moment, he wasn’t a student. He was a statistic. His family’s bank account balance was on public display, served between two slices of cheap bread.

Something inside me, a part of my soul worn thin by years of budget cuts and standardized tests, finally snapped.

The next day, I walked into the main office before school. Linda, the cafeteria manager, was there sorting receipts.

“Art,” she said, not looking up. “Don’t tell me the coffee machine is broken again.”

“It’s fine, Linda,” I said, sliding a folded fifty-dollar bill across the counter. “I want to start a fund. Anonymously. For the kids who come up short. When it happens, just… take it from this. No cheese sandwiches.”

She finally looked up, her eyes lingering on the money, then on my face. She didn’t say a word. She just gave a slow, deliberate nod and tucked the bill into her apron.

I started doing it every week. A fifty, sometimes a hundred if my pension check had a little extra. I called it the “Invisible Lunch Fund.” Linda never mentioned it, but sometimes I’d see her give a real hot meal to a kid I knew was struggling, and she’d catch my eye from across the room with that same quiet nod. It was our secret conspiracy of decency.

This went on for a year. It was my quiet rebellion.

Then, one afternoon, Sarah, the sharpest student in my AP History class, stayed after the bell.

“Mr. Harrison?” she started, twisting the strap of her backpack. “I have a question. It’s not about the homework.”

“Go ahead, Sarah.”

“I know about the lunch money,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “My mom works in the school office. She sees Linda’s accounting. There’s a line item she just writes in as ‘Donation.’ I know it’s you.”

My heart hammered against my ribs. I was caught. I imagined disciplinary meetings, being told I’d broken some obscure district policy.

But Sarah wasn’t angry. Her eyes were shining. “We want to help,” she said.

The next Monday, a group of students from my AP class set up a bake sale in the main hall. The sign, hand-painted on poster board, read: “BAKE SALE FOR BENEDICT ARNOLDS. (Because betraying your friends by letting them go hungry is treason.)”

By lunchtime, they had a shoebox overflowing with crumpled bills and coins. They placed it on my desk without a word. Over four hundred dollars. The administration, to their credit, looked the other way.

I’m retiring this year. The Invisible Lunch Fund is now just “The Fund,” and it’s run entirely by the students. They’ve made it their own.

For 38 years, I tried to teach kids that history is shaped by big speeches and epic battles. I was wrong. History isn’t just about the noise. It’s about the quiet moments, the unspoken acts of grace. It’s written not in textbooks, but on a lunch receipt when one person decides that another human being will not be shamed for being hungry. That’s the America I want to believe in. That’s the lesson I finally learned.

Thank you Carol Sacks Goldstein for sharing..

The Downside of Labeling Someone

 Not all labels are bad . . . certainly if you are decluttering your house or garage, it can be very helpful to have bins that are labeled Keep, Donate and Trash as a way of speeding up the process. Labels that we attach to humans are not nearly as helpful though and can often hinder our relationships and our ability to see another perspective.

I have found that as soon as we attach a "label" to someone, we often stop being curious and we stop learning things about them. It's like we say to ourselves "Ok, they are in THAT bucket, no need to learn anything more about them." In our society right now we're relying on a lot of labels and we're pretty quick to toss someone into one of those "labeled buckets" and walk away.

Today, I'd like to ask you to consider something different.

What if rather than immediately judging someone and subscribing a label to them, you approached them with curiosity. Kind of a "Hey I'd like to understand more about why you did or said or believe that." You might be surprised at what you learn.

As an example, many years ago when Charlton Heston was the head of the NRA, I decided to stay home and watched the annual NRA meeting that was being broadcast on cable that night rather than go out with my friends. Much to my disappointment, when my friends found out why I was staying home I was immediately labeled "one of them" and treated as if I had somehow become someone they didn't like as much. No one asked why I wanted to watch the meeting nor did they show any interest in understanding where I was coming from, which I found curious and disappointing (Thankfully, I didn't let it stop me from watching it).  Even later, when I tried offering up an explanation, I was quickly shut down with negative comments and jokes.

The truth was I had two reasons for tuning in.

1) Charlton Heston had been my most favorite actor since I was a little girl. I used to write letters to movie stars all the time and he was the ONLY one who ever wrote me back. He (Well, most likely his assistant) even sent me a couple signed black and white photos of him following the release of the movie Earthquake and my nine years old self was over the moon! I followed his career closely after that, never missed a movie he made. Over time, I discovered even more reasons to admire him for the person he was outside of a movie studio. He hadn't been making movies in recent years and I missed seeing him so I looked forward to watching him give the opening ceremony speech. 

2) I had been anti-gun my whole life. Frankly, I was afraid of them. Then I went to college in the Pacific northwest. Many of my classmates had very different views about guns because they had grown up around them and I regretted that I had never asked questions or shown any curiosity. I just slapped a label on them and that was that. (Well, that and I often found ways to make snide comments about guns whenever I could slip one into a conversation). So my second reason for watching that night was that I wanted to educate myself. 

I was shocked by how much I learned in just one night. Many of the things they spoke about in the meeting were in direct conflict with what I had been told and what I had read in all of my political and anti-gun literature, etc. There was a big disparity between what I had been told regarding their priorities and what they were standing for. I didn't know who was telling the truth but it made me want to explore it further before I blindly signed another petition or checked a box on election day. 

I never had any regret about watching the Annual meeting that night. Not just because it made me so happy to see Charlton again but because it opened my eyes to the fact that not everything I was being told was the truth. Often what we are told is SOME truth with a bunch of opinions and suppositions wrapped around it but the closer I looked at things, the more I began to see a trend emerging. 

Things were often written (by most everyone with a "cause") as a way to sway people one way or another, not necessarily to educate them. (I saw evidence of this in BOTH political parties). I began paying much closer attention to what facts/data were present in what I read vs. what seemed more focused on eliciting an emotional response and I was a bit stunned to realize how often the goal seemed to be more focused on eliciting an emotional response without the facts to back up all the statements being made. The more I paid attention, the more easily I could recognize what was happening . . . that alone has been a very useful skill for me in the years since - especially lately.

The other things that I believe is dangerous about labels is that words we use can hold different meaning to different people. A humorous example of this was the time I was out with a large group of my work colleagues and I mentioned that I had been a cheerleader in junior high and high school. Over half the people at the table looked at me like they were suddenly smelling rotten fish, followed by "You were WHAT?" The look of distain on their faces told me that their definition of "someone who is/was a cheerleader" was very different than mine (and even different amongst them) Based on people's personal experiences with cheerleaders, the term might conjure thoughts of them being heart breakers or air-heads or mean girls. That was when I began seeing how charged certain words can be for each of us. Based on the experiences we've had, the way we personally define a word (label) can vary greatly.

My point in sharing all of this is that I believe the labels we are relying on so heavily right now are often keeping us locked in a state of polarity and judgment - an "us vs. them" mindset instead of helping us find common ground, seeing things from another perspective and working together to resolve issues. These labels can keep us from seeing things from our hearts, they can keep us from understanding or feeling compassion for others and they can keep us from looking for solutions that bring people together instead of being even more divided.

I think that as soon as we label someone, we miss out on the opportunity to see the person as a human being . . . a human being who has reasons for what they think, what they believe, the choices they make . . . and I guarantee you that not all the reasons are the same. How could they be? We are all individuals, who have had a wide array of life experiences and different challenges along the way. 

It is my believe that if we can stop labeling people, we can more easily look at others with kindness and compassion and this gives us the opportunity to see so much more. And if we can approach others with curiosity, I believe there is so much we can learn. Furthermore, if we can place more value on who a person really is rather than the label that has been assigned to them, we might be able to open the door to deeper relationships with them. We might even find ways to unite, to work together, to help each other.

Would you be willing to give it a try? You might be surprised by how much common ground is there and you may find a new level of respect for people you would have previously ignored or written off.

The Right Place At The Right Time

 I believe we are often placed at a specific location at a specific time because our presence is needed there in that moment. I also believe that while the reason may not be something we can see or understand at the time, I trust that it is tied to the bigger picture, part of a divinely orchestrated plan. Over the years, I have had it happen and heard of it happening so frequently that I no long question it. 

Here are a few examples that I feel inspired to share:

A client of mine told me she had witnessed someone getting hit by a car. She rushed to the man's side to see if there was anything she could do for him, but he died before help arrived. She said he was losing blood too fast and there wasn't anything she could do to stop it. 

She felt really sad that she wasn't able to do anything and she wondered . . . if everything happens for a reason, why was she there?  She asked me what I thought. 

My mind and heart were immediately flooded with thoughts and emotions and images. I told her I was sensing very strongly that she was supposed to be there, because the man needed to experience her kindness and compassion before he left this world. He needed to feel the love of her generous heart and know that he wasn't alone . . . that her purpose in that moment was to be there, so that in his last moments on earth he knew that someone cared.  I told her it wasn't about saving his life, but about giving him the gift of love and compassion in that moment. 

She got goosebumps when I told her that and it brought tears to her eyes. I could feel her letting go of the judgement she placed on herself for not having been able to do more for him and she considered that maybe she did do exactly what she was meant to do. 

Another client shared with me that when he was out running an errand, he witnessed a dog getting hit by a car. He immediately pulled over and rushed to see if he could help. A young boy had placed the dog on the open tailed gate of his truck and at first the dog looked lifeless, but then he saw him moving. He had recently become a Reiki practitioner, and while he hadn't worked on anyone but his own animals, he decided to try giving the dog Reiki. He said the scene was chaotic . . . then he observed a young girl, the dog's guardian, came out of the house. My client quickly assessed that it was her brother who had picked the dog up and placed him on the tailgate. Then the driver of the car who hit the dog returned, apologizing profusely for what had happened. My client told me that the brother appeared to be in shock. He kept wringing his hands and running his hands through his hair, unable to do anything else. His sister was on her cell phone frantically trying to find an emergency vet that was opened on a Sunday. 

My client continued to give the dog Reiki while he assessed the situation. He didn't mention that was what she was doing. It probably just appeared that she was making sure the dog didn't fall off the tailgate. His mind was calm and he was thinking through next steps. He thought that if they were going to transport the dog to an emergency vet, they would need to try to keep the dog as still as possible. He asked the boy if they had a pet carrier, he said no. He asked if he had a box they could put the dog in and he said no. She could see how helpless he felt so she suggested he get a towel or a blanket that they could wrap around him. He dutifully went to get a blanket and he seemed relieved to have something to do. My client admitted he was surprised at how calm he remained through the whole thing, as he helped them sort through their next steps, never once getting flustered.

He helped them get themselves and the dog into the car and they left to find the emergency clinic. Later that day, she went back by their house to see how the dog was. They told her that he died from massive internal bleeding. He felt very sad and like my other client, she wondered why she had come upon the scene when he felt he hadn't really helped. He wondered why he had felt inspired to give the dog Reiki, when it didn't help save the dog's life. He wondered what the purpose of his being there was, when in his mind, her presence hadn't made a difference. 

I could sense right away that his purpose was to be a calm and loving presence, not just for the dog, but for the humans as well. I could feel how his presence helped the brother and sister stay calm and how his gentle guidance helped them tremendously when they were feeling so afraid and overwhelmed. I told him that Reiki can bring an animal great peace, which was probably exactly what the little dog needed at that time. I could also see how his presence helped everyone, even the man who had hit the dog, since he was able to corroborate his account of what happened and probably put his mind at ease. 

He was in the right place at the right time to help all of them in ways he hadn't realized he helped them. As with my other client, his gift was being able to share his love and support at a time when it was really needed. 

Another client of mine told me a story once about witnessing a cat that had been hit by a car while she was out jogging. Without even thinking she immediately ran over to the scene and noticed that everyone seemed to be in shock. The lady driving the car who had immediately pulled over was crying but also unable to do anything but mumble something about the cat seeming to come out of nowhere. There were multiple other witnesses standing around plus people who had come out of neighboring houses to see what was going on. As she recounted the experience, she mentioned that it seemed like everyone was paralyzed / frozen. She said "Does anyone know whose cat this is?" A couple people slowly nodded by didn't move. 

She said that it was like someone took over her body and she began giving people "assignments" . . . directing people. She asked the "head nodders" to go to the guardian's house and see if she was home, she asked the lady who had hit the cat to start writing her information down so it could be given to the cat's guardian, she asked who had a box that was big enough to transport the cat to the emergency vet, etc. One by one, she assigned people a task. They all seemed relieved that someone had "taken charge" and gave them a way to provide help in that moment. When the guardian came out of the house, she was understandably extremely upset. My client didn't think she would be able to drive to the emergency vet so she said "Who can drive her?" and immediately one of the neighbors raised their hand. Fortunately in this case, the cat's life was saved.

I know these are dramatic examples and the first two resulted in death so I hope my tender hearted readers aren't too upset by this. I share this because I think it is important for us to remember that our reason for being where we are at any given moment may not be obvious right away or may not result in the outcome we were hoping for but I trust that there is usually a higher purpose for why we end up being where we are. Maybe at some point in the future we will understand what that purpose was but even if we don't, it can be helpful to consider that there was a reason.

What Are You Focusing On?

 It is my belief that as long as we hang on to our differences to such a degree that we don't like other people or we blame them for what's happening in the world, we can end up perpetuating those types of experiences. Conversely, if we can accept that others hold a different view or belief and focus instead on what we DO agree on or what we DO appreciate about each other, we can have relationships that are much more peaceful and freeing.

This blog I wrote a few years back offers some more thoughts on the options we have to navigate the road ahead. There might be some nuggets in here for you to ponder on.

Some of my best friends from college and I were sharing our most favorite song at that particular time and while I was writing the previous blog post, a response came through from one of them mentioning U2's "Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way" which couldn't have been more perfectly timed for what I was writing.

My other friend said that his current favorites were both by Cody Jinx . . . "Hippies and Cowboys" and "Somewhere in the Middle" . . . I laughed and said "So basically songs about the 3 of us?" 

From our original gang of eight close knit friends, I have remained the closest to these two guys. Our friendship is just as strong now (maybe even stronger) than it was back then. Interestingly enough for as long as I can remember, the three of us have held different positions on a lot of things . . . . whether it was politics or religion or the music we listened to. As an example, one of us would only listen to country music, one of us would only listen to alternative music, one of us was willing to listen to both . . . One of us was a hardcore Catholic, one of us was a semi-present Catholic and one of us was raised without any religion at all. And yet, it didn't stop us from being really close friends.

While reflecting on our connection, I've realized how much things have shifted over the years. Where we used to argue and debate our stance back in the day, we've moved to a place of accepting that we have differences and it doesn't stop us from appreciating each other and the friendship we share. If we DO talk about those topics, it is usually with a desire to understand where the other is coming from, rather than looking for an opportunity to pounce and tell the other one why they are wrong. 

I've also been fascinated to observe that we've often changed positions over the years. The one who wouldn't listen to country music now loves it and the one who would only listen to country music now listens to a whole variety of music. The one who was raised without any religion ended up converting to Catholicism, while another one has moved away from religion completely. There is a fluidness to it all. I can see that nothing is ever cast in concrete and we shift and change when we want to, not because we got beat down by the opinion of others. We are free to keep shifting and changing who we are. Granted, the three of us aren't perfect so occasionally we slip back into old ways and tease each other over a difference here or there but the majority of the time, we allow for those differences to be there.

The reason I am sharing all of this is because I can sense that this is something that will help us all navigate the road ahead. As long as we hang on to our differences to such a degree that we don't like other people or we blame them for what's happening in the world, we can perpetuate those types of experiences. As long as we ridicule and shame others for their beliefs, the more unhappiness and upheaval we will likely experience . . . and the more difficult it will be for everyone on the planet.

Conversely, if we can accept that others hold a different view or belief and focus instead on what we DO agree on or what we DO appreciate about each other, we can have relationships that are much more peaceful and freeing.

It's important to remember that accepting is not the same as agreeing. We don't have to all AGREE on every single issue in order to have a respectful relationship. If we can accept that we are going to have differences and focus instead on what we have in common, where we have shared beliefs or shared hopes for the future, it will go a long way toward shifting and uplifting our relationships. If we are able to accept that everyone is on their own journey, learning and growing in their own time and their own ways, the opportunities for peace and building bridges can present themselves even more rapidly.

I feel blessed that these two guys are still in my life. Regardless of where we are different, I know that any interaction we have is going to include a ton of laughter because we seem to bring out the best in each other when it comes to wit. I also know that no matter what, we will always show up for each other because we see each other with our hearts first. 

We have that choice every day. To use our hearts to help us see. To use compassion to help us connect. To hold space for others who are on a different path. At least for me, taking that approach makes life a whole lot sweeter. 

Healing Ourselves By Changing Our Beliefs

This topic has come up so frequently lately, I decided to dust off a blog I wrote in April of 2021 and publish it again. I've refreshed the content a bit but the underlying message is the same . . . We may hold beliefs about ourselves that don't serve us or that keep us stuck in old patterns, which can effect our physical health, our emotional health and our mental health. And if we can identify what those limiting beliefs are, we have the option to choose new beliefs any time we want.

I personally believe that most of us have things to heal - to varying degrees. An easy way to identify them is when we get triggered by something, i.e. have a bigger reaction to something than may seem appropriate at the time. We can get triggered by something because we have a belief that we are holding onto (consciously or unconsciously) that limits us or makes us feel "less than" who we truly are. (i.e. not smart enough or not educated enough, etc.)

It can be a belief based on experiences we had, that we keep seeing "proof" of (i.e. people not listening to us or not believing us, or constantly being interrupted when we are trying to speak, etc).  These "wounds" can show up in so many ways . . . . those are just a few examples to give you an idea of what I am referring to. 

In our world right now, I also see an incredible amount of judgement and blame flying around. (These folks are often triggered more than the average person). When I see someone judging the heck out of other people, it makes me sad because I know that it often indicates they are someone who was judged a lot when they were young and they likely judge themselves as harshly if not more harshly than they judge others. 

The "beliefs" we hold about ourselves (again, it can be consciously or unconsciously) carry energy so we can inadvertently "pull in" experiences that match those beliefs, like a magnet pulls metal towards it. If we believe we are unlovable, we may attract partners who don't treat us very well or not attract a partner at all. If we believe we will never catch a break in life, we may find that we keep having the experience of not catching a break - over and over again. 

These "opportunities to heal" can show up in so many ways. Typically we have been living with them for so many years that we don't even think of them as "wounds" . . . they are just "who we are" or "the way things are in the world" or whatever. 

Personally, I believe we have a choice to keep holding onto these old beliefs and therefore keep having these less desirable experiences over and over. Or we can "heal" what's underneath them, let go of the beliefs and be free of them once and for all . . .  if we want to. I have seen time and time again what a positive impact it can have on people's emotional, mental and physical health when we challenge and let go of old beliefs.

If you are interested in making a change, as a starting point, you may want to pull out a pad of paper and write down all the things that have triggered you lately (things people do that have frustrated you / upset you, sadness or anger over how you've been treated, etc). Then spend a little time thinking about each item on your list. Can you identify the "belief" underneath it that you might be holding? Get curious about yourself and what keeps showing up in your life that you'd prefer not to keep experiencing. 

Once you have familiarized yourself with your triggers and what beliefs may be underneath them, there are lots of possibilities for how you can let go of them. One simple thing you can do as a starting point is to ask yourself "Do I want to continue to believe this? Do I want to keep having this experience? Sometimes it can be as simple as making a conscious choice to say "No! I am done having that experience" and then decide what you want to experience instead.

You can use your imagination and visualize "letting go" of the belief. You can write down what you'd like to believe instead and keep repeating that in your mind (often referred to as an "affirmation") every day. Based on how big of a change it will be, you can decide how often you want/need to repeat the affirmation. 

If you know when you first formed the belief, you can "re-write the script" and see it play out in a more positive way. For instance, if you hold the belief that you aren't smart enough because someone told you a long time ago that you were dumb, imagine that conversation differently, see the person saying something positive instead or imagine someone else reminding you how smart you are. Remember there is no "right way" to do it. Have some fun with it. What approach feels best to you?

If the belief is a little more "embedded" in our system, it can sometimes require a little more effort on our part to set it free - once and for all.

Sometimes I look at the item and ask myself "Have I ever done this? (Often the answer is "yes" which allows me to have a little more compassion for the person who has triggered a reaction in me). As an example, I struggled with the "not being heard / not being believed" experience for much of my life. One day, it occurred to me that there were times where I didn't listen to myself (either ignoring my own gut feeling about something or doing something because it was expected of me, not because it felt right / aligned with my heart). Once I realized that, it was easier to forgive myself for the times I treated myself that way. After doing that, I vowed to make a continual effort to listen to myself. And the super cool things is that almost right away, I noticed that I was having a lot less instances of other people not listening to me. 

Sometimes I needed to offer myself compassion for having had the experience in the first place. In those cases, I treat myself the way I would treat one of my closest friends, and say - even if it's just in my mind - "Wow, that really sucks. I can only imagine how cruddy that must have felt to have people not believe you when you were telling the truth. I'm really sorry you went through that" or whatever the appropriate wording is for the situation. Often the act of offering myself some compassion for an experience is all I need to let go of the underlying belief.

Remember there is no "right way" to let go of or change a belief that doesn't serve us or support us in creating the life experiences we want to have. Play around with it and see what results you get. If you don't feel you let it go completely or don't see anything change in your interactions with others, play around with it some more, let your imagination come up with another technique for clearing it out and see what happens.

The important thing to remember is that we get to choose. We get to decide if we want to let it go. We are free to change what we believe about ourselves anytime. We are free to have a life filled with the kind of experiences we want to have. (which can have a positive affect on our physical health as well as our mental and emotional health). The trick is to remember that it all starts with us. We can't change other people but we can change ourselves and the thoughts and beliefs we are holding inside.

Isn't it time for us all to heal from the things that have kept us from being who we truly are? Free of limitations and free to live a life that feels more expansive and enjoyable? 

ps:  I chose this picture of a Stellars Jay for this blog (that my sweet neighbor took for me because she knows they are one of my most favorite birds). They symbolize freedom and independence, as well as energy, curiosity, vision and determination. All of that seemed to connect with what I have written here, plus I just adore them and love seeing pictures of them.  :-)  

Where Is Our Compassion?

In our current reality, that seems to be filled with polarity and division, where people are feeling helpless and hopeless, there has never been a time where compassion is more needed . . . so I find it quite troubling that our headlines are still filled with name calling and more attempts to keep us divided. I saw something this week that bothered me so much, I feel compelled to speak up and say something. 

The headline was about a news reporter who was confronted by a "crazy man" . . . this headline showed up over and over and over again . . . sometimes they changed the word from "crazy to deranged" but basically every headline made fun of and denigrated the man who approached the news reporter, Shaquille Brewster.  

My first thought was "Why on earth would they label the man that way?" I watched the short clip, which was the only clip I could find because every single news outlet showed the exact same thing and in it you can hear the man saying "Report accurately!" A man wants accurate reporting . . . why did he get labeled with such derogatory terms? 

The "scene" of this event took place in Gulfport, Mississippi . . . an area that had just experienced sustained winds of up ago 150mph from Hurricane Ida. Rather than labeling the man "crazy" or "deranged" why wasn't anyone asking if he was ok? If he wanted to make sure the reporter was reporting accurately, he must have had a reason for it. If he was acting aggressively, why wasn't anyone asking WHY? 

On the heels of 150pmh winds, do we know what this man has been through? Did he lose his home? His business? Was he missing loved ones? Did he have anywhere to go? Anything to eat? Did he need help of some sort? 

Yesterday, I saw another headline about this "event" so I clicked on the article to see if there was more information. The article was about the number of people who reached out to the reporter, Shaquille Brewster, to make sure he was ok.  Every article I clicked on said the exact same thing . . . it was about the outpouring of support he was receiving for being confronted on the beach the other day.  

What about the man who confronted him? Do we know if HE is ok? Do we know why he was so concerned about accurate reporting? Surely he must have had a reason for coming across as upset as he seemed to be. Do we know if HE needs support right now? Is anyone reaching out to him to make sure that HE is ok? Where is our compassion for someone who quite probably LIVES in Gulfport? (I am making that assumption based on the fact that from what I could tell, the only people in Gulfport at the time were residents and reporters - feel free to correct me if I am wrong). Why isn't there an outpouring of support for him? I couldn't fall asleep that night because I couldn't stop thinking about the man in the video . . . and the rest of the people who have been in the path of Hurricane Ida. 

I read today that flooding was already occurring in Gulfport. I sent all the love and compassion I could (and will continue to do so) . . . to the man in the video and to all the people who are being affected by Hurricane Ida. And yet, I know we can still do more. 

So where is our compassion?  I know it's out there but you'd never know it from what you see in the news.  The people who are being affected by these "acts of nature" all over the world need our compassion  . . . they need our support. They don't need to be called names and ridiculed in our headlines. I know we can do better . . . 

At times like these, I am brought back to some of my favorite music  . . . music I grew up on that always touched my heart and my soul. Today, I share the lyrics of one of my favorite Diana Ross songs:

Reach out and touch: 

Reach out and touch somebody's hand. Make this world a better place if you can

Reach out and touch, somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can

(Just try)

Take a little time out of your busy day to give encouragement to someone who's lost their way

Or would I be talking to a stone if I asked you to share a problem that's not your own

We can change things if we start giving. 

Why don't you reach out and touch somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can. Reach out and touch, somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can.

(Just try) 

If you see an old friend on the street and he's down, remember his shoes could fit your feet

Try a little kindness, you'll see, it's something that comes very naturally. We can change things if we start giving.

Why don't you reach out and touch - why don't you reach out and touch somebody's hand - make this world a better place if you can. 

ps:  I have since read that they issued a warrant for the man's arrest (with a list of charges that did NOT match anything I saw in the video) and then another update that he had been found and put in jail. Again, I ask - Where is our compassion??  Who is going to tell HIS side of the story? When are we going to decide that name calling people in the headlines (without looking at and reporting on the other side of the story) is something we won't accept? 

What It Means to Give

Recently I came across this story - an excerpt from Everything Good in the World where Katherine Hepburn shares an experience she had as a child. On this day she learned an important lesson about giving and it moved me so deeply, I just had to share it. 

In this year of 2021, it is my hope that more and more people will understand the value and the joy of giving, that more people will learn to "see" with their hearts, respond with love and compassion for others. I truly believe we have the ability to shift the consciousness of our planet and that the choice is in our hands - from one moment to the next. 

Katherine Hepburn, 1921.

In her own words:

“Once when I was a teenager, my father and I were standing in line to buy tickets for the circus.

Finally, there was only one other family between us and the ticket counter. This family made a big impression on me.

There were eight children, all probably under the age of 12. The way they were dressed, you could tell they didn't have a lot of money, but their clothes were neat and clean.

The children were well-behaved, all of them standing in line, two-by-two behind their parents, holding hands. They were excitedly jabbering about the clowns, animals, and all the acts they would be seeing that night. By their excitement you could sense they had never been to the circus before. It would be a highlight of their lives.

The father and mother were at the head of the pack standing proud as could be. The mother was holding her husband's hand, looking up at him as if to say, "You're my knight in shining armor." He was smiling and enjoying seeing his family happy.

The ticket lady asked the man how many tickets he wanted? He proudly responded, "I'd like to buy eight children's tickets and two adult tickets, so I can take my family to the circus." The ticket lady stated the price.

The man's wife let go of his hand, her head dropped, the man's lip began to quiver. Then he leaned a little closer and asked, "How much did you say?" The ticket lady again stated the price.

The man didn't have enough money. How was he supposed to turn and tell his eight kids that he didn't have enough money to take them to the circus?

Seeing what was going on, my dad reached into his pocket, pulled out a $20 bill, and then dropped it on the ground. (We were not wealthy in any sense of the word!) My father bent down, picked up the $20 bill, tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, sir, this fell out of your pocket."

The man understood what was going on. He wasn't begging for a handout but certainly appreciated the help in a desperate, heartbreaking and embarrassing situation.

He looked straight into my dad's eyes, took my dad's hand in both of his, squeezed tightly onto the $20 bill, and with his lip quivering and a tear streaming down his cheek, he replied; "Thank you, thank you, sir. This really means a lot to me and my family."

My father and I went back to our car and drove home. The $20 that my dad gave away is what we were going to buy our own tickets with.

Although we didn't get to see the circus that night, we both felt a joy inside us that was far greater than seeing the circus could ever provide.

That day I learned the value to give.

The giver is bigger than the receiver. If you want to be large, larger than life, learn to Give. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything.

The importance of giving, blessing others can never be over emphasized because there's always joy in giving. Learn to make someone happy by acts of giving.”

~ Katharine Hepburn

(from Everything Good in the World)