Many years ago I brought Kino, the German shepherd I was fostering, to the beach to sit in peaceful reflection, tap into my intuition and figure out if I was ready to let him get adopted or if he was going to stay with me.
Truth be told, he had a ton of issues with prey drive, reactivity with other dogs, reactivity with strangers, not trustworthy around kids because of his reactiveness, etc. and none of those were traits of my "dream dog." He was even "redirecting" when he was in flip out mode, which means he was biting ME in the midst of his reactive meltdowns because I was the one holding the leash and the only one he could reach. I had become a bit fearful of him, yet there was another part of me that was very fearful that if anyone else adopted him, he might likely "get himself in some kind of trouble" and end up being put down. I didn't know how to reconcile the two sides.
That "decision day" ended up being the most miserable and non peaceful day I have ever had at the beach my entire life - LOL. I tried just sitting quietly with him - away from everyone else - but Kino became unhinged each time an off leash dogs charging at him . . . and that seemed to happen non-stop. Literally, dogs coming out of no where, even though we were well away from everyone else at the beach that day. I tried walking him along the water's edge. Turns out he hated the water (or was incredibly afraid of it) and he bolted toward dry land every time the water was about to touch his feet . . . which means I got thrown to the ground unexpectedly several times. It gave the expression "Pound sand" a whole new meaning to me. We are talking the worst of the worst days for both of us.
I finally gave up trying to enjoy being at the beach. It also seemed like a waste of energy to attempt to tune into my intuition so I decided to just call it a day and head home. Yet as I stood at the bottom of the stairs at what was once my favorite beach, trying to figure out how I was going to get UP all those stairs with a completely over-stimulated, dog reactive 90 pound pup, when dogs wouldn't stop coming DOWN the stairs, I reached my limit.
Bursting into tears, I cried over every aspect of the whole day. I had seriously never felt so horrible after a trip to the beach. As I sat there, crying and trying to calm myself down, so that I could calm Kino down, a guy named Steve who used to see me there with my previous German shepherd (Lucky) was suddenly standing a few feet away from me.
Being the kind soul that he was, he asked about the tears and inquired if there was anything he could do to help. After telling him all of the above, he looked at me and in the most matter of fact tone he said, "I can't think of anyone better to help him than you." I stared at him blankly, as I attempted to blink tears out of my eyes. Did I hear him correctly?
It took a while but Kino and I eventually made it up the stairs and to the car. The whole drive home, I couldn't stop thinking about what Steve said. Something about the fact that someone who barely knew me seemed to think that Kino belonged with me had really stopped me in my tracks.
It got me thinking about the fact that in the Reactive Dog Training classes Kino and I had been attending, the instructor kept forgetting he was my foster dog. She said more than once, "It just feels to me like you two belong together so maybe that's why my brain doesn't remember that he is your foster dog."
My mind wouldn't stop churning the whole drive home. Was I really considering keeping him when I had just had the most miserable beach day of my life? Was I really going to adopt a dog who had bitten me more than once? Apparently the answer was yes because I called the rescue group when I got home and I told them I was going to keep him.
The truth was that deep inside, I think I already knew he was supposed to stay with me. Was it nice to get confirming "nudges" from the guy at the beach as well as the instructor of the Reactive Dog class? Absolutely it was . . . and yet they were just helping me see / tune into what I was already feeling myself.
A few weeks ago, we celebrated Kino's 11th birthday. It is hard to believe so many years have passed since I became a "foster failure." It doesn't feel like it has been that long thus I find myself constantly "recounting" the years to figure out how old he is. I truly cannot imagine my life without him. He is such a love bug with me now.
In so many ways he still acts like a puppy . . . pulling my hand towel off the towel rack and rubbing his face all over it is still one of his favorite things to do. ha ha His level of giddiness and excitement over new toys and new squeakers being put into old toys is still at an all time high.
Is he still reactive - yes, to a lot of things. Is he still reactive to other dogs? Not all dogs but he certainly still "reacts" to the majority of them. Does he like getting his feet wet? Nope. He never did become a "beach dog." He and I are ok with that though. I have come to realize that it is about loving him for who he IS - not who I wish he was . . . which is a wonderful reminder to continue to love myself for who I am, at every stage of this "game."
I am sharing all of this as an invitation to keep listening to yourself. While it can be wonderful to have the input of others to reinforce or confirm what our heart and soul are already telling us . . . I believe it is really important to keep tuning into our own feelings so that we hear those "clicks" of confirmation / validation when they come along.
We may also need to consider that things might not "look" like we thought they would, so it can be helpful to be open to the possibility that the "answer" our soul seeks may look a little different than we expected. It could be that our soul path is not the "easiest one" yet maybe it is the most rewarding one. (which of course I share with the gift of "hind-sight") LOL
I continue to receive confirmation that the more we stay true to our own heart and our own soul, the better . . . so I encourage you to keep taking time to listen to YOU as much as you can. Keep allowing the trust you have with yourself to grow and become stronger. It can make the "clicks of confirmation" even louder when we are standing more firmly in our own "knowing." In addition to that, I have a strong feeling that it may also assist us in other ways that we haven't yet imagined.
