A New "Normal"

Back in 2009, I wrote this blog. It was at a time when my precious girl Lucky was aging and I was having a bit of trouble being at peace with all the changes. It has been getting a lot of hits lately so it seems like a good time to fresh it up and share it again. 

For nearly two decades, I have continued to share with my clients the wonderful and insightful advice I received from the dog named Pug. Here is the refreshed post: 

 

As our animals grow older, we may find that they can't do the things they were able to do in the past. Sometimes this can make us sad. It can even lead us to spend more time grieving over the things our animals can no longer do, instead of enjoying what they can still do today. 

Redefining a new "normal" may be a subtle shift in how we view our animals as they age, but the shift in perspective gives us the chance to more fully embrace and enjoy the time we still have together. 

It was a sweet pug opened my eyes to the importance of this mental shift. 

As a way of honoring him, I am sharing his wonderful advice with all of you. He told me that I needed to keep redefining what "normal" was for Lucky (or any aging pet).  At first, the advice took me by surprise, as I wasn't sure how it related to me and what was going on but after a few minutes of contemplation, I realized his advice couldn't have been more on target.  

At the time I met this darling pug, who went by the name Pug, Lucky was having mobility issues and losing use of her back legs. Our world was changing and I wasn't very happy about the changes. After sitting with Pug's advice, I could see that I had been focusing more on "what we couldn't do anymore" instead of what we could still do. I had also been thinking a lot about the fact that she probably wouldn't be with me much longer, which made me even more sad. 

Lucky wasn't able to chase the tennis ball anymore, which meant our daily trips to the park weren't going to be the same. We couldn't go to her favorite beach anymore because there are about eighty steps from where you have to park to get to the sand and Lucky just couldn't do stairs anymore. 

I could see with startling clarity that I was spending so much time thinking about what we couldn't do anymore that I was missing out on opportunities to enjoy what we still had.  

These are the subtle but powerful shifts I was able to make:

While our trips to the park couldn't include chasing the tennis ball, it didn't mean that we couldn't still go and enjoy some social time with the children that Lucky loved so much. We redefined "going to the park" to be about socializing and sharing love instead of ball chasing.  

And while we couldn't go to our favorite beach because off the big staircase, it didn't mean we couldn't find a new beach to go to, one without stairs. (and I easily found a new access point to the beach) Making the switch to our "new beach" (the one without stairs), our new definition of a "normal trip to the beach" became about us sitting in the sand, listening to the waves and watching the birds and the other people and dogs who were there. Much to Lucky's delight, it also included us sharing some snacks. 

I began looking for even more ways of re-defining our "normal" so that I could enjoy what was, instead of thinking about what used to be . . . or worrying about what the future held. I was amazed at how much it lifted my spirits. 

When Lucky needed my help to walk with the use of a sling, we went out in the yard together when she has to go potty. I had always gone out in the backyard with her, but if it was raining, I stuck close to the house, hanging out under the eaves so that I could stay dry. While using the sling, I was all the way out there with her, regardless of how hard it was raining but I chose to think of it as a fun adventure. I was our new "normal" - both of us getting drenched on those rainy days and nights. It made me feel happy to be able to be there with her, to help her and I even laughed sometimes about how drenched we both got.  

I tried to look at each change in our routine in a positive light, seeing it as our "new normal" so that I could keep enjoying every day that we had together.

How can this help you?

I know I am not the only animal guardian who has faced this dilemma . . . of seeing your animal unable to do the things they used to do. I also know that I am not the only animal guardian who could benefit from trying to find joy in the new definition of "normal."

To this day, I am still so grateful that I met Pug and that I was able to receive such wonderful advice from him. As a way of keeping his spirit alive, I continue to keep his advice in the forefront of my mind. I know it helped Lucky and I make the most of the time we had together, enjoying every moment, regardless of how different it was from how things used to be. I was once again able to use Pugs words of wisdom in the last few years that Kino and I shared.

For those of you who are reading this, who have an animal who is getting older, my hope is that Pug's words of wisdom will support and inspire you as well. Can you redefine your "normal"? I truly believe that coming from this different perspective can help you to make the most of the time you have with your precious animals too. 

What Do You Love?

Feeling the call to write about love today because there is so much power in love!!!  I believe we are capable of harnessing that power, first inside of ourselves - then extending it out to the world . . . where it can shift what is happening around us. Is anyone out there game to join in?

With all of my heart, I truly believe that . . . Love can heal! Love can support! Love can change the structure of our water! Love can change our body chemistry and mood! Love can positively impact the choices we make! Love can have a wonderful effect on how we treat those around us!  There is no end to what love can do. Just think about the positive impact we could experience if we filled our own cups so full with love that it spills out into the world around us. 

If you're willing, will you stop for a moment right now and ask yourself, "What do I love?" and write down everything that comes to mind?  It doesn't matter if you already know what you'd write - write it down anyway.  :-)  Let it boost you. Let it lift your spirits. Maybe it will help shift your mind away from what is weighing heavy on you right now. Maybe it will help you breathe more deeply.

At the top of my list are: Animals, music, sunsets, water (beaches and lakes), flowers and trees. When I want to tap into the power of love, all I have to do is think about this list. I can look at pictures of these things or listen to song lyrics that "take me there" . . . Often times this can be my saving grace, the thing that will give me the strength I need to keep moving forward on a tough day.

And it is such an easy thing to do.

Below I am sharing some of my favorite song lyrics about LOVE as well as some pictures to go along with my list. I hope that maybe they will inspire you to create your own list and start tapping into your own vibration of love. My wish is that having your own list will assist you in a noticeable positive shift of your own.

As my very first favorite rock star (and teen crush) Eddie Money sang in the song Jealousys:  

Life on earth, 

Take it for what it's worth,

Save the Universe,

Love One Another! 

And as Todd Rundgren wrote:

And when you feel afraid, love one another

When you've lost your way, love one another

When you're all alone, love one another

When you're far from home, love one another

When you're down and out, love one another

All your hope's run out, love one another

When you need a friend, love one another

When you're near the end, love

We got to love, we got to love one another

Light of the world, you got to shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all (know that love can save the day)

Set us free

Love is the answer

(Just give it, just one more chance)

And as the Bellamy Brothers sang: 

Just let your love flow like a mountain stream

And let your love grow with the smallest of dreams

And let your love show

And you'll know what I mean, it's the season

Let your love fly like a bird on the wing

And let your love bind you to all living things

And let your love shine

And you'll know what I mean, that's the reason

And as The Youngbloods sang:

If you hear the song I sing

You will understand, listen

You hold the key to love and fear

All in your trembling hand

Just one key unlocks them both

It's there at your command

Come on, people now

Smile on your brother

Everybody get together

Try to love one another right now

And as The O'Jays sang:

People all over the world, join hands.

Start a love train, love train

People all over the world, join hands

Start a love train, love train

The next stop that we make will be England

Tell all the folks in Russia and China too

Don't you know that it's time to get on board

And let this train keep on riding, riding on through

People all over the world (you don't need no money) join hands

Start a love train, love train (don't need no ticket, come on)

People all over the world (join in, ride this train)

Start a love train, love train

All of your brothers over in Africa

Tell all the folks in Egypt and Israel too

Please don't miss this train at the station

'Cause if you miss it, I feel sorry, sorry for you

People all over the world, join hands

Start a love train, a love train

Ride, let it ride

People, ain't no war

People all over the world (on this train) 

Join hands (ride the train)
Start a love train

 

 

Are We Dealing With Conflict Or Avoiding It?

As far as I know, conflict resolution skills are not taught as part of a regular school curriculum, so unless we take a class or read a book specifically called "Dealing with conflict" - chances are we haven't learned to productively navigate conflict resolution. Or what we have learned is through our own trial and error over the years and we may not know enough or have the confidence to deal with different types of conflict. Either way, I have found that most of us are not comfortable with or equipped to successfully deal with conflict. Many people just flat out don't want to deal with it.

Time and again, I witness the discomfort that people have with conflict.They often employ other (typically less helpful) strategies as a way to cope with conflict when it comes up (or when they think it is about to come up). 

Have you seen these types of things in your conversations and meetings when a conflict arises? 

- Quickly changing the subject (duck and run)

- Putting it on a list for the "next meeting" and then conveniently never get back to it? (defer it)

- Ignoring the issue all together when someone brings it up again and/or stating that there "isn't enough time left for the "schedule" to address that" (hope to sweep it under the rug where it will stay forever)

It makes you wonder, why are so many of us "conflict adverse"? Have you ever explored this? 

I have always found it quite curious. In addition to observing people's behavior, I also engage people in conversation about dealing with conflict. When I ask folks about the conflict avoidance I am observing, I get a whole host of responses:

- It takes too long to resolve conflict

- It will require that we talk about feelings and I don't "do" feeling :-) 

- It is easier to ignore it and who knows - it might resolve itself. (The person creating the conflict may change jobs or end up somewhere else after the next re-org)

- I prefer it when people just get along, even if they are pretending that everything is OK

- I don't know what the "answer is" or how to resolve this, so I'd rather ignore it until I know how to fix it.

Interestingly enough, the other thing I have made a mental note about is how often I see folks that can handle conflict pretty well in one type of situation but take the avoidance route in another i.e. maybe they handle conflict pretty well at work but not in their personal lives. (or vice versa where they handle personal conflict with ease but don't demonstrate those same skills in the work place). Truth be told, I noticed it in myself first and was shocked when I realized what I did with ease in the work place didn't get transferred over to my personal life. That was when I became even more curious and began keeping an eye out for others with similar patterns. 

Have you noticed these things about conflict too? How have you seen them play out in your own life?

Do you want to get better at dealing with conflict? 

Here's a little secret for you if you are interested in getting better at resolving conflict. The first and most important step is being a good listener. Sounds too easy right? But it is the truth. Listening is an incredibly powerful tool to use when dealing with conflict.

People want to be heard and they want to feel respected and valued. We can actually do that by listening to others. Not "listening well enough to plan our response" - but truly listening to what the other person is saying. It requires that we suspend being defensive, pause the instinct to "take it personally" and just hear what the person is saying. 

Once someone has been able to share their perspective, we can ask "Is there anything else you would like me to hear or know?" and then be quiet again and just let the person speak. 

From there, we can validate or confirm what we heard. (i.e. Am I hearing you correctly - that you feel "x"?  or your concern is "y"? (Note: Make sure the person has said everything they want to / need to say before you make this step). If we move to this too quickly frustrations can rise with the person not feeling heard once again.

- Once we have confirmed our understanding of where the other person is coming from, next we can offer empathy and / or compassion to the person for how this situation has felt on their end of things. (Note: but this only works well if the empathy and / or compassion are genuine)

After that, you can move to resolving the conflict. If the previous steps were done well, it can be as simple as asking "What do you think we can do to move forward?" Often times the person has a simple solution that can easily be acted upon. Maybe after really listening to the person you can see how a genuine apology is all that is needed to help the person and/or situation shift forward. Maybe the person just needed to feel heard. 

Once there is not longer that "charge" of conflict, resolution can usually occur quite easily and quickly.  

If you want to improve how you handle conflict, maybe this will be helpful for you to play with. I have found that the other common denominator with people who are comfortable handling conflict is confidence. The more confident we are in our ability to handle it, the more successful we usually are. 

A few other pieces of advice I will offer to increase your chances of success are:

- Start with something small. Maybe address a few small conflicts first, practice different approaches and gain confidence. Then you can move on to something with a bigger charge. This approach can increase the likelihood of being successful AND help you gain the confidence you need to address conflict the next time it arises. 

- Schedule enough time to have a meaningful dialogue in a location that is quiet and private enough for a genuine conversation to take place. (It's probably best not to attempt this when you are stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and late for a meeting, or 10 minutes before your partner or family member usually goes to bed).  :-)  Make sure you are setting yourselves up for success by ensuring there is enough time available to genuinely be present for a block of time.

Leave People Better Than You Found Them

I saw something recently that really hit home for me, as it is something that matches what I truly admire as well.

What do you admire most in a person?

The ability to leave people better than they found them

 To have conversations that heal instead of hurt

To make people feel safe instead of judged

To be the reason someone walks away with a smile on their face or in their heart instead of questioning their worth

That is a rare kind of beautiful 

I strive to show up this way every day. While I may not be perfect at it, it continues to be a daily goal for me. Whether it is a work setting, a personal relationship or with strangers - it can and in many cases I have been able to witness - what a palpable difference is usually makes.

Even if the impact of your interaction isn't evident at the time, or ever known for that matter, holding that intention to show up in the world that way is what is important.

I invite you to consider this when you are interacting with other human beings. We don't need to do it perfectly. Over time, it may become more and more natural for us. (I think of it as if we are building a muscle.) To me, the most important thing is having the goal to show up this way, a genuine desire to leave people better than we found them.

If you feel inspired, you can also substitute the word "people" with animals and strive to treat animals (4 legged and winged) that way as well. I get to witness this all the time, watching the kindness and respect that exists between animals and across different species of animals. The ways they interact with each other, support and look out for each other has never stopped putting a smile on my face and in my heart. It encourages me to keep doing better. 

We may not love what we see happening in the world. It may feel overwhelmingly negative at times. It may be down right painful to observe. What we see going on around us may leave us feeling helpless and defeated - wondering what we can do. Fortunately for us, the one thing we are able to do is be responsible for the way we treat one another. 

What if this was not a rarity but rather the way we all showed up for and interacted with each other? 

Leaving people better than we found them

Having conversations that heal instead of hurt

Making people feel safe instead of judged

Being the reason someone walks away with a smile on their face or in their heart instead of questioning their worth

I ponder this quite often . . . What would happen if we were lifting each other up, if we were letting everyone we interact with know they have been seen, heard, valued and appreciated? What would this world be like if we all showed up this way for everyone we interacted with? If we left people better than we found them? 

Just for today, would you consider giving it a try? And if you like how it feels, and/or you get to see how someone else responds to being treated this way, would you consider doing it again? And again? As I said, holding this intention / desire is key, perfection is not a requirement. I can't help but think this might be a way for each of us to make a big collective positive impact on the world - and we never know when the "tipping point" will occur. 

 

Animal Communication and Energy Sessions - Updated

 Animal Services: 

I have been able to communicate with animals since I was a little girl and began doing it professionally over 20 years ago. That was around the same time that I studied energy healing and became a Reiki practitioner so my services include both energy healing sessions and animal communication sessions. Over the years, I have studied and practiced many other energy healing modalities so I use an assortment of approaches when working with energy.

Since both types of sessions can be done from a distance, I don’t need to be in person with the animal. I have learned over the years that because of how sensitive I am to energy, working with animals this way (from a distance) actually provides a greater depth of information since I can tune into just the one animal and not other animals or people in the house. I work off of a picture and tune into their energy field that way.

Communication is mainly telepathic, with the added benefit of my ability to literally feel inside my body what an animal is feeling inside of theirs (both physical and emotional). 

I primarily work with dogs, cats, horses / donkeys - and have also had the pleasure of working with other animals as well, such as birds, ducks, rabbits and elephants. So basically, I can communicate with all animals - it is just more common for me to work with dogs, cats and horses.

Details of Animal Communication sessions: These sessions are ideal for when you have specific questions for your pet i.e. Do you like this or that? What do you think of . . . , etc. They are also a huge asset to guardians when they are facing aging and end of life decisions. Guardians want to know how their animals are truly feeling and want their input about the decisions that need to be made.  It can be such a scary and tender time and my clients have found this kind of session invaluable for them to be able to navigate this very difficult part of their journey.

Additionally, these type of sessions are helpful when you want to prepare your pet for change i.e. new place to live, new family member (human or animal), or some other event that will disrupt the routine/schedule in your home. Communication is two-way where I can share information with them as well as get answers to your questions from them.

Animals communicate in a multitude of ways: by sending images / pictures telepathically, through sensations that I feel in my body (both physical sensations and emotions) as well as via words and phrases that come through. I put all of that together in order to get a clear "answer."

A lot of people think communicating with animals works the same as human communication where I could say, "Can you tell me why you have been throwing up?" and the animal says "Well it all started after X so I suspect that is probably the reason." or "Yes, I think I am allergic to Y which is in the new food that my dad has been feeding me." LOL. 

Since animals don't speak in full sentences like humans do, time is spent during the first part of the session explaining to the animal how I plan to work with them and ensuring the animal feels safe and comfortable with me. From there I share the questions their guardian has and begin to tune into what I am feeling / receiving from the animal. Then it often feels like we are playing a game of Pictionery. LOL  It typically involves delving deeper into some areas and then piecing all of the information together to understand the response they are giving me. Answers tend to be far more complex than most people expect. 

Because of all the above mentioned, I set a limit on the number of questions I can do per session. In one session, I can do up to 3 questions. So 1-3 questions is considered 1 session, 4-6 questions would require 2 session sessions and 7-9 questions would require 3 sessions. 

Sessions are not done over the phone, as it is important for me to be fully present with the animal and their energy in order to receive the clearest information. We pick a time where the animal is likely to be calm/quiet and I connect with the animal at that time. 

Immediately afterwards, I type up notes of everything the animal shared with me and send that to the guardian via email. The benefit is that the guardian then has a record of the session and the answers provided by their pet, which they can refer back to whenever they want.

I can also communicate with animals who have crossed over the Rainbow Bridge so if you have questions for a pet that has passed away, that is also an option. In the case of communicating with animals who have passed away, we don't need to set a specific time for the session but everything else written here applies.

Fee is $100 per session (via Zelle, Venmo or Paypal) 

Details of Energy Healing sessions: (I also do energy healing sessions for humans and it works the same). These sessions are ideal when there has been an injury, a surgery or something else that is challenging for their body to recover from. These sessions are also a good fit for brand new pets, especially when you have adopted a rescue who may have experienced trauma. 

Additionally, these sessions are very helpful with aging pets when guardians are looking for information on how their pets are feeling both physically and emotionally.  It provides another data point to assist them in the decisions they are needing to make about their pet. These sessions are also very helpful if someone is looking for ways to bring support and physical comfort to their pet and can also be very powerful when facing end of life decisions, as I can tune into what an animal is feeling physically and emotionally in order to let their guardian understand things from their animals perspective.

Before the session, I ask the pet guardian to share what their concern is regarding the animals physical or emotional health so that I know what to focus on. (With humans, I ask them what their Intention is for the session so that I can focus on their intention and see what might be blocking them from it.)

During the session, which lasts about 1 hour, I tune into what I am picking up (physical and emotional information) from the animal. The session focuses on sending healing energy to those specific areas of concern - to clear where energy is blocked and to provide energetic support and comfort to areas that are weakened, etc. 

I work with the animal to allow them to bring the energy to any other area of their body that they feel could use support, as I view my work with animals (and their guardians) as a partnership. After the session, I share this information with the guardians (via email) so they are aware of what else might be going on with their animal, both physically and emotionally.

Furthermore, I provide information to the guardian if I sense that the animal may need to have a check up with their veterinarian (i.e. I can sense when something in their body feels off or concerning, where a trip to the vet may be in the animals best interest, for instance there are specific body sensations I feel when I suspect an animal might have a bladder infection or I will pick up on pain somewhere in their body that may need to be looked into further by your animal's veterinarian.) 

Immediately after the session, I write up a detailed summary of everything I learned and send it via email. A lot of people refer to my sessions as a "reading" because I usually pick up more information than someone expects to receive. i.e. a guardian may expect a sentence or two response from me but it often ends up being multiple paragraphs. Since there is such depth and complexity to the insights and guidance I receive, there is a surprising amount of information that can come through. Again, the benefit of the detailed notes is that the human client and/or the guardian have something they can refer back to to refresh their memories when needed.

Fee is $150 per session (via Venmo, Zelle or Paypal) whether it is for an animal or a human.

What I need before either type of session: 

Picture: I will need a clear picture of the animal (or the human) preferably one where I can see their eyes, as that is the easiest way for me to connect with their energy. (send to me via email)

Permission: Animals are more open to working with me if they know that their guardian supports the session. Their loyalty is with their guardian so if you tell your pet that you have asked me to work with them and why, the session will be much more successful. 

Animals also appreciate being shown respect so it is important that they know ahead of time that I will be connecting with them and when we will have the session so they don't feel caught off guard by my connecting with them energetically. I have found that sessions are much richer and more helpful when a guardian shares this information with their animal ahead of time. (and you don't have to be an animal communicator to do this - you can just talk to your pet, addressing the points above and they will understand)  :-) 

With animals who have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, I only need a picture of them and the questions their guardian(s) have for them. It never hurts to tell them you have asked me to connect with them, but they are usually pretty receptive to communicating with me either way.

What are my hours?

I typically book sessions between 12 noon and 5pm. I do my best to be as accommodating as possible so I have availability 7 days a week and when necessary I can find additional time slots.

Why I sometimes ask for more information:

Often times I ask guardians for additional information about their questions before a session with their pet. It isn't because I am not good at communicating with animals.  :-)  The reason I do this is so that I can communicate more specifically with their pet. For instance, a guardian may have a question like "Do you like your pet sitter?" I will ask the guardian why they are asking, as it is helpful for me to know what they are seeing/sensing that inspired the question. Is their pet acting strangely before the pet sitter comes? or afterwards? Does the guardian have concerns about the pet sitter? If so, what are those concerns? I am able to then use that information to more quickly address the guardian's question and get clearer information from their pet.

This is the case with many questions guardians have such as: Do you like your new food? or Do you like the veterinarian we are seeing? Do you like your new dog/cat sibling? Do you miss going to Dog Shows? How are you feeling? etc.  The more information I have about why the guardian is asking that question, the easier it is for me to get specific answers from their animal. 

For me and the way I work, the more open a guardian can be with me, the more helpful the information I receive from their pet will be. I view the relationship between myself and the guardian as a partnership - one where we work together so that I can provide the best assistance possible. 

Are you ready for a session? Have questions?

If you are interested in a session (animal communication or energy healing), or have questions not answered here, please email me at: reikimaureen@yahoo.com.

Follow The Nudges

Many years ago, after having a nice long walk along the shore, I sat down on the sand to watch the sun set. Once the sun was in its final decent, I was suddenly aware of how cold it had gotten and how frozen my feet felt. I couldn't wait to get home and put on a big warm sweatshirt and my Ugg boots. As I started to get up, out of the blue I got a nudge to sit down and wait another minute. I didn't want to, I really wanted to get warm - LOL - but something inside of me said, "Just wait" so I did. In less than a minute, the color of the sky changed so dramatically it took my breath away. I sat there with my jaw hanging open, so glad I had listened to that inner voice. In that moment, I no longer felt cold, or noticed that my feet had turned into ice blocks. For a few minutes I just sat in awe and took it all in. What I was seeing was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes and made my heart smile. 

This is what I refer to as a "nudge" . . . a sudden thought that seems to come out of no where that guides you in a particular moment. It could be a thought to do something or say something or maybe it is to NOT do something. You can call them anything you'd like. (a gut instinct? a random inspiration? etc.) What is more important to me is that we pay attention when these feelings or knowings come to us out of the blue.

I happen to believe we are constantly being assisted / guided through these nudges. I don't know exactly who is guiding us or giving us what I refer to as "nudges" . . . Do we have angels? I don't know for sure so I tend to just refer to the who as "The Universe" or an "Inner-knowing." 

Admitting this may make me "woo woo" in some people's book, which is fine. We are all entitled to believe what we want, right?  The purpose of this blog is to shine the light on this topic so that you might be more likely to notice if/when you get your own nudges. 

Over the years, I have learned that any time I received and followed a nudge, I was really glad that I did. Additionally, I have found that it is important to trust them and follow through on them, even when I don't know why I got the nudge in the first place. 

Sometimes if we are lucky, we get immediate feedback on why we got the nudge. Sometimes a lot of time passes before we understand why we felt inspired to do something. And yet there are times where we never know. For me, what is more important is to trust there is a reason - whether we know what that reason is or not.

Maybe you've felt a nudge to leave the house earlier or later, to take a different route or just stay still for a few minutes. Maybe it was a nudge to ask a niece or nephew how they were doing or the random thought to leave a party and get home.

As an example: Have you ever felt like you should take a pause before proceeding when you get a green light - and then a second later you see someone running the red light and realize they would have collided with you if you had already started driving? 

Or have you ever felt nudged to give a stranger a compliment or had a feeling that you should reach out to someone you had lost touch with? I believe that all of these things are examples of the guidance we receive. 

The past few years, I have had a lot of these experiences that showed up in big and small ways. One time, it was a nudge to walk over to the older gentleman who I saw walking around the parking lot as I was leaving the grocery store to see if he needed help (and he was grateful that I did because he couldn't remember where he had parked his car and together we were able to find it). Another time, it was a nudge to get an old group of friends together, not knowing that one of the people had been diagnosed with inoperable cancer and wouldn't be around much longer. 

Just last fall, I felt another nudge to write a letter to someone from high school. He was my high school boyfriend's best friend over 40 years ago and he was also the boyfriend of one of my best friends. We hung out a lot given our mutual connections. Out of the blue old memories of him were popping into my mind. Not in a "ooh, I wonder if we are meant to be together" sort of way - LOL - it felt more like a "reach out and let him know how much you appreciated his kindness and how grateful you are that he was so protective of you when you really needed to have someone stand up for you." (The truth was, when I thought about those old times, I could easily see that he treated me with more respect than my boyfriend did).

I was resistant at first. Not wanting to come across as a dork, I was sure he would think I had reached a new level of weird when he got the letter but the nudge wouldn't go away so I did it. It was actually pretty easy to write the letter once I got started because I truly did appreciate him and the way he treated me all those years ago so the words just flowed from my heart onto the page. I delivered the letter, he was gracious and thanked me and then that was it. Did I kind of still feel like a dork? Yes I did. :-) But I also trusted there had to be a reason I got such a strong push to write the letter. 

Just a few weeks ago, I received the sad news that this friend had passed away. Of course my first reaction was shock and sadness. My second reaction was gratitude that I had followed the nudge. At least he knew how much I appreciated him. I didn't have to wish I could have talked to him one more time because I had already shared from my heart how grateful I was for the way he treated me. 

Our nudges don't always lead to something so dramatic and so sad - often times they are quiet little bits of encouragement that make life a little bit easier, put a smile on our faces or in our hearts or they do that for someone else.  

I have found that the more we notice these nudges, the more often they come. (Or maybe the more often we benefit from what we had previously not seen or paid attention to.) All I know is that I feel grateful every time I receive and follow through on one. Maybe you feel the same way.

If you feel like sharing an example of a nudge you received and how you responded, I would love to hear it and I bet others would too. 

 

Did We Misread The Signs?

Over the years, I have observed that most people think that they communicate far better than they actually do.  :-)  

Let's admit it, clear communication is not always easy. Between our style differences and myriad of delivery options (i.e. text, email, phone or face to face) things can get muddy pretty quickly. 

On top of that, when we notice how often we make assumptions and/or how often our assumptions are incorrect, it adds another layer of complexity to something that could be pretty straightforward.  

One of my greatest learnings is that if we can continue to come from a place of curiosity, to ask questions before making assumptions (or to confirm or deny our assumptions) our chances of communication mishaps diminishes greatly. Add in some genuine compassion and the quality of our communication can get even better.

An example of this occurred over two decades ago. It has stuck with me for all these years because it made such an impression on me and has always served as a great reminder of how important it is to check our assumptions before we attach ourselves to them and how big of a role compassion can play in good communication. 

I was facilitating a 3 day off-site meeting for a team of managers that I had been working with for a few years. Several times a year, the Senior Manager of the group and I would get together and discuss challenges he was noticing in his organization. I would come up with a proposed agenda for an offsite meeting, with input from 1:1's with his team. Then together, he and I would refine the agenda to make sure it met his needs and objectives. Over the years, we worked together incredibly well and I really enjoyed working with he and his team. 

At this particular off-site, the team was unusually quiet. It dawned on me that the one person on the team who was always super engaged in these off-sites was not engaged at all. While he wasn't an official lead, he was a leader none-the-less. He was usually the first person to chime in with answers, thoughts and questions . . . and the more he participated, the more the other team members participated. Truth be told, he was my favorite person on the team, partly because he was such a nice person and also because I could always count on him to bring energy and enthusiasm to these team meetings. It was evident that he was genuinely interested in improving how their organization functioned.

During the first half of the day, he had been extremely quiet, not engaging at all and quite literally "checked out." I assumed maybe the agenda was not meeting his needs (and I had been doing some mental gymnastics over how I could have been so off-base with what we designed) or maybe he was tired of these off-sites or bored with me being the one to facilitate them. At the start of the lunch break, the Senior Manager expressed his concern to me, sharing that he also was worried about how disengaged everyone seemed to be. I told him I would do a little digging/exploring during the lunch break and see if I could figure out how we could get things back on track. I was able to check in with a few folks to ask how they were finding the session so far and they all said it was "fine" - which isn't always the response you want - LOL - but that was what they said.

I eventually found my favorite team member - who rather than eating with the rest of the team was walking around the parking lot by himself. In my head, I was trying out various conversation starters. "I've noticed you are really checked out today" felt too confrontational even though it was the truth. "What's going on with you?" also felt a little edgy. "Do you not want to be here today?' even said with kindness didn't feel right either. By the time I made it across the parking lot and was standing in front of him, out popped "Are you ok?" and then I was quiet. He said, "Ya, I am fine." but I knew it wasn't the truth. After a moment of silence I said, "Is there anything I can do?" and then added "Are we off the mark for what the team really needs from this session?"

I heard him take a big in-breath and then he exhaled loudly, like he was composing himself for what he was about to say. For a moment, I thought he was going to tell me to mind my own business or that he thought the off-site agenda was terrible so I braced myself for that . . . but then he began speaking and I was shocked by what he said. 

After gesturing his suggestion that we sit down, he told me that when he got home from work the previous night, he discovered his girlfriend had moved out. All of her things were gone, no note of explanation and no clue what had caused her to leave. He said he had tried calling her but she didn't / wouldn't answer. After a long sleepless night, he still couldn't shut his brain off, as he tried to figure out what he had done that made her so unhappy or what he had missed. Had she been trying to tell him something that he hadn't heard or understood? It quickly became apparent that he was doing everything he could to NOT cry in front of me. 

It was then my turn for a big in-breath and what I heard myself say next was a mixture of compassion, understanding and space. (In that moment, I didn't realize it was going to be so powerful and/or that it would become the way I responded most often from then on). 

Starting with telling him how sorry I was that this had happened, he attempted to wave me off, saying something like "it's not that big of a deal." I continued by saying "I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you when you got home last night - the shock and confusion." His guard came down a bit and he admitted it threw him off so much he was having trouble breathing at first. I quietly said "I am so sorry you are going through all of this." and then added "I can't believe you managed to come here today, I think I might have still been under the covers having a big cry if this had happened to me." 

That was it. Nothing fancy, just a compassionate response that matched his level of vulnerability. We sat in silence for a few more moments and then I said, "Will you let me know if there is anything I can do?" 

His response surprised me - it was as if compassion and understanding was what he needed - some "permission " of sorts to feel what he was feeling. 

He said he knew he hadn't been engaged all day and that he was sorry for that. He also added that he saw how quiet the team had been and he wasn't sure why because he knew the agenda was focused on what the team needed most. He promised to do his best to participate more the rest of the day. Assuring him that it was OK if he didn't, I reminded him that taking care of his own needs ought to be his priority while he processed his way through the shock of what had occurred the night before. 

Glancing down at my watch, I knew I needed to get myself back in the conference room and get the session restarted, so I let him know that and reminded him that he was under no pressure, that it was OK to take his time and that I would see him in the room if and when he was ready to return. As I was walking away, he said "You won't tell anyone what I just told you will you?" and I said "Of course not." Then I added "Thank you for trusting me enough to share it with me."

I offer up this example as something to consider - something to ponder. I am not saying my approach is the "right" one or a perfect one. (or that I manage to do this every time I am about to fall into the "assumption hole.") Certainly depending on the circumstances, a different approach may be needed. It is merely being shared as a way to demonstrate what kind of outcome we can get from a curious and compassionate approach. It can also help demonstrate how easy it is to fall into an assumption and how finding the appropriate question to ask is a very important step in the equation.  

The next time you catch yourself on the verge of making an assumption (or realize you just made one) maybe you can stop and ponder this:

- Am I sure this is true? Or it is an assumption I am making? 

- Do I have enough information to proceed?

- Is there anything that needs to be clarified?

- Am I taking this personally when it isn't about me?

- How can I ask a question without putting this person on the defensive?

- How can I demonstrate compassion? 

And as a final point, I have found that often our best interactions aren't from where we fixed an issue or gave the person the answer. It tends to be from when we listen more than we talk and where we give the other person the room to decide what they want to share and what they want to do next. 

It never ceases to amaze me how showing someone a little compassion can open the door for them to see their right next step. I personally don't believe our role is to "fix" people or give them the answers but rather to hold space for them while they find their own way.