The Downside of Labeling Someone

 Not all labels are bad . . . certainly if you are decluttering your house or garage, it can be very helpful to have bins that are labeled Keep, Donate and Trash as a way of speeding up the process. Labels that we attach to humans are not nearly as helpful though and can often hinder our relationships and our ability to see another perspective.

I have found that as soon as we attach a "label" to someone, we often stop being curious and we stop learning things about them. It's like we say to ourselves "Ok, they are in THAT bucket, no need to learn anything more about them." In our society right now we're relying on a lot of labels and we're pretty quick to toss someone into one of those "labeled buckets" and walk away.

Today, I'd like to ask you to consider something different.

What if rather than immediately judging someone and subscribing a label to them, you approached them with curiosity. Kind of a "Hey I'd like to understand more about why you did or said or believe that." You might be surprised at what you learn.

As an example, many years ago when Charlton Heston was the head of the NRA, I decided to stay home and watched the annual NRA meeting that was being broadcast on cable that night rather than go out with my friends. Much to my disappointment, when my friends found out why I was staying home I was immediately labeled "one of them" and treated as if I had somehow become someone they didn't like as much. No one asked why I wanted to watch the meeting or nor did they show any interest in understanding where I was coming from, which I found curious and disappointing (Thankfully, I didn't let it stop me from watching it).  Even later, when I tried offering up an explanation, I was quickly shut down with negative comments and jokes.

The truth was I had two reasons for tuning in.

1) Charlton Heston had been my most favorite actor since I was a little girl. I used to write letters to movie stars all the time and he was the ONLY one who ever wrote me back. He (Well, most likely his assistant) even sent me a couple signed black and white photos of him following the release of the movie Earthquake and my nine years old self was over the moon! I followed his career closely after that, never missed a movie he made. Over time, I discovered even more reasons to admire him for the person he was outside of a movie studio. He hadn't been making movies in recent years and I missed seeing him so I looked forward to watching him give the opening ceremony speech. 

2) I had been anti-gun my whole life. Frankly, I was afraid of them. Then I went to college in the Pacific northwest. Many of my classmates had very different views about guns because they had grown up around them and I regretted that I had never asked questions or shown any curiosity. I just slapped a label on them and that was that. (Well, that and I often found ways to make snide comments about guns whenever I could slip one into a conversation). So my second reason for watching that night was that I wanted to educate myself. 

I was shocked by how much I learned in just one night. Many of the things they spoke about in the meeting were in direct conflict with what I had been told and what I had read in all of my political and anti-gun literature, etc. There was a big disparity between what I had been told regarding their priorities and what they were standing for. I didn't know who was telling the truth but it made me want to explore it further before I blindly signed another petition or checked a box on election day. 

I never had any regret about watching the Annual meeting that night. Not just because it made me so happy to see Charlton again but because it opened my eyes to the fact that not everything I was being told was the truth. Often what we are told is SOME truth with a bunch of opinions and suppositions wrapped around it but the closer I looked at things, the more I began to see a trend emerging. 

Things were often written (by most everyone with a "cause") as a way to sway people one way or another, not necessarily to educate them. (I saw evidence of this in BOTH political parties). I began paying much closer attention to what facts/data were present in what I read vs. what seemed more focused on eliciting an emotional response and I was a bit stunned to realize how often the goal seemed to be more aligned with eliciting an emotional response without the facts to back up all the statements being made. The more I paid attention, the more easily I could recognize what was happening . . . that alone has been a very useful skill for me in the years since - especially lately.

The other things that I believe is dangerous about labels is that words we use can hold different meaning to different people. A humorous example of this was the time I was out with a large group of my work colleagues and I mentioned that I had been a cheerleader in junior high and high school. Over half the people at the table looked at me like they were suddenly smelling rotten fish, followed by "You were WHAT?" The look of distain on their faces told me that their definition of "someone who is/was a cheerleader" was very different than mine (and even different amongst them) Based on people's personal experiences with cheerleaders, the term might conjure thoughts of them being heart breakers or air-heads or mean girls. That was when I began seeing how charged certain words can be for each of us. Based on the experiences we've had, the way we personally define a word (label) can vary greatly.

My point in sharing all of this is that I believe the labels we are relying on so heavily right now are often keeping us locked in a state of polarity and judgment - an "us vs. them" mindset instead of helping us find common ground or seeing things from another perspective. These labels can keep us from seeing things from our hearts, it can keep us from understanding or feeling compassion for others. I think that as soon as we label someone, we miss out on the opportunity to see the person as a human being . . . a human being who has reasons for what they think, what they believe, the choices they make . . . and I guarantee you that not all the reasons are the same. How could they be? We are all individuals, who have had a wide array of life experiences and different challenges along the way. 

It is my believe that if we can stop labeling people, we can more easily look at others with kindness and compassion and this gives us the opportunity to see so much more. And if we can approach others with curiosity, I believe there is so much we can learn. Furthermore, if we can place more value on who a person really is rather than the label that has been assigned to them, we might be able to open the door to deeper relationships with them. 

Would you be willing to give it a try? You might be surprised by how much common ground is there and you may find a new level of respect for people you would have previously ignored or written off.

Our Acts Of Kindness CAN Make A Difference

 I am resharing this blog post from July of 2022 because I still have these same hopes. It is still my hope that this blog will somehow reach the man who made such a difference in my life, that it will help people see how impactful acts of kindness can be and that it will inspire others to keep helping others. No action is too small. I believe every bit of kindness can create ripples of positivity.

When I was in college, I was on the rowing team. Practice was at 5am, which was brutal enough but the closer it got to finals and the later into the evening I had to study, the harder it was to get my sleep deprived body up with that morning alarm. One particular morning, I woke up to see I had less than 5 minutes to get myself dressed and to the bus stop around the corner where our team bus picked up those of us in the surrounding dorms. I don't know if I forgot to set the alarm or if I set it and slept through it - all I knew is that I had to get MOVING. I managed to get sweats on, several layers of shirts and my socks when I heard the sound of the bus down the street. 

Grabbing my jacket and my tennis shoes, I went running out of my dorm room, flying down the steps outside hoping to make it in time. Luck wasn't on my side, as the bus pulled away from the curb before I could even make it across the grass in front of my dorm. The thing was I HAD to be at practice. Coach had been very clear - if we missed a practice that week, we would not be able to participate in the Regatta that weekend - so I needed to get to practice. Running behind the bus, I screamed and wildly waved my right arm, while my left hand clutched my tennis shoes and my jacket. There was half melted snow on the ground so my wool socks were quickly becoming very wet and very heavy but I refused to let that slow me down. I just kept running . . . yet when I heard Fr. Siconolfi shift the bus into a higher gear, I could feel my heart sink. There was no way I'd catch the bus now.

Just then a man pulled up in a small blue truck. He rolled down the passenger window (which he had to do by hand - this was in the 80's after all) and yelled "Do you need to catch that bus?" Gasping for air, all I could do was nod my head yes, so he opened the door from the inside and motioned for me to get in. Diving into the front seat of his truck, we were on the move before I had even pulled the door all the way closed. He quickly shared that his sons had played football and he knew how important it was to never miss a practice. 

I'm pretty sure he ignored all the posted speed limit signs as we flew down the road, making a hard left, then a hard right at the next corner. We were then on the two-lane straight part of the road. I remember this kind man had a very hot cup of coffee in a paper cup wedged between his legs so he could keep shift gears to keep pace with the bus and I also recall worrying several times that it was going to spill on him. 

Fortunately for me, he seemed as determined as I was to not have me miss practice so he did his best to stay lined up with the bus. Continuing to flail my arms wildly while yelling to get his attention, Father Siconolfi remained oblivious to the girl hanging out the window of the small blue truck. Fortunately one of my teammates, in their hazy sleep deprived state, finally noticed me and got him to pull over. Quickly thanking the man, I grabbed my tennis shoes and jacket and made a beeline for the bus. 

Over the years whenever I shared this story, hoping people would understand why I believed in the good side of humanity (and why I loved Spokane so much), most of the time they didn't get it. The part that most people latched onto was that "I got into a stranger's truck." They responded with things like "He could have been a serial killer" and "Maureen you are just way too trusting." (Geez, what if I was the serial killer? He would have been the one putting his life in danger by stopping to help me!!) LOL

I have continued to share the story though - in an attempt to illustrate my belief that there are wonderful people everywhere - people who are willing to lend a hand - showing up when we need them most and going the extra mile. At times we may have to pay more attention to notice these genuine acts of kindness but they are out there and they are in more places than we might see reported on mainstream media. 

I have thought of the kindness of this man so many times in the last thirty some odd years and I still feel so much gratitude for his help that day. What he did for ME has inspired me over the years to keep offering kindness and support to others. Sometimes when my faith in humanity wobbles a bit, all I have to do is pull up the memory of that morning and I am instantly reconnected with the remembrance of what he did for me that morning and the faith that it instilled in me. I believe that there are people like him all over the world - quietly making a difference without any expectation of accolades - merely doing these things because they feel inspired to take action. 

My only regret from that morning was that I never got his name so I was not able to thank him properly or as profusely as my heart wanted to. So this post has three purposes:

1) To encourage people to look for the good in humanity. If you take the time to look, you will see examples and it will likely result in you noticing even more of the ways people are being there for each other. (And let's face it, how can that not put a smile on your face and in your heart.)

2) To inspire people to stay open to the opportunities where they can support others and be the illustration of the goodness that exists in the world. You may never know how many ripples of kindness it will create yet I have seen evidence time and again where someone's act of kindness inspired someone else to do something kind. We have the power to make our humanity a force to be reckoned with and I believe that every effort we make can and will make a difference.

3) That someone who lived in Spokane back in the 80s might know a man who drove a small blue truck and would have been on his way to work at 5:00 in the morning, who has sons who played football. My hope is that by some miracle he will somehow end up seeing this. It would make me so very happy if he knew how grateful I was and still am for his help that morning and how much he has inspired me over the years. The funny thing is that I don't think we even did all that well in the Regatta that weekend but I got to be there and I got to row because thanks to him I didn't miss practice that morning. 

If you feel moved to share actions - either witnessed or done by you - that have restored your faith in humanity, please feel free to write about them in the comments. I'd love to see them and I bet others would too. 

ps: I keep thinking about the movie Powder (1995) and how a line in the movie gave me such huge goosebumps that I wrote it on a post-it note and placed it on the refrigerator so I would see it every day (and it was there for decades). If I recall correctly, Jeff Goldblum's character said something like "My hope is that one day our humanity will surpass our technology." That was and still is something I hope to experience as well . . . and I truly believe that we have the ability to create it.

Where Is Our Compassion?

In our current reality, that seems to be filled with polarity and division, where people are feeling helpless and hopeless, there has never been a time where compassion is more needed . . . so I find it quite troubling that our headlines are still filled with name calling and more attempts to keep us divided. I saw something this week that bothered me so much, I feel compelled to speak up and say something. 

The headline was about a news reporter who was confronted by a "crazy man" . . . this headline showed up over and over and over again . . . sometimes they changed the word from "crazy to deranged" but basically every headline made fun of and denigrated the man who approached the news reporter, Shaquille Brewster.  

My first thought was "Why on earth would they label the man that way?" I watched the short clip, which was the only clip I could find because every single news outlet showed the exact same thing and in it you can hear the man saying "Report accurately!" A man wants accurate reporting . . . why did he get labeled with such derogatory terms? 

The "scene" of this event took place in Gulfport, Mississippi . . . an area that had just experienced sustained winds of up ago 150mph from Hurricane Ida. Rather than labeling the man "crazy" or "deranged" why wasn't anyone asking if he was ok? If he wanted to make sure the reporter was reporting accurately, he must have had a reason for it. If he was acting aggressively, why wasn't anyone asking WHY? 

On the heels of 150pmh winds, do we know what this man has been through? Did he lose his home? His business? Was he missing loved ones? Did he have anywhere to go? Anything to eat? Did he need help of some sort? 

Yesterday, I saw another headline about this "event" so I clicked on the article to see if there was more information. The article was about the number of people who reached out to the reporter, Shaquille Brewster, to make sure he was ok.  Every article I clicked on said the exact same thing . . . it was about the outpouring of support he was receiving for being confronted on the beach the other day.  

What about the man who confronted him? Do we know if HE is ok? Do we know why he was so concerned about accurate reporting? Surely he must have had a reason for coming across as upset as he seemed to be. Do we know if HE needs support right now? Is anyone reaching out to him to make sure that HE is ok? Where is our compassion for someone who quite probably LIVES in Gulfport? (I am making that assumption based on the fact that from what I could tell, the only people in Gulfport at the time were residents and reporters - feel free to correct me if I am wrong). Why isn't there an outpouring of support for him? I couldn't fall asleep that night because I couldn't stop thinking about the man in the video . . . and the rest of the people who have been in the path of Hurricane Ida. 

I read today that flooding was already occurring in Gulfport. I sent all the love and compassion I could (and will continue to do so) . . . to the man in the video and to all the people who are being affected by Hurricane Ida. And yet, I know we can still do more. 

So where is our compassion?  I know it's out there but you'd never know it from what you see in the news.  The people who are being affected by these "acts of nature" all over the world need our compassion  . . . they need our support. They don't need to be called names and ridiculed in our headlines. I know we can do better . . . 

At times like these, I am brought back to some of my favorite music  . . . music I grew up on that always touched my heart and my soul. Today, I share the lyrics of one of my favorite Diana Ross songs:

Reach out and touch: 

Reach out and touch somebody's hand. Make this world a better place if you can

Reach out and touch, somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can

(Just try)

Take a little time out of your busy day to give encouragement to someone who's lost their way

Or would I be talking to a stone if I asked you to share a problem that's not your own

We can change things if we start giving. 

Why don't you reach out and touch somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can. Reach out and touch, somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can.

(Just try) 

If you see an old friend on the street and he's down, remember his shoes could fit your feet

Try a little kindness, you'll see, it's something that comes very naturally. We can change things if we start giving.

Why don't you reach out and touch - why don't you reach out and touch somebody's hand - make this world a better place if you can. 

ps:  I have since read that they issued a warrant for the man's arrest (with a list of charges that did NOT match anything I saw in the video) and then another update that he had been found and put in jail. Again, I ask - Where is our compassion??  Who is going to tell HIS side of the story? When are we going to decide that name calling people in the headlines (without looking at and reporting on the other side of the story) is something we won't accept?