Understanding things from their perspective

I have a friend whose dog developed an aural hematoma on his ear (a hematoma occurs when blood collects between the skin and the cartilage of the ear flap). They have had to drain it a couple of times and until it completely heals, his poor dog has been forced to wear a cone (e-collar) around his neck.

Recently my friend told me he had been teasing his dog about how funny he looked and how uncoordinated he was, trying to maneuver around the house with the cone on. He probably wasn't really teasing his dog. I think he told me that because he knew he'd get a rise out of me. (All my friends know that I don't believe in ever teasing animals or saying unkind things to them). We have the kind of relationship where we kid around a lot and give each other a bad time, so this was more playful banter than serious conversation.

I suggested that he try the cone on and wear it around the house for a while, and see he how HE liked it. :-) I thought he might develop some more empathy for his dog, if he knew exactly what his dog was experiencing with that awful thing around his neck. I jokingly told him I thought it was important for him to know how a cone affects how things sound, how challenging it is to do just about everything, things as simple as walking and eating, and suggested he not just try the cone on, but wear it for a whole day.

He emailed me a week later and told me he had worn the cone (although he didn't say for how long) and had been properly educated about what an unpleasant experience it is. He vowed to never tease his dog about the cone again. I told him I wouldn't believe he had worn the cone unless I saw it for myself. That wasn't really true, but I thought it would be funny to see if I could get him to wear the cone in front of me.

Last weekend, a mutual friend of ours had us over for dinner. I suggested he bring the cone and wear it during the evening. Amazingly, he did bring the cone with him, although understandably, he was hesitant to put it on at first. After dinner, he was a good sport though (after much goading) and put the cone on. He even let us take pictures. We were all laughing so hard, I am surprised any of the pictures turned out.

I didn't feel too bad about giving him such a bad time because I personally have worn a cone before. I did it because I wanted to understand why it scared Lucky so much. After that experience, I got it and from them on, I went out of my way to avoid making Lucky wear the cone. When she had hot spots on her hips, I put boxer shorts on her to keep her from licking the hot spots. I figured wearing boxers was a far better alternative to the cone and she definitely seemed happier.

For as silly as we all were being, I do think it is very important to understand things from our animal's perspective. I know they appreciate it when we put forth a little extra energy to see things through their eyes.

In The Air Tonight

When I was growing up, my parents disliked most of the music my siblings and I listened to. They were constantly telling us to "turn that noise down" and I remember my dad being especially critical of our music because they "sang the same line over and over again" and "obviously lacked creativity". :-)

So, it was particularly noteworthy, in 1981, when my mom decided she loved one of the songs we were listening to. It was "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. She liked the song so much, she would even let me put my album on her stereo downstairs, instead of the stereo in my bedroom. Us kids viewed it as a major breakthrough, a sign that we finally had something in common with at least one of our parents. :-)

When we were planning my mom's funeral a few months ago, we decided to put together a slide show of pictures of my mom's life to show during the service. There was no question in anyone's mind, we were going to play "In The Air Tonight" along with the pictures. No one even suggested an alternate song. We all just knew that was the right song to play.

Since my mom's funeral, I have heard that song almost every week, on at least seven or eight different radio stations and it's impossible for me to believe anything other than it's my mom letting me know she is still around.

The first time I heard it, it was a week or so after the funeral. The family had gathered together at my dad's house to celebrate mother's day and it was definitely not an easy day. I felt her absence so intensely. As I was driving towards the freeway on my way home, the song came on. I got goose bumps up my arms and teared up as I thought about my mom and how much she loved that song. I wondered if my mom was letting me know she was around but I wasn't ready to believe it yet.

The next week, I was driving up 280, on my way to an appointment, and the song came on again. At almost the same moment I realized it was that song again, I also realized I was driving past the exit you would take to go to the cemetery where my mother's remains reside. It made me tear up and I thought for sure, she must be letting me know she was around. A couple weeks later, when I was driving the other direction on 280, the song came on again, in almost the exact same spot, when I was about the pass the exit to the cemetery.

Almost every week, I hear the song, which I find odd, because it's not like it is a new song that you would expect to be overplayed on the radio. It is a thirty year old song - and yet, I keep hearing it again and again - and each time, it makes me smile.

The cool thing is, I am not the only one who is hearing it. I have had friends, who were at my mom's service, call and email me to tell me that they heard "the song from the slideshow" on the radio and that it made them think of my mom.

And on the subject of "signs from the other side" . . . a few weeks ago, it was Lucky's birthday, so I took the afternoon off and went to our favorite beach. It was what we always did on her birthday, so it seemed only right that I would keep up the tradition. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed walking along the beach, watching and listening to the ocean but I felt a slight amount of disappointment that I didn't see a single German Shepherd the whole time I was there. I wanted to know that she was still around me.

As I was getting ready to make my way back up the big staircase to where my car was parked (there are about 90 steps), I looked up to the top of the stairs, and took a deep breath to gear myself up for the walk up all those steps. Just then, at the top of the staircase, I saw a beautiful German Shepherd, excitedly waiting for her guardian to take her leash off, so she could make her way down to the beach. I just stood there, smiling . . . and waiting for her to make her way down the stairs . . . and feeling like it was Lucky's sign to me that she was still around.

When the Shepherd and her guardian got to the bottom of the stairs, I asked the guardian if I could pet his dog. He was very nice and kindly introduced us (her name was Lyka). She said hello and then wandered away when some smell caught her attention. Female shepherds tend to be a bit aloof, so I didn't expect her to visit with me too long, but when I told Lyka's guardian why I was at the beach that day (that it was Lucky's birthday and that I had lost her almost two years ago), Lyka came right over to me and was suddenly very friendly, even giving me a kiss when I leaned down to pet her. At that moment, there was no doubt in my mind that my sweet girl was giving me a sign that she was around me, that she was celebrating her birthday with me.

Losing someone is hard. Regardless of whether the someone is two legged or four legged, we feel the loss and their absence can make our hearts ache . . . and yet, I believe they are always around us, trying to comfort us and let us know they are still with us. I believe they want us to be happy, that they want us to live in the "now" and embrace the present for what it is.

I feel very blessed to know that my mom and Lucky are both making an effort to reach out to me and let me know they are still a part of my life, even if they aren't still physically here. I know they aren't the only ones . . . and if you have lost someone, I bet they are trying to give you signs as well. Open your heart and let the signs come in!

ps - I wrote this blog on 7/24. On 7/25, I got into the car to drive to an appointment and guess what song came on??? Yep - "In The Air Tonight"!! I think my mom was letting me know she enjoyed my blog!!!

Scientific Studies on Reiki

One of my friends sent me some interesting articles this weekend on Reiki and the effort that is being made to scientifically prove that Reiki actually works. While I personally haven't needed any "proof" other than what I have witnessed myself, I know there are a great many people who DO need that proof, so in many ways, this is a positive sign. I was going to cut and paste a few examples, but this whole article was so interesting, I decided to include the whole thing. If you know someone who isn't sure they "buy into this whole energy thing" maybe they would be interested in seeing some of the data that is being collected.

The article references a book called "Hands of Life" by Julie Motz. One of my clients loaned me her copy of the book and it was a fascinating read. Julie has worked in hospitals doing energy work before, during and after transplant surgeries, working with breast cancer patients, etc. She has had some incredible experiences and has bravely gone with energy where most others have been afraid to go, straight into the medical community. If you were interested in learning more about energy and the ways our bodies respond to it, I highly recommend the book.

- Scientific Studies On Reiki

(Excerpt from The Reiki Sourcebook by Bronwen and Frans Stiene)

Usui Mikao is quoted saying in the Reiki Ryôhô Hikkei that the mind and body are one. Recent studies in the world of science are beginning to finally comprehend that statement. Brainwaves and body pulses and their role in stimulating healing can all be measured today allowing the concept of Reiki, as spiritual energy, to be more widely understood by the medical community. The growth of the system of Reiki is benefited by this community awareness and acceptance.

The introduction of Therapeutic Touch by Dolores Krieger into nursing in the 1970s has increased interest in other energetic systems such as Reiki. This in turn has boosted the amount of research that has recently been undertaken using Reiki and other forms of energetic work.

The system of Reiki is also being accepted into hospitals across the world. Patients can often either bring their Reiki practitioner with them or Reiki is made available to them.

The article ‘The first Reiki Practitioner in our O.R.’ by Jeanette Sawyer in 1988 in the AORN Journal describes the steps that were taken to allow a Reiki practitioner into the theatre at the request of a patient during a laparoscopy.

Also in 1988, patients were given the opportunity to experience a 15 minute pre- and post- surgery Reiki treatment. More than 870 patients took part and as a result there was less use of pain medication, shorter stays in hospital and increased patient satisfaction. This was discussed in the article, ‘Using Reiki to Support Surgical patients’ by Patricia and Kristin Aladydy in the Journal of Nursing Care Quality.

Heart surgeon, Dr Mehmet Oz, has worked with Julie Motz who used Reiki on his patients. These patients had received heart transplants and had experienced open-heart surgery. She treated 11 patients in total and none of them had the usual post-operative depression. The bypass patients had no post-operative pain or leg weakness and the transplant patients experienced no organ rejection. Julie Motz has written about this experience in her book, ‘Hands of Life’.

Listed below are a number of trials tested on Reiki. For more research details there are some Reiki books with relevant research material, or personal observations, that have been written by both doctors and nurses. ‘Spiritual Healing’ by Daniel J. Benor has listed a number of Reiki trials as well as some very interesting trials on distant healing and healing through touch in general.

There are many aspects of Reiki that are being researched today. Some to see if Reiki speeds up healing, others to see if, how and whom it relaxes, to measure biomagnetic fields and to verify the concept of distant healing.

Here is a well-known trial completed using Reiki to examine its effect on human blood levels.

Human Hemoglobin Levels and Reiki
Reiki Healing: a Physiologic Perspective
Wetzel, Wendy (1989).
Published in Journal of Holistic Nursing 7(1), 47-54.

Purpose: The purpose of this study is to examine the effects of Reiki on human hemoglobin and hematocrit levels.

Procedure: The hemoglobin and hematocrit levels of 48 adults participating in a Level 1 course were measured. Demographics and motivation were also examined. An untreated control group was used to document the changes in hemoglobin and hematocrit under normal circumstances.

Findings: Using a t-test there was a statistically significant change between the pre- and post-course hemoglobin and hematocrit levels of the participants at the p > 0.01 level. 28 % experiencing an increase and the remainder experiencing a decrease. There was no change for the untreated control group within an identical time frame.

Conclusions: That Reiki has a measurable physiologic effect. The data supports the premise that energy can be transferred between individuals for the purposes of healing, balancing, and increasing wellness. Some individuals found that their blood levels went up while others went down which is consistent with the concept that Reiki is balancing for each individual.

This trial tests Reiki on patients with chronic illnesses using electrodermal screening.

The Efficacy of Reiki Hands on Healing: Improvements in Adrenal, Spleen and Nervous Function as Quantified by Electro-Dermal Screening
Betty Hartwell and Barbara Brewitt
Published in Alternative Therapies Magazine, July 1997, Vol. 3, No. 4, p. 89

Purpose: The purpose of this study is to evaluate the therapeutic effects of Reiki treatments on chronic illnesses using electrodermal screening.

Procedure: This study was carried out on five patients with life-threatening and chronic illnesses: lupus, fibromyalgia, thyroid goiter, and multiple sclerosis. Eleven one-hour Reiki treatments using 4 different Level 2 practitioners and one Reiki Master were performed over a ten-week period. These Reiki practitioners systematically placed their hands over the same body positions including the neurovascular regions on the cranium, neurolymphatic points on the trunk and minor chakra points on the limbs. No new conventional or alternative medical treatments were given during this period. Initially, three consecutive treatments were given and then one treatment per week for eight weeks.

Findings: The patients were tested three times during the study. 1.Before the study commenced. 2.After their third treatment. 3.After their tenth treatment.
Each individual was measured for skin electrical resistance at three acupuncture points on hands and feet. At the cervical/thoracic point the measurements went from 25% below normal to the normal range. The adrenal measurements went from 8.3% below normal to normal - some time between the middle and last measurements. The spleen measurements went from 7.8% below normal to normal after only three sessions. All the patients reported increased relaxation after Reiki treatments, a reduction in pain and an increase in mobility.

These trials are concerned with the effect of Reiki on pain relief and other symptoms.

Pain, Anxiety and Depression in Chronically Ill Patients with Reiki Healing
Linda J. Dressen and Sangeeta Singg
Published in Subtle Energies and Energy Medicine Journal, Vol. 9, No. 1: 1998

Purpose: To measure the results of Reiki and its effect on pain, anxiety, and depression in chronically ill patients.

Procedure: 120 Patients who had been in pain for at least 1 year were trailed. Their complaints included: headaches, heart disease, cancer, arthritis, peptic ulcer, asthma, hypertension and HIV. Four different styles of treatment were performed on 3 groups of 20 people. The 4 styles of treatment were: Reiki, Progressive Muscle Relaxation, no treatment and false-Reiki. Each of the groups received 10 thirty-minute treatments, twice a week over 5 weeks. Patients were examined before and after the series of treatments. Reiki patients were examined 3 months after completion.

Findings: Reiki proved significantly superior (p<.0001-.04) to other treatments on 10 out of 12 variables.

At the 3 month check up these changes were consistent and there were highly significant reductions in Total Pain Rating Index (p<.0006) and in sensory (p<.0003) and Affective (p<.02) Qualities of Pain.

Conclusion: Significant effects of Reiki on anxiety, pain and depression are shown here. Some possible variables were not controlled.

Using Reiki to Manage Pain: a Preliminary Report
alta.karino@cancerboard.ab.ca
Cross Cancer Institute, Edmonton, USA
Published in Cancer Prev Control 1997;1(2):108-13

Purpose: To explore the usefulness of Reiki as an alternative to opioid therapy in the management of pain. This was a pilot study.

Procedure: 20 volunteers experienced pain at 55 sites for a variety of reasons, including cancer. A Level 2 practitioner provided all Reiki treatments. Pain was measured using both a visual analogue scale (VAS) and a Likert scale immediately before and after each Reiki treatment.

Findings: Both the instruments showed a highly significant (p < 0.0001) reduction in pain following the Reiki treatments.

This trial is interested in finding out if it is possible to gauge the experience of a Reiki treatment using normal trialing procedures.

Experience of a Reiki Session
Engebretson J, Wardell DW
University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston, USA
Published in Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine. 8: 48-53, 2002

Purpose:To explore the experiences of Reiki recipients so as to contribute to understanding the popularity of touch therapies and possibly clarify variables for future studies.

Procedure: All Reiki treatments were 30 minutes long and performed in a sound proof windowless room by one Reiki Master. There were audio taped interviews immediately after the treatment in a quiet room adjoining the treatment room. The recipients were generally healthy volunteers who had not experienced Reiki previously.

Findings: The recipients described a conscious state of awareness during the treatment. At the same time, paradoxically, they experienced sensate and symbolic phenomena.

Conclusions: Conscious awareness and paradoxical experiences that occur in ritual healing vary according to the holistic nature and individual variation of the healing experience. These findings suggest that many linear models used in researching touch therapies are not complex enough to capture the experience of the recipients.

This particular trial is not specifically about Reiki but deals with the effectiveness of distant healing which is relevant to Reiki practitioners.

A Randomized Double-Blind Study of the Effect of Distant Healing in a Population with Advanced Aids
Fred Sicher, Elizabeth Targ, Dan Moore II, and Helene.S. Smith
Published in the Western Journal of Medicine, December 1998, Vol. 169, pp. 356-363.

Purpose: To find the effect of distance healing (DH) on AIDS patients during a six-month double-blind study.

Procedure: Forty patients with advanced AIDS were randomly divided into two groups. Half the patients received DH in addition to their usual medical care. They were not told they were being given DH. 40 healers from various locations throughout the U.S. with an average of 17 years of experience were used. The healers practiced a variety of healing methods including Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Native American, shamanism, meditative, and bioenergetics. Each of the treated subjects received DH for one hour a day for six days from each of a total of ten different healers, and this was performed over a period of ten weeks.

Findings: After six months, treated patients had significantly fewer outpatient visits and hospitalizations, less severe illnesses, fewer new illnesses, and improved mood.


Further Research
This page is an excerpt from The Reiki Sourcebook.

Raising money for Lupus

A few weeks ago, my brother, his partner, my sister, my dad, Casey, Duffy and I all participated in a 5K Walk/Run to raise money for the Lupus Foundation. It ended up being a very fun event and it felt good to be doing something to honor my mom. It was interesting to me though that my mom had Lupus for 54 years and yet, this was the first time we had done something as a family to raise money for Lupus. I guess the important thing is that we finally did something, even if it was after she was already gone.

Seven hundred and twenty seven people participated in the 5K and their preliminary count showed the event raised $69,000, a 40% increase over what they had raised last year at this event. While looking at their website, I saw that a drug had just recently been approved for Lupus patients. It is the first approved Lupus drug in 50 years (and they estimate that it would cost a person about $30K/year to be on the drug). I found that a bit disconcerting.

While I was happy to do something to help the cause, and happy to honor my mom, I did still have a small inner conflict . . . the same inner conflict I feel when I am at the grocery store, and the checkout clerk asks you if you want to donate to the cause of the month (this month it is Prostate cancer). It's not that I am against raising money to find cures for diseases, it has more to do with my belief that physical illnesses are rooted in emotional/mental beliefs. I feel sad sometimes that people suffer so much without understanding how truly empowered they are to improve their physical health.

Many years ago, I was introduced to a book by Louise Hay called "Heal Your Body." In the book, she lists out hundreds of physical ailments, what the potential emotional root cause could be and a positive affirmation to help you change the belief you hold. Admittedly, I was not opened to the book when I first saw it, because I didn't want to admit that my own thoughts and emotions could be causing the physical problems I was having. It felt too much like "it's my fault" and the last thing I wanted to feel was "at fault" . . . but over time, (and after being introduced to the book two more times) I finally began to realize how much truth there was in the book and how empowered I truly was to take charge of my health.

I have been pleasantly surprised to discover that the good majority of my human clients have the book too. I enjoy being able to refer to the book and gain insights from it when a client and I are working through some physical pain or illness they are dealing with. Some things can be resolved pretty quickly and some take a lot longer, especially if they are rooted in some really old well ingrained beliefs, but bottom line, I have seen evidence again and again that we really can heal our bodies.

An example of one that I can resolve pretty quickly. . . I used to get a stiff neck all the time and now I barely get them at all, or if I do, I can clear it up in a matter of hours. I'll never forget the first time I looked up "stiff neck" in Louise's book. It said, "Unbending bullheadedness." I laughed my head off because I couldn't deny the truth. Whenever I would get stuck in one of those "I'm right - No, I'm right" push/pull tug of wars, I would instantly get a stiff neck. Now, as soon as I notice what is happening, I can open my mind more to see the other person's perspective, stop being so set on my opinion . . . and the neck pain goes away.

One that I have been working on for years is my hypothyroidism. I was diagnosed when I was in 7th grade, so it's definitely rooted in some old well ingrained beliefs. The emotional root cause is, "giving up, feeling hopelessly stifled" which very accurately describes how I felt as a child and how I feel, on occasion, even now. I have managed to "heal" my thyroid enough that the doctors have twice lowered the level of medication I need to take every day. I hope to continue to heal those old beliefs and thought patterns, so that the dosage can continue to be lowered.

At any rate, I do wish more people realized there was a connection between what they think and believe and feel . . . and how it manifests itself as dis-ease in the body. We have so much more power over our experiences in life than most of us realize. We have the ability to heal the dis-ease that we experience, if we can allow ourselves to look more closely at our deeply held beliefs and decide to change them.

My family is already signed up for the next 5K Walk/Run to raise money for Lupus. It is in October and I will happily participate, to honor my mother . . . and I will also continue to hope that more people will begin to feel empowered to heal their bodies and their lives.

Cricket

My next door neighbors had to go out of town this past week because of a death in their family. They asked me if I could look in on their almost 15 year old dog Cricket for a few days. They just wanted me to feed him and let him out a couple times a day to go potty, but I told them that I would just bring him to my house, if that was ok with them. They were not expecting that but were pleased none-the-less that Cricket would get to have a 'vacation' while they were out of town.

I brought him over on Wednesday night and since he knows me and since we were just next door, I figured he would settle in quickly, but I was wrong about that. For the first two hours, he paced around the entire house, sniffing every inch of carpet, every nook and cranny, around and around and around he went. I tried distracting him with the dog treats . . . I managed to get him to lay down for a minute or two while I gave him a couple treats but as soon as the treats were gone, he was back to pacing around the house. Nothing I said to him seemed to help, so I decided to just let him do what he needed to do and knew that eventually he would tire himself out.

Having Cricket here was such a different experience for me than living with Lucky. For one, Lucky was very independent and "did her own thing" most of the time. By contrast, Cricket is a little on the needy side. He did not like to be away from me and followed me everywhere I went, including the bathroom. If I sat still for a while, he would finally lay down and relax but the second I moved, he would be up again, not wanting to miss out on a single thing that I did.

If the phone rang, he had to follow me into the kitchen to answer the phone. If I needed to go to another room for a minute, I would try to explain to him what I was doing and that I would be right back, but it didn't seem to make a difference. If I needed to get something from my office upstairs, he followed me up the stairs and then back down the stairs. When I did laundry, he was back and forth to the laundry room with me, observing as I put things in the dryer, or folded the dry clothes. It was almost comical. I never took a single step for three days without him at my heels.

I didn't sleep well the nights he was here, in part because he snored more than any dog I have ever known. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, trying to identify the strange sound I was hearing, then realizing it was Cricket "sawing logs" on his dog bed on the floor, I would roll over and try to go back to sleep . . . until a sound he was making woke me again. If I got up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom, Cricket was up, following me in there and trying to get me to pet him. I said to him several times, "Cricket, you are a sweetheart and I adore you, but you have got to give me a little space!" :-) But his desire for attention and companionship seemed to outweigh any desire I may have had for a little space.

Regardless of my lack of alone time while he was here, I couldn't help being entertained by him and I also found myself in awe that a big dog like Cricket (he's a lab/spaniel mix) could be so healthy and so mobile at his age. For those of us who have struggled through health challenges with our dogs as they grew older, you know what a gift it is to have an older dog who is doing as well as Cricket is. The only issue he has is a lack of hearing but even that didn't stop him from being able to track my every move. :-)

When his family returned, I brought him back home. He was thrilled to see them and they were grateful that he was well taken care of while they were away. I was glad I was able to help them in some small way, when they were going through such a difficult time. I'll confess, I did sleep really well that night and did enjoy going to the bathroom by myself. :-) But I also know that if they needed my help again, I'd take care of him again in a heartbeat.

My dad's birthday

My father had a birthday this week and even though we had planned to get together as a family to celebrate over the weekend, I hated the idea of my dad being alone on his actual birthday, so I invited him to come over for a home cooked meal on his official birthday. I invited Duffy and Casey, my parents dogs, to join us as well, which seemed to make all three of them very happy.

Before they arrived, I was filled with such a mixture of emotions, I could barely keep up with all the thoughts running through my head and heart. I was excited about them coming over, sad that it would be the first time I had ever celebrated my dad's birthday without my mom here and I knew that from now on, nothing would ever be the same. I worried that I cooked more to my mom's tastes than my dad's (an over-use of garlic), I felt happy and sad as I pulled out Lucky's water bowl and some of her toys for the boys to enjoy, and worried a bit about what my dad and I would talk about since I am happiest when I can talk about my feelings and my dad is happiest when he can avoid any discussion at all of feelings.

When they got here, my dad went straight to the restroom, and I laughed to myself as I was reminded that we were both cursed with the same tiny bladder. Casey quickly made himself at home, walking on the back of the couch, up the arm rest and over to the over-sized chair next to it, wagging his tail the whole time. Duffy was not as comfortable and started to panic that he couldn't find my dad. He ran in and out of every room in a frenzy and could barely breath until he saw my dad emerge from the bathroom.

Once we all settled down on the couch for some appetizers, conversation flowed easily. Much to my surprise, my dad even talked a little bit about his feelings, without my having to pry it out of him. Well, I did start with the question, "How are you doing, dad?" and he replied, "I'm doing fine." So after a pause, I followed up with, "How are you REALLY doing?" and then he did give me a more honest answer. Casey was happy to pick up where Lucky left off in the "unstuffing process" of one of the toys and Duffy occasionally reminded my dad that he too would like to try the appetizer.

We talked about the dinner he had a couple nights earlier with my brother and sister and he mentioned they had gone to Casa Lupe, a restaurant we have gone to as a family since I was a little girl. I was almost relieved I wasn't with them that night because I didn't know if I would be able to handle going to a restaurant that reminded me so much of mom. He asked if I had been there since they expanded and I said, "Yes, I put a picture of mom and I at Casa Lupe after the remodel in my blog . . . have you seen my blog recently?" and he said, "I've never read your blog."

I flinched inside, and I wondered if the day would ever come when I didn't still want my father's approval. My father must have noticed the flinch because he offered some additional explanation . . . that he doesn't spend much time on the internet and that he isn't into Facebook and that kind of stuff. For as much as I wanted to point out there there is a big difference between showing some interest in his daughter's work and Facebook, I knew that was not what was important at that moment, so instead I grabbed my laptop, pulled up my blog and showed him the pictures of mom that I had included in my recent posts. He seemed to enjoy the pictures and conversation began to flow again.

When it was time to eat, my dad assured me that he liked a lot of garlic, so dinner went well. The boys sat at my dad's feet, hoping that he might drop something . . . occasionally reminding him that they were still there, waiting patiently for a taste of his meal. I realized how much I missed sharing food with the dog laying at my feet so I grabbed some noodles without sauce on them to share with the boys and they were thrilled. When it was time for dessert, the boys didn't chime in, so I had to sing "Happy Birthday" all by myself :-) but I managed to do alright.

After dessert, dad and I continued to sit at the table, while guzzling glass after glass of water (did I mention I overdid it with the garlic?) and talked while the boys each found a nice spot on the couch to snuggle in for a nap. My dad and I found all sorts of things to talk about, so much so that we lost track of time. Everyone seemed happy and content, so it appeared that all my pre-dinner mental swirling may not have been necessary.

At any rate, the next morning, when I got up and saw dog toys on the floor and the couch, it made me smile in a way that told me I am more ready to get another dog than I had thought. As I thought more about the previous night, I was reminded of the importance of balance . . . my dad and I found some middle ground because I softened on my desire to talk about feelings the whole time and he was less stoic than he usually is. I realized that even though things will never be the same now that my mom is gone, it doesn't mean they can't be pleasant. They will certainly be different but different doesn't have to be bad. And finally, I reminded myself that what is really important is that *I* believe in what I am doing and as long as I believe in myself, that will be enough.

Honoring My Mom

The last few weeks have been so overwhelming, it's almost hard to wrap my mind around everything that has happened. To think that three weeks ago today, I was on my way to the hospital to see my mom . . . less than a week later, she was gone . . . a week after that we were holding a funeral service for her and now . . . a week after that, it's Mother's day.

In moments, I feel acceptance of her passing, in other moments, it doesn't seem real, and in other moments, especially on a day like today, I feel her absence deeply. I suppose it will be like that for a while.

Last Saturday, the funeral mass and reception for my mother ended up being a more beautiful and more enjoyable experience than I could have imagined. The church was filled with a couple hundred people who deeply loved my mother. For an empathic person such as myself, funerals can be extremely difficult, since I literally feel what everyone else is feeling, on top of my own feelings, but much to my surprise, all I felt was the incredible outpouring of love and appreciation for my mom. It made it much easier for a "sensitive" like me.

Since my mom was someone who loved to laugh and loved to party, we wanted her service to be upbeat and full of laughter . . . and it ended up being that and more. I know my mom was pleased to see all of her favorite people gathered together in one place, sharing some laughs and enjoying each others company. I had moments of almost feeling guilty that I was enjoying myself so much, as I visited with relatives, old family friends and neighbors, and joined in the fun of sharing stories about my mom that had everyone chuckling. I kept trying to remind myself that my mom would want us to be enjoying ourselves, and that she would have been disappointed if we sat around crying the whole time.

I have been wondering how my mom will let me know that she is around. The day after her service, I went to lay down on my bed in the middle of the afternoon and heard the strangest sound. It sounded like someone was walking between the ceiling and the floor of the upstairs. Since it was keeping me from napping, I got up to investigate. After about 15 minutes, I was coming up with nothing and was about to give up but something made me open the door to the side yard and much to my surprise, I saw a swarm of bees buzzing around the door. I realized the noise I was hearing was bees actually getting into the wall and cruising around between the first and second floor.

At first, I groaned "Not again" since I just had a bee hive removed from the upstairs wall last fall, but I didn't have the energy to worry about it right then, so I decided I'd just deal with it in the morning and went to lay down in the family room. The next day, I left a message for the Bee Guy and spent the afternoon rescuing bees from inside the house because I kept forgetting about the swarm and leaving the back door opened.

I wondered why the bees came back and I giggled to myself when I remembered that when we found the hive last fall, the Bee Guy told me that they had been building the hive for about a year - and it had been exactly a year since Lucky had passed away. I joked at the time that maybe it was Lucky's way of letting me know she was around. So, since these bees arrived the day after my mom's funeral, I wondered if Lucky and my mom were playing a little joke on me.

Amazingly, before I got a call back from the Bee Guy, the bees disappeared . . . they were just gone and they haven't returned since. It seems they only stayed long enough for me to get the potential significance.

My mom was always known as "The Rose Lady" because of her incredible rose garden, so I told my family the other day that I'll know my mom has visited me if a rose bush suddenly springs up in my backyard. While the rose bush may be a bit far fetched, I am going to continue to look for signs that my mom is around.

And today was definitely a day that I wished for a sign that she was around. I wanted to feel close to her, but my emotions seemed to be getting in the way. I put on an album we used to listen to together when I was growing up, and while it helped some, it didn't help enough. It was a challenging day for sure. I never thought about how difficult Mother's Day is for people who have lost their mother. The one thing that kept ringing in my head today was how much my mom loved to laugh. My mom's brother (and my god father) gave me this picture last week. It was taken when my mom was visiting him in Japan and the picture warmed my heart because I can feel her joy when I look at this picture . . . and it made me think, maybe that's how I will feel close to my mom . . . whenever I can find a reason to laugh.