Reacting Based on Half The Story (refresh from July 2020)

 Through most of my adult life, I had a very challenging relationship with my mother. I held firm to my belief that she didn't really care about me or my feelings and I viewed every action and every inaction through that filter.  

In my quest to heal the past, I discovered that my relationship with my mother began to unravel when I was in high school and sadly it could have been prevented if more honesty had been present.

It all started on a holiday weekend when my boyfriend came over with a couple dozen roses for me and not only would I not touch the roses, I would barely speak to him. My mother grabbed me by the arm, squeezing it so tightly her fingernails left deep impressions in my skin. Pulling me to the other side of the kitchen, she sternly told me that I was being an ungrateful little shit and that I'd better pull myself together and start acting the way I had been raised to act when someone gives me a gift. 

I remember feeling utterly stunned. I felt betrayed by her. I felt that she was telling me that "being gracious" - even if it was fake - was more important than the truth of why I was acting that way or the depth of pain I was feeling inside. I decided that she didn't understand me or care about my feeling and from that moment on, those were the "glasses" I wore when it came to my mom. Everything she did or said was seen and judged from that perspective.

But the truth was, my mom didn't know WHY I was acting that way towards my boyfriend because I never told her. 

What she didn't know was that the day before, he and I had been with our two best friends "celebrating" the holiday weekend aka "doing some underage drinking." My boyfriend had way too much to drink and in his drunken stupor he had decided that he was tired of waiting for me to be ready for sex and he had attempted to rape me. If his best friend hadn't heard me screaming and come to my rescue, he likely would have been successful. His friend pulled him off me with such force, he slammed him up against the wall. Too scared to move, I remained where I was on the floor, huddled in the corner of the room, my heart pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. My best friend rushed to my side, while his friend dragged him out of the room, berating him for what he had just done to me.

I hadn't even had a chance to start processing what had just happened when his best friend ran back into the room to tell us that my boyfriend had announced he was going to kill himself and took off in his car. I remember saying, "He's driving?" He was so drunk he could barely walk - I shuddered to think he was behind the wheel of a car. We all rushed out to the front yard but he (and the car) were nowhere in sight.

At that point the tears began flowing, although it was such a jumbled mixture of emotions, I felt like my head was going to explode. I just sat there on the front lawn and sobbed, my chest heaving up and down, sandwiched between his best friend and mine, with neither of them knowing how to help me in that moment. 

I felt angry and betrayed by my boyfriend . . . I was afraid of him and what he was capable of . . . I was scared to death that he was going to actually kill himself . . . . I worried that it would be my fault if he did. My sixteen year old self wasn't able to cope with all that had just happened. I needed him to come back and be ok and yet a part of me didn't want him to come back because he had broken my heart and my trust so deeply. Everything was swirling around so quickly inside of me, I was sure I would throw up.

He eventually came back - and while I was grateful he didn't kill himself - I think it was our relationship that died that day. It was just never the same. The events that unfolded that day impacted me in more ways than I understood at the time. It took years for me to unravel the myriad of ways that weekend had shaped my beliefs and my own behavior . . . to see and understand why certain things triggered me into unconscious reactions from that point forward.

The next day, I chose to put most of the blame on my mother. I made her the "bad guy" in this because I thought she didn't care about what happened to me and how scared and confused I was. In my mind, she was trying to force me to act in a way that was about "keeping up appearances" instead of showing me any compassion. My boyfriend claimed he had blacked out and didn't remember what had happened (which was entirely possible) so there was no way I could talk to him about it. Our friends didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't sure I could talk about it either. I think all of us wanted to pretend it hadn't occurred. 

I didn't tell my mom what happened and I blamed her for that too - justifying that she hadn't ASKED me why I was acting that way towards my boyfriend - which to me was proof that she didn't care. I further justified my silence by holding the assumptions that she wouldn't understand or that she wouldn't believe me or that she would think I was being overly dramatic about the whole thing or that I would get in trouble for drinking. And yes, I had good reasons for making those assumptions, but I never gave her the chance to show me something different because I was so set in my beliefs. I had found someone to blame - end of story.

But the truth was - SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED. She didn't know the TRUTH because I didn't tell her. I didn't take responsibility for the fact that she didn't know. I was content to stick with my version of the story for decades - that my mom didn't care about my feelings. Sticking to my version of the truth kept me from having a better relationship with my mother - I see that and own that now.

So why am I recounting this highly dramatic event from my past today? Because it highlights what I see happening in our world right now. We are in an incredibly emotionally charged time and I see people doing so many of the same things . . . Can you see all the parallels?

- Blaming people for what they are doing/not doing without understanding the whole story.

- Reacting to things without having all the information. (and I say that with understanding not blame, as it is not easy to access truthful information or to discern what IS true out of the sea of conflicting information out there) 

- Shaming people for not knowing the truth, when they haven't been told the truth or are unable to find it.

- Holding onto our beliefs (and our version of the story) so tightly that we can't see anything else.

- Deciding how people are going to react before they have a chance to show us anything different.

At this moment in time, many of us are so caught up in the emotions that are surging forth that we often can't see outside of our own stories or see the bigger picture. If we continue on this path, I believe the divide between us is going to get wider and wider. Our relationships with others might become so damaged they will be nearly impossible to heal. Our ability to come together to find resolutions may also be greatly diminished. If we operate so heavily from a place of fear like that, we might even forget what it is like to feel love and connection.

So here is my challenge to you . . . would you be willing to do any of the following? 

- Listen to someone else's point of view with an ear towards where your beliefs might be in alignment instead of where they are different.

- Consider the possibility that we may be reacting to misinformation or "half of the story."

- Remember that we need many of the same things . . . to be heard, to be understood, to be supported.

- Offer compassion to others - whether we agree with them or not.

- Look inside and see where we can take some responsibility for what is occurring or where we can take some action, instead of just judging others for what is happening.

- Be open to new information that may not line up with what we have always believed to be true.

- Ask ourselves: Do I want to know the truth? Or do I want to believe that I "know it all"? 

Furthermore - Can we consider the possibility that we have ALL been lied to about what is really happening in the world and that maybe none of us know the full truth / the full story?

We can continue to believe "our side/story" is right and the "other side/story" is wrong if we want . . . but we just may find that both sides are equally flawed and equally complicit. Do you want to stay in that place of separation? If you do that is ok too.

I believe the time is upon us to make a change . . . to open our ears and open our hearts . . . to come together and unite - with compassion . . . to find out way to peace, love and unity. We can change this world we live in if we choose to . . . one moment at a time . . . one day at a time . . . one person at a time. It truly is up to us. The question is: What are you going to choose? 

P.S.  For those of you who are concerned and/or feeling sorry for me regarding the story I shared, please know that everything is ok now. Gratefully my mom and I were able to reach a place of resolve and forgiveness before she passed away and my high school boyfriend and I are actually at peace with each other (with a lot of effort over the years to work through our past and find understanding and forgiveness.)  I am happy to say that I was finally able to heal all the drama and trauma that occurred from that holiday weekend. It is probably the reason why it was easy to share this story because we all managed to reach the "other side" of it - therefore it was / is possible for it to be a "neutral example." 

The Various Ways Animals Communicate

In honor of Jane Goodall (who passed away yesterday) and the profound impact she has had on me my whole life - I dedicate this blog to her. As a little girl, she was someone who inspired me to keep following my heart when it came to animals and my belief that they really do have feelings. Her life's work validated everything I sensed about animals and have continued to learn about them. She inspired me to keep trusting my path and my intuition, to keep having the courage to educate people about animals - about both their intelligence and their emotional capacity and to speak up for them whenever I could. Her loss hit me hard yet I also know it is a call to keep advocating for animals, sharing what deeply wise sentient beings they are and to continue encouraging pet parents to develop and strengthen the relationships they have with their own animals. I have found that many pet parents just need some encouragement to trust the inner-knowing / intuition they have when it comes to their own animals. That has long felt like part of my role here . . . to help animal guardians build their animals communication skills. 

People often ask me exactly how animal communication works. They want to know if I actually hear answers to the questions I asked animals or if I got the information another way. I really had to think to answer the question at first, because it wasn't a simple answer and because I have been able to communicate with animals since I was a little girl, it's not something I even thought about anymore. 

I get information in so many different ways . . . by actually feeling what the animal is feeling, by pictures they share with me that I see in my mind (that then often need to be interpreted), by watching their reaction to the things that are said in their presence and sometimes just by "knowing" the answer without having to even think about it - as if information was just put into my head. (You could call this telepathic communication).

Chances are other animal communicators get information in other ways as well. There isn't just one way to communicate with animals as we each have their own styles - and animals have their own way of sharing information with us.

I believe we all have the ability to communicate with animals, it's often just a matter of developing the skill, so maybe this information will help you in your own quest to communicate with your animals. In the event that any of you are as curious to learn more, I thought I'd share a few examples of how I pick up information. 

When I pick up what the animal is feeling, I literally feel their feelings. It is often in response to a question or what someone has said, like the time one of my clients asked me how their dog was feeling about an upcoming trip and I immediately felt anxiety running through my body. Or the time I was working with a dog and one of his guardians made a comment about how dumb he was, and I immediately felt sadness and some frustration. When I said, "I don't believe he is dumb at all, in fact I believe he is quite smart" the dog immediately ran over to me and licked me. 

Sometimes the information comes from pictures I get in my mind. The other day, I was giving a reiki treatment to a dog who had never had one before, although the humans and other animals in the house have had reiki treatments before. I was commenting to the guardian that I was surprised at how calm he was, as often animals are a bit guarded the first time they get a reiki treatment and as soon as I said it, I got an image of one of the other dogs in the house. I laughed and said, "Oh, Gus told him what to expect, that's why he isn't nervous." 

Another way I get information is just by watching the animal I am working with. This used to be much more prevalent when I was working with animals in person rather than the distance work I do now but I still notice it quite a bit in my interactions with animals that visit my yard (birds, squirrels, cats, etc) or when I am at a friend's house who has animals. I have learned over the years that it is important to pay attention to what is being said in the presence of animals because their behavior will often tell you how they feel about what they are hearing. 

One time, I was working with a dog who had severe separation anxiety. The dog was relaxing on the floor with me and her guardians, enjoying the energy healing, when the guardians brought up a recent incident where the dog had chewed up the inside of their car during a bad bout of separation anxiety. The dog immediately jumped up and hid on the other side of the room. There wasn't any other interpretation besides "the dog feels really bad about doing that to your car." Her guardians assured her that they weren't upset with her, they were just worried about her and wanted to help her feel less anxious. Once they said that, she walked back over to where we were sitting on the floor and laid down in front of me, ready to resume her energy treatment. 

It's a little harder to describe the last way I pick up information . . . when something is just in my head. One day I heard the buzz of a hummingbird and looked up from what I was reading. Right there in front of me was a beautiful hummingbird, idling steadily at eye level for a minute. The next thing I knew, I was saying, "I'm sorry, I'll take care of it now." It took me a second or two to figure out what I was responding to because my response was so automatic, but I quickly realized the hummingbird told me that the water in the feeder needed to be changed. As I had promised, I immediately got up, washed out the hummingbird feeder and refilled it.  With telepathic communication, we don't always "hear" something yet we seem to "know" something we didn't know a second earlier or we suddenly have an idea that just pops into our minds. 

As I mentioned before, I believe we all have the ability to communicate with animals. It's just a matter of paying attention to what we sense and then learning to trust that information if we are interested in exploring this. So, when you are talking to your animals or other animals you encounter, watch how they react to what you say, pay attention to how you feel and what pictures pop into your mind. You may be surprised by what you can pick up yourself. From experience, I would say, learning to trust what you pick up is actually the more difficult part of learning to communicate with animals, but in time, that trust will come. 

Give it a try and see what you able to do yourself! I think animals will appreciate the effort, regardless of how good you are at first. 

p.s. I also believe that it will become more and more "normal" for animals to communicate with us telepathically. Not just "animal communicators" but ALL of us. Therefore, I think the more open we are to "hearing them" the more easily their messages will reach us.