What Are You Focusing On?

 It is my belief that as long as we hang on to our differences to such a degree that we don't like other people or we blame them for what's happening in the world, we can end up perpetuating those types of experiences. Conversely, if we can accept that others hold a different view or belief and focus instead on what we DO agree on or what we DO appreciate about each other, we can have relationships that are much more peaceful and freeing.

This blog I wrote a few years back offers some more thoughts on the options we have to navigate the road ahead. There might be some nuggets in here for you to ponder on.

Some of my best friends from college and I were sharing our most favorite song at that particular time and while I was writing that blog, a response came through from one of them mentioning U2's "Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way" which couldn't have been more perfectly timed for what I was writing.

My other friend said that his current favorites were both by Cody Jinx . . . "Hippies and Cowboys" and "Somewhere in the Middle" . . . I laughed and said "So basically songs about the 3 of us?" 

From our original gang of eight close knit friends, I have remained the closest to these two guys. Our friendship is just as strong now (maybe even stronger) than it was back then. Interestingly enough for as long as I can remember, the three of us have held different positions on a lot of things . . . . whether it was politics or religion or the music we listened to. As an example, one of us would only listen to country music, one of us would only listen to alternative music, one of us was willing to listen to both . . . One of us was a hardcore Catholic, one of us was a semi-present Catholic and one of us was raised without any religion at all. And yet, it didn't stop us from being really close friends.

While reflecting on our connection, I've realized how much things have shifted over the years. Where we used to argue and debate our stance back in the day, we've moved to a place of accepting that we have differences and it doesn't stop us from appreciating each other and the friendship we share. If we DO talk about those topics, it is usually with a desire to understand where the other is coming from, rather than looking for an opportunity to pounce and tell the other one why they are wrong. 

I've also been fascinated to observe that we've often changed positions over the years. The one who wouldn't listen to country music now loves it and the one who would only listen to country music now listens to a whole variety of music. The one who was raised without any religion ended up converting to Catholicism, while another one has moved away from religion completely. There is a fluidness to it all. I can see that nothing is ever cast in concrete and we shift and change when we want to, not because we got beat down by the opinion of others. We are free to keep shifting and changing who we are. Granted, the three of us aren't perfect so occasionally we slip back into old ways and tease each other over a difference here or there but the majority of the time, we allow for those differences to be there.

The reason I am sharing all of this is because I can sense that this is something that will help us all navigate the road ahead. As long as we hang on to our differences to such a degree that we don't like other people or we blame them for what's happening in the world, we can perpetuate those types of experiences. As long as we ridicule and shame others for their beliefs, the more unhappiness and upheaval we will likely experience . . . and the more difficult it will be for everyone on the planet.

Conversely, if we can accept that others hold a different view or belief and focus instead on what we DO agree on or what we DO appreciate about each other, we can have relationships that are much more peaceful and freeing.

It's important to remember that accepting is not the same as agreeing. We don't have to all AGREE on every single issue in order to have a respectful relationship. If we can accept that we are going to have differences and focus instead on what we have in common, where we have shared beliefs or shared hopes for the future, it will go a long way toward shifting and uplifting our relationships. If we are able to accept that everyone is on their own journey, learning and growing in their own time and their own ways, the opportunities for peace and building bridges can present themselves even more rapidly.

I feel blessed that these two guys are still in my life. Regardless of where we are different, I know that any interaction we have is going to include a ton of laughter because we seem to bring out the best in each other when it comes to wit. I also know that no matter what, we will always show up for each other because we see each other with our hearts first. 

We have that choice every day. To use our hearts to help us see. To use compassion to help us connect. To hold space for others who are on a different path. At least for me, taking that approach makes life a whole lot sweeter. 

Another Review of Lucky For Me

This past week, my book Lucky For Me was reviewed by Readersfavorite.com. I was delighted to find out that they gave it 5 out of 5 stars! 

I have shared the review below in case anyone reading my blog is still unsure if they want to read my book. Maybe this will inspire you to make a purchase.  :-)

And for those of you who HAVE read my book, if you feel compelled to write a review I would definitely welcome that! You can post your review directly onto my book's page at Amazon.com Amazon ebook or send it to Riversanctuarypublishing.com  https://riversanctuarypublishing.com/shop/lucky-for-me/ - or both! 

Since there are many people who like to read reviews before making a purchase decision, every review is helpful. I am grateful for every bit of support! 

While book sales are always welcome, for me this is more about Lucky For Me reaching the people who it can provide the most assistance to. That has been my heartfelt wish all along - for our journey to provide support to others. In the prologue I shared a bit about why I wrote the book. Here is that paragraph from the prologue: 

I know I am not the only person who has had an intense bond with their animal, nor am I the only one who has gone to extremes to help an animal recover from the abuse they suffered or heal their own trauma. My intention in sharing our journey is to light a path for those who find themselves with similar challenges. Whether you are someone who is extremely sensitive and feels things very deeply or you are trying to heal the past or you are in a process of self-discovery, my hope is that you’ll experience some “aha” moments and points of connection through this book that can assist you on your own journey, and maybe even inspire you to find your way to a deeper understanding and appreciation of all you have to offer too.

Review by Foluso Falaye for Readers' Favorite:

Maureen Burkley's Lucky For Me is the author's story about her tough but highly rewarding journey with her dog. The author's German Shepherd, Lucky, went from a traumatic experience as a puppy to being rescued by a caring human. As Maureen drew closer to Lucky, she found out about the dog's health challenges and other signs of the lingering effects of trauma. However, she also saw herself discovering similar battles as she strived to be the best human friend to her dog and attend to Lucky's needs. From hospital visits to water therapy and chaotic encounters with other dogs, Maureen's journey with her dog is captured in a very compelling tale. Get ready to meet a resilient and caring human and her playful and adorable German Shepherd in this deeply poignant memoir.

The many profound deductions in the book are quite enlightening. I found myself pausing to reflect on the author's thought-provoking observations, such as her belief that animals "come into our lives to help us reconnect with our true selves." Maureen Burkley's determination not to give up on Lucky, despite being advised to, and the dog's multiple challenges inspires you to tackle any situation life throws at you. Lucky's recovery process and struggle with trauma are depicted well alongside Maureen's challenges with her family and other personal issues. The author's experiences in difficult moments and being on edge when she took her dog outside reveal that her dog rescuer role was far from easy. This soulfully written memoir will make animal lovers feel deeply emotional and captivated from start to finish. I feel very fortunate to have read Lucky For Me.

Trust vs. Suspicion - repost.

 Reposting this blog that I wrote in June of 2016. I noticed that it has been getting a lot of interest via the stats on my blog so I thought - what the heck - I will share it again!  Kino taught me so much about finding balance between our two "styles" - strengthening the attention I gave to HIS reaction to people and places and being even more mindful of the energy that I feel. So, in honor of my sweet furry teacher, here is the blog again! 

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One of the big differences I have noticed between Kino and I is that I tend to be friendly to everyone I meet, while Kino always has his guard up. A perfect example of this was the other day when we stopped to get gas in the car.

As I got out of the car to start pumping gas, I gentleman was getting out of his truck on the other side of the pump.  We smiled and said hello to each other and Kino promptly began barking in his most vicious sounding bark.  It is just what Kino does (bark first, ask questions later) so I am used to it but not everyone else is as comfortable with his vicious barking, so smiling at the man, I said, "He's just letting you know that he's here to protect me." He laughed and told me he had three dogs at home and that they were equally protective. 

As I filled my tank and washed windows, the man and I continued to chat.  He told me more about his dogs and we chatted a bit about animal behavior. At one point, I realized Kino had calmed down and was sitting in the back seat as quiet as a church mouse, just listening to us so I pointed to my now quiet dog and smiled.  Laughing, the man said, "Well, he put me on notice and once he was sure I heard him, he must have felt his job was done." We had a good chuckle, then wished each other a pleasant rest of the day. 

The truth was, I knew the man had "passed muster" so to speak. Kino issues a "warning" to anyone who gets close to me, but if their energy is good, he will back off and become very peaceful. I have learned to only be concerned if his barking continues because that is Kino's way of letting me know that something about the person's energy is making him uncomfortable.

I was thinking about this while we were on a walk the other day and I recalled classes I used to teach in the corporate world on trust. There was a model we used as part of the curriculum to help people understand our different approaches to trust. There is a whole lot more behind the model, but at a high level, it covered the following:

Roughly 45% of the population is "Trust Until" which means they go into each new encounter trusting until the person gives them a reason not to.  Another roughly 45% of the population is "Suspicion Until" which means they go into each situation with suspicion until the person gives them a reason to trust.  Then there are 5% of the population that are "Trust Still" in that they stay in trust no matter what the person does and 5% of the population that are "Suspicion Still" meaning they continue to be suspicions no matter what the other person does. 

As we continued walking, I contemplated this difference in Kino and I . . . I am a "Trust Until" and he is definitely a "Suspicion Until." We are wired differently and since I don't think it is possible for either of us to change the other, all I can do is accept and honor our differences. This means that instead of getting mad at him when he barks at strangers, I'm better off accepting that he is going to do it. It doesn't mean I have to be any less friendly to people I know or strangers, because it is who I am as a person. I've decided my best strategy in dealing with strangers may be to inform them that Kino means no harm, he just feels compelled to put people on notice.  :-)

So, are you a Trust Until? or a Suspicion Until? How about your pets? Are you wired the same? or wired differently? How about your friends? Your co-workers? Family members? 

It's important to remember that one is not better than the other, as there are pros and cons to both. Sometimes, understanding how we are wired makes it easier to navigate in this world (and at home and in the work place, etc.) 

Accepting instead of judging those who are wired differently can create some pretty amazing benefits as well and show us new paths forward. We can look at our relationships with people who are Suspicion Until and ask ourselves "How can I help this person feel more comfortable?" or we can ask them "What do you need to have a higher degree of trust?"

I think the key is to not only be very clear on who you are, but to love and accept that aspect of yourself. It then makes it easier to love and accept others for who they are and how they are wired. Could be fun to start observing this in your relationships - not just with animals but with all the people in your life too!