Say What You Need To Say

When I first set out on a mission to "find my voice," I discovered that my biggest blocks came from being a people pleaser who really wanted to be accepted and liked. Those two things were such a huge part of who I was, they were usually all the motivation I needed to keep quiet about what I thought. Needless to say, it took me years and years to reduce the size of the blocks, chipping away at them little by little, until they no longer stood in my way. Next came my fear of hurting someone's feelings which took another large chunk of time to sort that one out and learn how to speak up in a way that honored both myself and the other person - doing my best to never hurt someone else's feelings.

Yet as we all know, there are so many layers and levels to "finding your voice" - as well as a myriad of reasons why people don't say what is on their mind, so the exploration continued. Sometimes it is about not knowing how to express what we are feeling or being SO upset in the moment that we can't find the words or we choose to wait until we can speak from a calmer space but by the time we get to that calmer space, it often feels like it's "too late" to say something. 

For me, sometimes it can come down to not wanting to put my energy into a fight or create anymore negativity so I say nothing. Or I do not want to come across as "difficult" so I keep my mouth shut. It seems I also bought into the belief that not saying anything was the heart centered solution.

Bottom line, when we are on a journey to set our vocal chords free, there can be a LOT of different root causes and a lot of avenues to pursue. 

I totally understand that not everyone is plagued with this issue . . . many people I know have never had trouble speaking up. Clearly this is a topic that is geared towards people like me who have spent years (or decades) learning to find our voices in a myriad of scenarios. 

While this is something I have worked on for decades and progressed quite nicely, I recently stumbled across one more layer to this that was a bit of a blind spot. From what I am witnessing, I don't think I am the only one who has unknowingly been tripped up here. 

Many of us were taught that there are times it is best to "say nothing" because it is the "polite thing to do" (or the oft highly regarded "high road" as I was taught), where you have the grace and the class to just let something go. It is something my mother said repeatedly through-out my childhood and I have observed that there is quite a lot of pressure to take that noble "high road" in our society too. 

Upon reflecting on it, I can see that this concept of not saying something often gets presented as what a mature, emotionally grounded person would do - to say nothing and "just let it go." Sometimes that truly is the case - but not always. 

I have been questioning all of this a lot lately . . . Wondering if the "high road" is all it is touted to be? . . . What if it is one more way we've been taught to suppress our own voices? In many communities I am involved in, I have observed that people are often encouraged to "not say anything" and show that you are the "bigger person" but what if in many of those instances, we are actually being presented with an opportunity to speak up for ourselves? What if THAT is the muscle we need to further develop? 

What I have come to understand lately is that by remaining quiet, we might just be cutting off our own voice. In those instances, could we be unconsciously stifling our own feelings about something? While it may feel like the "noble" thing to do, what if we are actually dishonoring OURSELVES when we "let it go" without saying something?

For me the challenge is to find a way to speak up - without blame, accusation or drama - yet to say SOMETHING that honors myself and my own feelings. What I am learning is that if I am speaking from the heart and from a place of integrity, it can be incredibly freeing. 

I'm not suggesting that we go back in time and bring things up from the past. What I AM suggesting is that if something presents NOW - if a situation is in front of us again - then maybe it is a sign that now is the right time to approach it differently. Now might be the perfect time to re-evaluate that previous choice. 

Is it time to step away from the proverbial "high road" (or whatever you want to call it) and speak up if we have something to say? What if now is the perfect time to honor ourselves and to let our feelings be heard? 

Of course only YOU will know what is best for you in each NOW moment . . . I just offer this up as something to consider in case you too have been pondering this or accidentally stifling your voice as well . . . maybe it's time for us to all set ourselves free.