Match or Mismatch? (Refresh of an older post)

This post was originally written back in November of 2019. I decided to give it a refresh and share it again because there seems to be a lot of this energy floating around lately . . . the "mismatcher" approach to listening. IMHO what we really need right now is for more "matchers" to come forward and help change the way we listen to one another. I have witnessed how that alone can create huge positive shifts in our interactions with others.

Back when I was a corporate trainer, I taught a lot of courses on personality and operating styles. We had participants look at their own operating styles to better understand themselves and then look at the operating style of someone they wanted or needed to partner with in the workplace. Based on those style differences and similarities, they came up with an approach that could open the door to working more easily with that person. (A post-workshop homework assignment)  :-) 

One course in particular had an element of a tool that was often difficult for folks to navigate. It was the concept of "matching" vs. "mismatching." Some people are natural matchers. They are the person who listens to another person speak and looks for things they might have in common - ways they "match" . . . this is the person who might say "Oh wow, you grew up in Arkansas? I have relatives who live there" or "One of my best friends also went to Whitworth and he loved it." 

Mismatchers, on the other hand, look for where they don't match. They might say, "I'd never want to live in Arkansas" or "Why would anyone go to a school that small and unknown?" They consciously or unconsciously look for where they "disagree" with what someone else has said. Mind you, I am not sure these folks are even aware that they do it. Rarely did I ever see anyone write down that they were a mismatcher in my classes. Usually I think it is just so ingrained in how they think that they don't notice how often they respond this way. While these folks are great to have on a project team because they can help identify possible pitfalls to solutions and implementation plans, they can also be difficult to find common ground and a sense of ease with.

I remember one particularly draining workshop I taught where I had a mismatcher in class . . . if I said "Here's a tool you can use in these types of situations" he would say, "I can think of a situation where that wouldn't work."  It took a lot of energy on my part to keep shifting things back to the positive because each time he "mismatched" what I said, more of the participants began to feel less hopeful that the course material could help them improve their work relationships. A mismatcher's energy can also spread like wildfire, which is why it can be so problematic. 

On a side note, a fun fact is that when I spoke to him about it privately, he was shocked! He had been completely unaware that he did it and was grateful that I had brought it up. He did his best the next day in class to stop himself from mismatching and seemed quite surprised at just how often he did it. Throughout the day, it became rather comical each time caught himself and we had some good laughs over it. A valuable lesson was there for me too as the experience really cemented the idea that most mismatchers don't realize they do it.

I decided to write about this now because of the huge increase I have seen in mismatchers lately.  It used to be they were a very small percentage of the population but that seems to have changed in recent years. Get on any form of social media and you will find yourself saturated in mismatchers . . . people commenting on where others are wrong, where they view something differently, where what is being said is contrary to their own beliefs, etc. 

The good news is that I have found that once we observe ourselves well enough to understand if we are a matcher or a mismatcher, we then have control over which approach we use. And I believe it is a choice we can make every time we go into an interaction with another person, whether it is in person or while we are scrolling on line. We can choose to listen (or read) with a focus on where we can agree and have common ground - or we can choose to listen (or read) with an ear towards where we don't agree.  It is completely up to us. 

I obviously have a bias here or I wouldn't be writing about it. (smile) It is no secret that I would prefer to see people look for commonality and points of agreement. It is because I have seen first hand how it allows conversations to be more fluid, more constructive . . . which in turn can lead to people working together more easily. I have witnessed how it can build a sense of community rather than a feeling a separation.

Matcher conversations can open the door to people feeling heard, to solution generation and problem resolution. Furthermore, they can lead to identification of a next step and to a next step after that. The only outcome I see of mismatcher conversations is frustration, discouragement or someone being shut down and feeling "not-heard." 

We are at a time now in our world where we are in dire need of solutions, resolutions, new ways of doing things. I also believe we could greatly benefit from really hearing each other and building bridges to strengthen our ability to work together. I don't believe mismatching is going to get us there.  

Would you be willing to look at yourself and observe if you are going into conversations or scrolling through social media as a "matcher" or a "mismatcher?"  If you are "mismatching" would you be open to altering your mindset to "matching?" 

You might be surprised at how dramatically it can shift the content and the outcome of the interactions you have with others. I am not suggesting that you have to change who you are. I am merely asking if you would consider playing around with another approach so you can experience first hand how it can change your interactions with others.

Say What You Need To Say

When I first set out on a mission to "find my voice," I discovered that my biggest blocks came from being a people pleaser who really wanted to be accepted and liked. Those two things were such a huge part of who I was, they were usually all the motivation I needed to keep quiet about what I thought. Needless to say, it took me years and years to reduce the size of the blocks, chipping away at them little by little, until they no longer stood in my way. Next came my fear of hurting someone's feelings which took another large chunk of time to sort that one out and learn how to speak up in a way that honored both myself and the other person - doing my best to never hurt someone else's feelings.

Yet as we all know, there are so many layers and levels to "finding your voice" - as well as a myriad of reasons why people don't say what is on their mind, so the exploration continued. Sometimes it is about not knowing how to express what we are feeling or being SO upset in the moment that we can't find the words or we choose to wait until we can speak from a calmer space but by the time we get to that calmer space, it often feels like it's "too late" to say something. 

For me, sometimes it can come down to not wanting to put my energy into a fight or create anymore negativity so I say nothing. Or I do not want to come across as "difficult" so I keep my mouth shut. It seems I also bought into the belief that not saying anything was the heart centered solution.

Bottom line, when we are on a journey to set our vocal chords free, there can be a LOT of different root causes and a lot of avenues to pursue. 

I totally understand that not everyone is plagued with this issue . . . many people I know have never had trouble speaking up. Clearly this is a topic that is geared towards people like me who have spent years (or decades) learning to find our voices in a myriad of scenarios. 

While this is something I have worked on for decades and progressed quite nicely, I recently stumbled across one more layer to this that was a bit of a blind spot. From what I am witnessing, I don't think I am the only one who has unknowingly been tripped up here. 

Many of us were taught that there are times it is best to "say nothing" because it is the "polite thing to do" (or the oft highly regarded "high road" as I was taught), where you have the grace and the class to just let something go. It is something my mother said repeatedly through-out my childhood and I have observed that there is quite a lot of pressure to take that noble "high road" in our society too. 

Upon reflecting on it, I can see that this concept of not saying something often gets presented as what a mature, emotionally grounded person would do - to say nothing and "just let it go." Sometimes that truly is the case - but not always. 

I have been questioning all of this a lot lately . . . Wondering if the "high road" is all it is touted to be? . . . What if it is one more way we've been taught to suppress our own voices? In many communities I am involved in, I have observed that people are often encouraged to "not say anything" and show that you are the "bigger person" but what if in many of those instances, we are actually being presented with an opportunity to speak up for ourselves? What if THAT is the muscle we need to further develop? 

What I have come to understand lately is that by remaining quiet, we might just be cutting off our own voice. In those instances, could we be unconsciously stifling our own feelings about something? While it may feel like the "noble" thing to do, what if we are actually dishonoring OURSELVES when we "let it go" without saying something?

For me the challenge is to find a way to speak up - without blame, accusation or drama - yet to say SOMETHING that honors myself and my own feelings. What I am learning is that if I am speaking from the heart and from a place of integrity, it can be incredibly freeing. 

I'm not suggesting that we go back in time and bring things up from the past. What I AM suggesting is that if something presents NOW - if a situation is in front of us again - then maybe it is a sign that now is the right time to approach it differently. Now might be the perfect time to re-evaluate that previous choice. 

Is it time to step away from the proverbial "high road" (or whatever you want to call it) and speak up if we have something to say? What if now is the perfect time to honor ourselves and to let our feelings be heard? 

Of course only YOU will know what is best for you in each NOW moment . . . I just offer this up as something to consider in case you too have been pondering this or accidentally stifling your voice as well . . . maybe it's time for us to all set ourselves free.