This morning, I woke up remembering one of my worst experiences with bullying in junior high. It's not something I have thought about in decades so it was interesting to me that the memory popped in so vividly. It all flooded in, like I was watching a movie but instead of just watching it, I could feel it too, almost as if it had just happened the day before.
There was a girl named Nicky who was in the 8th grade who decided that me, a 7th grader, needed to be put in my place. I don't recall if something had occurred between us before that, but given how shy and awkward I felt at that age, I am not inclined to think I did anything of significance. I do know that like everyone else, I just wanted to fit in. As the"movie" in my mind played, I saw myself crossing the big grass field to the exit gate at the end of a school day and hearing the clamor of kids running behind me. I turned around to seeing Nicky coming for me. I remember trying to pick up my pace, hoping to get to the exit gate before they reached me. I could then see in my mind's eye how her gang of friends quickly surrounded me before I could escape and how more kids who just wanted to watch the melee formed a circle around them. I relived how fearful I was, how hard my heart was pounding. I heard the other kids cheering her on. I saw myself on the ground being hit and kicked, not just by Nicky but by her friends as well. Then the "movie" stopped.
I laid there for a while, a bit stunned as I processed what I had just "seen/re-experienced". . . I have no memory of what happened after that. The "movie" ended without me getting to see (or recall) how I got out of there. Did some teachers come and break it up? Did some kids steps forward and put a stop to it? I honestly don't remember. Did I tell my parents what happened? I'm not sure if I did. The only thing I could recall was how much I didn't want to go to school the next day and how hard I tried to avoid Nicky the rest of the school year.
As I lay there, pondering why this had popped into mind, my first thought was how sorry I felt for my twelve year old self. All anyone wants to do, especially in junior high, is to fit in. Clearly I didn't. I spent a little time feeling compassion for my young self. Then another thought occurred to me . . . this concept of bullying HAS been on my mind lately so maybe that is why the memory re-emerged.
In recent years, there had been a big emphasis on anti-bullying campaigns in our schools. Adults were rallying to make changes in schools, "famous people" were stepping forward to spearhead anti-bullying efforts, parents were posting videos of their children who had been bullied to show the negative impact it had on them and how painful it was for them to be attacked for being different in some way.
It occurred to me recently that the adults now seem to be the ones doing the "bullying" and I have to think others have noticed this as well. Especially in the last year, I have noticed how people who hold a different view or a different belief get "bullied" . . . that people seem to care more about "conforming" than allowing people to be themselves.
A few weeks ago, an older woman (maybe in her 80s) marched up to me in the grocery store (getting way closer than 6 feet) chastising me for not wearing my mask correctly and angrily telling me that I wasn't allowed to have the bridge of my nose showing. I am not sure if it was shock or the way I was raised that made me just say "thank you" and walk away. I didn't adjust my mask, I just continued with my shopping. I didn't feel a need to argue with her and I even spent a few minutes considering that maybe she was learning to find her voice and speak up and that she needed to "tell someone else what to do" as part of her own growth. I was actually rather proud of myself for not letting it bother me.
Strangely enough, about 3-4 nights later, I woke up in the middle of the night unable to stop thinking about the experience. Honestly, I was mad. What made her think she had the right to tell me what I could and couldn't do? And if she felt that proper mask placement and social distancing were so important, why did she come that close and invade MY space to inform me she thought that I was doing something wrong? I have a right to take care of my own health in whatever way I feel is best. I have a right to make decisions about how I manage my health and support my immune system and I have a right to make sure I am getting enough oxygen in my lungs. (And since I haven't been sick at all this year, I'm not inclined to change what I am doing).
Since that night, I have been thinking about this shift that has occurred in our society . . . where we've made it OK to bully other people. The media has helped us come up with labels that we can hurl at people who aren't "falling in line"- so now people try to shame you and tell you that you are selfish and uncaring, the same way that if people ask questions or question the party line, we are conspiracy-theorists or idiots or ego-maniacs for thinking we know more than the "experts." It really does sadden me. At what point did we decide that bullying people into submission was how we wanted to operate? When did we turn into a society of "mean girls"? How did we come to decide that being different or thinking different was now somehow something to be ashamed of? How is it that we view using our critical thinking skills as an act of stupidity and selfishness rather than a sign of intelligence?
When presented with a difference of opinion, I often ask questions based on things that don't add up for me, hoping that it will inspire others to ask more questions themselves. I'm not saying it's the perfect approach but it's what I have chosen to do. Well, that and I often use humor . . . like when our state governor decided a curfew would stop the spread (because apparently it is stronger at night?) :-) or when we could walk on the beach but not stop and sit or meditate (because if we were moving, it couldn't catch us?) :-) or when our beaches were shut down between 11am and 5pm several months earlier, (because that month it could spread more easily in the middle of the day?) :-) I often tried to use humor to get others to notice that all these frequently changing rules/regulations didn't make sense. I hoped it might inspire others to start questioning the logic (or lack of logic) in all the ever-changing restrictions.
I've always been one to ask questions and I do my best not to tell others how they should think. In a recent text exchange with an old boyfriend of mine, I said "So it seems like no one is getting the regular flu this year" to which he replied "It's because people are wearing masks and social distancing" so I replied "Then why do you think so many people are still getting COVID?" His reply was "Because COVID spreads more easily" so I said "Do you think maybe it's a sign that masks and social distancing aren't really the answer?" and he replied "The problem is that not everyone is wearing masks and social distancing" so I wrote "So then why isn't anyone getting the regular flu?" My hope was that the circular-doesn't-fully-make-sense exchange we had would inspire him to think more deeply about what he (and everyone else) was being told. I don't know if it did or not, he never replied to my last text.
Doesn't anyone else find it curious that whenever doctors step forward with different data, different treatment options, etc. they are immediately banned from all social media? Is that level of censorship helping us? Have you considered the possibility that there might be more information that is being kept from us? Why would they go to such great lengths to silence people who present another viewpoint? Does that make others the least bit suspicious?
I believe we need to be allowed to ask questions without resorting to name calling and belittling people. Additionally, I believe that we have a right to seek answers without being bullied into submission. Shouldn't we "practice what we preach" and if we told our kids that it wasn't OK to bully others, shouldn't we refrain from bullying as well? If we hugged our children and told them they didn't need to "fit in" in order to be loved and appreciated, shouldn't we treat everyone that way?
I know that we are each here learning what WE need to learn and what WE need to experience as part of our own journeys, our own personal growth . . . My hope is that we can start doing it with less bullying and more understanding. I learned in 7th grade that not everyone was going to like me but I won't let it stop me from being my authentic self. It is important for things to make sense to me, that is who I am and how I am wired.
As shared in a recent post I wrote about song lyrics . . . I'm singing: "I want to thank you for letting me be myself . . . again.". And as part of my commitment to being myself, I am not going to allow myself to be bullied anymore.
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