It's Not What You Say But How You Say It . . .

It's not what you say but how you say it . . . and it's not about what you choose but how you communicate about the choice.  

These are two beliefs of mine that I try to always live by because I have seen time and again how important they are for creating more harmony . . . and yet I find myself living in a world right now that doesn't seem to share in my belief that these guidelines for communication truly can make a difference.

This summer I was uninvited to two weddings. In one situation, the wedding had to be scaled way back due to the financial hit their family business has taken in the last year and a half. First I received a phone call from the father of the bride explaining what they had to do and apologizing that I hadn't "made the cut." LOL  We had a lovely chat and we hung up the phone appreciating the chance to connect and knowing our friendship was still as strong as it always was. A few days later, I got a beautiful letter in the mail from the bride-to-be (which shocked me because I knew I had only been on the original invite list because of my long friendship with her father). I was so touched that she took the time to write such a sweet letter, I felt inspired to respond with a hand written letter myself. It was actually really nice to connect with her that way. In the end, because of the effort they put into communicating with me and the care they took to make sure I didn't feel unimportant, I didn't mind that I had been uninvited to the wedding.

In the other situation, I was copied on a large group email from one of my very best friends from childhood that basically said, "Either you agree to put experimental things in your body by our wedding date OR you can't attend." They asked people to reply only with a "yes or no" so I did that . . . and received a one line response of "Sorry you won't be able to come." Once I picked my jaw up off the floor and addressed all the emotions it brought up for me, I was left with the disappointment that the approach showed no kindness, no indication that our 4 and 1/2 decade friendship meant anything to her at all. I realized that, at least for now, this was a friendship I wasn't going to put anymore energy into.

While I respect everyone's right to make choices that feel right to them, HOW we communicate regarding those choices really can make all the difference in the world.  

As another example, my father has some pretty strong political beliefs that don't match up to mine and I often receive emails from him that are very politically charged. (Which are often filled with blame for the "other side" for just about everything.")  While I COULD reply to them with something mean or I COULD just ignore them, I have chosen to read through them and find things that I appreciate about them. i.e. Were some facts shared that I found helpful? Were there any points in there that I agreed with? My responses always start out with what I appreciated about the email. I then say "I am sure I probably sound like a broken record but just wanted to say again that it bums me out to see emails that I filled with so much blame because I think it keeps us in a state of polarity. I'd love to see emails that have facts and data in them that also include possible solutions or ideas on how to move forward from here. If you come across anything like that, I would love to see them.

I respond that way because I love and respect my father and I want him to feel heard and appreciated AND I also want to be heard and appreciated. I don't want to build any unnecessary walls between us so I make sure I take extra care when I am communicating . . . not just with my dad but with everyone. Our words can cause hurt and separation if we don't take the time to consider how we are responding and if we don't hold some compassion and understanding for others when we are crafting a response.

Unfortunately, it seems we are being led to fear people who are "different" or making different choices. It is so rampant in our world right now that we are doing damage on a regular basis that to me isn't necessary. 

How we choose to communicate and how much compassion we hold for others is more impactful than I think most people realize. If we can hold respect for others and operate from our hearts, many relationships can be strengthened instead of torn apart. We might start building bridges instead of walls and we  may be able to shift ourselves out of this very divided world we currently live in. 

Please let's not get so caught up in our fears that we forget how to treat others with kindness and compassion.