Do You Need To Say It?

Something I have been observing is that people seem to be even more critical and cranky and wanting to be "right" than ever before.  Lately the thought of getting on Facebook or Next-door has me cringing because so many of the comments lean towards the negative.  So, I am writing this post as a plea  . . . asking if you will please ask yourself "Do I need to say this?" before you make a comment.

This is up for me right now because my next door neighbor posted some beautiful pictures on our neighborhood Facebook page yesterday . . . pictures she had taken of all the incredible birds she had been able to enjoy just that day.  Her post was clearly one of gratitude, as she expressed appreciation for getting to live in an area where such a variety of beautiful birds visit her yard.

And then the comments began . . . she was corrected on the spelling of one of the birds.  Really?  Will any harm really come to a Stellar's Jay if his name is written "Stellar Jay"?  She was corrected on the identification of one of the birds, then more people chimed in to disagree and argue about who was right. I shook my head in disappointment . . . they all seemed to be missing the point of her post. Then someone commented on how much they loved Stellar's Jays and that they were told by a Park Ranger that they are actually considered a nuisance bird but that it didn't make her love them any less.  And the derogatory comments began to fly . . . about the park ranger . . . about what birds are indigenous to our areas and which ones aren't . . . and what people do to the birds they don't "like" . . . the more I read, the more my heart sank.  My poor neighbor just wanted to share an uplifting post with some amazing photographs she had taken and instead people couldn't seem to make negative comments fast enough.

It got me thinking about how often things devolve this way - especially in social media . . and I thought about how much I wished people would pause before commenting . . . to take a breath and ask "Do I need to say this?" . . . Is it the end of the world if the spelling is wrong? Is it going to have a positive effect on the situation if I malign the unnamed Park Ranger?  Is it going to do any good at all? or is it just going to create negative energy? Is it just going to inspire more people to be negative?

When I was sitting with this last night, wondering why it bothered me so much, I realized that it comes down to how we treat people and treating people with kindness and respect is very important to me. It takes so little energy to treat others with kindness (or to follow my mom's rule of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all")  We have choices all the time about how we say things . . . a few word changes and we can either help someone or really knock someone down.

Years ago, when I was working on my book (which still isn't done), one of the people who was helping me edit the book had a particularly harsh way of giving feedback. Instead of saying "you mention this here and then you mention it again in the next chapter, you probably only need to say it once" - she said "You're totally insulting the reader by saying this again, you're treating them like they aren't smart enough to remember information from the previous chapter!" I was stunned because I didn't have ANY intention of insulting someone who was reading my book.  The manner that she chose to give me feedback eroded my self esteem so much, I questioned whether it was worth it or not to get her assistance. It even made me question whether I should try and finish the book.

There is so much going on in the world right now and I get that people are frustrated and they are scared and yet to me, it seems like that makes it even MORE important to show others a little kindness.  Can we cut each other a little slack? . . . Can we take a breath and ask ourselves "Do I really need to say this?" or "Is there a nicer way I can say this?" Rather than hurting people's feelings and making them feel "less than" can we instead say things in a way that allows for a little grace?  Can we show each other just a little more kindness?  I think it would go a long way towards making this time we are in feel a little less frustrating and scary.