Why Are Boundaries So Hard To Set?

My last blog about setting boundaries stirred up a lot of conversation with many of my clients, as folks delved into this subject of why boundaries are so difficult to set.  Some themes rose to the surface . . . boundaries are harder to set when you are setting them with someone you love . . . and the fear of consequences keep us from setting boundaries.

Most people agreed that setting boundaries with strangers, acquaintances and co-workers was easier, and that the closer they felt to someone, the harder it was for them to set boundaries.

Underneath that was a feeling that if we set a boundary, we aren't being loving . . . why shouldn't I jump up and meet my dogs needs?  If I ignore her, I'm not being loving.  I should be understanding and patient and flexible with my spouse, shouldn't I?  If I can't be understanding and flexible, is that a sign I am not a kind person?  That fear of being unkind can lock us in a place of not setting boundaries.

Some of us also have a fear of consequences . . . if I set this boundary with my mom, will she stop watching my cat for me when I go out of town?  If I set this boundary with my neighbor, will she stop letting my dog come to her house for play dates when I am stuck at work longer than usual?  If I set this boundary with my dog, will he think I don't love him anymore?

We often fear that if we set a boundary, then something will be taken away from us, but the truth is, we don't know HOW people or animals will respond.  Sometimes we can be pleasantly surprised and find that they have no problem at all with our boundary.  With animals, I find that they even show us more respect when we set a boundary with them, because they WANT us to take care of ourselves and it never makes them question our love for them.

Something else to consider . . . the energy we put out when we DON'T set boundaries basically tells the Universe, "I'm OK with people stepping on me" "My needs really aren't that important."

When we DO set boundaries, we put a different energy out to the Universe.  We put energy out that says, "I am important"  "My needs are important" "I know I deserve to be treated well" and the Universe responds in kind.

Occasionally, people are not OK with the boundaries we set, so short term, we may have to find someone else to watch our cat while we're out of town, or find another alternative for our dog when we're stuck at work, but in the big picture, the benefits far outweigh whatever short term hassle we may experience.

If we love ourselves and care for ourselves, we can experience new levels of joy.  I also believe we set a good example for others who may be struggling to set boundaries and just maybe, our actions will give them the courage they need to start taking care of themselves as well.