Are We Dealing With Conflict Or Avoiding It?

Unless we take a class or read a book specifically called "Dealing with conflict" - chances are we haven't learned to productively navigate conflict resolution. Or what we have learned is through our own trial and error over the years and we may not know enough or have the confidence to deal with different types of conflict. Either way, I have found that most of us are not comfortable with or equipped to successfully deal with conflict. Many people just flat out don't want to deal with it.

Time and again, I witness the discomfort that people have with conflict.They often employ other, (typically less helpful) strategies as a way to cope with conflict when it comes up (or when they think it is about to come up). 

Have you seen these types of things in your conversations and meetings when a conflict arises? 

- Quickly changing the subject (duck and run)

- Putting it on a list for the "next meeting" and then conveniently never get back to it? (defer it)

- Ignoring the issue all together when someone brings it up again and/or stating that there "isn't enough time left for the "schedule" to address that" (hope to sweep it under the rug where it will stay forever)

It makes you wonder, why are so many of us "conflict adverse"? Have you ever explored this? 

I have always found it quite curious. In addition to just observing people's behavior, I occasionally engage people in conversation about dealing with conflict. When I ask folks about the conflict avoidance I am observing, I get a whole host of responses:

- It takes too long to resolve conflict

- It will require that we talk about feelings and I don't "do" feeling :-) 

- It is easier to ignore it and who knows - it might resolve itself. (The person creating the conflict may change jobs or end up somewhere else after the next re-org.)

- I prefer it when people just get along, even if they are pretending that everything is OK

- I don't know what the "answer is" or how to resolve this, so I'd rather ignore it until I know how to resolve it.

Interestingly enough, the other thing I have made a mental note about is how often I see folks that can handle conflict pretty well in one type of situation but take the avoidance route in another i.e. maybe they handle conflict pretty well at work but not in their personal lives. (or vice versa and handle personal conflict with ease but don't demonstrate those same skills in the work place). 

Have you noticed that too? How have you seen it play out in your own life?

Well, here's a little secret for you if you are interested in getting better at resolving conflict. The first and most important step is being a good listener. Sounds too easy right? But it is the truth. Listening is an incredibly powerful tool to use when dealing with conflict.

People want to be heard and they want to feel respected and valued. We can actually do that by listening to others. Not "listening well enough to plan our response" - but truly listening to what the other person is saying. It requires that we suspend being defensive, pause the instinct to "take it personally" and just hear what the person is saying. 

Once someone has been able to share their perspective, we can ask "Is there anything else you would like me to hear or know?" and then be quiet again and just let the person speak. 

From there, we can validate or confirm what we heard. (i.e. Am I hearing you correctly - that you feel "x"?  or your concern is "y"? (Note: Make sure the person has said everything they want to / need to say before you make this step). If we move to this too quickly, frustrations can rise, with the person not feeing heard once again.

- Once we have confirmed our understanding of where the other person is coming from, next we can offer empathy and / or compassion to the person for how this situation has felt on their end of things. (Note: but this only works if the empathy and / or compassion are genuine)

After that, you can move to resolving the conflict. If the previous steps were done well, it can be as simple as asking "What do you think we can do to move forward?" Often times the person has a simple solution that can easily be acted upon. Maybe after really listening to the person you can see how a genuine apology is all that is needed to help the person and/or situation shift forward. Maybe the person just needed to feel heard. 

Once there is not longer that "charge" of conflict, resolution can usually occur quite easily and quickly.  

If you want to improve how you handle conflict, maybe this will be helpful for you to play with. I have found that the other common denominator with people who are comfortable handling conflict is confidence. The more confident we are in our ability to handle it, the more successful we usually are. 

The other piece of advice I will offer is to start with something small. Address a few small conflicts first, practice different approaches and gain confidence. Then you can move on to something with a bigger charge. This approach will increase the likelihood of us being successful AND gaining confidence we need to address conflict the next time something arises.