The Downside of Labeling Someone

 Not all labels are bad . . . certainly if you are decluttering your house or garage, it can be very helpful to have bins that are labeled Keep, Donate and Trash as a way of speeding up the process. Labels that we attach to humans are not nearly as helpful though and can often hinder our relationships and our ability to see another perspective.

I have found that as soon as we attach a "label" to someone, we often stop being curious and we stop learning things about them. It's like we say to ourselves "Ok, they are in THAT bucket, no need to learn anything more about them." In our society right now we're relying on a lot of labels and we're pretty quick to toss someone into one of those "labeled buckets" and walk away.

Today, I'd like to ask you to consider something different.

What if rather than immediately judging someone and subscribing a label to them, you approached them with curiosity. Kind of a "Hey I'd like to understand more about why you did or said or believe that." You might be surprised at what you learn.

As an example, many years ago when Charlton Heston was the head of the NRA, I decided to stay home and watched the annual NRA meeting that was being broadcast on cable that night rather than go out with my friends. Much to my disappointment, when my friends found out why I was staying home I was immediately labeled "one of them" and treated as if I had somehow become someone they didn't like as much. No one asked why I wanted to watch the meeting or nor did they show any interest in understanding where I was coming from, which I found curious and disappointing (Thankfully, I didn't let it stop me from watching it).  Even later, when I tried offering up an explanation, I was quickly shut down with negative comments and jokes.

The truth was I had two reasons for tuning in.

1) Charlton Heston had been my most favorite actor since I was a little girl. I used to write letters to movie stars all the time and he was the ONLY one who ever wrote me back. He (Well, most likely his assistant) even sent me a couple signed black and white photos of him following the release of the movie Earthquake and my nine years old self was over the moon! I followed his career closely after that, never missed a movie he made. Over time, I discovered even more reasons to admire him for the person he was outside of a movie studio. He hadn't been making movies in recent years and I missed seeing him so I looked forward to watching him give the opening ceremony speech. 

2) I had been anti-gun my whole life. Frankly, I was afraid of them. Then I went to college in the Pacific northwest. Many of my classmates had very different views about guns because they had grown up around them and I regretted that I had never asked questions or shown any curiosity. I just slapped a label on them and that was that. (Well, that and I often found ways to make snide comments about guns whenever I could slip one into a conversation). So my second reason for watching that night was that I wanted to educate myself. 

I was shocked by how much I learned in just one night. Many of the things they spoke about in the meeting were in direct conflict with what I had been told and what I had read in all of my political and anti-gun literature, etc. There was a big disparity between what I had been told regarding their priorities and what they were standing for. I didn't know who was telling the truth but it made me want to explore it further before I blindly signed another petition or checked a box on election day. 

I never had any regret about watching the Annual meeting that night. Not just because it made me so happy to see Charlton again but because it opened my eyes to the fact that not everything I was being told was the truth. Often what we are told is SOME truth with a bunch of opinions and suppositions wrapped around it but the closer I looked at things, the more I began to see a trend emerging. 

Things were often written (by most everyone with a "cause") as a way to sway people one way or another, not necessarily to educate them. (I saw evidence of this in BOTH political parties). I began paying much closer attention to what facts/data were present in what I read vs. what seemed more focused on eliciting an emotional response and I was a bit stunned to realize how often the goal seemed to be more aligned with eliciting an emotional response without the facts to back up all the statements being made. The more I paid attention, the more easily I could recognize what was happening . . . that alone has been a very useful skill for me in the years since - especially lately.

The other things that I believe is dangerous about labels is that words we use can hold different meaning to different people. A humorous example of this was the time I was out with a large group of my work colleagues and I mentioned that I had been a cheerleader in junior high and high school. Over half the people at the table looked at me like they were suddenly smelling rotten fish, followed by "You were WHAT?" The look of distain on their faces told me that their definition of "someone who is/was a cheerleader" was very different than mine (and even different amongst them) Based on people's personal experiences with cheerleaders, the term might conjure thoughts of them being heart breakers or air-heads or mean girls. That was when I began seeing how charged certain words can be for each of us. Based on the experiences we've had, the way we personally define a word (label) can vary greatly.

My point in sharing all of this is that I believe the labels we are relying on so heavily right now are often keeping us locked in a state of polarity and judgment - an "us vs. them" mindset instead of helping us find common ground or seeing things from another perspective. These labels can keep us from seeing things from our hearts, it can keep us from understanding or feeling compassion for others. I think that as soon as we label someone, we miss out on the opportunity to see the person as a human being . . . a human being who has reasons for what they think, what they believe, the choices they make . . . and I guarantee you that not all the reasons are the same. How could they be? We are all individuals, who have had a wide array of life experiences and different challenges along the way. 

It is my believe that if we can stop labeling people, we can more easily look at others with kindness and compassion and this gives us the opportunity to see so much more. And if we can approach others with curiosity, I believe there is so much we can learn. Furthermore, if we can place more value on who a person really is rather than the label that has been assigned to them, we might be able to open the door to deeper relationships with them. 

Would you be willing to give it a try? You might be surprised by how much common ground is there and you may find a new level of respect for people you would have previously ignored or written off.

The Right Place At The Right Time

 I believe we are often placed at a specific location at a specific time because our presence is needed there in that moment. I also believe that while the reason may not be something we can see or understand at the time, I trust that it is tied to the bigger picture, part of a divinely orchestrated plan. Over the years, I have had it happen and heard of it happening so frequently that I no long question it. Here are a few examples:

A client of mine told me she had witnessed someone getting hit by a car. She rushed to the man's side to see if there was anything she could do for him, but he died before help arrived. She said he was losing blood too fast and there wasn't anything she could do to stop it. 

She felt really sad that she wasn't able to do anything and she wondered . . . if everything happens for a reason, why was she there?  She asked me what I thought. 

My mind and heart were immediately flooded with thoughts and emotions and images. I told her I was sensing very strongly that she was supposed to be there, because the man needed to experience her kindness and compassion before he left this world. He needed to feel the love of her generous heart and know that he wasn't alone . . . that her purpose in that moment was to be there, so that in his last moments on earth he knew that someone cared.  I told her it wasn't about saving his life, but about giving him the gift of love and compassion in that moment. 

She got goosebumps when I told her that and it brought tears to her eyes. I could feel her letting go of the judgement she placed on herself for not having been able to do more for him and she considered that maybe she did do exactly what she was meant to do. 

Another client shared with me that when he was out running an errand, he witnessed a dog getting get by a car. He immediately pulled over and rushed to see if he could help. A young boy had placed the dog on the open tailed gate of his truck and at first the dog looked lifeless, but then he saw him moving. He had recently become a Reiki practitioner, and while he hadn't worked on anyone but his own animals, he decided to try giving the dog Reiki. He said the scene was chaotic . . . then he observed a young girl, the dog's guardian, came out of the house. My client quickly assessed that it was her brother who had picked the dog up and placed him on the tailgate. Then the driver of the car who hit the dog returned, apologizing profusely for what had happened. My client told me that the brother appeared to be in shock. He kept wringing his hands and running his hands through his hair, unable to do anything else. His sister was on her cell phone frantically trying to find an emergency vet that was opened on a Sunday. 

My client continued to give the dog Reiki while he assessed the situation. He didn't mention that was what she was doing. It probably just appeared that she was making sure the dog didn't fall off the tailgate. His mind was calm and he was thinking through next steps. He thought that if they were going to transport the dog to an emergency vet, they would need to try to keep the dog as still as possible. He asked the boy if they had a pet carrier, he said no. He asked if he had a box they could put the dog in and he said no. She could see how helpless he felt so she suggested he get a towel or a blanket that they could wrap around him. He dutifully went to get a blanket and he seemed relieved to have something to do. My client admitted he was surprised at how calm he remained through the whole thing, as he helped them sort through their next steps, never once getting flustered.

He helped them get themselves and the dog into the car and they left to find the emergency clinic. Later that day, she went back by their house to see how the dog was. They told her that he died from massive internal bleeding. He felt very sad and like my other client, she wondered why she had come upon the scene when he felt he hadn't really helped. He wondered why he had felt inspired to give the dog Reiki, when it didn't help save the dog's life. He wondered what the purpose of his being there was, when in his mind, her presence hadn't made a difference. 

I could sense right away that his purpose was to be a calm and loving presence, not just for the dog, but for the humans as well. I could feel how his presence helped the brother and sister stay calm and how his gentle guidance helped them tremendously when they were feeling so afraid and overwhelmed. I told him that Reiki can bring an animal great peace, which was probably exactly what the little dog needed at that time. I could also see how his presence helped everyone, even the man who had hit the dog, since he was able to corroborate his account of what happened and probably put his mind at ease. 

He was in the right place at the right time to help all of them in ways he hadn't realized he helped them. As with my other client, his gift was being able to share his love and support at a time when it was really needed. 

Another client of mine told me a story once about witnessing a cat that had been hit by a car while she was out jogging. Without even thinking she immediately ran over to the scene and noticed that everyone seemed to be in shock. The lady driving the car who had immediately pulled over was crying but also unable to do anything but mumble something about the cat seeming to come out of nowhere. There were multiple other witnesses standing around plus people who had come out of neighboring houses to see what was going on. As she recounted the experience, she mentioned that it seemed like everyone was paralyzed / frozen. She said "Does anyone know whose cat this is?" A couple people slowly nodded by didn't move. 

She said that it was like someone took over her body and she began giving people "assignments" . . . directing people. She asked the "head nodders" to go to the guardian's house and see if she was home, she asked the lady who had hit the cat to start writing her information down so it could be given to the cat's guardian, she asked who had a box that was big enough to transport the cat to the emergency vet, etc. One by one, she assigned people a task. They all seemed relieved that someone had "taken charge" and gave them a way to provide help in that moment. When the guardian came out of the house, she was understandably extremely upset. My client didn't think she would be able to drive to the emergency vet so she said "Who can drive her?" and immediately one of the neighbors raised their hand. Fortunately in this case, the cat's life was saved.

I know these are dramatic examples and the first two resulted in death so I hope my tender hearted readers aren't too upset by this. I share this because I think it is important for us to remember that our reason for being where we are at any given moment may not be obvious right away or may not result in the outcome we were hoping for but I trust that there is usually a higher purpose for why we end up being where we are. Maybe at some point in the future we will understand what that purpose was but even if we don't, it can be helpful to consider that there was a reason.