Reacting Based on Half The Story

Through most of my adult life, I had a very challenging relationship with my mother. I held firm to my belief that she didn't really care about me or my feelings and I viewed every action and every inaction through that filter.  

In my quest to heal the past, I realized my relationship with my mother began to unravel when I was in high school and sadly it could have been prevented if more honesty had been present.

It all started on a holiday weekend when my boyfriend came over with a couple dozen roses for me and not only would I not touch the roses, I would barely speak to him. My mother grabbed me by the arm, squeezing it so tightly her fingernails left deep impressions in my skin. Pulling me to the other side of the kitchen, she sternly told me that I was being an ungrateful little shit and that I'd better pull myself together and start acting the way I had been raised to act when someone gives me a gift. 

I remember feeling utterly stunned. I felt betrayed by her. I felt that she was telling me that "being gracious" - even if it was fake - was more important than the truth of why I was acting that way or the depth of pain I was feeling inside. I decided that she didn't understand me or care about my feeling and from that moment on, those were the "glasses" I wore when it came to my mom. Everything she did or said was seen and judged from that perspective.

But the truth was, my mom didn't know WHY I was acting that way towards my boyfriend because I never told her. 

What she didn't know was that the day before, he and I had been with our two best friends "celebrating" the holiday weekend aka "doing some underage drinking." My boyfriend had way too much to drink and in his drunken stupor he had decided that he was tired of waiting for me to be ready for sex and he had attempted to rape me. If his best friend hadn't heard me screaming and come to my rescue, he likely would have been successful. His friend pulled him off me with such force, he slammed him up against the wall. Too scared to move, I remained where I was on the floor, huddled in the corner of the room, my heart pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. My best friend rushed to my side, while his friend dragged him out of the room, berating him for what he had just done to me.

I hadn't even had a chance to start processing what had just happened when his best friend ran back into the room to tell us that my boyfriend had announced he was going to kill himself and took off in his car. I remember saying, "He's driving?" He was so drunk he could barely walk - I shuddered to think he was behind the wheel of a car. We all rushed out to the front yard but he (and the car) were nowhere in sight.

At that point the tears began flowing, although it was such a jumbled mixture of emotions, I felt like my head was going to explode. I just sat there on the front lawn and sobbed, my chest heaving up and down, sandwiched between his best friend and mine, with neither of them knowing how to help me in that moment. 

I felt angry and betrayed by him . . . I was afraid of him . . . I was scared to death that he was going to actually kill himself . . . . I worried that it would be my fault if he did. My sixteen year old self wasn't able to cope with all that had just happened. I needed him to come back and be ok and yet a part of me didn't want him to come back because he had broken my heart and my trust so deeply. Everything was swirling around so quickly inside of me, I was sure I would throw up.

He eventually came back - and while I was grateful he didn't kill himself - I think it was our relationship that had been killed that day. It was just never the same. The events that unfolded that day impacted me in more ways than I understood at the time and it took years for me to unravel the myriad of ways that one day had shaped my beliefs and my own behavior from that point forward. 

The next day, I chose to put most of the blame on my mother. I made her the "bad guy" in this because I thought she didn't care about what happened to me and how scared I was. In my mind, she was trying to force me to act in a way that was about "keeping up appearances" instead of showing me any compassion. My boyfriend claimed he had blacked out and didn't remember what had happened (which was entirely possible) so there was no way I could talk to him about it. Our friends didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't sure I could talk about it either. I think all of us wanted to pretend it hadn't occurred. 

I didn't tell my mom what happened and I blamed her for that too - justifying that she hadn't ASKED me what happened - which to me was proof that she didn't care. I further justified my silence by holding the assumptions that she wouldn't understand or that she wouldn't believe me or that she would think I was being overly dramatic about the whole thing or that I would get in trouble for drinking. And yes, I had good reasons for making those assumptions, but I never gave her the chance to prove me wrong because I was so set in my beliefs. I had found someone to blame - end of story.

But the truth was - SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED. She didn't know the TRUTH because I didn't tell her. I didn't take responsibility for the fact that she didn't know. I was content to stick with my version of the story for decades - that my mom didn't care about my feelings. Sticking to my version of the truth kept me from having a better relationship with my mother - I see that and own that now.

So why am I recounting this highly dramatic event from my past today? Because it highlights what I see happening in our world right now. We are in an incredibly emotionally charged time and I see people doing the very same things . . . Can you see all the parallels?

- Blaming people for what they are doing/not doing without understanding the whole story.

- Reacting to things without having all the information. (and I say that without blame, it is not easy to access truthful information or to discern what IS true out of the sea of conflicting information out there) 

- Blaming / shaming people for not knowing the truth, when they haven't been told the truth or are unable to find it.

- Holding onto our beliefs (and our version of the story) so tightly that we can't see anything else.

- Deciding how people are going to react before they have a chance to show us anything different.

At this moment in time, so many of us are so caught up in the emotions that are surging forth that we often can't see outside of our own stories or see the bigger picture. If we continue on this path, the divide between us is going to get wider and wider. Our relationships with others might become so damaged they will be nearly impossible to heal. Our ability to come together to find resolutions could be greatly diminished. If we operate so heavily from a place of fear like that, we might even forget what it is like to feel love and joy.

So here is my challenge to you . . . would you be willing to do any of the following? 

- Listen to someone else's point of view with an ear towards where your beliefs might be in alignment instead of where they are different.

- Consider the possibility that we may be reacting to misinformation or "half of the story."

- Remember that we need many of the same things . . . to be heard, to be understood, to be supported.

- Offer compassion to others - whether we agree with them or not.

- Look inside and see where we can take some responsibility for what is occurring, instead of blaming others for what is happening.

- Be open to new information that may not line up with what we have always believed to be true.

- Ask ourselves: Do I want to know the truth? or do I want to be right? Would I rather live my life in fear? or from a place of love?

Furthermore - Can we consider the possibility that we have ALL been lied to about what is really happening in the world and that none of us know the full truth / the full story?

We can continue to believe "our side/story" is right and the "other side/story" is wrong if we want . . . but we just may find that both sides are equally flawed and equally complicit. Do you want to stay stuck in that place of separation?

I believe the time is upon us to make a change . . . to open our ears and open our hearts . . . to come together and unite - in peace and in love. We can change this world we live in if we choose to . . . one moment at a time . . . one day at a time. It truly is up to us. The question is: What are you going to choose? 

P.S.  For those of you who are concerned and/or feeling sorry for me,  please know that all is well. Gratefully my mom and I were able to reach a place of resolve and forgiveness before she passed away and my high school boyfriend and I are actually friends (with a lot of effort over the years to work through this and find forgiveness and peace.)  It is probably the reason why it was easy to share this story because we all managed to reach the "other side" of it - therefore it possible for it to be a "neutral example." 

What You Focus On Expands

I am a firm believer in the statement "What you focus on expands." It is a concept I taught when I was a corporate trainer and it is a concept that still plays a big role in the work that I do with energy. What we focus on - we see more of. What we focus on - we attract more of. Since everything is energy (including our thoughts), we draw more of that energy frequency to us - thus manifesting things that match that frequency.

If all of our attention is being placed on "what others are doing that we don't agree with" - guess what we are going to see more of? And guess what kind of things we are likely to experience in greater quantity? We're basically putting out a radio signal that says "Yes, more of this!" It's all energy . . . and it works like a magnet.

I'm not saying that frustrating things will never happen if we keep our thoughts positive enough - what I am saying is that we have a choice to STAY in that frequency when things frustrate us or we can shift into a different frequency. It is totally up to us.

Here's a simple, hopefully non-emotionally-charged example of this: Last week was Kino's birthday.  I had searched the local pet store's website looking for the perfect gift and I found what I was looking for - a plush toy that had multiple squeakers - and it happened to be on sale! The item was available for in-store pick up only but I was unable to put the item in my cart. When I called the store, the gal I spoke with said that happens when they don't have the item in stock. I asked if she thought they'd get anymore in and she wasn't sure when they would, so it was back to the drawing board for me.

Disappointed, I spent another long stretch of time searching for the right squeaky plush toy and I finally found one. I was able to make the purchase on line and since it was also an "in-store-pick up" item, I arranged to go on Kino's actual birthday to pick up his present.

Several days later, when the employee handed me the toy, I shook my head in disbelief. The toy wasn't anything like I expected. It was tiny - definitely not made for a large breed dog - and the material felt scratchy instead of plush. On top of that, only one of the squeakers worked. I said "Oh crud, this isn't going to work for my dog." Fortunately for me, he said that if I wanted to I could go inside and return it and pick out something else.

Wandering up and down the aisles, I became aware of my frequency and how it was dipping because I was focusing on how bummed I was . . . the disappointment over the toy not meeting my expectations, my frustration that I couldn't find something cost effective that Kino would like, my agitation over my inability to breath with a mask on, etc. Stopping myself, I knew I could shift my energy if I wanted to so I came up with a few new things to think about . . . how glad I was that I was able to come into the store to pick something else out, how much I looked forward to the joy Kino would experience when he got his present, etc.

Even with that in mind, I wasn't finding anything that met Kino's needs. I had been up and down the aisle where all the plush toys were several times and I didn't see anything that would squeak enough to make it a great birthday. I wondered if I should get him some treats instead so I walked over to that aisle to see what options they had for a dog with extreme food allergies and there it was . . . the original toy I had wanted to purchase on-line. The super soft plush toy whose legs squeaked - yep - all four of the legs make noise! I couldn't believe my luck!

It was upside down on top of a bunch of chew bones. It had a snag in the material but I knew Kino wouldn't care. I was so excited! The toy didn't have a tag on it so I asked an employee if she could check the price for me. She was super friendly and when she returned, she informed me that the toy was $2.50. I couldn't believe it! That was an even better price than they had listed on line and it was less expensive than the tiny toy I was returning!

Just as I expected, Kino was over the moon when he opened his present, as demonstrated by the cacophony of squeaks that filled the house for the rest of the day and the way he pranced around the house with his toy. Here's a picture of Kino with his toy in one of the rare moments that he actually set it down that day.

I write this post today as a gentle reminder that we really DO get to choose what we focus on (which will draw in experiences that match that frequency).

When you notice yourself focusing on the negative - you can keep focusing on that if you want. You also have the option to shift your focus to something else if you choose.

So ask yourself . . . do you want to keeping focusing on how mad it makes you when people don't follow the rules you think they should follow? or share the same beliefs as you? That is absolutely your right if that's what you'd like to do.

You can also put your attention on the things you DO have control over if you'd like to do that. That gives out a different frequency and you'll draw in more of that.

Heck, you can even focus on things from your heart if you choose (i.e. seeing people and situations from a place of compassion and understanding, noticing things that make you happy or things you feel grateful for).

You can do whatever you want to do. The important thing to remember is that YOU get to choose what you focus on. What you draw into your reality will match that energy frequency.

Empaths and HSPs Are Similar But Not the Same

Recently a friend of mine asked me what the difference between HSPs (highly sensitive person) and Empaths was. The lines are so blurred that people often use the terms interchangeably when in fact they are two very different things. Almost every article you find written about Empaths are actually describing HSP's so it's no wonder people are confused.

The complication arises in part because most people who are Empaths are also HSP's. Current research shows that HSP's make up about 10-15 percent of the world population, while Empaths are only about 3-5 percent of the world population (with Empaths typically considered a subset of HSP's so most Empaths are also HSP).

To me, the main difference is that HSPs are just that - Highly sensitive. They are sensitive to sound and smells i.e. they more likely to be bothered by a piece of equipment that is buzzing, while others may not even notice the sound. They are sensitive to the feelings of others i.e. when they see someone cry, they can't help but tear up also. I also see HSP's (myself included) as hyper-alert beings who are acutely aware of their surroundings.

Empaths are typically all of that AND they are sensitive to energy. They feel energy in a way that most people can't quite comprehend. We literally feel the energy of others inside our bodies as if it is our own. Therefore, if we are sitting next to someone who has knee pain, we will feel pain in our knee too. And if we are around people who are sad or angry, we will feel sad and angry too (and not always realized that the sadness and anger belongs to someone else).

So why it is important to make a distinction?  Mainly because the tools and techniques needed to thrive as an Empath (transmuting and clearing energy) are not the same ones you need to thrive as an HSP.  Many Empaths struggle because the information being shared doesn't always help if you are an Empath (although it will help if you are an HSP).

Why am I sharing this information now? Because being an empath has never been more challenging or more "work" than it is right now. Empaths FEEL energy - and they feel it inside their bodies - so whatever the people around them are feeling (physically and emotionally) - whatever people in the collective are feeling - they are feeling too. If an empath assumes everything they are feeling is theirs, they are likely struggling right now - and have for months - with all the fear being generated in the collective as well as the anger and confusion people are experiencing. The more we are able to transmute and clear energy from our body and our energy field that isn't ours, the more we are able to come into our hearts and find center and consequently the easier time we'll have navigating this time of upheaval on our planet.

It is imperative that Empaths take care of themselves right now - in a manner and to a degree that most people will not understand - and that's ok. If the statistics are correct, only 3-5% of the population is going to relate to how we feel anyway so we need to take care of ourselves, regardless of whether or not the people around us understand.

If you are interested in reading more about the difference between HSPs and Empaths, I suggest checking out this link:

https://thehappysensitive.com/being-empathic-versus-being-empath-crucial-differences/

It is one of the best articles I have seen on the topic. It was written by Caroline Van Kimmenade.  Her website is thehappysensitive.com and she's got a lot of good information on there if you have some time to explore it.

In the meantime, if you are an Empath . . . be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, devote as much time and attention to self-care as you can, sleep as much as your body needs you to, cut yourself slack if your emotions are all over the place from one minute to the next. Find ways to come back to yourself and your heart as frequently as you can. There has never been this much dense energy rising to the surface, so we've never had to be quite this diligent about transmuting / clearing energy and finding center again.

Someday soon we will see why our role here has been so important (if you don't know it already). I know sometimes it feels like it is never ending . . . and there may be moments (and even hours or days) right now where you might wish you weren't an Empath because it has been a LOT of work lately but hang in there. The world needs all of us right now. The world needs us to be in our hearts as much as possible and to hold space as strongly as we can, while the world spins through all of this chaos.