When Someone Is Grieving a Loss

When I stumbled upon the information below, it was the perfect summary of my thoughts and feelings on the topic of speaking to someone who has suffered a big loss. Knowing so many people who are dealing with loss/grief and being in the midst of it myself, I thought others might find it helpful as well.

The truth is not everyone can handle another person's grief - there is no judgment there. It can be challenging for many reasons. Some people are just not comfortable with the emotions of grief. Some people want to avoid it because someone else's grief could trigger some of their own fully expressed grief. It can also be difficult to know what to say. For some it may feel like saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. Or offering a platitude is safer than trying to figure out what would be best for the person in grief. On top of that, sometimes we say things that seem like they will be helpful, and we do so with the best of intentions, yet the words end up not being as helpful as we hoped they would be. Basically, there are a whole list of reasons why it is difficult.

I found the information below to be a wonderful guide. My hope is that it might assist you the next time you encounter someone who has been hit with a huge loss. 

A guide for what you could say when someone you know has experienced a painful loss:

"Instead of saying, "I know what it feels like", let's say "I cannot imagine your heartbreak". 

Instead of saying, "You're strong, you'll get through this, let's say " You'll hurt, and I'll be here. 

Instead of saying, "You look like you're doing well, Let's say, "How are you holding up today?" 

Instead of saying, "Healing takes time", let's say "Healing has no timeline". 

Instead of saying, "Everything happens for a reason, let's say "This must feel so terribly senseless right now". 

And when there are no words to say at all, you don't need to try and find some. Love speaks in silences too." (Ullie Kaye Poetry)

Yes, Instead of assuming to know the depths of another's pain, let us acknowledge the unfathomable ache in their hearts with empathy. 

Instead of offering false reassurances of strength, let us stand by their side, acknowledging their hurt and offering our unwavering presence. 

Instead of glossing over the struggles with superficial observations, let us inquire about their well-being with genuine concern. 

Instead of imposing a timetable on healing, let us recognize its nonlinear nature, allowing space for its organic process. 

Instead of seeking explanations in empty platitudes, let us acknowledge the rawness of grief and the absence of sense. 

In moments of wordless despair, let love fill the void with its quiet, comforting presence. 

(btw: the post did not list the author. The first half has cited the source, but not the second half so if anyone knows who wrote it, please let me know as I would love to give them credit. 

Lucky For Me - Second Edition Available Now!

 A few months ago, I received an incredibly powerful piece of feed back from someone after they finished reading my book. They wrote: "Your book is kinda like the boulder that gets dropped in the lake - exponentially magnifying Lucky's impact and a testament to you and your growth. I'm very grateful for your story, for you sharing it with the world and that I got to read it." My heart was deeply touched by the comment and it inspired me to move forward more quickly with the revisions of my book.

This week was the 15 year anniversary of Lucky's transition, so it seemed as if the timing was perfect for the Second Edition of Lucky For Me to come out. In case you were wondering what has changed from the first edition to the second edition, the changes were mostly addressing those pesky typos and punctuation errors that snuck through into the first edition. 

Truth be told, I also became aware that I have a tendency to reuse certain words - over and over again - LOL - so in the revised version, I was able to use my thesaurus to add some more variety to a few specific word choices.  :-)

For those of you who were afraid to share my book with friends and family who are teachers, those who work in editing jobs or those who just have a knack for those kinds of details - for fear of giving them a headache - I am happy to say with a higher degree of confidence that you should be able to share my book with them now. :-) 

I also added a few pages to honor my sweet boy Kino who passed away this summer. It didn't feel right to leave him out since he was such a big support to me while I was getting the book edited and published a few years ago. 

Here is a link to purchase the paperback version of the Second Edition: CLICK HERE TO BUY PRINT BOOK

In addition to that, I have decided to make an Ebook available via Amazon. I was previously resistant because I personally prefer a hand held copy of a book :-) but I have come to learn that a lot of people prefer to read books on their kindles so I decided it was time to broaden my scope. It should be up and available next week on Amazon. UPDATE: The Ebook is now available and can be purchased here: Buy e-book edition

Circling back to it being the 15 year anniversary of Lucky's transition on the 15th of October, she was definitely letting me know she was around. I'm not sure if I have ever had so many "visitors" in the yard in one day. 

From the squirrels (and especially the bold little squirrel who came up to the back door a few times and bopped the glass with his nose to let me know he would like some nuts), to the crows that walked around the yard and then sat on the fence to watch over me while I was outside, to a feral cat who come by to see what all the excitement was about and hung out for a while. 

It felt really nice to be surrounded by all of them and I could feel in my heart that they were all messengers from Lucky (and Kino too) letting me know that they knew the importance this particular date held for me and they were sharing it with me. 

I felt even more sure of that the next day, when not a single visitor came by. Definite confirmation that something lovely and magical was happening here on October 15th. 

I hope those of you who haven't read my book yet will enjoy the new and improved version. And that those of you who have read it will feel even more comfortable sharing it with others or buying copies as gifts. And finally, I hope that those of you who prefer Ebooks will be even more inspired to check out my book.

Happy reading everyone!! 

ps: For anyone who would like to see a description of the book and don't want to deal with extra clicks to look at the publisher's website, here is a picture of the book summary on the back cover: 

You can also find this book summary at: https://riversanctuarypublishing.com/shop/lucky-for-me/

Kino's First Nickname

 When Kino came to live with me as my "foster dog" - the first nickname he got was "Mr. Puppy." He earned his nickname when I realized that while he may have LOOKED like an adult dog at 90 pounds, everything else about him was pure puppy. 

My guess was that he was never allowed inside his previous home because he didn't know the first thing about being inside a house. Consequently, we had to start with the basics . . . potty training, simple commands (sit, down, stay), etc.  I also had to help him get comfortable with all the things he would encounter while living indoors.

He had obviously never encountered a mirror before because he would routinely go into the half-bath where the mirror came down to sink level. Standing with his chin resting on the sink counter, he would whimper (or bark) at the sight of another German shepherd in the house.  LOL  He didn't know how to go up and down stairs and he hadn't yet learned that counter-surfing was a no-no. He didn't get on the furniture, even when invited up. It was as if every single thing inside a house was a "first" for him.

I also described him as a 90 pound feral cat because he reacted much the same as a feral might when you attempted to touch him (which made grooming impossible, as well as cleaning his ears which were a necessity because he came out of the shelter with a horrendous ear infection). His reaction to everything was to try to bite you. Since he was pretty much an "adult dog" with "adult teeth" it wasn't quite like dealing with a puppy. He could do some serious damage with those big strong teeth of his. He didn't know how to take a treat from your hand without somehow biting your fingers/hand. 

Then there was the odd mixture of him not wanting to be touched yet also not wanting to let me out of his sight. He was literally on my heels and/or standing on top of my feet every time I moved. I can still remember how much my feet hurt that first month from constantly having him step on the tops of my feet. I had to stop wearing flip-flops inside the house because he put his foot inside my shoe each time I took a step. Since my foot wasn't moving with the rest of my body, I was lurched forward giving me a constant neck ache and throwing my back out of alignment. 

If I needed to go to the bathroom, he would follow me in there and then attempt to play tug of war with my underwear, WHILE they were still on my body. When I changed the sheets, he also thought it was an invitation to play tug of war with each sheet / blanket as I attempted to put them on the bed. 

It was all "puppy" but so much more challenging with his size and his high level of strength. In an attempted to be humored by these behaviors rather than irritated by them, I used his nickname more often than his real name. He was and will always be my "Mr. Puppy." 

Waking Up

I had to use an alarm to get up earlier this week, which brought up another round of grief for me. Since Kino and I had a special "arrangement" for the days I needed to use an alarm and this was the first time I had to do that without his assistance, I had to process another aspect of his absence.

Because of my sensitivity to energy, I don't have electronics in my bedroom and because of my sensitive nervous system, I try to avoid being woken up by any kind of jarring noise. Given all of that Kino and I partnered on how to wake me up when it was necessary for me to get up early.

For all these years, this is how it worked: I set the alarm on my phone (with a song instead of a beep) and then I'd leave the phone in the kitchen (which was the opposite end of the house from the bedroom). 

When the alarm went off, Kino heard it, not me. LOL What I WOULD hear was the pitter patter of his feet as he excitedly ran up and down the hall, followed by him licking my face. It was the sweetest way to wake up . . . so I wasn't looking forward to having to do it without him this morning.

When I set the alarm the night before (with a little bit of dread), I decided to plug the phone in closer to my bedroom so I was more likely to hear it. Fortunately, I WAS able to hear the music at my "wake up time" and much to my delight the song that played was Crystal Blue Persuasion. So instead of focusing on Kino's absence and having another wave of grief come through, I got to hear these lyrics instead (I think he had a hand/paw in this):

Look over yonder

What do you see?

The sun is a-rising

Most definitely

A new day is coming (ooh, ooh)

People are changing

Ain't it beautiful? (Ooh, ooh)

Crystal blue persuasion

Better get ready to see the light

Love, love is the answer (ooh, ooh)

And that's all right

So don't you give up now (ooh, ooh)

So easy to find

Just look to your soul (your soul)

And open your mind

Crystal blue persuasion, hmm, hmm

It's a new vibration

Crystal blue persuasion

Crystal

Blue persuasion

Middle Names

As those of you who have read my book know, Lucky got a middle name at the insistence of the precious kids we played with at the park all the time. (They even came up with a list of "suitable" possibilities for me to choose from.)  It was the first time I had ever given a pet a middle name but I rather liked finally being able to answer the question "What is Lucky's middle name?" - which I think every child we ever met asked me. haha

The funny thing is that it didn't dawn on me for years (after she officially became "Lucky Rose") that my great-grandmother on my mother's side was named Rose and my dad's sister in law was also named Rose. And my mom was known around the neighborhood as "The Rose Lady" because of her extensive rose garden . . . none of which the kids at the park knew. (Filed in the "Things that make you go Hmmm" folder)  

So, when I gave up my title as "foster mom" with Kino and officially became his adoptive mom, I knew right away that I would need to find just the right middle name for him.  

I didn't pick the name Kino - it was the name that was written on the paperwork when he was surrendered to the shelter. Since he already seemed to know his name I never considered changing it. I didn't know the origins of his name at the time but it reminded me of a couple boys I knew when I was younger named Kimo and they were both Hawaiian so I thought maybe we could find a Hawaiian middle name for him. 

I remember so vividly having Kino at my feet that day as I sat at the dining table with my laptop. After explaining that I wanted him to help me select his middle name, I pulled up a website of Hawaiian names and began reading them out loud. I read each possibility following his name so he could hear how they sounded together, in case that helped him make a choice.

After what felt like hours (but was probably more like 10 minutes - LOL), Kino still hadn't shown an indication that he liked any of the options. I wondered if maybe he didn't understand what we were doing so I explained once again that I wanted him to help me choose his middle name. About 5 minutes later, I said "Kino Kealohalani" and his head popped up, followed by extremely strong eye contact with me. I said, "Is that the one you like?" 

Wanting to be sure, I continued to read some other options from the list of Hawaiian names. Eventually I circled back to "Kino Kealohalani" and once again, boom!  He looked right at me and held his stare. I took that as confirmation that he had indeed just made his selection.

After looking into the name further, I learned that the name means "The brightness of heaven" or "The love from heaven." It is hard to describe the feeling I had when I saw the meaning of the name . . . it was like a confirmation that he was brought into my life for a reason and that I had made the right choice to become a "foster failure" and keep him. (Even though my choice to adopt him was less about falling in love with him and more about worrying he would be put down if he didn't have a super conscientious adopter because Kino had some aggression issues that if not properly managed could get him in a lot of trouble). 

Nonetheless, I DID end up falling in love with him and even though it was extra work over the years to make sure he was never in a situation where he could bite someone, I never regretted the choice I made. A big part of that was the meaning of his middle name, which many times over the years gave me goosebumps just thinking about it. He showed me countless times and in countless ways that he was my "Brightness and Love from heaven." 

The funny thing is, I didn't find out until later that it is typically a name for a girl but who was I to question Kino's choice.  :-)  I am sure he had a good reason for it. Years after that, while chatting with someone from Germany, I learned that Kino is actually the short form of "cinematography" (in German). It gave me quite a chuckle that his name was German not Hawaiian, yet it also feels divinely orchestrated that I didn't know any of that the day we chose his middle name. 

While Kino and I had a very different relationship than Lucky and I did, our connection and bond were just as strong. The significance of the things he came to teach me were just as important. The love we shared was just as powerful. I told him every night when we were getting ready for bed that he was my best friend in the whole world and I meant it with all of my heart every time I said it.

One of the many things he taught me was to love him (and myself) for who we WERE - not who we wished we could be or hoped we would be - to just fully embrace the idea that we deserved to be loved for exactly who we were. 

He also taught me about the importance of having JOY in my life. He made it his mission to bring me joy every day (his goofy antics could fill a book!) and I found myself constantly looking for ways to bring HIM joy as well. Even though our years together came with a long list of challenges, he never stopped finding ways to make me laugh. He was most definitely my little "Joy-Bringer."

My dear Kino Kealohalani, my brightness and love from heaven - I hope you know how much I love you and miss you! 

Kino Kealohalani Burkley - 7/13/2012 - 7/16/2024

My precious Kino made his transition on July 16, 2024.  It was 3 days after his 12th birthday. 

Currently, my feelings are too raw and I find it nearly impossible to write a post that truly honors my sweet boy. I will add to this post when I am able to. 

For now, I just wanted to share the news, as I know a lot of you know we have been trying to heal his cancer since last August. About 5 years ago, we were able to do it - this time we just couldn't - no matter how much we tried.

I am grateful for all the years I had with Kino. I learned so much from him and he completely won my heart over. Regardless of how rocky our start was, it was so worth it to have him as my partner in life.

I miss him more than I can express right now. Please hold us both in your hearts if you feel so inspired. 

Animals Do Get Mad

 

This is a blog I wrote almost fifteen years ago. I noticed that recently it has been getting a lot of views so there is something in here that people seem to be interested in. Thus, I am giving it a refresh and publishing it again - trusting that it will serve people in some way.

Sometimes people get confused about the emotional side of animals and have a difficult time squaring up all the different things we hear about what animals feel. They find that the things they believe about animals are occasionally in direct conflict with other things they believe about animals. 

One example of this is the belief that animals love unconditionally so people often assume that means they can't get mad. But the truth is animals DO get mad and for some people that doesn't seem to gel with the idea that animals are just happy all the time, happy to be with us, thrilled when we walk in the door (ok, maybe that isn't what everyone believes about cats) :-) but it's difficult sometimes to embrace the idea that if our animals feel, then they have the capacity to feel all the things we feel, and that includes being irritated or mad at times. 

I think the difference with animals is that they seem to get over it more quickly, forgive almost immediately. They don't hold grudges. They can be mad one moment and then be finished with the feeling. Often times all it takes is for someone to acknowledge their feelings or explain something to them and then they feel content again. I think that is why they are generally peaceful and happy. They may be irritated from time to time or get their feelings hurt, but they don't stay stuck there, as far as I can tell. 

But still, sometimes it's hard for us to believe that they get upset, especially if they are upset with us. Years ago when I was in the presence of another animal communicator, I was talking to her about my beliefs about animals and I said something about some breeds of dogs being smarter than other breeds. She stopped and said, "Lucky is upset with you for saying that" and I was thinking "What? Lucky's mad at me? How is that possible, with all the nice things I do for her. :-) It wasn't like I said German Shepherds are dumb."

The communicator told me that Lucky believed all animals are equally intelligent and that the only difference is in how they are labeled and treated. Since certain breeds are labeled as "more intelligent" they show more of their intelligence. Breeds that are labeled as "goofy" often act that way to appease our expectation. On a personal level, if they are treated like they are smart and will catch on quickly to things, then they usually do. If they are treated like they are dumb, they don't bother to let their intelligence shine through. She said Lucky was upset that I didn't realize that all animals were equally intelligent. 

I am happy to say I have learned a lot about animals since then and have since grown to share Lucky's belief. I'm embarrassed that I used to misunderstand animals that way. I don't even know where I learned that  but I'm just happy that I got "re-educated." While it took me a few days to wrap my mind around the idea that Lucky could be mad at me, it seemed to shift our whole relationship onto a new level. I saw her in a different light and was much more conscious of the things I said and how she reacted. It changed the way I looked at ALL animals and helped me understand the magnitude of what they were capable of. 

I continue to see evidence of other animals being upset and it still makes me smile, because it is a reminder of their emotional capacity and how much richer our relationships with animals can be when we more fully embrace the depth of their emotional experience. 

One time I was giving a dog a Reiki treatment and I asked her guardian how her birthday was because I knew some friends of hers were throwing a party for her at a park. Just then I could feel irritation from her dog. When I tuned in, what I got from the dog was that she was mad that she hadn't been able to go to the party. In her mind, since the party was at a park, she should have been able to go. When I told her guardian what I was picking up, she smiled and nodding in a "knowing" sort of way, letting me know she wasn't entirely surprised to hear her dog was upset. She explained that this particular park didn't allow dogs. At first I felt resistance from her dog and could sense she didn't believe her guardian because she believed dogs were allowed at all parks as long as they were on leash and well behaved. Her guardian explained to her that this particular park didn't allow dogs because there were a lot of deer and other wildlife . . . while her guardian was saying this, I felt contentment run through her dog's body. She heard what her guardian said, she understood it and she was no longer mad about being left at home when her mom went to the park for her party. 

Sometimes animals get irritated because there is a change in the home and no one bothered to give them a heads up about it. It could be the arrival of a new animal, the departure of a family member, or where their bed got moved. Animals just want us to explain things to them. Once we do, they are content again. 

I have worked with many animals who were having "behavioral problems" that started once a new animal was brought into the household. Usually, all it takes is for their guardian and I to acknowledge their feelings and explain how things are going to be different or the same now that the new animal is there, and miraculously the "behavior problems" go away. As I said, they can "get over things" quickly once someone acknowledges their feelings and helps them understand what is going on. 

Our animals also get mad at us sometimes or feel let down if we aren't taking care of ourselves or we're letting other people hurt us. They don't stay mad, but they certainly have feelings about it. 

I had a client whose cat was sick so I was giving her frequent Reiki treatments. One particular day, I could feel anger coming from the cat, which I had never picked up before. I asked her guardian what had been going on around the house, and at first, he wasn't offering up much. The sense I got was that someone was being taken advantage of but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Finally, her guardian told me that his girlfriend hadn't been treating him very well lately and he admitted he wasn't doing anything about it. Finally, the pieces fell into place and I explained that his cat was upset that he wasn't standing up for himself and that she would prefer if he didn't let the girlfriend walk all over him anymore. His reaction was a mixture of gratitude, amusement and disbelief. Months later, after the girlfriend had moved out, he confessed to me that he was still stunned (and very touched) that his cat cared that much about how he was being treated. 

This leads to another interesting thing about the work I do. I am usually contacted initially to help an animal, but the majority of the time, the guardian ends up getting help as well. I probably coach the humans as much as I communicate with the animals. Typically, I partner with the guardians to help the animals, and I partner with the animals to help the guardians . . . and it makes the work I do even more gratifying. 

If you aren't already embracing the depth of your animal's emotional capacity, I hope you will consider moving in that direction. There is so much we can learn from animals if we're willing to "listen" to them, observe them and give them credit for all they have to offer us.