Things Are Not Always What They Appear To Be

 

I am writing this in the hopes that it can be a gentle nudge for folks to sharpen their discernment skills. We are surrounded by so many opportunities to make assumptions and be led astray. A snapshot can take on so many different "meanings" based on what is written (or not written) to go along with the picture. Whether it is a personal picture or a picture on a business website . . . a sentence, a few sentences or a whole article - I see it happening all around us. This seems to be on the rise even more now than ever, which may require us to be more curious and to ask a lot more questions than we have had to in the past. 

A humorous example of this is several years ago a good friend of mine got chastised by family and "friends" for spending too much time in bars (based solely off his posts on social media). They saw him post artful pictures of cocktails, some group shots and empty plates and glasses. Based on that, people automatically assumed he was betraying his family, being an absentee father, becoming an alcoholic, etc. None of that could have been farther from the truth.

It irritated him so he called up a few of us and said "If you can come over tonight, I'll cook dinner. Oh and bring hats and some books." Of course we all thought "What??" but we complied. LOL  When we arrived he told us about the bashing he was getting and said he wanted to post something "different." We took some pictures with our hats and books and then he posted them on social media with a caption about being at a poetry reading that night. It was a hoot and we had a really good laugh over the whole thing.

It is a perfect example of how easy it is to misread / misunderstand pictures and how easy it is for people to purposely mislead others. Maybe you have seen some of this occurring as well. 

Bottom line, we will be helping ourselves immensely if we take the time to discern what the truth is . . . whether it is through asking questions, tuning into our intuition or any other means to authenticate what we are seeing or what assumptions we are about to make. Maybe it comes down to not automatically believing things unless we personally know the person who made the post or if you are only seeing pictures of "happy employees" while interviewing for a job, maybe you can ask for permission to speak to a few employees one-on-one to learn more about the company from them. Whatever the situation is - the point I am making is that it up to us to be more cautious about what is being shared or presented to us.

In the case of my friend all those years ago, he thought posting pictures of he and his family watching a movie together or a picture of he and his wife when they were sharing intimate time was not appropriate for social media and/or way too personal. He tended to take pictures when he was out with friends, whether it was a work function / offsite or boredom when his wife and kids went out of town to visit her parents. He was just being goofy and those of us who knew him and his sense of humor knew not to make any assumptions about what he posted.

After our "poetry reading" that night, we went for a walk around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights. While we were out, it started to rain but in the photographs, the raindrops looked more like snow. It would have been so easy to include a caption that said "First snow in California in three decades." Most folks wouldn't have thought twice about it, unless of course they were someone who lived in the neighborhood and knew better. :-) 

I'm not suggesting that we all become paranoid - LOL - just merely offering up that sharpening our discernment skills could help us quite a bit in the current environment we are in. Whether it is accidental or on purpose, it is really easy these days to give people a false impression, skew reality or get people to believe things that aren't true.

How Are We At Handling Conflicting Information?

Lately, I've been observing how much resistance there is to people hearing anything that doesn't match their current beliefs. I see people lashing out at the person who has attempted to shine the light on something they have a concern about. Often others react by ridiculing the person or flat out bullying them with negative comments, labeling them as "idiots, conspiracy theorists, fear mongerers" etc. or demanding that they "prove that with irrefutable scientific evidence." 

As someone who has been on the receiving end of some of these labels, as well as a witness to it happening to others, it can be incredibly disheartening when you see how downright ugly we can be to others when we are presented with something that we are not ready to consider. It seems that the more we don't want to believe something is true, the more resistant we can be. Why are we so afraid to open up to the possibility that we may not know the truth about everything?

Seeing someone or something that we have believed in or felt was a trusted authority crumble before our eyes can be difficult to wrap our brains around. I get it. I have experienced this myself, many times, when someone I looked up to fell off the pedestal I had put them on. I didn't want to see it at first - I just didn't want to believe that the "truth" that was being shown to me could be possible. 

There's that feeling of overwhelm that can come with it, the fear that everything we thought was true is going to come crashing down around us if we accept this new information. 

Over the years, I have come across a lot more information that I didn't want to believe at first. Even though it often initially had me reeling, in time I learned that it was helpful to just sit with it or "put a pin in it." I learned to wait and see if more information on the topic came across my path in the coming weeks and months. I learned to keep my eyes and my mind open so that if more information DID come along that either confirmed or refuted what I had read before, I would see it.

Knowing that the only thing we can truly control is ourselves and our reactions to things, that can be a good place to start. When someone says something that riles us up, rather than lashing out at that person, maybe we can stop and ask ourselves "Why is that bothering me so much?" 

Is it possible the person is sharing information that you just don't WANT to believe? What if what was being shared WAS true? What would it mean to us and our life? Would we be able to continue living as we assimilated that new information? or would our world truly fall apart if we accepted a new "truth" into our reality? Could it be possible that some of what the person is sharing is true? 

If you still think the person is an idiot or a conspiracy theorist, can you keep that to yourself rather than publicly slamming the person with those labels? Can you just file it away and be open to the fact that everyone has a right to believe what they believe? Can you maybe even consider the possibility that there might be some truth in what they shared?

Sometimes new information forces us to let go of some of our old beliefs. That isn't always a bad thing. Decades ago, I was given the opportunity to learn that doctors don't always have all the answers. Does that mean I think all doctors are bad? Not at all. It just means that I don't expect them to be perfect anymore. And it helped me learn to tune into my own body, to listen to what it was telling me instead of relying solely on their knowledge and opinions. Was it disappointing at the time? You bet it was . . . and yet ultimately it also helped empower me.

One of these days many of the things that have been "hidden" from us for decades (and centuries) might start coming out . . . and if so there is a good chance we are going to learn things we don't really want to know or be shown things that we won't want to accept. It seems like now is a pretty good time to prepare for it, to look at ourselves and see how we react and respond to information that is outside our comfort zone or outside of our "reality bubble." 

It may be the perfect time to find ways to process new information that we might not initially be comfortable with. That way, if and when light is shed on things that were previously hidden from us - whether it is a horrible experience or an experience that ultimately allows us to begin spreading our wings - will be entirely up to us. 

Reacting Based on Half The Story

Through most of my adult life, I had a very challenging relationship with my mother. I held firm to my belief that she didn't really care about me or my feelings and I viewed every action and every inaction through that filter.  

In my quest to heal the past, I realized my relationship with my mother began to unravel when I was in high school and sadly it could have been prevented if more honesty had been present.

It all started on a holiday weekend when my boyfriend came over with a couple dozen roses for me and not only would I not touch the roses, I would barely speak to him. My mother grabbed me by the arm, squeezing it so tightly her fingernails left deep impressions in my skin. Pulling me to the other side of the kitchen, she sternly told me that I was being an ungrateful little shit and that I'd better pull myself together and start acting the way I had been raised to act when someone gives me a gift. 

I remember feeling utterly stunned. I felt betrayed by her. I felt that she was telling me that "being gracious" - even if it was fake - was more important than the truth of why I was acting that way or the depth of pain I was feeling inside. I decided that she didn't understand me or care about my feeling and from that moment on, those were the "glasses" I wore when it came to my mom. Everything she did or said was seen and judged from that perspective.

But the truth was, my mom didn't know WHY I was acting that way towards my boyfriend because I never told her. 

What she didn't know was that the day before, he and I had been with our two best friends "celebrating" the holiday weekend aka "doing some underage drinking." My boyfriend had way too much to drink and in his drunken stupor he had decided that he was tired of waiting for me to be ready for sex and he had attempted to rape me. If his best friend hadn't heard me screaming and come to my rescue, he likely would have been successful. His friend pulled him off me with such force, he slammed him up against the wall. Too scared to move, I remained where I was on the floor, huddled in the corner of the room, my heart pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. My best friend rushed to my side, while his friend dragged him out of the room, berating him for what he had just done to me.

I hadn't even had a chance to start processing what had just happened when his best friend ran back into the room to tell us that my boyfriend had announced he was going to kill himself and took off in his car. I remember saying, "He's driving?" He was so drunk he could barely walk - I shuddered to think he was behind the wheel of a car. We all rushed out to the front yard but he (and the car) were nowhere in sight.

At that point the tears began flowing, although it was such a jumbled mixture of emotions, I felt like my head was going to explode. I just sat there on the front lawn and sobbed, my chest heaving up and down, sandwiched between his best friend and mine, with neither of them knowing how to help me in that moment. 

I felt angry and betrayed by him . . . I was afraid of him . . . I was scared to death that he was going to actually kill himself . . . . I worried that it would be my fault if he did. My sixteen year old self wasn't able to cope with all that had just happened. I needed him to come back and be ok and yet a part of me didn't want him to come back because he had broken my heart and my trust so deeply. Everything was swirling around so quickly inside of me, I was sure I would throw up.

He eventually came back - and while I was grateful he didn't kill himself - I think it was our relationship that had been killed that day. It was just never the same. The events that unfolded that day impacted me in more ways than I understood at the time and it took years for me to unravel the myriad of ways that one day had shaped my beliefs and my own behavior from that point forward. 

The next day, I chose to put most of the blame on my mother. I made her the "bad guy" in this because I thought she didn't care about what happened to me and how scared I was. In my mind, she was trying to force me to act in a way that was about "keeping up appearances" instead of showing me any compassion. My boyfriend claimed he had blacked out and didn't remember what had happened (which was entirely possible) so there was no way I could talk to him about it. Our friends didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't sure I could talk about it either. I think all of us wanted to pretend it hadn't occurred. 

I didn't tell my mom what happened and I blamed her for that too - justifying that she hadn't ASKED me what happened - which to me was proof that she didn't care. I further justified my silence by holding the assumptions that she wouldn't understand or that she wouldn't believe me or that she would think I was being overly dramatic about the whole thing or that I would get in trouble for drinking. And yes, I had good reasons for making those assumptions, but I never gave her the chance to prove me wrong because I was so set in my beliefs. I had found someone to blame - end of story.

But the truth was - SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED. She didn't know the TRUTH because I didn't tell her. I didn't take responsibility for the fact that she didn't know. I was content to stick with my version of the story for decades - that my mom didn't care about my feelings. Sticking to my version of the truth kept me from having a better relationship with my mother - I see that and own that now.

So why am I recounting this highly dramatic event from my past today? Because it highlights what I see happening in our world right now. We are in an incredibly emotionally charged time and I see people doing the very same things . . . Can you see all the parallels?

- Blaming people for what they are doing/not doing without understanding the whole story.

- Reacting to things without having all the information. (and I say that without blame, it is not easy to access truthful information or to discern what IS true out of the sea of conflicting information out there) 

- Blaming / shaming people for not knowing the truth, when they haven't been told the truth or are unable to find it.

- Holding onto our beliefs (and our version of the story) so tightly that we can't see anything else.

- Deciding how people are going to react before they have a chance to show us anything different.

At this moment in time, so many of us are so caught up in the emotions that are surging forth that we often can't see outside of our own stories or see the bigger picture. If we continue on this path, the divide between us is going to get wider and wider. Our relationships with others might become so damaged they will be nearly impossible to heal. Our ability to come together to find resolutions could be greatly diminished. If we operate so heavily from a place of fear like that, we might even forget what it is like to feel love and joy.

So here is my challenge to you . . . would you be willing to do any of the following? 

- Listen to someone else's point of view with an ear towards where your beliefs might be in alignment instead of where they are different.

- Consider the possibility that we may be reacting to misinformation or "half of the story."

- Remember that we need many of the same things . . . to be heard, to be understood, to be supported.

- Offer compassion to others - whether we agree with them or not.

- Look inside and see where we can take some responsibility for what is occurring, instead of blaming others for what is happening.

- Be open to new information that may not line up with what we have always believed to be true.

- Ask ourselves: Do I want to know the truth? or do I want to be right? Would I rather live my life in fear? or from a place of love?

Furthermore - Can we consider the possibility that we have ALL been lied to about what is really happening in the world and that none of us know the full truth / the full story?

We can continue to believe "our side/story" is right and the "other side/story" is wrong if we want . . . but we just may find that both sides are equally flawed and equally complicit. Do you want to stay stuck in that place of separation?

I believe the time is upon us to make a change . . . to open our ears and open our hearts . . . to come together and unite - in peace and in love. We can change this world we live in if we choose to . . . one moment at a time . . . one day at a time. It truly is up to us. The question is: What are you going to choose? 

P.S.  For those of you who are concerned and/or feeling sorry for me,  please know that all is well. Gratefully my mom and I were able to reach a place of resolve and forgiveness before she passed away and my high school boyfriend and I are actually friends (with a lot of effort over the years to work through this and find forgiveness and peace.)  It is probably the reason why it was easy to share this story because we all managed to reach the "other side" of it - therefore it possible for it to be a "neutral example."