Do You Need To Say It?

Something I have been observing is that people seem to be even more critical and cranky and wanting to be "right" than ever before.  Lately the thought of getting on Facebook or Next-door has me cringing because so many of the comments lean towards the negative.  So, I am writing this post as a plea  . . . asking if you will please ask yourself "Do I need to say this?" before you make a comment.

This is up for me right now because my next door neighbor posted some beautiful pictures on our neighborhood Facebook page yesterday . . . pictures she had taken of all the incredible birds she had been able to enjoy just that day.  Her post was clearly one of gratitude, as she expressed appreciation for getting to live in an area where such a variety of beautiful birds visit her yard.

And then the comments began . . . she was corrected on the spelling of one of the birds.  Really?  Will any harm really come to a Stellar's Jay if his name is written "Stellar Jay"?  She was corrected on the identification of one of the birds, then more people chimed in to disagree and argue about who was right. I shook my head in disappointment . . . they all seemed to be missing the point of her post. Then someone commented on how much they loved Stellar's Jays and that they were told by a Park Ranger that they are actually considered a nuisance bird but that it didn't make her love them any less.  And the derogatory comments began to fly . . . about the park ranger . . . about what birds are indigenous to our areas and which ones aren't . . . and what people do to the birds they don't "like" . . . the more I read, the more my heart sank.  My poor neighbor just wanted to share an uplifting post with some amazing photographs she had taken and instead people couldn't seem to make negative comments fast enough.

It got me thinking about how often things devolve this way - especially in social media . . and I thought about how much I wished people would pause before commenting . . . to take a breath and ask "Do I need to say this?" . . . Is it the end of the world if the spelling is wrong? Is it going to have a positive effect on the situation if I malign the unnamed Park Ranger?  Is it going to do any good at all? or is it just going to create negative energy? Is it just going to inspire more people to be negative?

When I was sitting with this last night, wondering why it bothered me so much, I realized that it comes down to how we treat people and treating people with kindness and respect is very important to me. It takes so little energy to treat others with kindness (or to follow my mom's rule of "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all")  We have choices all the time about how we say things . . . a few word changes and we can either help someone or really knock someone down.

Years ago, when I was working on my book (which still isn't done), one of the people who was helping me edit the book had a particularly harsh way of giving feedback. Instead of saying "you mention this here and then you mention it again in the next chapter, you probably only need to say it once" - she said "You're totally insulting the reader by saying this again, you're treating them like they aren't smart enough to remember information from the previous chapter!" I was stunned because I didn't have ANY intention of insulting someone who was reading my book.  The manner that she chose to give me feedback eroded my self esteem so much, I questioned whether it was worth it or not to get her assistance. It even made me question whether I should try and finish the book.

There is so much going on in the world right now and I get that people are frustrated and they are scared and yet to me, it seems like that makes it even MORE important to show others a little kindness.  Can we cut each other a little slack? . . . Can we take a breath and ask ourselves "Do I really need to say this?" or "Is there a nicer way I can say this?" Rather than hurting people's feelings and making them feel "less than" can we instead say things in a way that allows for a little grace?  Can we show each other just a little more kindness?  I think it would go a long way towards making this time we are in feel a little less frustrating and scary.

The Small Joys in Life

If you are sensitive to energy, the last few months have likely been a wild ride. Even if you aren't sensitive to energy, the things that are happening in the world are enough to make anyone's head spin so chances are, many of you have found it challenging to get through the day(s).

I am a big believer in "what you focus on expands" . . . so I do my best to focus on every positive thing that happens, no matter how small . . .  and to relish in the joy of it.  It is not always easy to do that though.

One of the things I have been battling with in recent months is all my electronics going hay-wire.  Phones going out, phone batteries draining at an alarming rate, my CD player breaking, printer issues, etc.  You name it, it's happened.  I won't lie, it's been a bit of a struggle to keep myself from focusing on my frustrations with many of these situations, especially when something decides to stop working at the exact moment you need it to work but this weekend, I got a fun dose of "magic" that made it a lot easier to shift my focus.

When my CD player died, the carousel door would no longer open, and it just made a horrible grinding noise. I found a replacement CD player on Craigslist, which was great but it didn't solve the issue of my five favorite CD's being stuck inside the old player.  Dealing with it has been on my to-do list for months and last weekend, I finally spoke to my next door neighbor who is an engineer about it.  He said he would be happy to open it up for me and reunite me with my CD's and as luck would have it, he had the special tools needed to open it up.

At a predetermined time, I walked over there, CD player in hand.  After greeting me at the door, he told me I could put it down on the recliner chair.  I was in the process of setting it down, while also saying hello to his wife, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something . . . I looked down and noticed one of the CD's was coming out on its own.  She and I were so excited and as I reached down to pull it the rest of the way out, she exclaimed "Another one is coming out!"  Mind you, it was not plugged in, the carousel door was still shut tight but somehow the CD's were just coming out on their own.  Once all five of them were out, we all sat down and had the biggest chuckle together. We joked that the husband was SO skilled, he didn't even need to touch the CD player in order to retrieve the CD's and we joked that maybe there were some angels and fairies that had been working "behind the scenes" to get them out.

All night long I couldn't stop smiling - I am sure there are lots of technically minded people who could offer an explanation for how the CD's freed themselves, but I was content to think that it was just pure magic!  Bringing the CD player over gave me a chance to have a really nice visit with my neighbors so there was no downside to the experience.  It was easy to focus on how happy I was to have access to my favorite CD's again, which is where I would prefer to put my energy.

Yesterday was another tough day energy wise . . . I experienced waves of extreme tiredness, peppered with bizarre pains that came and went and vision that was so blurry in moments that I couldn't read anything so it was a challenge to keep my thoughts focused on anything positive for very long.

Fortunately for me, Kino was here to shift my focus and lighten the mood.  It occurred when we got home from the grocery store.  As usual, I placed the grocery bags on the kitchen counter and then began putting everything away.  While I was doing this, Kino was crying and carrying on.  At first I was slightly annoyed that he was making so much noise when I was trying to concentrate and a little annoyed that I had to keep stepping over him and around him to get to the refrigerator and to the pantry.

And then finally I stopped and looked at him . . . . and I realized that all of his whiny excitement was over the fact that he thought I bought a toy for him at the store . . . his over-the-top excitement was over the toilet bowl brush I had pulled out of the shopping bag.  I went from being slightly annoyed to laughing so hard I could barely hold my phone steady as I tried to get pictures of him.  I wish I had video too but the pictures capture the moment well enough.

Not only did he shift me into laughter but he also reminded me that it's ok to get excited about the little things in life . . . even if that little thing is just a new toilet bowl brush.

So what are you focusing on?  If we get more of what we focus on (What we focus on expands), it's worth it to pay attention to where our focus is. Like I said, it's not always easy but when you can do it, life definitely feels more fun!!

We Are One But We're Not The Same

People often speak of the concept that "we are one" . . . meaning that we are all energy, we are all divine beings having a human experience and we are all portions of a greater whole.

At the same time, we are each on our own journey . . . having our own experiences . . . reacting and responding to things differently - based on how we were raised (beliefs, culture, etc), based on our unique body chemistry, etc.

I'm learning just how important it is to honor our uniqueness - our individualness - because there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to anything in life.  I'm also learning that the key to being able to honor our uniqueness lies in our ability to truly listen to ourselves.  The more we listen to ourselves, our bodies and our hearts, the easier it is to navigate the multitude of options available to us.

I got "schooled" in this when I first adopted Kino.  He was a German shepherd, just like my previous dog Lucky, so even though I knew his temperament and his personality were different, I assumed everything else would be the same.  I was wrong.

Lucky loved eating ice cubes and always got a frozen Kong filled with goodies when I left her alone so I did the same thing with Kino . . . and quickly discovered that when anything cold hit his stomach, he would projectile vomit.  It had never occurred to me that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the same treats as her.

I used a prong collar with Lucky, which kept her from pulling when we were on walks. She didn't seem to mind it at all so I used one with Kino early on and quickly (although not quickly enough) discovered that it sparked intense aggression in him.

They are unique individuals - regardless of how "alike" they seem - and I have learned that I should never assume that because something worked with her that it will work with him.

This applies to humans as well.  We forget sometimes that we truly are different, even if we seem similar from the outside.  I am very cautious now when I hear people push things from a "one-size-fits-all" perspective . . . whether it's a diet, a holistic approach to healing, or anything else.

People have such strong opinions about the food we eat.  People who are vegan often believe that it's the ONLY way and admonish people who still eat meat. Many people who follow the Paleo diet do the same thing. People who have had success following the guidance in the book The Medical Medium often believe that if anyone has any health issues, they just need to drink celery juice every morning and all their issues will be resolved.  I don't believe that is true.  Our power lies in learning to pay attention to our own bodies, to pay attention to how we feel after we eat this or that.  The more we listen to ourselves, the less we pay attention to what everyone else says is the "right way" the happier and healthier we will be.

From a healing perspective there are so many options out there.  There is EFT and tapping, Reiki, acupuncture, breathing techniques, affirmations, somatic therapy, cranial sacral therapy and so many more!  And what works for one person may not work for the next.  If we try out a specific healing modality, what's important is for us to then listen to ourselves to know if it helped or not.  Just because it helped someone else doesn't mean it will be the right modality for us.

I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the gift of listening . . . listening to ourselves, to how we feel, how our bodies react and respond to different things.  There's a lot of pressure out there to "conform" because people inadvertently think they have "the" answer, when the truth is, "the" answer is unique to each one of us.

So listen to yourself, trust your own inner knowing about what is right for you.  It will help you in ways that may surprise you.

Becoming An Empowered Empath

I'm writing this blog for people who identify as empaths because it is not always an easy journey.  From the research I have found, only 5-7% of the population are empaths.  Regardless of whether that statistic is accurate (i.e. if the number is higher), the point is that the % of us on the planet is small right now.  This means that learning how to "be" an empath can be very challenging because we don't learn about it in school and there didn't used to be any resources available to support us in how we experience the world. A lot of people who are empaths spend the first part of their lives feeling that there is something very wrong with them and wishing they could just be like everyone else.

Here are some of the things we may feel before we realize we're an empath:

The Unaware Empath:

- Feel different than everyone else
- Often wonder if there is something wrong with us
- Can feel overwhelmed by people, places and things
- Can feel very emotional and not always understand why
- Often feel overly responsible for everyone else's happiness
- Can feel exhausted after being around people
- Often feel taken advantage of by others
- Sometimes feels victimized by the effect other people have on them
- Can feel a little crazy sometimes

Then the first bit of magic arrives! When we reach the part of our journey where we realize there is a "name" for this thing we are - this way of being in the world that seems so wildly different from everyone else - and with that comes a feeling of elation. So many things about ourselves and our lives finally make sense and it can be an incredibly wonderful feeling when the puzzle pieces start to click into place. 

Unfortunately this stage is usually followed by a feeling of overwhelm as we begin to pay attention to how we react and respond to the energy that we are constantly absorbing in the world around us. We may find ourselves even more emotional than normal (and wonder how that's even possible). Then there is the onslaught of questions that start bouncing around in our heads. Are all these things we're feeling ours? or are we picking up on other people's emotions? or their physical pain? Are we only feeling what people in the room are feeling? or is it possible we are picking up on what someone is feeling 100 miles away? How do we stop this barrage of energy from throwing us off kilter all the time?

We may begin to feel that being around people and interacting with people is just too much to handle. Often we want to hibernate, we want to grocery shop late at night when most people are in bed and we sometimes feel the weight of the world slowly pushing us down. We may view being an empath as a curse or at a minimum feel that it's a pointless "gift" because we don't understand how to use it.

The wonderful news is that there IS a way out . . . there is a way to move from the initial overwhelm into a space where we truly see our gift as a GIFT and not a curse (the empowered empath). We can get to the place where we see how we can truly help others and be a positive force in the world without running ourselves into the ground doing it. There are tools and techniques we may need to learn in order to get there but we CAN get there. Some of the things that have been helpful to me and other empaths I have worked with are:

Getting Empowered:

- Learning to set boundaries
- Learning that its ok to say "No"
- Learning to accept and honor our own feelings
- Learning what emotions are ours and which emotions belong to others
- Learning to ground ourselves
- Learning how to manage energy (our own and other's)
- Healing old emotional wounds
- Finding our voice / giving ourselves permission to speak up
- Creating daily practices that honor our own self care
- Exploring our intuitive abilities

The road can be long or not quite as long, it can be difficult or not quite as difficult depending on where we are when we begin this journey, how much support we have and how dedicated we are to staying on this path to find our way back to ourselves. There is no "right" way to get there. Many of the hurdles will be different and we each need to find our own way but we CAN get there. We truly can get to the point where it's fun and exciting to be an empath. I promise you, it is well worth the journey.

When we reach the point of being an empowered empath, here are some of the things we might experience:

The Empowered Empath:

- Have more harmonious relationships
- Feel more of a sense of peace
- Able to set clear and healthy boundaries with others
- Confident in how we experience energy and our ability to transmute it
- Know we can effect the energy around us
- Can speak up when we have something to say
- Accept and honor the fact that we are each on our own journey - we no longer feel so responsible for everyone else
- Feel comfortable in our own skin
- Feel a stronger sense of purpose
- Know who we are and how we want to interact with the world
- Find ways (big and small) to use this gift of ours to be of service to humanity

Finally, it's important to point out that this isn't a linear path.  I have learned that for a while we may bounce back and forth between the "Unaware Empath" experiences and the "Empowered Empath" experiences.  There may be days where we really feel like we've got this! And a couple days later, we may feel like we've taken 10 steps backwards.

For instance, maybe you feel like you've finally mastered setting boundaries with others and are enjoying this new way of being and then "Boom!" - out of nowhere you encounter someone who seems to push every button you have and your boundaries collapse. You may feel very discouraged and wonder why you bothered trying but please know this is all part of the process.

Those "steps backwards" are actually gifts . . . they may be showing us where we have a little something else that can be learned or healed. And when we do that, we can come back stronger than ever. We deserve to enjoy all the beauty and the benefits that come with being an empath so hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other!  I promise - you will be glad you did!

If You See Something, Do Something

We are living in very challenging times.  If you watch the news, every sound byte gives us something else to feel awful about.  Even if you don't watch the news, the challenges we are facing in our society are everywhere we look.

If we keep looking at all the things we don't like in the world right now, chances are we're going to have a tough time getting out of bed each day and on top of that, since our thoughts manifest pretty quickly these days, we could end up attracting more things that make us unhappy.

So what's a person to do?  I'm finding that one of the best things we can do is:  Do something

One day I was walking on the beach looking for sea glass and met a nice gal who was picking up trash.  As we talked and walked together, I began joining her in picking up every little piece of trash we saw, no matter how small.  She inspired me that day to do my part. Rather than sit back and complain about people who don't clean up after themselves or wring my hands and worry about all that trash getting into the ocean and affecting sea life, she showed me that it could be as simple as just picking up the trash you see.

On subsequent beach walks, I have seen her again and she's introduced me to other "trash gatherers" who regularly walk the beach for that purpose.  All kind hearted souls who are making a difference, one piece of trash at a time.

So what about the homeless? Does it upset you when you see a homeless person shivering in the cold?  You could feel awful about it all night. You could spend some time being angry about all the reasons someone might end up homeless. Or you could give that person something to eat or give them some gloves to help them stay warm.  You don't need to get food and gloves for every single homeless person in the world - you can just help that one person. Maybe you don't have the money to buy them something, so what if you just smiled at them? or sent some love from your heart to theirs?

I know sometimes we can get overwhelmed with the breadth and depth of the issues we see. We often feel like the problems are too great and that there is no way we can make a difference ourselves but it doesn't mean we can't do something.  If everyone is doing something, no matter how small, collectively, it can add up to some really big positive results.

Finally, back to the topic of trash on the beach, I recently came across a company started by a couple young guys who wanted to start getting plastic out of the ocean and on the coastlines. They needed to raise some money to help their efforts so they began selling beaded bracelets. The bracelets come in different colors to support different marine life (I just got a dolphin bracelet). Each bracelet costs $20 and the profits go towards getting more plastic out of the ocean and disposing of it properly.  They say that each bracelet purchased will remove one pound of trash from the ocean and coastlines.

I thought their idea was brilliant . . . not only their goal to cleaning the earth's ocean, 1 pound at a time . . . but the fact that they are giving people an easy way to assist in their effort.  Not everyone has time to walk the beach and pick up trash, not everyone lives close enough to the ocean to do it either but for $20 you can support the guys who are doing this and even have a fun bracelet to wear.

If you'd like to learn more and help with their efforts, their website is:  www.4ocean.com

Adding on here . . . as I just stumbled across another incredible effort started by a few people who saw a problem and came up with a solution.  It's pop-up stores for the homeless.  If you are interested, here's a link to their site:  http://www.thestreetstore.org

Me Too

I woke up early this morning in the middle of the strangest dream.  I was either a detective or a CSI, working a serial killer case and we were trying to figure out if we'd be able to get a finger print off a plastic bag.  One of the detectives said they were looking at a potential accomplice but they were having trouble tracking him down. They wanted to know if I had been in touch with him because they knew he was someone I used to work with.  When they told me his name, he truly WAS someone I used to work with and he was the man who sexually harassed me at my first job out of college.  I told the detective I hadn't spoken to him since he left the company many decades ago and he said something about how karma had already come back around for him.  And then I woke up.

I laid there processing the dream for a while, wondering why he had shown up in my dream. Was the Universe letting me know that karma really had come back around for him?  Or was there some other message?

Unlike others in the MeToo Movement, I had been given the opportunity to speak up, my situation had been addressed and he was let go from the company.  I didn't have any more triggers around him or the situation. Since it had all been resolved, there wasn't a lingering feeling of injustice.

At the time there was, because his peers and the executives in our division ignored all the signs that he was harassing women . . . that is until they wanted to get rid of him for different reasons and then suddenly they all seemed to recall that maybe there had been harassment issues they should look into. They immediately called me into HR - not because they really cared about what they suspected I had been through - but because they knew it would help build a case against him.  And yet even though I was upset about that at the time, I had worked through all those emotions and had made my peace with how it had all unfolded.

So why was this coming up in my dreams?  Was there something else for me to see?

Thinking back to that time when I was an insecure 23 or 24 year old, I remembered how he laughed at me when I tried to stand up for myself.  I told him that if he didn't stop all the inappropriate behavior, I was going to report him to HR and he said "Go right ahead, who do you think they'll believe?  Someone like me with decades of professional experience? or some blonde bimbo fresh out of college?"

It definitely shut me down at the time, but in the years since then I had found my voice and my self esteem. Recalling his words no longer cause any emotional triggers in me so what else was I being shown?

As I continued to let my thoughts drift, I thought about the term "serial" in my dream and I remembered getting a look at his resume after he was let go.  I recall how stunned I was to see that in his 25 year career, he had already worked at about 13 companies.  My gut said that he was a serial harasser and I wondered why no one ever stopped him.  Further still, I remember how disappointed I was when I went to HR to speak to them about it and was told that HR laws prohibited them from telling a potential employer why he had left the company. That meant that the laws protected him and he could continue to go from one company to the next, harassing women again and again.

But why was this coming up now?

Then the next piece clicked into place.  Less than 24 hours earlier, I had received an email from the President of the college I went to all those years ago. It was a letter to all students and alumni apologizing for the fact that it had now come to light that the Jesuit retirement center on our campus had been housing priests that were on "supervised safety plans."  These priests that had been credibly accused of abuse towards men, women and children had been quietly moved from location to location, where they were credibly accused again . . . ultimately "retiring" on our campus. I felt nauseous while I was reading the email. There was my trigger.

The piece that still has a charge for me is the fact that church laws and corporate HR laws protect the abusers.  A person can go from company to company or from parish to parish and never have to reveal why they were asked to leave and therefore the abuse cycle continues.  No one is required to tell the truth but they are complicit in their silence. There is so much damage that is done through the "silence" that is supported by their internal "law."

Now I understood what the dream was about and I could see that I was being nudged to heal this last piece . . . the injustice I still feel over the protection the abusers get instead of protecting the abused.

I realize at first glance, this may not appear to have anything to do with animal communication or Reiki so you may wonder why I am writing about this in my blog.  I am sharing this because I have learned that the things that come up for us, in our dreams, in our seemingly unimportant interactions and in our random thoughts come up for a reason.  We are always being shown where our thoughts, beliefs and experiences are holding us back.  If we are willing to look at them, they can be a roadmap for us . . . to show us something that needs to be healed and released or to show us a next step in our journey.

The key is to slow down enough to notice these nudges.  I didn't slow down enough yesterday to notice my reaction when I read the email from my old college.  I just forwarded it on to my best friend from college with a note that said "Can you believe this?" but I didn't stop to think about the fact that I really had been triggered by it.  Fortunately I got another nudge during my dream state.  Sometimes I don't notice these nudges until I get the third piece of the puzzle or the fourth.  It honestly doesn't matter how long it takes us to notice these nudges and put the puzzle pieces together, as long as we eventually do.

Bath Time

If you read my blog, you know that Kino does not like getting baths.  He is better than he was when I first got him . . . that first year, he growled at me so ferociously during a bath that I was on edge the entire time, assuming that I could be bitten at any moment.  In the last few years, he has improved and now he only growls at the very end (when I am washing his head) and then gives me the silent treatment afterwards.  Bottom line, he just doesn't like getting baths.

A few weeks ago, I discovered something new about Kino's feeling about baths.  For his birthday this year, he got a pink stuffed dog.  I named her Rose and Kino loves Rose more than any of his other toys.  She is constantly in his mouth, he brings her to bed with him, naps with his head on her back and he flings her around wildly when I pull the vacuum cleaner out. No doubt, Rose has had a lot of "attention" since July.

One night, we were getting ready for bed and Kino brought Rose over to me, hoping we might play a game of tug of war with her.  As I was telling him I didn't think it was a good idea, I put my hand on her and was a bit grossed out.  Her fur, which used to be plush and silky soft was now starchy and stiff.  I took a closer look and noticed that she her fur was more of a brown color on most of her body instead of the bright pink she used to be so I said to Kino "I think we're going to need to give Rose a bath" and he promptly growled at me.  It took me by surprise. I said "What are you growling about??  She is really dirty.  We definitely need to give her a bath" and he growled at me again.  I assured him that a bath would not hurt her and then got on the computer to research "how to wash a stuffed toy" because I didn't want to be a liar.  :-)

The next day, I got out the Woolite and filled the sink in the guest bath with cold water.  Then I told Kino it was time for Rose to have a bath.  He started to growl as he ran to get her before I did. Fortunately, I got to her first.  I reminded him that the bath wasn't going to hurt her and that I was sure she'd enjoy being clean.

Following me into the bathroom, he stood right next to the sink and watched her get a bath.  He had his nose right up there on the edge of the sink the entire time. I kept saying things like "See, she's doing fine" and "Look how clean she is getting!  You can see her pink fur again."

As luck would have it, we were having wonderful weather so rather than risk putting her in the dryer, I was able to put her outside in the sun to dry.  I said "Rose is going to sunbathe now" and we went into the backyard.  I put her on a chair in the sun. He licked her once and then I got him to chase the tennis ball for a while.  When it was time to go back in the house, Kino went over to check on her and I reminded him that she would be fine, that she just needed to dry off.  That seemed to satisfy him and he went back inside but a couple hours later, he stood at the backdoor waiting for me to let him out in the yard.  When I opened the door, he ran straight over to Rose to make sure she was ok.  I said "See Kino, Rose is ok and it looks like she didn't mind getting a bath."  That time he didn't growl at me. He just looked up - as if he was trying to decide if he believed me or not.

For the next few days, I said "Look how good Rose looks!  She's so nice and clean after her bath" and there was no more growling. So it looks like, at least for now, Kino has accepted the fact that Rose might be getting baths from time to time. It will be interesting to see if Kino is any more cooperative the next time he gets a bath.