Challenges In Fostering

I mentioned in a recent post that Kino had been becoming reactive to people and that I thought I had figured part of it out - that he didn't like to receive compliments.  A trainer I spoke with suggested that I start asking strangers to give him treats, so that he could learn that people were good.  At his recommendation, Kino and I sat outside a grocery store, armed with a bag of yummy hot dogs and I asked strangers to hand him a piece of a hot dog.  He accepted them just fine, but sometimes if the person stood there longer than a a few seconds afterwards, he would begin barking at them, sometimes even lunging at them.  I decided we probably weren't ready for that just yet.

Maybe we needed to take a step back and work on this from a broader perspective.  My new strategy was to give him a treat every time we walked past someone and he didn't react.  That seemed to be working pretty well - that is unless the person spoke to me. Sometimes if I attempted to have a conversation, he would bark at the person.  We worked on it every day. Sometimes I could get him to stop barking by asking him to sit and then giving him a treat, so I could continue talking.  I took that as a sign of progress.

But then something new and a little scarier began to happen.  If he reacted to someone and I got him to stop barking at them, as soon as we walked away from the person, he would turn on me.  Growling, snarling, barking, biting up the leash, and occasionally managing to bite me.  Needless to say, this redirection on me was a behavior I didn't want to see continue.

I turned to spiritual methods to try and deal with it.  I gave him more Reiki treatments to help him release the frustration he was feeling.  I continued to work on releasing my own anger in case that was a component of what was going on. I talked to him about other ways he could let his frustration out.  I used all the metaphysical tools I could think of to try and set us up for success when we went out for a walk and still these incidents were occurring - with increased frequency.

During this time, he also started biting me at home - hard enough to break skin.  When I gave him a bath, I got bitten.  When I tried to put him in his crate by leading him with his collar, I got bitten.  I couldn't figure out what was going on or why he was suddenly taking his frustration out on me the way he was.

I've never had a dog react this way to me, so I have been at a loss as to what else to try.  I also began to see that there was a pattern developing.  He would bite me, I would start thinking maybe it was time for the rescue group to find someone else to foster him, then for days he would be back to his old sweet self and I would be encouraged and think things were getting better, that he should stay with me . . . and then he would bite me again.  Unfortunately, it's an all too familiar pattern for me when it comes to human relationships too.  I get hurt, I think of ending the relationship, then the person is super nice to me again and I decide to stay . . . and then I get hurt again.

It has never been easy for me to walk away from something, even if I get hurt, because there is a part of my being that believes so strongly that we have to keep finding the good in people and that the good will always out-weigh the bad.  But I am starting to wonder . . . is this why Kino came into my life?  Is he here to show me the pattern and help me break it?

One of my favorite sayings has always been, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."  Is it time for me to try something different?  Is it time for me to say, "It's not ok that you are hurting me so I need to end this relationship?"

I don't have the answer yet . . . at least not an answer I can hold onto for more than 24 hours.  I talked to the rescue group about finding another foster home for him, because I wonder if he would respond better to someone else.  And then when I think about him not being here with me anymore, I feel so sad and guilty about giving up on him that I am not sure I'll be able to do it.  I'm still trying to figure out how much hurt is "too much."  I'm praying for guidance and hoping that when the right answer comes to me, it will feel like the right answer for more than 24 hours.

A Visit with Lucky

A few weeks ago, I had the unfortunate experience of having someone do something that really, really hurt me.  It came as such a shock, I slipped into stunned disbelief, not really able to feel anything, with the exception of small occasional bursts of anger.  I did my best to "focus on the positive" - trying to be in trust that everything happens for a reason, and that this had happen FOR me, even if it didn't feel like it at the time.  But mostly, I was walking around in a state of numbness.

After a couple of days, one of my friends who sees and communicates with spirits asked me if I had checked in with Lucky lately.  I had to stop and think about it for a minute and then realized that no, I hadn't . . . I have been so busy with Kino that I hadn't even thought about trying to connect with her in months.  She told me that Lucky had asked her to pass along a message to me - that she would like me to connect with her.  I thought it was odd that Lucky didn't just deliver her message to my friend but that only gave me pause for a few seconds and then my friend and I were on to speculating what Lucky might want to talk to me about.  We decided that maybe she had some advice for me on how to help Kino.

The next morning, I made contact with Lucky.  I could sense her right away, as I could feel the corners of my mouth involuntarily going up into a smile and a swell of love in my heart.  I said, "I understand you have some advice for me on how to help Kino."  And there was silence.  I asked the question again and then waited . . . and still there was silence.  I said, "Is there something else you wanted to tell me?" and with that the flood gates of communication opened.  She told me how sorry she was that my friend had hurt me so much, that she wished it hadn't happened, that I didn't deserve to be hurt that way.  As she spoke, the tears began to flow.  I felt so comforted by her compassion.

As she continued to talk about how sorry she was, I realized that I had fallen into my old pattern of shutting off my emotions, rather than feeling them.  I got such a strong message as a little girl that you "shouldn't feel sorry for yourself" that I grew accustomed to denying my own feelings, especially when someone had hurt me.  I always tried to just suck it up and move on, which is a strategy that never served me.  And I had slipped into a less old pattern of trying to focus on the "greater good" of an unpleasant situation instead of just "being with it" and honoring how I felt in that moment.

After a good long cry, I asked Lucky if she had anything else she wanted to tell me.  She told me that for today, that was it.  She just wanted me to know that she knew what was going on in my life, that I didn't deserve to be hurt that way and she wanted to remind me to honor my feelings.  I was in awe of how clear our communication was and was so touched by the opportunity to connect with her that way.  Even though I tell people all the time that our loved ones on the other side know what's going on with us and that they are watching over us, it gave me a deeper knowing to actually experience it.

I felt such gratitude . . . to know how present Lucky still is in my life . . . to know how much she still cares about me . . . and to know she went out of her way to reach out to me and give me such heartfelt empathy from the other side.  My sweet girl still has my back - how cool is that?  And with her help, I was able to feel, honor and take steps to release all the sadness I was experiencing.

It was such a bright light, easing me out of the numb, dark cave I had been in.  I feel truly blessed to know that even though Lucky isn't still physically here, she truly is still with me, helping to ease each step on this journey of mine, ensuring that I don't fall back into patterns that don't serve me and letting me know that our bond is just as strong as it was when she was here.

Quit Telling Me How Gorgeous I Am!

In the last few months, I have written about many of the wonderful adventures I have had with Kino, my foster dog.  Everyone keeps asking me why I haven't adopted him yet and the truth is, it is because Kino has some issues that have concerned me . . . issues that could keep him from being adoptable not just by me but by anyone.

One of those issues is that he is randomly aggressive towards people.  It's been quite a challenge for me to try to understand what's going on because there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to his reactiveness.  We can pass person after person on our walks, talk to some of them and he'll be fine and then all of the sudden something will set him off and he'll start barking at someone, sometimes lunging in their direction.  It's a little scary when it happens and frustrating for me that I haven't been able to figure out what causes it.

None of the people were wearing hats, some were men, some were women, they were different ages, different ethnicities.  I couldn't find a single common denominator that would tell me "This is what he is reacting to" so for months I have been playing Nancy Drew, trying to unravel the mystery.

Here is a picture of Kino trying to grab his rope toy and while there was nothing scary about it at the time (we were just playing), the picture captured an image that represents how scary he can look when he has one of his "reactions".

This past week, I finally figured part of it out . . . I realized that in at least 75% of the cases Kino turns into "Mr. Cranky" it's because someone has given him a compliment . . . phrases such as "Oh my god, what a beautiful shepherd" or "Wow, he is really gorgeous" seem to be the words that precede one of these episodes.

Now, it's one thing to understand it and something else entirely to resolve it, so currently I'm not sure what to do about it, short of carrying a big sign that says, "Please don't compliment my dog" when we are out and about.  It's not really a feasible solution though since I only have two hands and between holding the leash, the treats and the poop bag, it would be difficult to hold the sign as well.  :-)

I am reminded of an old boyfriend of mine who used to spend hours every week in the gym and consequently had a beautiful physique . . . but he hid it under baggy jeans and oversized shirts.  When I asked him why, he said it was because it bothered him that girls were only nice to him because of how good he looked.  I was never sure it was the truth, but it was his truth, so I had to honor that.  I have been wondering if Kino is suffering from the same mindset, wanting to be liked for who he is, instead of how he looks.  It's hard to say, but it really does seem to piss Kino off when people tell him how gorgeous he is.

I often tell people that our animals mirror the things we need to work on ourselves but I have checked myself on this one and while I may not have been able to in the past, I am able to accept compliments now.  In fact, I actually welcome them :-) so I don't think he is mirroring me in this case.  Something though, is making him overly sensitive to hearing people talk about how attractive he is and I've got to figure out how to help him get over it.

Currently, I am giving him treats whenever we walk past someone and he doesn't react, hoping this will assist us in the process but I suspect there is more for us to do to get him beyond this behavior.

I'll be sure to post an update if we figure out how to resolve this one.

More "Firsts" with Kino

I mentioned in a previous post that Kino tends to get very over-excited the first time we do something.  In recent weeks, we have had two more "firsts" that results in the usual level of over exuberance and I couldn't stop smiling as I witnessed his reaction to these new experiences.

One new experience was when Kino and I had our first trip to the beach together.  I was so excited to take him to one of my most favorite places in the world and hoped he would like it as much as I do.  He started out a little tentative, just taking in all the new sights and smells, but as we walked along the ocean his exuberance to get away from the water began to escalate. Each time the tide came in, he bolted up the sand, nearly taking me down each time.  I finally got smart and put him on my left, so his over-exaggerated flee from the water didn't result in me going for an unexpected dip in the ocean.  I began to worry that maybe I had over-done it when I had my talk with him about how dangerous it is to drink sea water.  Since he seemed to be afraid of even letting the water touch his feet, chances are I laid it on too thick.  No matter how many times I tried explaining to him that the water wouldn't hurt his feet, it didn't seem to matter.  He was determined to keep his feet dry the whole time we were there.

Since Kino doesn't consistently come when called, I was nervous about letting him off leash.  Therefore, I decided to walk really far down the beach to a deserted area where no one else was around.  I felt it would be safer to let him off leash to chase the ball down there and I was so glad I did because he was in absolute heaven.  In fact, when I first took his leash off, he ran around wildly in the sand, running and skidding with glee in his eyes for at least five minutes before I even got around to throwing the ball for him.  I think he was so excited to be free that he couldn't contain himself.  We spent a good hour chasing the ball and I giggled as I saw his reaction each time he got a mouth full of sand.  He would try getting the sand off the ball by dropping it, where it would just end up with even more sand on it.  He was perplexed but it didn't stop him from wanting to continue to play.

Our next "new experience" came when I decided to tackle a home improvement project and re-paint a room in my house.  While I was doing all the taping and the edging, Kino was perfectly well behaved, so once I finished that part, I thought it would be no big deal to start rolling the paint on the walls.  Boy did I have that one wrong.

Just as I had finished the first coat on one of the walls, Kino jumped up and excitedly started rubbing himself all over the freshly painted wall.  I was laughing so hard, I could barely get a convincing "No!" out of my mouth.  Unfortunately for me, he was so pleased with himself he went back to the wall, tail wagging, to rub himself on it again.  He was covered in paint.

I ran to the bathroom to wet a wash cloth so I could get the paint off his flanks as quickly as possible.  I was relieved by how easily it came off, but I didn't notice all the paint he got on his ears until it had already dried.  Consequently, I've got a German shepherd with blue tipped ears and I think they will be that way for a while.  Who knows, he may set a new trend in highlights for dogs.

I look forward to taking him to the beach again and hope that in time, he will be less fearful of getting his feet wet.  I am not sure I am going to paint anymore rooms though.  I may have to wait until the paint wears off his ears before we tackle another home improvement project.

Train Not Pain

Last weekend, while I was at a pet store trying to find more squeak balls for Kino, I overheard another customer ask an employee for help.  I heard her say, "I have a German shepherd who barks all the time so I want to look at the bark collars."  I could feel myself flinch at the thought of anyone using a bark collar, knowing how painful it is for a dog and how unfair it is to try to stop them from doing what they are naturally programmed to do - to alert us to potential danger.

For the next five minutes or so, I stood there, staring at squeak balls while a debate ensued inside my head . . . Should I speak up? Should I mind my own business?  She didn't ask ME for my opinion but I feel like animals count on me to be their voice at times.  I went back and forth, back and forth and ultimately came to the conclusion that the worst thing that could happen was that I might make the customer and/or the store employee mad.  I decided it was a chance I was willing to take.

I walked over to the customer and the employee who was helping her and said, "I couldn't help overhearing that you're having a problem with your German shepherd barking a lot.  I don't mean to be intrusive but I was able to train my previous shepherd to only bark 2-3 times and then stop and I am working on training my foster dog the same way right now.  Would you be interested in hearing how I did it?"  Fortunately for me, she was very receptive and she said, "Yes, please, I'd like to know because I really don't want to resort to using a bark collar and I don't want her to feel like she can't ever bark but our neighbor keeps complaining so I have to do something."

I told her about my approach, which involved thanking Lucky each time she barked by saying, "Thank you for letting me know someone was outside" and giving her a treat when she stopped barking.  Eventually she learned that she only needed to bark 2-3 times, just to alert me to someone's presence outside.  (So far, it only works 50% of the time with Kino, but he's so smart, I know he'll get the hang of it, once he realizes that not all people who walk by our house are a potential threat to our safety and security.)  :-)

The gal at the pet store said she was anxious to get home and give my suggestion a try.  Since it was a holiday weekend, she was happy to know she had an extra day to work on it with her dog.

So, I left the pet store with several new squeak balls for Kino (which seem to bring him more joy than anything else in the world) and gratitude in my heart that I pushed myself to take the risk and speak up, and that it was received as well as it was.

It takes more than sage

In recent weeks, I have learned that it can often require a lot more than sage to cleanse a house and address some of the things that may be occurring in our homes.  It all started last month, when I was first working with Kino on the "sit" command. I was at the kitchen table working on my laptop and throwing the ball across the room for Kino (because it is a requirement that he get as much attention as my computer).  :-)

At one point, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed him stop at the base of the stairs and stare at something on the staircase. I stopped what I was doing to observe him and it was then that I saw him sit, in a perfect sit, and then cock his head to the left and to the right, the way he does when I am talking to him.  I figured it must be the little girl spirit that has been in my house as long as I have been here.  I forget she's here, since I don't see spirits, but from time to time, either a child or a dog who is visiting will remind me that she is here.

I mentioned the experience with Kino to a friend and she pointed out that even though I didn't mind having spirits in the house, that it's actually not fun for them to be stuck here.  I decided to have someone come over the next week to help the little girl cross over.

I thought the focus was going to be on helping the little girl, so I was quite shocked when the gal began picking up all sorts of other things when she got to my house.  She felt dark, murky energy and she sensed it originated under my house.  She asked me, "How do you concentrate?  This energy is so dense, I don't know you can focus."  The wheels in my mind started to churn, as I realized that I DID have a very difficult time concentrating.  I had also been having a really difficult time grounding myself and releasing energy that I absorbed from others.  The tools I had used for years no longer seemed to work and I couldn't figure out why I was having so much trouble doing things that had always been relatively simple.  I had been on a mission all year to find new tools to help me and had only been mildly successful.

As I sat with the information I was getting, more of the puzzle pieces started to click into place.  It had all started about a year ago when the city was doing a major sewer project outside of my house.  I thought at the time it was just the incessant jack hammering that was making it so difficult for me to focus, or ground myself or release energy but the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that it had never gotten any better after the project was complete.

She was able to determine the origin of the disturbance under my house (a very ugly battle that took place on the land many many years ago) and it made sense that things got stirred up when they were doing all that digging outside of my house.  She was able to release all the old, murky energy and restore balance to the land under my house.

With her help, the little girl, who passed away when her father was working on the construction of my house, was finally able to cross over.  It seems she had been trying to find him all these years and I was glad she was finally able to leave this plane and I pray she has at long last reunited with her father.

I had always thought a house cleansing was just about saging.  I have done it many times, not just at my own house, but at friend's houses as well and I assumed that was all that was needed to cleanse a space.  I never thought about spirits who may be stuck on this astral plane or wounds in the land underneath the structures we live in.

It was an eye opening and very positive experience for me.  It has been a relief the last few weeks to be able to stay grounded, to release the energy I pick up from others, to concentrate (well, as long as I don't have a 90 lb. puppy vying for my attention) and I'm even sleeping more peacefully at night.  I wish I had thought to do it sooner, but I also trust that we find our right next step exactly when we are supposed to . . . so I will assume this all unfolded the way it was meant to.

The Fostering Adventure Continues

It's never a dull moment around here with my foster dog Kino.  One of our challenges has been that he gets over-excited the first time we do something he’s never experienced before, so each "first" can be a bit overwhelming. 

The first time he saw me dust the house he went wild. “Is that a toy? Can I have that? Should I bite that? How can I help?  Are you sure I can't bite that rag?”

The first time I sunbathed on my stomach in front of him, he was thinking “Wow, the small of her back is the perfect place to put my tennis ball” and he proceeded to munch on his tennis ball in the small of my back, again and again until I finally gave up trying to get my back tan.

The first time I stood in the tub and shaved my legs in front of him, he thought we were playing a new game--one where you try to lick the water and soap off my legs in a wild frenzy before I can touch my leg with the razor. 

The first time I took him to a pet store, he yanked me all over the store to the point where one of the employees handed me a brochure for their beginner training course.  I was humiliated that we looked like we hadn't done an ounce of training prior to that afternoon.  She looked at me like I was fibbing when I told her that I was an animal communicator.  

The first time I asked him to “Wait” while I put his food down, he was befuddled.  “What are you doing?  Are you crazy?  That’s my food!  Why would I wait for it? I want it NOW! If this is some new game, I don't like it.” 

Fortunately each time we do these things, his reaction is less over the top, he's calmer and not frantically trying to make the most of the new experience - well, with all of them except the sunbathing.  I haven't had the guts to try laying on my stomach again since that first time because feeling those gigantic teeth in the small of my back is not what I would call relaxing, but with everything else, each time he is more at ease than the time before.  

One of our other challenges is that he has still been over protective of me and the house, so greeting people at the door was something I was beginning to dread.  I knew we needed to get better at this, so I had several friends come over last week so we could work on having him sit and wait while I opened the door and they entered the house.  The first couple times, it was a disaster, (Sit? Stay? What? Do you want me to bite them?) but eventually, he started to show signs of progress and I was feeling less stressed about having people come to the house.  There was still the issue of him competing with my friends for attention, but one thing at a time, right? 

Yesterday, a man came to the house and once again, we appeared to not have done an ounce of training as he barked and lunged at the guy.  It hadn't occurred to me that it had only been my girlfriends coming to the house and that he might react differently with a man.  

So today, I got one of my guy friends to come over and we worked on our door greetings.  Kino sounded pretty ferocious the first time I opened the door and he did attempt to lunge, but my friend Joe wasn't deterred.  He kept leaving and coming back and with each knock on the door, Kino got better and better.  When we wrapped up our official training session, Kino decided that Joe was alright and insisted on laying on the floor with him, frequently resting his head on Joe's leg.  

I know training is a process. It's all about consistent practice and positive reinforcement so that's what I am committed to doing.  Hopefully in time, we will have covered all the "firsts" we could possibly cover and we'll look less "untrained" to the casual observer.  In spite of our focus on training, I'm also making sure that Kino gets a chance every day to be a puppy.  After all, he's only a year old and he deserves to have goof-off time every day.  It's a nice reminder for me that sometimes it's good for the soul to just goof-off and act like you don't have a care in the world.