Still A Foster Mom

When I agreed to foster Kino, I didn't imagine that six months later, he would still be with me.  If you've been reading my blog in the last six months, you know that it has been quite an adventure for us - with highs and lows and a whole lot of learning for both of us.

I know he came into my life for a reason - to help me learn and grow - and for me to help him do the same.  I thought we had reached the end of our journey a few days ago when a couple was interested in adopting him.  (and yes, my heart briefly sunk into my stomach as I faced the possibility that our time was up).  They came and met him - he showed them how sweet and playful he can be and it looked promising - but yesterday they let me know they had decided Kino wasn't the right dog for them.  I can only conclude that his purpose in my life must not be complete yet.

We continue going to Reactive Dog class each Sunday.  Here is a picture that Marthina took in class a month or so ago.  If you saw how Kino reacted to seeing other dogs when he is on leash, you'd realize what a major accomplishment this is for him to be sitting so calmly in the presence of so many dogs. (Ok, the hotdogs in my pocket DO help a lot).  He continues to make progress, week after week - with occasional set backs here and there - but I am committed to working on this with him.  It is one of the keys to him being more adoptable.

Yesterday, we were finally able to connect with Lacy and her foster mom for a little play time for Lacy and Kino.  I'm hoping that Lacy will be able to continue to mentor Kino and teach him the things he needs to be learn so other dogs will feel more comfortable around him.  I think it is the other key to him being more adoptable.  I took a picture of them - not the greatest picture but it was so nice to see them together again.  We've missed our play dates with Lacy.

As 2013 comes to a close, I have been thinking about what I am grateful for . . . I am grateful that Kino came into my life.  I am sure it has far greater meaning and purpose than I have even seen yet but for now, I know he has helped me see myself more clearly, understand more about who I am, what I needed to learn and what I have to offer.  I am grateful to Lacy's foster mom for stepping forward and saving Lacy's life and I am grateful to Lacy for helping me open my heart to pit bulls and let go of whatever residual sadness I felt over what had happened to Lucky all those years ago.

For some reasons, I am glad to see 2013 come to an end and I look forward to seeing what 2014 brings.    I hope it is a year filled with much peace and prosperity, joy and love, not just for me, but for everyone.

Happy New Year!

Update on Lacy

***Latest news:  After a roller coaster ride of potential adoptions falling through this weekend and many people begging the shelter to give us more time, this story has a happy ending!!  Miss Lacy was placed in foster care today!!!  Thank you to every one of you - who got the word out about Lacy, who sent her energy, who held positive intentions on her behalf, etc.  It all created some wonderful energy that manifested in a loving foster home for Kino's only friend.****


First of all, I just have to say how stunned I was at the outpouring of support for Lacy.  I never expected to get the kind of response I got and it touched me deeply.  From people forwarding the information on line and talking up Lacy at dog parks to people offering to send energy to her, to help her stay calm.  My inbox and my phone were filled with loving support, from people I knew and from people I never met, all wanting to do what they could to help Lacy.  I feel tremendous gratitude to each and every person who reached out to me this week - bless you all!

Now onto Lacy:  The potential adopter we thought we had for Lacy unfortunately fell through today.  :-(  But there are two more people who are interested in meeting her and potentially adopting her, so San Jose Animal Advocates has asked the shelter to extend Lacy's time by another day or two.  We're waiting on confirmation that they WILL extend her time, but everyone is feeling pretty confident that she has another couple days.  (Big exhale)  :-)

As soon as I have more information, I will post an update.  Again, thank you all for the amazing support for Kino's mentor.  He appreciates it as much as I do, in part because Lacy is about the only dog we've met so far that will put up with his "social skills" and he doesn't want to lose the only dog friend he has right now.

Lacy Needs Help by Friday, Dec. 13, 2013

***Update***

Good news: Lacy's time was extended until Saturday, because at least one person is going to meet her. There have been several people who have expressed an interest in possibly fostering her and at least one other person who might want to adopt her, so there are quite a few "irons in the fire" as they say.  If they can show the shelter they have other folks interested in her, there's a good chance her time can be extended a few more days.

I'll post another update tomorrow (Saturday) as soon as I get word on her status.  In the meantime, keep Lacy in your thoughts and prayers.

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Last week I wrote about Kino's new coach/mentor, a wonderful Pitbull named Lacy. She's been assisting him in improving his doggie-skills and has had an incredibly positive effect on Kino.  As I mentioned in that post, I have been feeling so much gratitude towards her . . . so it came as quite a blow when I got an email last night saying that Lacy is scheduled to be put to sleep this Friday, December 13th.

Lacy's "home" right now is the shelter, where she has been waiting to be adopted, but it has been several months and she is starting to show signs of kennel stress, and with the constant influx of new dogs coming into the shelter, they have decided her time is up on Friday . . . unless they can find someone who can foster or adopt her in time.

One of the wonderful people at the shelter is advocating for Lacy and he put together a video of her, to show just what a precious girl she is. (Kino is fortunate to have a large cameo appearance in the video).

Please watch the video so you can see how sweet she is and then forward the video on to anyone you know who may have it in their heart to help save Lacy's life.

Lacy's Video

The Fourth Time was the Charm

As I wrote about in my last post, the process of trying to figure out how to help Kino lately has been painful at best.  Three evaluations, three different opinions - none of which felt good to me.  I was starting to lose hope but fortunately, Melissa (from the rescue group) wasn't ready to give up.  She set us up with yet another evaluation (our fourth) and it was by far the best experience we've had.

Marthina, who runs Our Pack (www.ourpack.org) was able to read him quickly and she knew that his frustration stemmed from his intense desire to play with other dogs and the fact that he couldn't.  Mr. Puppy, as I call him, has some issues that have prevented him from interacting with other dogs;  a) he is reactive on leash and b) he never developed doggie social skills so he's got some pretty bad manners when it comes to other dogs.

With Marthina's guidance, we are now attending her Reactive Dog training course.  Kino is learning how to be in close proximity to other dogs without going berserk (His favorite thing about class are the hundreds of treats he gets for being good).  The wonderful thing about this class for me is that every dog there has the same issue, so no one looks at you like you are the problem when your dog has an outburst.

Marthina also found a dog for Kino to play with, which was no small feat.  The right playmate for Kino has to be a dog that is extremely balanced, strong enough to put him in his place and correct his bad manners and yet also easy going enough that his social awkwardness won't cause a big tiff.  Lacy, who is a pit bull, is that perfect playmate for Kino.

His greetings are so bad, I can't help but cringe just a bit each time he enters the yard, but Lacy lets him know how inappropriate some of his behaviors are and then she encourages him to play.  Eventually, they do a little bit of playing and then Kino usually needs to be corrected some more but he doesn't seem to mind.  Since Lacy keeps going back over to him to encourage him to play, his social ineptitude doesn't seem to be a problem for her.  Marthina says dogs can be the best teachers for other dogs, so right now, Lacy is Kino's mentor and coach.

We've had three play-dates a week with Lacy for the last two weeks and have attended two reactive dog classes so far, and the change in Kino has been amazing.  His frustration level is WAY down from where it was.  He is a calmer, happier dog in so many ways.  The escalations of late are becoming a distant memory, as he is no longer growling at me or redirecting on me when we are out for a walk.  All of his sweet, lovable traits are coming out more often.

I am so grateful that we finally found someone who could "see" Kino and understand what he needed. He still has a ways to go to learn appropriate dog behavior, but with Lacy's guidance, he is sure to continue making progress.  And each time I express my gratitude to Lacy for how she is helping Kino, I am reminded that it was very likely divinely orchestrated that the dog who is helping Kino is a pit bull.

Everyone Has An Opinion

As I mentioned previously, my foster dog Kino has been exhibiting some behaviors that are a major concern to us.  The rescue group and I decided to get Kino evaluated to find out if the issues he is having can be addressed and to also find out if he would respond differently to someone other than me. While the rescue group is looking for another foster home for him, we know that given the issues he is having, he can't be fostered by just anyone, so we were hoping to get some guidance on what kind of person would be the right person to help Kino moving forward.

The first evaluator concluded that with the behaviors Kino is displaying, he is essentially a ticking time bomb and that it would be best to put him down.  The guilt I felt was overwhelming, as I thought about the idea of him being put down if I let him go.  I couldn't make my peace with the idea that if I gave up on him, that would be the end of his life.  We decided to get him evaluated again.

The next evaluator concluded that these behaviors could be corrected but his methods included muzzles and shock collars.  He also said that "just to be on the safe side" Kino would probably need to wear a muzzle when he was around people for the rest of his life.  I walked out of there sick to my stomach, knowing that I could not personally be involved in that type of training and tearing up at the thought of Kino having to be on the receiving end of that kind of approach.  I felt such resistance to the idea of using such harsh methods to help Kino improve.  We decided to have him evaluated again.

Kino didn't like the next evaluator at all.  The moment he walked into the room, Kino snarled and growled and barked and bared his teeth at the guy.  I was glad the guy was getting to see one of the behaviors that is such a concern to me but it didn't seem to matter.  The guy told me the problem was ME, that ANYONE could train Kino and that clearly, I hadn't been doing the right things or taking the right approach and that's why Kino was exhibiting the behaviors he was.  He paraded one of his own dogs around to show us how a dog behaves when you have "total control" over them and told us repeatedly that he was a "master trainer" who knew everything.  It made me cringe and I wondered if Kino's initial evaluation of the guy was the correct evaluation.

Needless to say, over the course of several weeks, as we got all these varied opinions, my mind was on over-drive.  Were any of these people right?  If so, which one?  Was the problem really me?  Is it wrong that I am so uncomfortable with muzzles and shock collars?  Is my resistance a good thing? or a sign that I am too closed off to see viable options?  Night after night, I tossed and turned, wondering what to do, and wondering what I was supposed to be learning from all of this.  I finally decided to ask the other side for guidance.

In meditation, I asked for insight and what I got was this . . . all of these people who had evaluated Kino see animals only as one dimensional.  The fact that I felt so uncomfortable with all of their assessments was because I know that animals are multi-dimensional and that if we don't honor ALL parts of them, we aren't really serving them.  I could sense very strongly that what Kino needs right now is someone who will see him for all that he is and not just see him as a one dimension dog who needs to be "commanded" into shape.

For now, I know that person is me.  The rescue group is still looking for another foster home for him but I am trusting that he will stay with me as long as he is meant to - for me to learn what I am supposed to learn from him and for him to receive what he is supposed to receive from me.

Interestingly enough, once I got that insight, Kino started to behave better.  Coincidence?  I'm not sure but he hasn't bitten me once, or redirected on me when we are out for a walk, so things are definitely more peaceful around here.  He is actually listening when I ask him to do something and even though our door greetings have still regressed to the "awful" category, he doesn't seem to be filled with as much angst and frustration as he has been.

I am certain there is more to this story and that it will continue to unfold, so stay tuned for more updates.

Challenges In Fostering

I mentioned in a recent post that Kino had been becoming reactive to people and that I thought I had figured part of it out - that he didn't like to receive compliments.  A trainer I spoke with suggested that I start asking strangers to give him treats, so that he could learn that people were good.  At his recommendation, Kino and I sat outside a grocery store, armed with a bag of yummy hot dogs and I asked strangers to hand him a piece of a hot dog.  He accepted them just fine, but sometimes if the person stood there longer than a a few seconds afterwards, he would begin barking at them, sometimes even lunging at them.  I decided we probably weren't ready for that just yet.

Maybe we needed to take a step back and work on this from a broader perspective.  My new strategy was to give him a treat every time we walked past someone and he didn't react.  That seemed to be working pretty well - that is unless the person spoke to me. Sometimes if I attempted to have a conversation, he would bark at the person.  We worked on it every day. Sometimes I could get him to stop barking by asking him to sit and then giving him a treat, so I could continue talking.  I took that as a sign of progress.

But then something new and a little scarier began to happen.  If he reacted to someone and I got him to stop barking at them, as soon as we walked away from the person, he would turn on me.  Growling, snarling, barking, biting up the leash, and occasionally managing to bite me.  Needless to say, this redirection on me was a behavior I didn't want to see continue.

I turned to spiritual methods to try and deal with it.  I gave him more Reiki treatments to help him release the frustration he was feeling.  I continued to work on releasing my own anger in case that was a component of what was going on. I talked to him about other ways he could let his frustration out.  I used all the metaphysical tools I could think of to try and set us up for success when we went out for a walk and still these incidents were occurring - with increased frequency.

During this time, he also started biting me at home - hard enough to break skin.  When I gave him a bath, I got bitten.  When I tried to put him in his crate by leading him with his collar, I got bitten.  I couldn't figure out what was going on or why he was suddenly taking his frustration out on me the way he was.

I've never had a dog react this way to me, so I have been at a loss as to what else to try.  I also began to see that there was a pattern developing.  He would bite me, I would start thinking maybe it was time for the rescue group to find someone else to foster him, then for days he would be back to his old sweet self and I would be encouraged and think things were getting better, that he should stay with me . . . and then he would bite me again.  Unfortunately, it's an all too familiar pattern for me when it comes to human relationships too.  I get hurt, I think of ending the relationship, then the person is super nice to me again and I decide to stay . . . and then I get hurt again.

It has never been easy for me to walk away from something, even if I get hurt, because there is a part of my being that believes so strongly that we have to keep finding the good in people and that the good will always out-weigh the bad.  But I am starting to wonder . . . is this why Kino came into my life?  Is he here to show me the pattern and help me break it?

One of my favorite sayings has always been, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."  Is it time for me to try something different?  Is it time for me to say, "It's not ok that you are hurting me so I need to end this relationship?"

I don't have the answer yet . . . at least not an answer I can hold onto for more than 24 hours.  I talked to the rescue group about finding another foster home for him, because I wonder if he would respond better to someone else.  And then when I think about him not being here with me anymore, I feel so sad and guilty about giving up on him that I am not sure I'll be able to do it.  I'm still trying to figure out how much hurt is "too much."  I'm praying for guidance and hoping that when the right answer comes to me, it will feel like the right answer for more than 24 hours.

A Visit with Lucky

A few weeks ago, I had the unfortunate experience of having someone do something that really, really hurt me.  It came as such a shock, I slipped into stunned disbelief, not really able to feel anything, with the exception of small occasional bursts of anger.  I did my best to "focus on the positive" - trying to be in trust that everything happens for a reason, and that this had happen FOR me, even if it didn't feel like it at the time.  But mostly, I was walking around in a state of numbness.

After a couple of days, one of my friends who sees and communicates with spirits asked me if I had checked in with Lucky lately.  I had to stop and think about it for a minute and then realized that no, I hadn't . . . I have been so busy with Kino that I hadn't even thought about trying to connect with her in months.  She told me that Lucky had asked her to pass along a message to me - that she would like me to connect with her.  I thought it was odd that Lucky didn't just deliver her message to my friend but that only gave me pause for a few seconds and then my friend and I were on to speculating what Lucky might want to talk to me about.  We decided that maybe she had some advice for me on how to help Kino.

The next morning, I made contact with Lucky.  I could sense her right away, as I could feel the corners of my mouth involuntarily going up into a smile and a swell of love in my heart.  I said, "I understand you have some advice for me on how to help Kino."  And there was silence.  I asked the question again and then waited . . . and still there was silence.  I said, "Is there something else you wanted to tell me?" and with that the flood gates of communication opened.  She told me how sorry she was that my friend had hurt me so much, that she wished it hadn't happened, that I didn't deserve to be hurt that way.  As she spoke, the tears began to flow.  I felt so comforted by her compassion.

As she continued to talk about how sorry she was, I realized that I had fallen into my old pattern of shutting off my emotions, rather than feeling them.  I got such a strong message as a little girl that you "shouldn't feel sorry for yourself" that I grew accustomed to denying my own feelings, especially when someone had hurt me.  I always tried to just suck it up and move on, which is a strategy that never served me.  And I had slipped into a less old pattern of trying to focus on the "greater good" of an unpleasant situation instead of just "being with it" and honoring how I felt in that moment.

After a good long cry, I asked Lucky if she had anything else she wanted to tell me.  She told me that for today, that was it.  She just wanted me to know that she knew what was going on in my life, that I didn't deserve to be hurt that way and she wanted to remind me to honor my feelings.  I was in awe of how clear our communication was and was so touched by the opportunity to connect with her that way.  Even though I tell people all the time that our loved ones on the other side know what's going on with us and that they are watching over us, it gave me a deeper knowing to actually experience it.

I felt such gratitude . . . to know how present Lucky still is in my life . . . to know how much she still cares about me . . . and to know she went out of her way to reach out to me and give me such heartfelt empathy from the other side.  My sweet girl still has my back - how cool is that?  And with her help, I was able to feel, honor and take steps to release all the sadness I was experiencing.

It was such a bright light, easing me out of the numb, dark cave I had been in.  I feel truly blessed to know that even though Lucky isn't still physically here, she truly is still with me, helping to ease each step on this journey of mine, ensuring that I don't fall back into patterns that don't serve me and letting me know that our bond is just as strong as it was when she was here.