Waking Up

I had to use an alarm to get up earlier this week, which brought up another round of grief for me. Since Kino and I had a special "arrangement" for the days I needed to use an alarm and this was the first time I had to do that without his assistance, I had to process another aspect of his absence.

Because of my sensitivity to energy, I don't have electronics in my bedroom and because of my sensitive nervous system, I try to avoid being woken up by any kind of jarring noise. Given all of that Kino and I partnered on how to wake me up when it was necessary for me to get up early.

For all these years, this is how it worked: I set the alarm on my phone (with a song instead of a beep) and then I'd leave the phone in the kitchen (which was the opposite end of the house from the bedroom). 

When the alarm went off, Kino heard it, not me. LOL What I WOULD hear was the pitter patter of his feet as he excitedly ran up and down the hall, followed by him licking my face. It was the sweetest way to wake up . . . so I wasn't looking forward to having to do it without him this morning.

When I set the alarm the night before (with a little bit of dread), I decided to plug the phone in closer to my bedroom so I was more likely to hear it. Fortunately, I WAS able to hear the music at my "wake up time" and much to my delight the song that played was Crystal Blue Persuasion. So instead of focusing on Kino's absence and having another wave of grief come through, I got to hear these lyrics instead (I think he had a hand/paw in this):

Look over yonder

What do you see?

The sun is a-rising

Most definitely

A new day is coming (ooh, ooh)

People are changing

Ain't it beautiful? (Ooh, ooh)

Crystal blue persuasion

Better get ready to see the light

Love, love is the answer (ooh, ooh)

And that's all right

So don't you give up now (ooh, ooh)

So easy to find

Just look to your soul (your soul)

And open your mind

Crystal blue persuasion, hmm, hmm

It's a new vibration

Crystal blue persuasion

Crystal

Blue persuasion

Middle Names

As those of you who have read my book know, Lucky got a middle name at the insistence of the precious kids we played with at the park all the time. (They even came up with a list of "suitable" possibilities for me to choose from.)  It was the first time I had ever given a pet a middle name but I rather liked finally being able to answer the question "What is Lucky's middle name?" - which I think every child we ever met asked me. haha

The funny thing is that it didn't dawn on me for years (after she officially became "Lucky Rose") that my great-grandmother on my mother's side was named Rose and my dad's sister in law was also named Rose. And my mom was known around the neighborhood as "The Rose Lady" because of her extensive rose garden . . . none of which the kids at the park knew. (Filed in the "Things that make you go Hmmm" folder)  

So, when I gave up my title as "foster mom" with Kino and officially became his adoptive mom, I knew right away that I would need to find just the right middle name for him.  

I didn't pick the name Kino - it was the name that was written on the paperwork when he was surrendered to the shelter. Since he already seemed to know his name I never considered changing it. I didn't know the origins of his name at the time but it reminded me of a couple boys I knew when I was younger named Kimo and they were both Hawaiian so I thought maybe we could find a Hawaiian middle name for him. 

I remember so vividly having Kino at my feet that day as I sat at the dining table with my laptop. After explaining that I wanted him to help me select his middle name, I pulled up a website of Hawaiian names and began reading them out loud. I read each possibility following his name so he could hear how they sounded together, in case that helped him make a choice.

After what felt like hours (but was probably more like 10 minutes - LOL), Kino still hadn't shown an indication that he liked any of the options. I wondered if maybe he didn't understand what we were doing so I explained once again that I wanted him to help me choose his middle name. About 5 minutes later, I said "Kino Kealohalani" and his head popped up, followed by extremely strong eye contact with me. I said, "Is that the one you like?" 

Wanting to be sure, I continued to read some other options from the list of Hawaiian names. Eventually I circled back to "Kino Kealohalani" and once again, boom!  He looked right at me and held his stare. I took that as confirmation that he had indeed just made his selection.

After looking into the name further, I learned that the name means "The brightness of heaven" or "The love from heaven." It is hard to describe the feeling I had when I saw the meaning of the name . . . it was like a confirmation that he was brought into my life for a reason and that I had made the right choice to become a "foster failure" and keep him. (Even though my choice to adopt him was less about falling in love with him and more about worrying he would be put down if he didn't have a super conscientious adopter because Kino had some aggression issues that if not properly managed could get him in a lot of trouble). 

Nonetheless, I DID end up falling in love with him and even though it was extra work over the years to make sure he was never in a situation where he could bite someone, I never regretted the choice I made. A big part of that was the meaning of his middle name, which many times over the years gave me goosebumps just thinking about it. He showed me countless times and in countless ways that he was my "Brightness and Love from heaven." 

The funny thing is, I didn't find out until later that it is typically a name for a girl but who was I to question Kino's choice.  :-)  I am sure he had a good reason for it. Years after that, while chatting with someone from Germany, I learned that Kino is actually the short form of "cinematography" (in German). It gave me quite a chuckle that his name was German not Hawaiian, yet it also feels divinely orchestrated that I didn't know any of that the day we chose his middle name. 

While Kino and I had a very different relationship than Lucky and I did, our connection and bond were just as strong. The significance of the things he came to teach me were just as important. The love we shared was just as powerful. I told him every night when we were getting ready for bed that he was my best friend in the whole world and I meant it with all of my heart every time I said it.

One of the many things he taught me was to love him (and myself) for who we WERE - not who we wished we could be or hoped we would be - to just fully embrace the idea that we deserved to be loved for exactly who we were. 

He also taught me about the importance of having JOY in my life. He made it his mission to bring me joy every day (his goofy antics could fill a book!) and I found myself constantly looking for ways to bring HIM joy as well. Even though our years together came with a long list of challenges, he never stopped finding ways to make me laugh. He was most definitely my little "Joy-Bringer."

My dear Kino Kealohalani, my brightness and love from heaven - I hope you know how much I love you and miss you!